therapy?

[vanphair]

Has anyone ever thought about or actually gone to therapy related to your cd'ing? I was toying with the idea. I don't really want to stop, but I am thinking about going to better understanding of why I do it (curiousity more than anything), as well as to better accept my desires, especially for underdressing. It would be especially great if I could find someone who would work with me so that I could accept underdressing full time.

Any thoughts? If you have gone, did you go to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or even a "sexologist"?

[sandra-leigh]

Yes, there have been several threads about therapy in the last few weeks. There are a small number of people who say "Never trust anyone with your secret, not even a therapist"; and there are some who say "Therapy and psychiatry is quack pretending to science in order to rip you off"; and there are some who point out that military therapists might be required to pass information onwards -- but by far the greater majority say "Yes, absolutely, therapy has been very helpful!"

Therapy tends to get discussed in the Mental and Physical Health section, and in the Transsexual section, but it pops up most everywhere.

I do not remember reading of anyone going to a sexologist on this, but it would I suppose depend: if at present CD'ing is very sexual to you and that is presenting problems (e.g., if you now need to be dressed to "perform") then a sexologist might make sense. But for learning how to deal with it in your life, a therapist is usually appropriate. If at some point you are finding yourself wishing you could substantially CD rather than it being "an activity" then someone who specializes in "gender therapy" might be beneficial.

[Amanda22]

Hi, I went to therapy several years ago to help me cope with an issue I was having at the time. It worked for me. But CDing was not the topic of discussion. A couple of months ago, I wanted to resolve a lifelong feeling that something just wasn't right. I could not put my finger on it. I was always stressed about my job in spite of my boss giving me bonuses frequently for good performance. I would also harm myself physically as a form of relief from a life out of control. So I sought a female therapist in my knew area (different than the therapist I went to years ago). I specifically wanted to get counseling from a female since I consider myself a female inside, and have always related to women extremely well.

I want to stress that I did not seek therapy for understanding crossdressing (not that there's anything wrong with that!). I went in order to learn how to cope with job stress and to stop cutting and starving myself. I laugh about that now. I've carried the burden of secret crossdressing since childhood but thought that was somehow compartmentalized from the rest of my life. In a way, I'd learned to hide it from myself in addition to everyone else. My therapist is so good. She and I found that the root of my stress, hopelessness, and self-harm was being caused by living a life that really wasn't me. The "me" being the authentic, crossdressing self. She helped me learn to not only accept that I've always been a crossdresser/transgendered and always will be, but to fully embrace it. Like magic, I did!

Guess what happened then? My desire to harm myself vanished. My workload is bigger than ever, but I manage it easily. I don't have the nightly horrific (seriously disturbing) nightmares any more. Not a one. I came out to my beautiful wife who had already seen major change in me and she has gone from being "accepting or tolerant" of crossdressing, to being actively involved, encouraging her girl Amanda to get dressed up.

I know this was a long reply, but I want to encourage you to seek therapy. For me, honoring my authentic self solved all my other issues. I hope this helps!

[Karren H]

Paying someone to tell you something that can't be answered just amazes me... No one knows exactly "Why". But let's say theoretically that someone actually knew why (which if you read the previous line you will know can't happen) but let's say ok... You crossdress because your mother was abducted by aliens!! There. Now what? Feel any different? Did I make a difference going forward? Can you quit? If by pursuing something that first can't be answered (see above statement if you need further clarification) and secondly make absolutely no difference in your life going forward... When it didn't add value to your life and you wasted precious time you could have been doing stuff like crossdressing or even solving world peace (little miss america wave)..

Imho...

Ps. I made up the alien thing so disregard that.. :)

[GaleWarning]

Spend enough time in this site and you will soon find your niche on the CD<->TG spectrum.
You may also find out why you dress ... you will certainly find out those aspects of CDing, which do not apply to you.
This is a good place.
And the new-found knowledge and understanding is freely available!

[Amanda22]

At least for me, the question wasn't "why do I do it", but rather "how do I come to terms with it". I see the OP mentioned the word "why", and I agree that's certainly a question without an answer.

[Nicki S]

I don't think she was just referring to asking a therapist why she cross-dresses. I do believe that there are many other issues associated with dressing and that having the advice of a professional, who is familiar with CD'ing would be of great help.

So to answer her question. Yes, I am going tomorrow to speak with one. Strictly about CD.

[vanphair]

To answer your questions, I think the why would be more along the lines of is it a reflection or curiousity, comfort, desire, or some other issue lingering in the brain. But yes, ultimately I would love to figure out a way to come to terms with it - accept it and not feel any guilt or questions when I do it. And certainly not feel any shame or discomfort if I go shopping or underdress regularly.

And as for "sexologist", I'm not even sure what that means other than the descriptions on their websites I see are for people who try to work with patients to understand sexual issues and gain comfort with them. Seems kinda applicable here.

[Ruth]

Just to take up the point in Karren's post, it's quite unlikely that a reputable therapist will try to tell you why you CD, but much more likely you will get something like what Mandy got - an insight into who you are, and an acceptance of your CDing nature, freedom from guilt, peace of mind, and intangible stuff like that.
Sorry Karren but I think you are looking at therapy the wrong way.

[MelodyS.]

I go through phases, there are times I want to go to therapy to try to understand, but then there are times where I am content with never knowing the answer to why, but just go with it because it feels right to do so.

I think to go to therapy is just a way to vent and/or let someone know how you feel at that time. I think if you have a good friend that will listen and be a great advice giver, not only will you save money, but also accomplish what you went to the therapist for as well. That's just my opionon though, I could be wrong.

[GaleWarning]

At least for me, the question wasn't "why do I do it", but rather "how do I come to terms with it". I see the OP mentioned the word "why", and I agree that's certainly a question without an answer.

For me, finding out via this forum that I was simply a CDer did a lot to enable me to gain self-acceptance.

[Amanda22]

but much more likely you will get something like what Mandy got - an insight into who you are, and an acceptance of your CDing nature, freedom from guilt, peace of mind, and intangible stuff like that.

Thanks, Ruth, you said it better than I did.

[CalamityJane]

I thought about going for a short while, as you say to gain a understanding of why I CD, but I thought about it for a bit longer and considered that it would be lost cause. I concluded that it would be very unlikely for anyone to have an answer to why I CD as I have been doing it from such an early age I cannot see what outside influence could be the root cause, thus I figure its just the way I'm meant to be, and as time has passed by I don't feel the need for answers to these questions, I'm just happy with who I am and what I am.

[Hope]

When I get to heaven (and lets all just assume for a moment that there is someplace as delightful and fun as Heaven) the first thing I am going to ask God is why she made people such that the more in need of therapy they are, the more resistant to it they become. It is truly an unfair paradox.

To answer the OP's question - yes, lots and lots and lots of people here have gone to see a therapist about this. It is a wise thing to do, particularly if it is bothering you. My recommendation is always to find a therapist with a PhD or a PsyD, I avoid masters level therapists, but that is my own bias. There are lots of methods to use to find a good therapist, ask your family doctor, your pastor (provided you attend a pretty liberal church) or a friend you know who goes to therapy... You don't have to tell them why you are going, just ask them about who is good in the area. You won't necessarily want to go to that person, but that gives you a good source of information - call them up, or email them if you are shy, and ask them which therapists in the are work with transgender folks, and go to that person. Otherwise you can contact your local GLBT organization, and they will almost certainly have a list of providers they can give to you, you can check the website if you are afraid of actually going into a GLBT center. Or you can consult your health insurance' list of providers (provided that you are one of the anointed ones with health insurance). You may want to do that and cross reference your previous choice with your approved providers list unless you are willing / able to pay out of pocket. Personally I would suggest paying out of pocket for a good therapist who has experience with gender issues rather than using my insurance and not getting the care I need - but that again is my bias.

[Mary Morgan]

My own experience is that going to therapy to simply have an outlet may be valuable. Neither of the therapists I had were well schooled in transgender issues, including crossdressing, etc. Neither was judgmentasl and neither tried to "cure" me. In the end, I left therapy because I wasgetting little out of it, other than of course having a place to talk about my needs. In the end, the answers will come from you, and the answers will not likely be the ones you were expecting at the beginning. Frankly, this forum provides all that you need but you must cull through all of it and reach your own conclusions. In my case, therapy was really for my partner, and she would probably tell you to save your money.

