When did you know you should have been a girl?

[Jay Cee]

The most common answer I have seen is that most MTF transexuals knew for as long as they can remember. Did any of you know later in life? If so, when?

I'm a little confused at times - I honestly feel that I could live the rest of my life as a woman, and not really miss being a guy. Maybe it's just because I am new to crossdressing, and am in the honeymoon phase. My gf asks if I intend to become a female, and I really don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe halfway.

Any light you can shine on this would be greatly appreciated

Thanks

Jessie

[Hope]

"Honeymoon phase" Giggles... Sweetie, it doesn't go away; in fact, it only gets stronger. You may have times where the feelings ebb and flow, and in some ways they change, but they don't go away, they only become more intense over time. And it doesn't seem to matter if you actively try to resist, or if you accept it - it seems to accelerate at the same rate... though if you accept yourself you will be a happier person.

I guess I am a stereotypical girl, I remember thinking about getting a "sex change" when I was about 4... praying to God every night that I would wake up in the morning having been changed into a girl... But I also didn't start to get serious about this until a few years ago, because as much as I knew it was wrong I had always shoved it out of my mind, thinking that this simply was not an option for me. Now I regret lost time.

No one says you have to become a woman... in fact you should do as little as you can in order to be comfortable... but you should by all means do what you need to do in order to be comfortable. This is a very personal task we are involved in, and you should expect to walk your own path, and stop at your own destination.

[LisaM]

Like Hope, my earliest memories were of wanting to be a girl. I still remember crawling under a table and crying because I wasn't a girl.

[StaceyJane]

I wanted to be a girl from the moment I realized that I wasn't a girl.

[Steph.TS]

when I was around 4 years old, I remember a question popping in my head, "what is it like to be a girl?" I never received an answer to that question, and it stayed in the back of my head, around 12 - 13, I started crossdressing, and I knew then I wanted to be a girl, I had written a note saying something along those lines and my family found out, not only about my wish to transition but also my crossdressing, they were strongly opposed to both. here I am in my late 20's wishing I was a woman, and seriously giving thought to how I can transition, budgeting, the "is this really right for me?" question, how do I deal with opposition from family/friends, can I find a job mid transition if I should lose my current one?

I'm slowly working through this, while also trying to find a good therapist who can help me with these questions. why did I have to be in Alberta, they stopped funding for SRS.

[hopingsecret]

When I was 5. I used to dream a mad scientist would take me away and make me a girl. Then I thought if I put on a Wonder Woman costume it would make me a girl. Hey, I was 5, and stupid.

[Jorja]

I was 4 - 5 years old. I prefered to play and be with the girls instead of the boys. I remember telling the girls that if it were ever possible, I would be a girl someday. Now I am and have been for a long time.

[Jaclyn NM]

When I first put on my mom's stockings and high heels, and felt totally at home with myself.

[ArleneRaquel]

From a very early age, pre 10, I had dreams of being a woman. These dreams wnt on for years and they were always the same, I was a care give, cook, babysitter for a gentlemen who was widowed and I took care of his 8 - 10 year old son, as the dreamed progressed the gentlemen fell in love with men ( as an adult woman ) and there the dreames ended, with me contemplating should I reveal my true identity ? :2c:

[JenniferLynn0370]

Hi Jessie. Like Hope said; this feeling will never go away. It may ebb and flow; you will experience times in which you don't really feel the urge or desire to be a woman and then there will be times where you want to be a woman so badly it hurts. At least that's been my experience and I have felt this way from my earliest memories until now and I am 40 years old. I wish more than anything I could spin back the hands of time and change some decisions I've made about career and family. I understand now that I made many of them in an effort (consciously or subconsciously) to portray the man I was/am expected to be. I wish I had mustered the courage when I was younger to tell my parents how I really felt, but the thought of doing that scared me to death. I just knew I'd at least be disowned and that my old-fashioned father might even kill me so I just kept it to myself and became who I am today. I'm trying desperately to make up for lost time!

So, to answer your question, I have basically always known that I AM a girl on the inside, I just have never been brave enought to let my true identity show as well as I should...but I'm working on it!

Good luck Jessie!

Hugs,
Jen

[Ana5551]

When I was 5 I started praying every night that I would wake up as a girl.

[pamela_a]

Maybe I'm the exception to the rule. From before my very early teens I new something was wrong with me but I can't say I had any idea or consciously acknowledged what it may have been. I knew wearing "female" clothing felt normal, natural for me and that's it. After just over 40 years I got to the point where nothing in my wardrobe was male and I considered myself a full time CD.

For 4-5 years I presented mostly female but never even considered that I might be TS, much less entertained the idea of transitioning. It wasn't until I finally broke down and saw a gender therapist in Apr 09 for the first time and that opened the flood gates. With my first appt. in April I finally saw and began to accept who I was. I started HRT in July, transitioned at work and stared living full time in August and by Feb 10 my name and gender was legally changed.


