Has crossdressing caused a disruption to your spiritual balance?

[Jay Cee]

I'm trying to figure this out. In the past 5+ years, my spiritual balance has been pretty good. It would be low at times, like anyone, but generally I felt... centered. I could feel that energy inside me, and when I spent time in nature, it was heaven.

Nowadays, I feel kind of hollow. It's like a part of my soul is missing, for lack of better wording. Even time spent in the outdoors seems kind of empty. I like it, but it doesn't have the same sparkle as it used to.

I'm trying to pin down the cause. Work is okay, even if the job seems a bit longish. My gf is going through some work stress, but it shouldn't be affecting me this much. Seasonal affective disorder? Nah, it's not the middle of winter yet. Finances are not ideal, but they are not overwhelming, either.

Crossdressing? Ahhhhh.... maybe. My lack of internal balance seems to coincide with when Jessie made her "official" appearance. The basic background, in case you wondered, is that I have been a very intermittent crossdresser for about 30 years (mostly lingerie). It was only a few months ago that I actually cd'ed in front of another person (my loving and very open minded gf). I'm already halfway to the deep end of femininity, and it feels pretty good. Despite that, I can't help but wonder if there isn't some correlation between feeling down and dressing like a woman.

Any have any thoughts, advice, or similar experiences that they can share?

Greatly appreciated

Jessie

[Asako]

Think of your spirit as a pond and CDing being a rock than landed in your pond, causing a disturbance in the form of ripples. Those ripples go on for a good while before slowly dissipating and affect quite a number of things in your life. As they dissipate, you will find your balance once more. The feeling you describe sounds like depression. "things that were fun and great aren't so great anymore." is a major part of what I hear from your post. You can't just change your gender balance and expect things to stay great but eventually, you WILL find your balance again. Don't believe me? Go toss a rock into a large pond and watch the ripples it makes. Watch them disappear and understand that eventually, the ripples caused by your change will dissipate and you should be feeling right as rain once again.

[Starling]

In my humble opinion, J., allowing your crossdressing desire to flower has shown you your true nature, and you need to find a new spiritual balance based on the real you. I'm sure it's scary, as unbidden insights often are. I wish you good luck in finding your true center.

:) Lallie

[suchacutie]

Rather than a disturbance, I really feel that I have been enlightened. Transgenderism arrived within 2 days and I guess it could have been a disaster, but instead it was as if a door opened that had always been there but had remained hidden. I can't remember a time that was more invigorating or renewing!

tina

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm just as spiritual now as I was before I accepted my crossdressing. It seemed that once I begin to try to match up spirituality with doctrine I end up with questions and conflict, not good answers. That is as much as I can contribute but I wish you all the best in your quests for meaning.

[Lucy_Bella]

I understand the OP's direction for this thread, I have been allowing myself to just let go in hopes for this to peak. Question is...Does it ever peak. I have simular reasons for this and why I have choose to do this. I recently (about 6 months ago ) dated and exposed my dressing desire to a GF .. I was like walking on air to have an accepting S.O. the Ex wife was like walking on broken glass..

To have had that freedom and for the first time in my life was nothing short of living a dream come true. But like all good things it ended and since then I have fallen into a deep Pink Fog with depression to boot..I figured , that if I was gonna continue to have this desire to be ME then I must allow these feelings to flow freely to slowly end this life long struggle and in order to do that I must accept myself first . It made sense ,I mean how can I expect anyone else to accept me when I couldn't..

[Chickhe]

I know exactly what you are talking about. It is when you complete a goal, you then feel a sense of loss or boredom. I get the same feeling when I work really hard to obtain something and then I don't know what to do next.

So, you outted yourself after 30 years, a major feat and now you don't know what to do next. The only thing I can think of to feel better is to do anything...just get started and you will re-discover your joy.

[Lynn Marie]

Personally, I didn't see any reference whatsoever to any doctrine, religion, or an almighty in Jessie's post. It just looks to me like she's just feeling a little on the dreary side.

There does seem to be a little let down when you "come out" of the closet. Now the mystery and intrigue are gone and dressing becomes different. Also there does seem to be an awkwardness about being dressed in front of your gf when you are supposed to be the macho man of her hearts desire. Even if she is perfectly fine with it, it becomes different.

So maybe something different in your life is called for here. How about a little laundry room sex with an unbalanced load on the "spin" cycle! Good luck in finding your "center" again. I'm sure it will come back.

[Alice Torn]

Depression is no fun, and more and more people have it. I always feel don, after an accomplishment. Not having had a SO, who i almost married, since 1987, My cding is partly to fill the void of no lady. I struggle with spirituality, religion, and God, too. To be human is to be conflicted.

[GaleWarning]

Some thoughts ...

In the same way, crossdressing could be seen as a form of addiction, if it becomes something which takes over my life and begins to affect my relationships, and I cannot control the urge.
Like many others on this forum, there have been times when i have deliberately chosen to stop CDing, at least temporarily, when it seemed that it was causing others unnecessary distress.

At the moment I think that I am in a good space, but I am ever watchful incase the situation changes.

[felicityefeminata]

that is a wonderful insight into spirituality and life. I am so glad i read your post
Grazie

[Kate Simmons]

Balance is tricky at best, hence the illustration of a teeter totter. Balance is also relative to the situation and every little situation or scenerio needs it's own balance as well as the overall balance. We toss the word around like it's candy but we individually can only balance things for ourselves in a way that has meaning to us.:)

[Tracy_Victoria]

And lets be honest if you write a rule that is said not to be broken, why then in making you, make you want to do such a thing? ie break the rule!

if anything my dressing, and i'll be honest it more than that but I have no desire to change sex, only gender visually, has made me more balanced, Sadly my male side still has the rage factor, but I can at time look from both sides, sadly I as male some times speak, before thinking and before tracy has chance. but generally I can see things from both sides of fence.