[tanyalynn51]

I am one of those who recently started a thread about therapy recently. I think its a good idea, but then, to be fair, there are two things with me that may not apply with others. I need help with just who I am. If you are secure in who you are, and have some kind of network- this site served for me, but I couldnt crawl into my computer and live. I needed to talk face to face with someone. Its true today was only my second session, but as someone who does counselling on a limited basis myself, I feel she is doing right, and is helping me. the second thing where I am concerned is that I dont have to worry about paying- I have insurance that covers it all. But, whatever we all say, you have to make your own decision.

[Olivia2]

It is a wise thing to do, particularly if it is bothering you. My recommendation is always to find a therapist with a PhD or a PsyD, I avoid masters level therapists, but that is my own bias.

I agree with the first sentence but disagree with the second. In my life I have had therapy with a LCSW, a couple of PhD psychologists, an MD Psychiatrist and a Marriage and Family Therapist. The P's are not necessarily any better than the non P's. It really depends on the individual therapist and the therapeutic relationship you are able to develop with the therapist.

Sex therapists, frequently members of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (google it for therapists in your area) are usually trained to deal with a variety of sexually related issues. However, except for one, the therapists that I have seen have not been specifically trained in sex or gender related therapy, but many, nonetheless, have helped me gain more awareness and acceptance for who I am. If you can find someone with whom you are comfortable opening up, and they are not incompetent, you will likely get some benefit from therapy.

As mentioned, ask others for recommendations and/or interview them on the phone. Some will even grant a short visit for free as an interview to see if you both are a fit. Sometimes, they don't think they are a good fit for you-works both ways. This forum is indeed helpful but for some, including me, it is not enough to help with all my life issues. Good luck.

[Karren H]

.
Sorry Karren but I think you are looking at therapy the wrong way.

Actually not looking at it the wrong way... Not looking at it at all!! Lol.

Therapist are like consultants... You pay them to tell you what you want to hear and if they don't. You go find a new one that will!!

[Ruby John]

I went to a therapist a few times for stress problems not CDing and claimed it on my insurance. A year later I was trying to get new insurance and found out I could not because they said I had mental health problems. Go but pay in cash and leave no record. Ruby

[Sophie86]

I went to therapy in my late twenties to get help with a variety of issues. Crossdressing wasn't the main one, but it was on the list. I found it very helpful to be able to talk to someone about it. I was totally in the closet at that time. My therapist was very accepting. He seemed to take it for granted that it was something I should allow myself to do. His supportive attitude helped me to put it in perspective. At the time, I was looking for the answer to 'why' also. I've found a lot of candidates over the years, but nothing that definitively explains why I like to do what I do. As Karen says, it wouldn't matter, but therapy can still be a worthwhile thing, if you get the right person.

[Tima]

Has anyone ever thought about or actually gone to therapy related to your cd'ing? I was toying with the idea. I don't really want to stop, but I am thinking about going to better understanding of why I do it (curiousity more than anything), as well as to better accept my desires, especially for underdressing. It would be especially great if I could find someone who would work with me so that I could accept underdressing full time.

My parents, specifically my mother, want me to go to a therapist, but I don’t believe anything would come of it. From what I’ve read, I get the feeling many professional people don’t really understand the nature of crossdressing, or transgendered behavior in general. I think I could educate the therapist on a few things, but how do you sit down and talk to someone who feels you have a problem? Why is correction necessary? I don’t think I have a problem, and being here reinforces that opinion. Look around. There are many well-adjusted crossdressers of all ages who manage to carry on fairly normal lives. I feel I can do the same, if they give me half a chance to prove it. I don’t expect things to be easy, but I think I can handle it. I don’t need anyone messing with my head! I dress because I like to, and I don’t want to stop.
:straightface:

[Amanda22]

Well, I didn't walk into my therapist's office with a wad of money to have her tell me what I wanted to hear! I've heard several things in therapy that I didn't want to hear, but thankfully I recognized that it was helpful for me to grow. It is hurtful to read a comment like the one above saying that one goes to a therapist to hear what they want to hear. Several years ago, I was on the doorstep of suicide, loaded .38 in hand. As a last resort I visited a therapist. I credit that person with helping save my life.

A good therapist's goal is to help you as quickly as possible so that you don't need them anymore. I'm positive there are bad ones out there, as there are bad auto mechanics or any other profession. Negative statements about any group of people such as therapists is another example of the very thing we as crossdressers have to endure by those that don't like/understand us.

Therapy isn't for everyone. I go to one currently and have found it immensely helpful. My purpose is not to "get cured" or to explain "why" I crossdress. Most people see therapists in order to develop a better understanding of themselves and to develop "tools" to deal with situations that act as triggers to their own negative behavior. It is like having a coach to teach you how to deal with things. I don't think anyone here is saying that therapy is for everyone. Perhaps I'm the only person in history that has been genuinely helped by therapy.

[suzy1]

Actually not looking at it the wrong way... Not looking at it at all!! Lol.

Therapist are like consultants... You pay them to tell you what you want to hear and if they don't. You go find a new one that will!!

Karren, your such a sceptic, such a realist, such a normal well balanced person living in the real world.
Nice to know I’m not the only one.

SUZY

[Jill]

I am a young, budding Masters level therapist. I love my work and I love my field, I'm extremely passionate about it. We therapists have a tough go sometimes, a lot of people went to bad therapists, had a bad experience and then lump as all together as useless money grubbers. In the therapy world there seems to be a general disconnect between being personally healthy and helping others become healthy, especially amongst the unhealthy therapists. They honestly have NO idea that if they really want to help people better their lives, they need to fix their own. I know therapists that are unstable who have lives that are total messes and yet they expect to help others fix their lives. If you had a mechanic that couldn't fix their own car, would you pay them to fix yours? If you pick a good therapist then you may be surprised, they may be able to give you some perspective and help you come to grips with some things.

[sandra-leigh]

Therapist are like consultants... You pay them to tell you what you want to hear and if they don't. You go find a new one that will!!

My wife and I went to a couples therapist last year, with my CD'ing being one of the issues. By the second session, the therapist was saying that the CD'ing was quite low priority, and the therapist instead pointed pretty bluntly to a fundamental issue between my wife and I, something that neither my wife nor I were pleased to hear but which had to be dealt with before anything else.

I've been a consultant, and I've told the people who contracted me things they didn't want to hear: it would have been professionally negligent of me to tell them that everything was going to be all right when it obviously was not going to be.


From what I’ve read, I get the feeling many professional people don’t really understand the nature of crossdressing, or transgendered behavior in general. I think I could educate the therapist on a few things, but how do you sit down and talk to someone who feels you have a problem?

My individual therapist might not viscerally understand the nature of cross-dressing or of transgendered behavior, but she has never considered it to be a "problem" in itself. What I want to do about it, how I deal with my relationship taking it in to account, how I deal with the public taking it in to account: those are things we talk about. Never once has she suggested that the cross-dressing itself was a problem. But if, for example, I withdraw into cross-dressing and distance myself from my wife in so doing -- that's a problem.


There are many well-adjusted crossdressers of all ages who manage to carry on fairly normal lives. I feel I can do the same, if they give me half a chance to prove it.

Tima, the implication of that statement is you consider cross-dressing something that someone has to give you permission to do. Therapy is good for helping you give yourself permission to be what you want to be, and for learning how to assertively but non-aggressively deal with people who try to stop you. A therapist doesn't have to "understand" cross-dressing to do this: they often deal with people who want to live differently than they have been living.

[Island Kathy]

I have been seeing a therapist for at least a year. My wife and I started seeing her together in an effort to help us work through the crossdressing issue as it relates to our marriage. Turns out for the best as my wife now knows and has accepted that I need to crossdress because that is just the way I'm "wired" and I simply cannot quit, regardless of the consequences. She has made room in our lives for me to have time to dress and provides me a place to keep my things. She refuses to participate or allow me to dress in her presence, however, she knows that I usually underdress and accepts the fact that I prefer ladies undies to the guy stuff. I brought home some new boxer shorts the other day and she asked why. I told her I was down to two pair in my drawer. She snickered and said "Geez, why bother to buy new ones, you don't wear the old ones".