My gf asks if I intend to become a female, and I really don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe halfway.
Only you know the answer to that. No therapist can answer that question for you but they should be able to ask the questions you need to answer; the rest is up to you.

I've posted this many times and I believe it. Don't transition unless you need to but if you do don't let anything stop you. Find the place where you are comfortable and happy with yourself and stay there. The TG spectrum is pretty broad and there are a lot of places to be.

Be true to who you are and find the peace and harmony in your life.

[Kelly Greene]

when I was in my early teens I mentioned to my mom that I thought that I thought it would be better for me to be a girl. at that time my parents asked me if I needed counseling which in my eyes at that time meant ( are you crazy and do you need to be locked up). I was scared as hell of the idea of being locked up but I was about 12 or 13 years old and I just did not understand that all my parents wanted to do was to help so I just dropped the concept. I wish I knew then what I know now.

[Starling]

As long as I can remember knowing there were two types of children, I knew I wasn't a boy. I don't know if I actually told my parents; if I did, I'm sure they zapped me with a powerful parent-ray that blocked it out. They were loving parents, in their way, but they were naive and afraid of anything out of the ordinary, and I was their first attempt.

:heehee: Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I've posted this many times and I believe it. Don't transition unless you need to but if you do don't let anything stop you. Find the place where you are comfortable and happy with yourself and stay there. The TG spectrum is pretty broad and there are a lot of places to be.

Be true to who you are and find the piece and harmony in your life.

This is so true Pam
This is the best thing i've read in a long time..


what did you know and when did you know it??!! sounds like a lawyers question to a politician!!!

i remember all the way back being fascinated with people that changed their sex...or at least thats how ithought of it..i developed all kinds of defense mechanisms to keep me functioning and
ilived my life knowing that being a woman wasnt possible...i still struggle with my inner dialogue in this regard and feel like i'm a fake...

to me we all face a very similar issue as little kids and its just sooooo sad that there is nobody there to tell us what it means..

[Jay Cee]

This is so true Pam
This is the best thing i've read in a long time..


what did you know and when did you know it??!! sounds like a lawyers question to a politician!!!

i remember all the way back being fascinated with people that changed their sex...or at least thats how ithought of it..i developed all kinds of defense mechanisms to keep me functioning and
ilived my life knowing that being a woman wasnt possible...i still struggle with my inner dialogue in this regard and feel like i'm a fake...

to me we all face a very similar issue as little kids and its just sooooo sad that there is nobody there to tell us what it means..

I'll try not to be offended at being told I sound like a lawyer. ;)

I think I asked that because I wondered if it was the predominant train of thought that all MTF TS's had. I wasn't sure that you could be considered a true TS if your wanting to be a girl didn't start until your teen years, or later. I certainly wasn't a typical boy - I didn't climb trees, or roughhouse, or fight, or whatever, when I was young. Then again, I don't recall having thoughts of wanting to be a girl, either.

I'm just trying to figure out where I am, I guess, in the gender spectrum.

[morgan51]

About age 4 I knew I wasn,t the right gender but I,m sure I didn't know what to call it like others though I did know something was very wrong with me. This followed me thru middle age It never went away. Too bad it took me until 56 to decide to do something about it. What Pam and Kaitlyn said sure applies here.

[dreamy01]

was around 13 playing with my younger sister and we dressed up and it just felt right always knew I was different this just brought it to light.I have never regretted that day ever and just recently I reconnected with her after 17 yrs of lost time.I also came out to her and she was very excepting and said it most have always been there and wished I had told her before this.

[Byanca]

For me it's more like subconsciousness thing. It comes out in my dream, fantasies, drunk etc. I try to keep it at distance otherwise. My conscious mind is more genderless. Trying to survive. But it's always been clear that the forces trying to take over are feminine by nature. That's what I call the human in me. And I've always known that it would be good for everyone that I let them fully ingrain themselves. Instead of being this more alien like creature that I am now. Living almost completely inside my own head. I am very certain that madness will get me if I don't sometime do something. I told the therapist that I was scared. About both doing something and not doing something.

[Kathryn Martin]

I think I asked that because I wondered if it was the predominant train of thought that all MTF TS's had. I wasn't sure that you could be considered a true TS if your wanting to be a girl didn't start until your teen years, or later. I certainly wasn't a typical boy - I didn't climb trees, or roughhouse, or fight, or whatever, when I was young. Then again, I don't recall having thoughts of wanting to be a girl, either.

I'm just trying to figure out where I am, I guess, in the gender spectrum.

JC you have got to be careful not to buy into the politics of gender. What you are saying is, that there is a typology of MtF transgenderism that will tell you if you are or are not a "real" or "true" TS. There is no answer to your question really, except the one you can give yourself. It is hard because in some ways we crave as much validation by being classified as any other person. If you feel like a woman, who is to tell you you're not because you didn't think so when you were 4? and where is the cut off point. 10? 12? maybe 13?

Just my thoughts

Kathryn

[Gerrijerry]

So there I was in the womb and I look at myself. Is this a joke I thought, exactly what is that think for between my legs. Mom doesn't have that.Then I heard her thoughts. A boy what is a boy I wondered. I am not one of those things what ever they are. Soon I was born and everyone said what a pretty little boy I was. Pretty being the main word I heard. Of course I am pretty I am a girl I thought. 60 years later and things are finally changing. Women they now say, to bad she was born with a few manly trates. Yes it is a problem I think but I am fixing that finally. As you grow you learn. The world is different now also. Not totally accepting but so mch better. With that the closets will start to empty out and the girls will be seen more and more. Like many have said you and the world can fight what you are but over time your head and body will not rest until you are who you need to be. AS the world changes and acceptance grows so will those who need to be what they are inside grow. One day people will say what a lovely girl when looking at the baby. And mom will say thank you yes A small problem needs to be corrected but she is a lovely little girl and other moms will say the same about some of the little girls becoming little boys. Then the issue will not be an issue and life will be what is was meant to be. We will get it correct sooner or later. Just takes time.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

When I first put on my mothers bras and dresses then I realized that Im a girl.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I think I asked that because I wondered if it was the predominant train of thought that all MTF TS's had. I wasn't sure that you could be considered a true TS if your wanting to be a girl didn't start until your teen years, or later. I certainly wasn't a typical boy - I didn't climb trees, or roughhouse, or fight, or whatever, when I was young. Then again, I don't recall having thoughts of wanting to be a girl, either.



don't worry..some of my worst friends are lawyers!!

I climbed trees!! I fought with my brother (altho it didnt occur to me until much later in life that i actually fought by covering up my face and crying)..i played strat o matic baseball and kept all the stats..i loved going to football games..i got along great with everybody...i hung out will all boys

and i read about how "transsexuals" "knew" from "their earliest memory" that they were girls, and that they "hated" their penis and "would rather die" than keep it...etc
these ideas did so much harm to me..they caused me so much confusion..i still suffer from them...i spent so much time wondering wondering wondering...

are their different kinds of transsexuals? is gender binary? ... i know the answer now...it's maybe.

as you think about your situation..i encourage you try really hard to focus on the day to day reality.. if you are asking yourself whether u are transsexual..there is a pretty darn good chance you are...there is lots of "if you could go 24/7 would you?" of fantasy thinking..this is a good thing...its fun and relieves the anxiety of day to day gender dissonance suffered by all stripes of trans people.....

but the day to day reality of transition or even living a gender queer life is very very different that thinking about it....

by focusing on the HARSH HARSH realities of transition, you can think less about things that are unknowable..and you can start to get healthy in your mind about whatever path or choice is right for you...

[Steph.TS]

don't worry..some of my worst friends are lawyers!!

I climbed trees!! I fought with my brother (altho it didnt occur to me until much later in life that i actually fought by covering up my face and crying)..i played strat o matic baseball and kept all the stats..i loved going to football games..i got along great with everybody...i hung out will all boys

and i read about how "transsexuals" "knew" from "their earliest memory" that they were girls, and that they "hated" their penis and "would rather die" than keep it...etc
these ideas did so much harm to me..they caused me so much confusion..i still suffer from them...i spent so much time wondering wondering wondering...

are their different kinds of transsexuals? is gender binary? ... i know the answer now...it's maybe.

as you think about your situation..i encourage you try really hard to focus on the day to day reality.. if you are asking yourself whether u are transsexual..there is a pretty darn good chance you are...there is lots of "if you could go 24/7 would you?" of fantasy thinking..this is a good thing...its fun and relieves the anxiety of day to day gender dissonance suffered by all stripes of trans people.....

but the day to day reality of transition or even living a gender queer life is very very different that thinking about it....

by focusing on the HARSH HARSH realities of transition, you can think less about things that are unknowable..and you can start to get healthy in your mind about whatever path or choice is right for you...

for me I want to transition, I want to have therapy, go on HRT, have SRS/FFS train my vocals, but I'm terrified of coming out to my friends and family, dressing 24/7 (especially at work) I wish Gender wasn't taken so seriously by society, and we could be who we wanted to be. but some people hate it when others swim against the current...

[KarenCDFL]

This is a very easy question to answer.

Pretty much when I became sentient which was about 3 years old or so.

[Melissa A.]

for me I want to transition, I want to have therapy, go on HRT, have SRS/FFS train my vocals, but I'm terrified of coming out to my friends and family, dressing 24/7 (especially at work) I wish Gender wasn't taken so seriously by society, and we could be who we wanted to be. but some people hate it when others swim against the current...

You're terrified? That means you're paying attention, have your feet gounded in reality, and know what's going on around you. You're rational. Becoming un-terrified takes a little work. And a need to be un-miserable. It's a process that changes every preconcieved notion you ever had about transition, you, and the world. There are a gazillion really good reasons many people have for waiting, and I'd never be so arrogant as to tell anyone that they are doing anything wrong. But if you're simply waiting to be ready, you probably won't ever be ready to stop waiting. Fear doesn't become something else all by itself, but lemme tell ya, with a little kick in the butt, it does do that. Right before your very eyes. What's the worst thing that can happen if you see a proffessional and attempt to find out what it is that you need? If you talk, listen, and pay attention, you might then actually have to make a decision. But at that point, you will think about all of this just a teeny, tiny bit differently. Don't take my word for it. It's happened to you, in a million different ways, already. perceptions change. fear changes. Experiences do that. Yeah, some people do hate those who are different. But alot don't. Some don't give a crap, either. You're judging the world as much as you fear it judging you. Stop that.

J, I knew when I was four years old. Then went out and ran, jumped, and climbed. I threw a ball. Alot. I couldn't fight, but I hated tomatoes. I loved astronomy. My teachers all thought I was hyperactive. I loved sports. I secretly loved girls, while proclaiming their ickyness. I was shy, outgoing, talkative, moody, and often did embarrassing things. I crossdressed. I rode my bike so much, my butt became concave. Later on, I joined a fraternity. I drank too much. Then I stopped doing that. I married and divorced twice. My sexuality changed. I played poker with the boys. I crossdressed some more. I still loved sports, just a little less obsessively.

I could go on and on, but there isn't any point here, except that there is no point in trying to find a pattern or rule of transsexualism. Ok, the cding made me a just a bit different from the other boys/men. and my inner thoughts were always a bit odd, like, "when are they gonna realise that I don't belong on this side of the gym, and kick me out??"

Eventually, it all came crashing down on me, and I realised I needed help. I got it. When I realised I should have been a girl? Yeah, I guess that idea existed for a long time. But is totally irrelevant when trying to answer the question, "Am I a transsexual?" The when, I mean. And how you lived your life up until the point that you began asking that question is a product of alot of things, but does it say anything about your transness? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe a little, maybe alot, maybe not at all. Do yourself a favor, and quit quizzing yourself. There's no pre-requisites that I know of. relax and get on with the job of finding out who you are. It's scary, painful, fun, sad, funny, eye-opening, and real damn fulfilling, whatever the result. No one's going to bar you at the door for not being the perfect transsexual, K?

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[tanyalynn51]

I first started thinking about it when I was around 10. I knew there was something really wrong with who I was, but wasnt sure what. I was at a friend's house and saw her girl scout uniform. I was a cub scout. I wanted so bad to be a girl scout. When I started dressing a couple of years later, all it did was make the feeling grow stronger. I eventually buried it for years, with drugs and alcohol, after my parents caught me (they found my stash), and I just couldnt bring myself to tell them what was going on. The thoughts and feelings would still come crashing in at times, and I would still even have the chance to dress occasionally, but it would be until I was 35 before I could really deal with it again. Although I have gone through periods of purging, for the last 15 years, I have spent most of it living at home as a woman, and at work as a man. I dont know why it took me this long to get into counselling, but Im going to get my answers once and for all.

[Starling]

...Although I have gone through periods of purging, for the last 15 years, I have spent most of it living at home as a woman, and at work as a man...


Hey Tanya, you've got my dream. I'd love to live my private life as a woman, and go fulltime when I retire. But even if I can't have my dream, I'll never purge again.

I've spent far too many years in the wrong life.

:) Lallie

[Byanca]

I stopped purging when I was 18. And have not felt the need since at all. Something I am very happy about. As the purging only lasted about a week. And then all that trouble re stacking :eek: So that last time something changed. And I realized, why should I pretend? Especially to my self. I think it was because I had been found out, well, again and by friends this time, not just the family.

[Rianna Humble]

The most common answer I have seen is that most MTF transexuals knew for as long as they can remember. Did any of you know later in life? If so, when?

I'm a little confused at times - I honestly feel that I could live the rest of my life as a woman, and not really miss being a guy. Maybe it's just because I am new to crossdressing, and am in the honeymoon phase. My gf asks if I intend to become a female, and I really don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe halfway.

Any light you can shine on this would be greatly appreciated

Thanks

Jessie

I have to concur with the chorus that says only you can answer whether you are transsexual and whether transition would be right or wrong for you. I detest the phrase "true transsexual" with every part of my being - it suggests that the person using the term thinks some of us suffer for the fun of it. Almost as if someone could say to themselves "Hey, what the heck, I know I'm really not transsexual, but I will live my life convinced that I suffer from being in the wrong body because that sounds like a fun thing to do!"


I remember thinking about getting a "sex change" when I was about 4... praying to God every night that I would wake up in the morning having been changed into a girl... But I also didn't start to get serious about this until a few years ago, because as much as I knew it was wrong I had always shoved it out of my mind, thinking that this simply was not an option for me. Now I regret lost time.

I guess I differ from Hope in that I don't remember realising I was in the wrong body until about age 7 or 8, but after that I prayed every night for about 2 weeks that if god existed she would let me wake up as a girl. Guess what! It didn't happen.

I fought this knowledge as hard as I could for nearly 47 years, them got to the stage where I knew I had to accept who I am or give up on life. I decided that there was more future in acceptance.

You don't need to decide right here and now where you are going to end up, just accept who you are and let the rest follow its course. In the end you will know how much or how little is right for you. It is good that you are considering the feelings of your gf and I'm sure she will appreciate your honesty, provided that you are completely honest with her about this.

I have heard of people on these forums who didn't really know that they were transsexual until it was pointed out to them, but then they realised that this explained what they had known all along.

For now, you have an accepting gf, you are able to cross-dress. Please don't beat yourself up wondering if you are or are not transsexial. You are transgender, you will eventually know how much or how little you need to find balance in your own life, so why not enjoy the here and now?

[Carole Cross]

The first time I wanted to be a girl was when I realised that i was different to the other boys which was about the age of 4 or 5. I can remember praying that I could wake up as a girl and secretly trying on my sisters clothes whenever i got the chace. I knew I wanted to transition when I found out it was possible to change sex, I just didn't have the confidence to do it, until now.

[Melody Moore]

I think that I have always identified as a girl from the day that I was born, but it was pretty darn obvious that I was
a female in my true gender identity when I was getting into my mother's make up & sister's clothes at the age of 5 or 6.

Also ever since Ive been old enough to date Ive told every single partner that I have felt like a lesbian
in a male body, but none of them ever took me seriously - oh boy... if they could all see me now LMAO!

[Chickhe]

It has taken most of my life to decide I don't want to be a woman... well permanently anyways...well, probably... It takes a lot of self evaluation and experimenting to decide what my goals are and what I need to do to resolve them.

[Asako]

I had thoughts and wishes for aspects of being feminine. Throughout childhood, I recall once in a great while feeling majorly different from others but it wasn't until I was 10 that I CDed for the first time and realized that something wasn't what I thought was "normal" at the time. Scared the hell outta me to the point that I buried my feelings until I was 20. Took me 4 years to deal with my feelings and come out to my parents and my oldest sister. Now, I'm sitting here in a bra and breast forms occasionally wishing that, as a kid, I had the courage to explore those feelings instead.

[Melody Moore]

Now, I'm sitting here in a bra and breast forms occasionally wishing that, as a kid, I had the courage to explore those feelings instead.It really sounds to me like you should be talking to a Psychologist rather than trying to work this out on your own. I know now that I should have got some proper help because I really dont think I would have been transitioning so late in my life & at the age of 47 that is for sure.

[Empress Lainie]

Easy for me to answer: July 2, 2007.

[BreenaDion]

For me yes like some of us I was 4 1/2 ish an then the big STOP ! sign, go no further. Wasnt untile after my divorce from 1st wife, that was a miserable marrage an so on. I spent 4 years with my older brother also divorced going nowhere. Then LOL go figure, stress at work I quit an made my whole life and sense of self different. Is when my True Self started to imerge, being about 28 at that time. Slowly of course then at age 53 I really seriously wanted to look more feminine, just by looking in the mirror I didnt even see my self. Now I am transitioning on the fast track like some other girls. Yes in retrospect you do get more desire to change as you get older, just never stops at least in my case.
Bree.
I would like to take this opportunity to Thank every one involed for letting me Post my thoughts an History in these forums.
I copy an print them an hand it to my gender specialist an my psycologist for further review,as to better understand me.
Thank you all,
With warm thoughts an appreciation. Love Breena

[Victoria Anne]

I always knew I was different at the age of 3 but was not really sure how , I just wanted to dress and be like the girls . I cross dressed all my life and wasted a lot of time trying to fit in to the boy world , never liked sports but I engaged in a lot of risky and out right dangerous activities to be the "tough guy" As an young adult I joined the Marine Corps and continued to fight against who I was . As I said I wasted a lot of time in my life and did a lot of stupid things , at age 46 I finally accepted who I was and now at 50 (next month) I have finally become who I was always meant to be . I still have a long way to go in learning to be a woman but I can tell you this I have never been so happy in all my life. That big scary world out there ... it took a while but I learned it is not so scary. I wish you luck in your journey but I do strongly recommend you seek out a gender therapist.

[Gina X]

I have always known I was a TV but it wasn't until fairly recently I realised I wanted a man to make full love to me then I knew I was really a girl and there wasn't ever to be any going back. Unfortunatly I have too many health complications to go for SRS but if I was younger and healthier I wouldn't hesitate, being a proper woman is the best feeling in the world.......................

