darling dead
09-22-2010, 07:33 PM
I dont even know where to start, I came out to my girlfriend last night, we WERE planning on moving to Portland together (now not so much haha), I am really lucky that she was supportive. I have always been feminine by nature and have never been able to feel a lot of the more brutish feelings I see all my straight guy friends have. When I say I came out, Not only did I tell her I was gay but more so that I had gender identification problems, and that I have had them my whole life.
I had it really rough growing up, a lot of neglect, outside sexual abuse and no father figures. I always turned inward and focused on writing music on the piano, that was my escape. but I was so downtrodden with grief that I rarely felt comfortable enough to play for people, I used to be a lot more androgynous when I was in my teens, from 15 - 18 I cross dressed full time, everywhere I went I was a succubus out looking for mischief with my other magic induced friends (i dont know what else to call it and THANK god For Marilyn Manson and Prick for the life line.) My father was a homeless Vietnam vet that had became insane with grief and drug use. He died of AIDS when I was 18, at which time I stopped cross dressing and went to androgyny, I was so mad at him then that I refused to see him on his death bed, Its the worst regret of my life, and since then I never look away from things I find unpleasant and because of that I found that I have a deeper understanding of humanity than most because people are far to afraid to connect with each in todays society.
I see people hold their talents to the flame because of Inhibition and insecurities that societal prohibition has Thrust into the hearts and minds of hopeless masses... anyways, I haven't been able to write music for years and thats because for years I have been living in a state of denial. as soon as I made the decision that I was going to come out and be myself the fog was lifted and I was singing and playing like I have never done before. I have been on a music playing binge lately and that 5-8 hours of playing a day this last week was the last key I needed to unlock myself from myself.
The sleeper must awaken at some point right? well, its about time :)
as I have been coming to terms with sexuality over the last few months I have changed everything In my life, I eat Vegan, no chemicals, quit smoking (cigarettes) and I rarely drink, I mention that because after 2 months of not smoking and 8 months of eating right my voice has been finally coming back to me and I can hear the femininity and androgyny in my voice again and it is so comforting to have what I thought was forever lost.
Today I woke up and spent the day trying to finally get rid of a lot of the tings that I HATE HATE HATE on me, namely body hair, Everyone tells me I have no body hair compared to other guys but even still, It took hours to shave and epilate everything, I'm sitting here putting lotion on my legs and still find small patches, so much work to do, I don't have any idea how I am going to get electrolysis or hormones at this time, but I guess it will come in time, so heres a question, do the hormones change a persons voice or is that vocal training? if they do Ill have to do without them. So much to do, so much life to live. Its a whole new life and its going to be fantastic if I have anything to say about it... even If I'm completely miserable the whole time :)
Its so hard to explain this feeling like shes been here in my head with me the whole time, It might have started as an imaginary friend but this persona is who I have always wanted to be if only my broken heart hadn't gotten in the way for so long.
I have this dream of moving to Portland and finding someone like me to help me to grow and flourish with my Identity and someone that acts as a Muse. Someone with an acting or music or art background that will encourage me to truly be myself, within and without.
I cant wait to get out of Hollywood, home of plastic minds.
No picture yet, Im getting there. My stats 6'0" 147 lots of tattoos, Hazel (usually green) eyes, green hair long feminine fingers (I like my hands what can I say) :devil:
My Birth name is Aaron, a lovely bisexual name at birth, I thought I may just switch my name to Erin, not sure yet. And yes my mother has said over and over again how much she wanted a girl I might revel in the irony a bit when I tell her, so add that to the list of dark comedy that is my life.
I had it really rough growing up, a lot of neglect, outside sexual abuse and no father figures. I always turned inward and focused on writing music on the piano, that was my escape. but I was so downtrodden with grief that I rarely felt comfortable enough to play for people, I used to be a lot more androgynous when I was in my teens, from 15 - 18 I cross dressed full time, everywhere I went I was a succubus out looking for mischief with my other magic induced friends (i dont know what else to call it and THANK god For Marilyn Manson and Prick for the life line.) My father was a homeless Vietnam vet that had became insane with grief and drug use. He died of AIDS when I was 18, at which time I stopped cross dressing and went to androgyny, I was so mad at him then that I refused to see him on his death bed, Its the worst regret of my life, and since then I never look away from things I find unpleasant and because of that I found that I have a deeper understanding of humanity than most because people are far to afraid to connect with each in todays society.
I see people hold their talents to the flame because of Inhibition and insecurities that societal prohibition has Thrust into the hearts and minds of hopeless masses... anyways, I haven't been able to write music for years and thats because for years I have been living in a state of denial. as soon as I made the decision that I was going to come out and be myself the fog was lifted and I was singing and playing like I have never done before. I have been on a music playing binge lately and that 5-8 hours of playing a day this last week was the last key I needed to unlock myself from myself.
The sleeper must awaken at some point right? well, its about time :)
as I have been coming to terms with sexuality over the last few months I have changed everything In my life, I eat Vegan, no chemicals, quit smoking (cigarettes) and I rarely drink, I mention that because after 2 months of not smoking and 8 months of eating right my voice has been finally coming back to me and I can hear the femininity and androgyny in my voice again and it is so comforting to have what I thought was forever lost.
Today I woke up and spent the day trying to finally get rid of a lot of the tings that I HATE HATE HATE on me, namely body hair, Everyone tells me I have no body hair compared to other guys but even still, It took hours to shave and epilate everything, I'm sitting here putting lotion on my legs and still find small patches, so much work to do, I don't have any idea how I am going to get electrolysis or hormones at this time, but I guess it will come in time, so heres a question, do the hormones change a persons voice or is that vocal training? if they do Ill have to do without them. So much to do, so much life to live. Its a whole new life and its going to be fantastic if I have anything to say about it... even If I'm completely miserable the whole time :)
Its so hard to explain this feeling like shes been here in my head with me the whole time, It might have started as an imaginary friend but this persona is who I have always wanted to be if only my broken heart hadn't gotten in the way for so long.
I have this dream of moving to Portland and finding someone like me to help me to grow and flourish with my Identity and someone that acts as a Muse. Someone with an acting or music or art background that will encourage me to truly be myself, within and without.
I cant wait to get out of Hollywood, home of plastic minds.
No picture yet, Im getting there. My stats 6'0" 147 lots of tattoos, Hazel (usually green) eyes, green hair long feminine fingers (I like my hands what can I say) :devil:
My Birth name is Aaron, a lovely bisexual name at birth, I thought I may just switch my name to Erin, not sure yet. And yes my mother has said over and over again how much she wanted a girl I might revel in the irony a bit when I tell her, so add that to the list of dark comedy that is my life.