Anyway, long story short, we have found counseling very helpful - me with just accepting who I am and learning how to live with it in my relationship with my wife and she has learned more about the act of crossdressing and how it fits into her life. She now knows that it really has nothing to do with her, she cannot control it or expect me to stop. Compromise has been the best gift the counselor has given us.

As far as confidentiality goes, you needn't worry. Our counselor actually works for the city where I worked for 30 years and provides services for all the officers and family members of the police department, active and retired. It is a wonderful service provided free of charge by the city. Both of my adult daughters see her to help understand their marriage issues and also to help with handling the stresses of being cops, being married to cops and all the things that go on with being cop, wife, and mother. They do not know about "Kathy" and likely never will.

Go to counseling for no other reason than to learn to accept yourself for who you are. It will allow you to move forward in your life without being dragged down by the weight of guilt, shame and anger.

Good luck.

Kathy

[Tomara]

Hi Vanphair
To answer your question , yes I have gone and still go to a therapist.
I decided to find a therapist after my divorce a few years ago (non cross-dressing related) to help me to not make the same mistakes in my relationships as I had in the past , we developed a very good working relationship over time and I learned where and why I made the mistakes I made , through this process I learned that she worked with and specialized in gender related issues with other clients which led me to talk to her about my cross-dressing. I wasn't looking for a cure but more of a better understanding of myself and how to accept my cross-dressing as a positive part of who I am.

The work that we did together has been very helpful to me and I now accept my cross-dressing as a part of who I am as a person.

I would highly recommend therapy to anyone who would like to better understand themselves and grow as a person with the caution that you have to be willing to want to help yourself , a therapist isn't a cure all they are there to help guide you.

My therapist is a psychotherapist with a M.S.W.

I hope that this helps you and best of luck to you if you decide to pursue therapy.

Tomara

[Ali McKenzie]

The only therapy I need girl is a new lipstick and more shoes!

[Chloe Renee]

I have been going to therapy at the local LGBT center for about the last two months. Thus far I feel it has helped me, I am more comfortable in my own skin, which has been a problem for a long time. I am finding the confidence to come out to people that I was hiding from. And am excepting my TS nature which has been holding me back. This therapist does not give the hrt letter, but that is not as important now as when I started. Now I am working on getting myself feeling right, then fix any relationship problems amongst my family and friends.
Last week, I brought my wife with me to my session, it became a couples session on the spot and now we have an appointment tonight for couples therapy since we feel it can't hurt only help the big picture situation.
Additionally, my wife is seeking a therapist at the same place to give her a equal outlet, plus allow the couple counselor to compare notes.

All this above being said I came from a upbringing that therapist are a waste of time. But I feel that is only true if you don 't feel you need help. Before I got help I was getting suicidal, again. I knew one of these times I would not be able to pull myself out of funk. I called a hotline and was given a couple referrals, and from that alone I felt some relief, after my first session I could tell I made the right decison.

[Amanda22]

I came from a upbringing that therapist are a waste of time. But I feel that is only true if you don 't feel you need help.

Chloe, I think you've identified why some people see therapists as charlatans, and others see their value. I think it's just a lack of knowledge and a prejudice. It'd be nice if people would simply say that therapists are not for them personally, as opposed to disparaging the entire group. Bashing of any group is wrong, IMHO. As crossdressers/LGBT, we are the target of group ridicule and that's why I'm sensitive to that sort of thinking. I wish you and your wife the very best success individually and together. Hang in there; it will all get better.

[Tina P Hose]

About 23 years ago, I went to a therapist, and she did help me overcome my self doubt. I loved therapy with her, I was very open with her about my self doubts. She was young and very pretty, and wore a dress and pantyhose with every session that I saw her. My CDing did not come up durring the sessions, But I sure loved the way that she looked. After I got my feet on the ground, and started working again. I wrote her a letter and asked her out. She in a nice way, said that she could not see me in a social way, and suggested that I see another therapist. I did not see another therapist. I just remember how pretty she looked, and how, she hung her shoes on her toes. Sometimes the shoes would slip off, and I would see her pretty feet in pantyhose. After 23 years, I still think about her, MY GOD, I need therapy !!!!

[MichelleL]

I started going to a therapist (again) last year. The reason for returning to therapy was primarily depression and I'm doing better now. But therapy is never (at least for me) about any one thing. Who I am is not a cross dresser. Who I am is not a married man. Who I am is not what I do for a living. Who I am IS all of those and a lot more. Therapy provides an objective, outside view of the issues I struggle with and allows me to focus on the areas I need to work on. In the course of therapy, cross dressing is one issue.

If you do go into therapy, keep in mind that the therapist that is right for one person is not necessarily the right therapist for another person. I don't know how many therapists I have been to over the years (starting at age 6) but I have found that I do better with a female therapist than I do with a male therapist (not a big surprise there). You do need to "interview" your prospective therapist. You need to have a rapport with them and feel trusting and open. If that isn't there, go to a different one.

The therapist I have currently is probably the best one I have ever had and she is helping me tremendously. At this point, I am down to seeing her once a month. I could probably quit going to her and be OK but knowing that I am going to see her forces me to continue looking at and working on the issues we have identified. I get lazy and quit working on me and having her there helps to keep me focused.

I hope my comments help you make the right decision for you.

[Christy_M]

I am going to therapy for the second time (sorry, second period) in my life. The first therapist was not knowledgeable about anything transgendered. When I sought my current therapist, I told her I wanted to interview her about a few things before I signed up. I asked specifically about her methods, beliefs and experience in general and is it relates to LBGT issues. After the interview, she told me that noone has ever done that and she felt that my questions really made an impact to how she views me in the sessions. She has been a great help to getting information out of me that I have buried or repressed for so many years. She told me in the beginning that there isn't anything she can do to "fix" me or make me stop dressing. She also stated that there is no way anyone can tell me why I dress. It is different for everyone and the genetics and life experiences that make up ones persona can never be compartmentalized into generalities on why.

I am not trying to promote my therapist (although my therapist can kick your therapist's butt) but I do think that if you are looking for insight into your own feelings and perspectives, maybe therapy is the right way to go. Of course, sitting down with a good friend that you can open up to is also a way to help you understand yourself if you can be completely honest with your friend and accept their feedback and do your own self reflection...

I'm just saying is all...

[eluuzion]

I have considered it a few times, but after weighing the benefits between all of the options for blowing $100+ an hour...
I always ended up online, placing another order at Frederick's...lol.

Finding a good therapist is not an easy task. Lots of "titles" and acronyms floating around out there...here is a good explanation of all of the players...

http://www.4therapy.com/consumer/about_therapy/item.php?uniqueid=4936&categoryid=402

[Sarasometimes]

I now go toa MSW, Masters in Social Work counsellor. I get a lot out of my sessions and go for the same reason you are considering it. In NJ it took my many tries and much money until I found a therapist who really new our subject. Unfortunately I was training all those others and still paying them. From the get go, put it out there that you want someone who has training in a broad spectrum of gender issues. Mine is in a group that does LGBT, fetish and "mainstream" therapy. I didn't know what i was missing until i found a knowledgeble person. Now, although I am just needed to start with another therapist (last one became a mommy), I get so much insight and learn ways of balancing being closeted and meeting sara's needs and wants with meeting the needs of my male epo as well. A good therapist will guide you to self discovery! If after 2 to 3 sessions you have gotten virtually nothing, it may be time to move on. Good Luck, i must say it was worth the effort for me, YMMV.

[ICU Nurse]

I recently started therapy, but like many others on this thread, it was for issues other than my CD'ing. I too chose to find a female therapist with a PhD. That's just who I felt I would be most comfortable with.

When I was choosing a therapist I called a few and had a 5 or 10 minute conversation asking them about their practices, areas of specialty, and if they felt comfortable working with me. I also thought about whether or not I felt comfortable with them. Ande like others I was up front about the CD'ing; I'd like some insight but am not looking for a cure. I'm also fortunate that although I was closted (still am expect for my wife), I don't really feel any guilt or shame about dressing.

Anyway, after a few calls I picked someone and have seen her a couple of times. Not much going on now, pretty much just getting to know me, talking about the stuff I wanted to talk about. We haven't addressed the CD issue yet, but I imagine we'll get around to it.

As far as what I get out of it, I suspect it's like a lot of things- you get what you put in. I go there, spill my guts and am honest and try to be thoughtful and listen to her thoughts. We'll see how it goes.

Good luck.