Lots of love GinaX

[Melody Moore]

I always knew I was different at the age of 3 but was not really sure how , I just wanted to dress and be like the girls . I cross dressed all my life and wasted a lot of time trying to fit in to the boy world , never liked sports but I engaged in a lot of risky and out right dangerous activities to be the "tough guy" As an young adult I joined the Marine Corps and continued to fight against who I was . As I said I wasted a lot of time in my life and did a lot of stupid things , at age 46 I finally accepted who I was and now at 50 (next month) I have finally become who I was always meant to be . I still have a long way to go in learning to be a woman but I can tell you this I have never been so happy in all my life. That big scary world out there ... it took a while but I learned it is not so scary. I wish you luck in your journey but I do strongly recommend you seek out a gender therapist.
Wow Viccy, reading that is almost like reading about myself & typically I also felt like a square peg trying to fit into round hole trying to fit in with other males.

I too cross-dressed (in secret of course) rght up until the age to 16. I never liked the typical male sports such as Football or Cricket, but as a teenager I got right into other sports like roller skating & roller hockey & was always one of the most competitive in what ever I put my hand to. I also started learning martial arts around the age of 14. As I got older I started to engaged in even more risky activities trying to be the 'tough guy'. I eventually joined the Army for no other reason other than to be a a soldier - even my recruiter told me that I could do anything I wanted in the Army, but I told him I was to joining the Army to be a real soldier, so I naturally insisted on the Infantry Corps.

I over-compensated a lot trying to be a male, so I partied hard & got drunk a lot & even got tattoos as well just to be 'one of the boys'. By the time I left the Army I was a full-on adrenalin junkie - I engaged in a lot of dangerous activities - including Motocross Racing, Drag Racing & illegal road racing, rock climbing & abseiling, skydiving, scuba diving & free diving to some very scary depths trying to prove myself to be better & tougher than any other man & always succeeded in no small way, but the truth was nothing changed on the inside - I was always this soft & gentle & very caring female within, but always protected by this very tough shell of a male on the outside that other people would never dare to mess with - but the whole time I knew I was living a lie. Around the age of 44/45 I knew I couldn't keep up the masquerade any longer and had to start living as my true self, so I started to transition 2 years later and like you I on HRT & live full-time as a female now.

I have never felt so happy & at peace until I started to live as my true self - I just hope others like Jessie
here & who read this can find that same happiness & contentment that both you and I both now share.

[Lorileah]

I was totally convinced at the age of 4 that I had been born a girl and someone had decided to make me a boy. I knew this because I could feel where they had sewn me closed. I could feel the scar. Why did they do this? I really don't know, I was an only child at the time and all my friends were male so I have no idea how I knew girls were different (unless it was my first two years that I spent I was babysat by a family who had a daughter 1 month older than I am who was my constant companion). But I was sure that I was really a girl even back then. I didn't dress until I was about 7 for Halloween.

[Hope]

i developed all kinds of defense mechanisms to keep me functioning and
ilived my life knowing that being a woman wasnt possible...i still struggle with my inner dialogue in this regard and feel like i'm a fake...

Damn, it is good to hear someone else say THAT out loud.

When I was in 7th grade, like 12 or 13 years old, my voice dropped literally overnight. I was a 12 year old with a booming bass voice, and everyone was so amazed by it. People would tell me all the time "You have a wonderful deep voice." And then I started growing about an inch a month... So, by the time I was 14, 6'2" and a bass, I figured there was really no hope for me (what little hope had existed before), and the whole thing was just easier to push out of my mind as "not possible" and go on with "guy life." I still feel like a complete and utter fraud, which of course is confirmed any time I look in the mirror...

It is excruciating torment having people look up to you for the things you hate most about yourself.

[AmandaM]

I've always been confused, wished I was a girl, been jealous of girls. But, to actually think I "should have been" a girl. That happened only a few years ago.

[Sara74]

For me, I think it was around 7 or 8 when I started to notice I was becoming a tad bit different. I grew up with 2 older sisters and never had any male influence in my life cause dad was never around when you needed him. I adapted, and learned life through their eyes, and my mother's. Sure I was still a boy and acted like a boy, but as time rolled on, I slowly got more in tune with the femme side. It was really a rough time never knowing what was going on, and why I was having the thoughts I was having. And there was no way I was going to talk about it with anyone. Even at a young age, I was rational enough to know that this was not normal. I felt completely alone and thought I was the only one on the planet that was having this issue. So I kept it to myself and struggled with this all my life. Always trying to carry the male image, but also fighting with this irresistable urge to be a woman. I too had the wishes and dreams every night that I would magically wake up as a beautiful 23 year old 5' 3" 110 pound model. Still have those dreams!! But just this year is when I realized after going full on with make up and the whole shabang for the first time ever....that I should have been a girl. February 2010...after 20+ years of doing this....I finally gave Sara a name.