[Jonianne]

I used to have depression and feeling bad about myself, blaming it on the crossdressing, untill one day (after lots of therapy) when I was having another bout of depression, it finally dawned on me that:

NO ONE WAS MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF, I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF!

The moment that sunk in, the depression lifted and never returned. That was 12+ years ago.

[Kathryn Martin]

I can't help but wonder if there isn't some correlation between feeling down and dressing like a woman.

I think that what you experience is the anti-climax to the excitement of your journey of discovery. In addition, accepting Jessie into your life in a very different way surely upsets the apple cart to some degree. I am experiencing the same thing, in that after the initial rush reality has set in. I cannot just leave the house dressed as the person I am, go to the grocery store, gas station or go to a cafe, I have to be circumspect not to leave my rings on when I leave in the morning for work, generally confining Kathryn to the house or occasionally to trips to the city. That is to some extent a not very upbeat reality or prospect. While I don't check the person I am at the door every time I leave, the expression of the person that I am gets left behind until I return.

And so now the real work begins. I must say however, that an underlying discontent that has been my companion for so many years has evaporated, and that is a step forward. Finding a balance is important and no one ever said it was easy, but it's worth our while. Wading into the deep end of femininity as you say also comes with many unfamiliar feeling and emotions. It's like being out at night in unfamiliar territory trying to find your way. It creates a little anxiety of the "what have I gotten myself into" variety. Whatever abilities you have developed over your lifetime to bring you balance, have not simply gone. Use them to bring the unsure step back to the middle of your road. There is a lot bright sunshine (albeit with a touch of pink:)) down the way and it's looking good.

Take care

Kathryn

[Butterfly Bill]

You're "already halfway to the deep end of femininity", and you're having visions of how it could be if you went all the way, and you aren't going to be able to rest until you've gone at least most of the way to the end. What you will eventually discover may be something different from your present visions, but only after you learned the truth will you be able to rest. Enjoy the unbalance, someday you may be looking back on it fondly.

[kimdl93]

As many of us report, we often feel down when we can't dress. But I think you've touched on another dynamic. Many of us - at least at one point in our lives - has felt shame, low self esteem or at least a little hidden embarrassment at being a crossdresser. its pretty hard to grow up disliking something about yourself, something fundemental to your nature, without feeling down. Even after opening up to a GF or SO you may still feel some of that burdern. The challenge is to be able to feel OK with yourself. As my therapist said - its not like you're committing a crime...you didn't kill anyone. You just like to wear women's clothes and to feel feminine. There isn't anything to be ashamed of!

Eventually you may be able to convince yourself of that truth and the saddness may go away.

[Karren H]

Being a heathen has it advantages in this instance but I do pray, all be it in a heathenly kind of way, that is there is a god.... That she has a sense of humor.... Else I'm toast...

[Michaela42]

Well, sometimes I feel down due to the fact that Makaila is not able to show herself completely. Other times it is because the male side of me does not feel 'masculine' enough. But like you said, you are relatively new to expressing your feminine side. Just give it some time and I am sure that you will find that balance.

[Ann Thomas]

I've had times like you're going through. What it did for me was show me how my inner barriers I'd set up were not appropriate for me. The barriers (or boundaries) came from external sources - ones I wanted to keep aligned with. The lack of centering for me was caused not by the revelation of something - in my case, same as yours, the revelation of crossdressing - but rather the barrier limiting me unnaturally.

I went through a time of bashing down barriers and boundaries that were unhealthy for me, and in doing so found who I really was. I found that my accepting myself as I was, was far more important than keeping boundaries in place to keep myself in acceptance of something else.

Some of the boundaries were very hard to locate the source of. One boundary I found was quite difficult to ascertain, but finally it came to light. I was raised quite a bit by my grandmother, and she was very stern in discipline, and had certain boundaries in her life. She seemed to instill some of those into me. I didn't put the puzzle pieces together until years later when I realized that she in turn had been raised by her grandmother. My grandmother was born in 1903, and her grandmother was born in something like 1840. So, the boundary I had most likely could be traced back to the Victorian era - one very into keeping appearances, and most importantly for me was that the body was nearly evil and dirty. That in turn made it very hard for me to accept my desires as normal for me.

So, I learned through my off-centeredness to accept myself as I am, and to break down the boundaries or barriers that would make any part of me unacceptable, abnormal, or unworthy.

It's the barriers or boundaries that are not natural to who you are. (Some of course are vital to society, like not committing murder. I'm not talking about boundaries in place to protect society on that level.) You were made by your creator to be the way you are - genetic studies are proving that on a daily basis.

Good luck on your journey - you're in a good place!

Hugs,
Ann

[Tima]

Think of your spirit as a pond and CDing being a rock than landed in your pond, causing a disturbance in the form of ripples. Those ripples go on for a good while before slowly dissipating and affect quite a number of things in your life. As they dissipate, you will find your balance once more.

This is an excellent analogy! I landed in the pond. PLOP! I then caused a disturbance in the lives of people around me. It’s taking time for my “ripples” to dissipate, probably because my family doesn’t appreciate the disturbance I’ve created. How can I explain my innocence, and smooth out the wrinkles? This is who I am. I know it. Why can’t others understand? Surely everything will balance out in the end, but getting there takes time and patience. I didn’t mean to be so disruptive, but I guess I didn’t turn out the way my family wanted.
:sad: