Closet Retro-sexual?

[Josie M]

I'm not really a "self-help" book kinda person but ran across one that really hit home. Talked about people like myself with fathers who were less than ideal male role models who grew up in the hyper-feminist 60's and 70's. Not to start whining or anything, but I had an alcoholic father who was prone to fits of rage while the dominate female voices of the time were saying things like "all men are rapist", "men are pigs", etc.

The book went into detail about guys who were a product of that environment and it was a pretty accurate description of me. Close enough to make me realize that I need to accept the fact that the Y-Chromosome is not a birth-defect. I have to learn to embrace what is good about being male.

So what does this mean for Josie? Hard to say. It would be very easy for me to say that Josie is nothing more than a product of all of this. Truth is, however, I have had a desire to express a feminine side of myself for as long as I can remember. Far enough back that it's hard to honestly call it a symptom and more likely that it's a "complicating factor".

So I got to run this through. Simply put, I'm a crossdresser who must learn to accept his masculine side. If Josie dies as a result, I will miss her terribly (I barely have time for her as it is), but so be it. I kinda suspect, though, that what is waiting for me at the end of this path is learning to accept both aspects of my psyche.

At least I hope so.

[Sophie86]

I grew up in the same period, also with an abusive, alcoholic father. I'm sure that the latter has something to do with my gender issues. I think feminism helped me, though, because it said that men didn't have to be macho idiots. I took that to heart, and worked at being a better kind of man; but still a man.

Sophie was always more of a dream... a fantasy girl who lived in the depths of my psyche but could only manifest herself in private. I struggled with understanding what her existence implied about my masculinity, and trying to believe in myself as a man in spite of her. There was a time when I thought that she was the truth about me, and that what I showed to the world was a facade. Then there was a time when I thought that my masculinity was the truth, and that she was just an insignificant abberation. Now I believe that both are truly part of me, and both have a right to exist and find expression.

Which leads me to say that I encourage you to find that acceptance for your masculine side. I don't think anyone, male or female, can be a complete person without a certain amount of gender duality. Good luck!! :)

[Lucy_Bella]

Ditto on the generation and Stepfather , I was very young when my Stepfather came into the picture..I must say in my later teens and into adult hoodI have grown to love him very much and miss him daily.. At one time I blamed him for my dressing desires because as a child I was forced to dress by him. I have later recalled why I was forced, it was because while he was at work I would wear my sisters clothes and naturally think nothing wrong with it until my mom seen me ..She sure as hell didn't like it.
My stepfather was the one who handed down the punishment so thats what I got.. He raised me to be a real man things like boys don't cry you lil sissy or get away from you mom you lil mommas boy, go put on a dress.. I sometimes wonder if I find dressing as a comfort more than an issue after all those days were very scaring to be able to remember some of it at such a young age it had to have been..

I wish I had the strength to stop dressing and embrassing my femme side..I go through spells but never seem to get past her..I know I do it all to myself and no one is around to force me into it anymore..Good and I hope you succeed ..

[Christy_M]

Ditto on the generation but not the father issues...similar upbringing with most family members (male and female) setting the societal expectations that "boys don't cry" "don't be a sissy" and "suck it up" or "you're ok just get over it...now."

Are these contributing factors to dressing at an early age or are these excuses to dress at my current age? Did I use dressing as an escape mechanism? What am I escaping from now?

I was never caught until my sister found my clothes stash when I was fifteen so I never got verbal abuse as a child for this part of my life. All of the negativity I probably project on myself based on what I have heard or been led to believe about what a "man" is supposed to do, be, act like, present, etc.

I totally believe that self acceptance is the key to being happy but I just haven't reached that plateau yet. I hope you are able to get there and I will certainly look at this book for answers. I must be skimming too much in male mode and not seeing the title right in front of me...can you repost the title for me?

[docrobbysherry]

Please DON'T under estimate, Josie! Thinking u can dump her like a bad date, COULD be a big mistake!?

[Tara1967]

I grew up hard as they come myself. My father beat me everyday along with my brothers, but he never touched my sister. Not only were we beat daily, but it took nearly nothing to set him off in an indian temper. When he's come home from work, mama would tell him how we have driven her crazy, then he's beat our tails. The 5 of us slept in one bed for years, and if we made one little noise, he would come in there and a devilish rampage and beat us without end. My mom would jump on his back and said, "stop it Robert, you're killing them" He would throw her to the floor and turn the belt on her. He didn't fold the belt like mama would, he held it by the buckle and slung it wildly ,caring not who or where it landed, until he was exhausted himself. My teachers at school would call my my mom and have her come and explain these huge wheps on me. She would just say oh he was bad and his dad had to whip him. There were tree limb beatings, but the worst I will never forget, was the frayed extention cords he jerked from the wall, and beat us with murder in his eyes, while the blood poured from all over my little body as all my siblings, screamed in horrific fear for they knew they were next, in spite of mom's pleas for him to stop,(except for sister). During school years I would just stay in bed hoping to do no wrong, but he would come in and beat us for staying in bed too long. He'd come home from work and listen to mama for a while and then he's say, kill 'em, they're worthless, they'll never amount to anything ,daily. I hated him more than anything. He finally beat me in my face with his fists when I was 19 and threw me out of the house where I lived on the streets alone and scared, for I was so naive to the dangers back in the early 70's. I slept under bridges, fire escapes downtown, Chased by minority street gangs down dark alleys and into woods, slept in rain filled mud holes while the thunder storms pounced down without mercy. 130lbs when I left, then 110lbs when I walked, then crawled down my home street, longing for the only home I ever knew, tho it was pure hell. Brothers picked me up and took me in where I slept for 5 days straight while my mom nursed me back to a decent health. I could go on and on but I think my point is made. I rememeber wrapping a towel around me and I felt a fiminine side tho I knew nothing of sexuality at 6 yrs old. I would hide for hours under the house and would pray to my God for help for what little I knew of Him. And somewhere along the line, I found my inner side, Tara, for I could move over to her and find comfort and a friend. Sometimes, we could even have 2 way conversations. Through my 20's 30's, 40's and 50's, I would come home from work and see so many things out of place. Bowls in the fridge that I did not put there, that I had never seen before, and I knew I lived alone. My children are grown and gone, they love and respect me, I never whipped or beat them. They are both doing great. Son's in the Army and a great family, etc. I don't use my childhood as a reason to hurt other people or do crime etc. Never done drugs of any kind. Nice home with mountain view. I'm a healthy 165lbs slim and trim. But Tara was always with me. I used to be ashamed of her for years. But now I embrace Tara for getting me through. Sometimes I can't remember being her.But cd's are not so simple and they are as varied as sands on the beach. No 2 are alike. And to the op here,, your fem side is your best friend. Stop fighting it, accept it and embrace it, for you cannot change it. Then you will find peice......(love & respect) Tara

[Olivia2]

I have to learn to embrace what is good about being male.

I have made it a big part of my life's journey to learn to do this. I joined a men's support group many years ago where men spiritually, emotionally, and physically nurtured one another (such as with holding or stroking hair the way women often do with each other) The whole purpose of that group was to celebrate the sacredness of being male. Interestingly, those men were the first people, outside of a therapist, that I shared with about my CD'ing and they accepted it without judgment. It was also around that time that I went fof the longest period of my life without needing to dress-10 years.

I have also found men who demonstrate the goodness of being male in other places, such as 12 steps groups and churches as well. I do try to integrate my masculine and feminine side as much as possible and part of that journey was allowing my feminine side to express itself in male mode and activities. Where the two sides intersect is not always a broad distinct line.

I try not to behave or buy in to the culturally passed down norms regarding what is socially accepted male behavior. I believe I know about the book you speak of. You might look into books by William Pollack and read some of the books and articles he references in his bibliography as well. Good luck.

[erickka]

I guess it describes my situation / era also. My father was a player, and paid little or no attention to mom, sis, or myself. That being said, I mostly had to be dragged along with mom, and had my fill of estrogen overload. It may or may not have a deep seeded root as to my being who I am today, but I fully accept the fact that I am who I am, and blame no one for it. I just plan to live my life being good to others, and try to enjoy my time here on mother earth.

[Sophie86]

I grew up hard as they come myself.

Yeah, that was definitely a lower rung of hell than I experienced. I'm very sorry that you had to go through all that. :sad:

What's crazy is that as bad as my dad made my childhood, I know that his was even worse. He had so many demons driving him. A few years ago, he was having to take prednisone, which really screws with your emotions. He got to talking about how badly his dad had treated him, and broke down and cried. It was very revealing. Men who are made to feel ashamed of any sign of softness or weakness in themselves are also threatened by seeing those traits in their sons.

[MichelleL]

I have tried to identify why I am the way I am and have come up with no answers. I had a loving mother and father who remained together until he passed away 14 years ago. I cannot identify anything in my childhood that could be considered unusual or abusive.

So - I have come up with my own theory which I definitely have no way of proving. My mother thought I was going to be a girl. My theory is that because she really believed that I was a girl before I was born, that her body chemistry changed appropriately for a female fetus. I think that her brain caused me to be who and how I am. Is it true? I dunno. Never will know. I yam what I yam and I'm just trying to live my life as well as I can and be as happy as I can.

[Debb]

...

So I got to run this through. Simply put, I'm a crossdresser who must learn to accept his masculine side. If Josie dies as a result, I will miss her terribly (I barely have time for her as it is), but so be it. I kinda suspect, though, that what is waiting for me at the end of this path is learning to accept both aspects of my psyche.

At least I hope so.

Josie, my heart goes out to you. I completely hear you, although for me it's realizing that I'm a girl with a pretty strong male side (since I'm physically a male). Every time I look in a mirror, I'm reminded that I am not my own fantasy -- I am not the woman I imagine myself to be, and it hurts.

It is my hope that you can learn to accept what fate has given you, just as I hope that some day I will be able to accept all "facets" of myself.

[Karren H]

As long as you don't go burning bras!! That would be like sacreligious!!