[PretzelGirl]

I guess I fall into the much later in life category. As a matter of fact, I don't believe it has crossed my mind in the form of knowing I **should** have been a girl. Am I out of the ordinary? Absolutely. But I feel more in the middle leaning towards the girl side (and as an educational note, I do remember saying I leaned male somewhere around 1 to 1 1/2 years ago). So maybe that is how it progresses for a late bloomer. We shall see.

[Byanca]

I 'crossdressed' all my life. And at some point I was scolded for it. This is wrong etc. Then my mother started a heavy imprinting process. Using boy in every second sentence. Refuced to let me grow my hair. Boys don't do this and that etc....so I guess I started thinking I was a boy. But I always knew something was not right. At around 12 I even started wearing menstruation pads as I hoped this would make it happen, still do know and then, feels right. But things had turned very internal at this age. Except for my grandmother that I was very connected too. She lived next house. After my grandfather died I started going dressed to her. She thought me all things she liked. Embroidery, weaving etc. So I did grow up partly as girl. Probably the best days of my life. Totally accepted. I don't think she ever told my parents. They found out anyhow, as I kept being found out and scolded, by my mother. My father didn't seem to care. Just laughed once and said he saw a pretty girl outside my window(this is in the countryside...so no one else around). But it just made me embarrassed. I'm still terrified for my mothers judgement regarding this. At some point I will have to tell them. That I plan to transition for realz.

But I don't separate all that much between women/men-as they are both humans and kind of similar. But I know where I belong, and always did.

I have done a lot of male stuff, there has usually always been girls on this too, so didn't make me feel more masculine. Started growing beard was what caused me the deepest depression. At times really severe. I use the razor so hard that I bleed all over the face each and every time. Because I can't get enough of this horror away. Makes me cry. It's not healthy. And I've been too poor to do anything about it. Never had a job either, as I can't bear to integrate and build relations on the wrong premises. Because I've seen how hard/impossible those are to brake down. I've always wished for this to just go away. I guess I still do. Waiting.

[JessiRed]

Damn, it is good to hear someone else say THAT out loud.

When I was in 7th grade, like 12 or 13 years old, my voice dropped literally overnight. I was a 12 year old with a booming bass voice, and everyone was so amazed by it. People would tell me all the time "You have a wonderful deep voice." And then I started growing about an inch a month... So, by the time I was 14, 6'2" and a bass, I figured there was really no hope for me (what little hope had existed before), and the whole thing was just easier to push out of my mind as "not possible" and go on with "guy life." I still feel like a complete and utter fraud, which of course is confirmed any time I look in the mirror...

It is excruciating torment having people look up to you for the things you hate most about yourself.

This is exactly how I feel too, well said.

For me it was when my mom told me I couldn't wear dresses and makeup anymore and play dress up with my sisters. I was 4 or 5. I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to wear those things and she had to explain to me that it was because I was a boy and boys didn't do that.

I love my mom dearly but she is very old school in that regard. When I came out to her at 23 she said "God made you a boy and that's what you're supposed to be, end of story!"

[Melody Moore]

"God made you a boy and that's what you're supposed to be, end of story!"
How laughable is that comment?

I guess she forgot that God does make some mistakes & some of us are born XXY/intersexed or hermaphrodite. LOL

[Paige Valtieri]

I grew up pretty much being raised as a girl almost to the age of five so I have pretty much have always had the feeling I should have been a girl. I had really long hair when I was young which most of the time was pretty much down to the backs of my knees and when ever and where ever I went in public people would always stop and tell me what a beautiful young girl I was and how they loved my hair and how I looked just like my mother and how they knew I would grow up to be a lovely young lady. Of course my dad was never around for any of that, but when my dad was around he heard that once and for the next thirteen or so years he had forbidden me from growing my hair out. And at age sixteen he found my stash of girl clothes and forbidden me from going to any of my male friend's houses for fear of me being gay. Then one week before my eighteenth birthday due to certain events I ended up living with my aunt and have been growing my hair out ever sense. I have sense left my aunt's, I am now twenty, my hair is now just passing the bottom of my shoulder blades and I hope to have a job and start counseling before my twenty first birthday on April 2nd of next year. I have also sense come out to my immediate family and most of my friends with no support from my family but full support from my friends and am just about to the point of giving up on my family and trudging out on my own with nothing but my friends.

[trappedNhere]

When did I know? Today, no yesterday, no that's not right either, always? All I do know is that I know. My earliest memories are of being jealous of my beautiful sister. She was always called beautiful (an is, was actually a model). Kinda hate her, D kids and still a size 5. Ugh. Always wanted to play with her and her friends. They "made" me play dress upn makeup and all the rest. He He, she thought they were tormenting me but secretely, I loved it. Played with her easy bake oven and made things from ingrediants from kitchenn not the mixes. Cooking is still a passion. Love to please someone with my domestic skills. Played with her dolls till Dad found out. Then had to settle for G I Joes etc. However my G I Joe always played house w barbie and was doing "nice" things for her. Well till puberty and first look at Dads gallery mags. Played football and only wanted to cheer. Was a swimmer and wished I could wear that racing back suit. Always did my sisters make-up for her when she went out. Longing for her to do me. And "watched" as she made out wishing I was her. But circumstances led me to live "male" cause it was expected. Had a "gay" experence (oral) at age 12 w a friend (he was experamenting, I was not) lost the friendship at age 17 when I asked him if her remembered, and if I could do that again. Got married at 23. And most of the sexual satisfaction I got was anal play. She was ok w it. Too bad many other issues there. Divorced and major depression set in. Tried to compensated with women (sorry ladies). Got married again 5 years later to my beautiful wife. However she knows of my wearing panties. Major turn off for her much less when I shave. Anyway, this is way off subject. So to say I believe at the time of conception!!

[Cassi3]

When I was 5 I started praying every night that I would wake up as a girl.

This was the same for me as well, I remember once telling my grandmother that I was born wrong and didn't feel right!

[Pattie O]

I first tried on my mum's pantyhose and a hair clip when I was 5 but did not know what to make of this.Then when I was 8 I was in a play at school and my role was as a dairymaid and I was "allowed" to wear tights and a pretty skirt and I think it was at this stage that I started to feel "different",I just loved all the dress rehearsals!! I still think it was not until I turned 12 and went in to the city to a costume shop and purposefully purchased a red tutu with leotards and a pair of pink ballerina shoes( at the time this seemed like a dramatic step on my journey because I knew that if I was caught that it would be hugely embarrassing) that I started to really "want" to be a girl.I then started to dress in mum's lingerie and outerwear ,started applyng make up and using hair spray and I think I still tried to deny this side of me but just adored to let my feminine self come out when possible. I have suppressed this side of me on and off for many years and now she is back with a vengeance trying to escape from my masculine side.Wow!!

[janice murray]

I've always known I should have been a girl.

[prene]

It happened later in life for me.
I was in college and I was dating this georgeous woman. We were playing around and I caught myself confused. I switching back and forth in what I wanted.
I was amazed at this gorgeous college girls body and wanted to be a gm to
I wished/longed for that body as mine. I didn't want it as a gm I wanted it to transistion to.

As a gm I thought "your crazy"
not any more

[Ingrid1999]

It was a slow realization that started around 4 or 5.
In the beginning I just did what I wanted to, played with dolls and played with toyguns, friends with boys and girls. I identified with the tomboys and the introverted boys mostly but not exclusively, but the adults seemed to think I was turning into a sissy. And it was adults that created problems for me, and then my parents started enforcing boy behavior on me: forcing me to stay for weeks on end with my male relatives, discouraging certain friends from visiting me and certainly not my girlfriends, correcting and ridiculing me if I giggled or moved or sat or held my hands in certain ways., even words I used. Picking out my own clothes was out of the question for longer than I want to admit even now. I wasnt even doing anything overtly feminine then. I just wasn't like the other boys. But it seemed like my masculinity was the whole family's business. This started about 2nd grade.

At about 4th grade I knew I was more girl than boy inside. And I knew I could not talk about it. I started raiding my mother's closet, tucking and identifying with women characters. Soon after I found the word "transvestite" in the Encyclopeadia Britanica and I was terrified and crushed and ashamed. It was 20 years later on the internet that I learned about transgenderisim. In between was a lot of confusion, longing, overcompensation, experimentaion and selfmedication.
A good bit of fun too.
But if i had been born 20 years later I would have had a lot more information to work with and made very different choices.

[jessicaheartt09]

I was always different and remember the first time dressing with my younger sister when 6 or 7 and then throughout the years not learning what it meant till my teens thanks to the internet. Just be true to yourself and don't be afraid to try something new, go out, tell your closet friend. Only self discovery and enlightenment about who you are can come from it.

[MarieTS]

I remember it to this day: I was two. While playing with other toddlers in an attic I thought I'm one of these (girls), not one of those (boys). At 5&6 that sensation continued. By 9 I began asking mom questions on the difference between boys & girls; she didn't break the code. Puberty was difficult dealing with the frustration of my body changing in the wrong direction. Ever since has been a living hell coping with nature's folly, buffered only by episodic TG experiences and dreams of transitioning.

[munshine nightwood]

I was 2 or 3 years old when I knew, and now I'm going to start the transformation to become the girl that I am on the inside. just found out that my insureance is going to pay 100% for me to become me!!!!!!!

[Nicola2876]

I used to pray that boys turned into women and vice versa when I was young. As far as I can remember I've been female in about 75% of my dreams. I really did think that all boys wanted to be girls. Why wouldn't they?