Still letting fear win

[StaceyJane]

My heart is really telling me that I should start to transition. I discussed this with my therapist and she said she would completely support me.

But fear of coming out to my job and the rest of my family is holding me back. My wife and daughters know about Stacey,maybe not my real desire to transition but they do at least know enough for now.

Fear is holding me back.

I'm a private keep to myself kind of person and I just can't imagine coming out.

But I know and have always know becoming a woman is right for me.

[Rianna Humble]

I can understand your fear about losing your job. Have you started looking into what your company's policy on transition and/or gender discrimination says?

If your immediate family know about Stacey, do you think you should start a discussion with them about what it might mean for them if you transition? Once you have their support, the rest of the family will be easier.

You can't let your life be ruled by fear, although a certain degree of caution is definitely a good thing. I really hope it all works out for you. :bighug:

[Steph.TS]

I totally understand where you are coming from I too am afraid to come out to my family, and don't want to out myself at work, I so wish I could get rich, win a lottery, come up with some amazing idea that people love and I make alot of money, then I can buy my own house, and transition off the job, and live as a woman doing errands etc...

but I know that's probably not going to happen, so I need to do some serious soul searching, and start saving ALOT of money to do this, and yes I also need to find a therapist... From someone who is also beaten by fear, all I can say is good luck, hope everything works out for you :)

[Andi]

Stacey,

For those of us with a SO and children, is it fear that holds us back or is it a sense of owning a responsibility we willingly entered into? I knew who I was at age 6? or so and certainly at age 22, yet I willingly married, had children and now have grandchildren. Transitioning for me would hurt everyone and destroy all I've created. I would surely miss my family. Am I sounding too "noble" in choosing to not transition even tho it's the constant thing that's on my mind? Maybe so, but I shouldn't have made a family if I was going to transition should I? Like Jen, it's not gonna happen for me either. I send all the girls in this situation my love and hope you (we) all find peace of heart and mind.

[Steph.TS]

Stacey,

For those of us with a SO and children, is it fear that holds us back or is it a sense of owning a responsibility we willingly entered into? I knew who I was at age 6? or so and certainly at age 22, yet I willingly married, had children and now have grandchildren. Transitioning for me would hurt everyone and destroy all I've created. I would surely miss my family. Am I sounding too "noble" in choosing to not transition even tho it's the constant thing that's on my mind? Maybe so, but I shouldn't have made a family if I was going to transition should I? Like Jen, it's not gonna happen for me either. I send all the girls in this situation my love and hope you (we) all find peace of heart and mind.

I just want to be be clear,it might happen, but I need to work up to it, I really want to transition, and in time I might find myself able to endure I've gone my life without getting married, and as this issue is so important to me, I doubt I will. I'm looking for a therapist, I'm hoping that I'll be put on the right path after going on therapy. I know that this is VERY hard, and I'm afraid of alot surrounding it, I have to work through it and one day hopefully I'll become the woman I want to be.

[Asako]

Stacey, it took me 4 years to come out to both of my parents and my oldest sister. Each time, I was so afraid that I was trembling and had trouble getting the words out at first. I kept having to stop for a moment to take a deep breath to settle my nerves a little. It isn't easy to tell someone when you see them every day and love them dearly. I don't have my own family but I can still definitely relate to your feelings.

[Nicki S]

Stacy, I am in the same boat as you. My therapist sees that I am ready to start the transition. Most of the people in my everyday life know about me. That was not too bad telling them. I still have not told my father yet. My sister and I are unsure of his reaction.
My toughest issue right now is coming out to work. I am having debates in my head on how to do it and trying to think of the co-workers responses. Once I get over this hurdle of coming out to work, then I believe it will be smooth sailing.

[Faith_G]

I think you have to be at the point where you are ready to lose everything when you transition.

Funny thing is, once I emotionally released all that stuff and wasn't doing stupid desperate things to try keep it, most of it stuck with me anyway. :)

[Diane Elizabeth]

It is more important that you come out on YOUR terms. When YOU are ready. I so much want to come out, but I know I am not at that point of being ready to do it. So I am doing the small things like electrolysis and starting HRT to help me get ready mentally for comming out.

[Hope]

Fear is holding me back.

I'm a private keep to myself kind of person and I just can't imagine coming out.

There is a certain joy and relief and freedom that comes with coming out that has to be experienced to be believed. Sure, it is frightening (at first), and there is always the real possibility of a bad result... but the long term experience is indescribable. I am not even out to everyone in my world, but I find that the more people I tell, the better I feel, and when I have to interact with those who don't know, I feel like I am back in a dark little room without light or hope. The closet is awful, and you honestly don't realize just how awful it is until you come out of it.

That being said, transition may or may not be for you - only you can decide that... but don't live your life in fear... Don't let fear be the the thing that holds you back, that is a serious bummer.

There will never be a perfect time to transition... In fact, IF transition is right for you, there will never be a more perfect time to start than right now. Don't give any more years than you already have to the testosterone monster, you can never get them back. IF transition is right for you - GO GET IT. Live.



For those of us with a SO and children, is it fear that holds us back or is it a sense of owning a responsibility we willingly entered into? I knew who I was at age 6? or so and certainly at age 22, yet I willingly married, had children and now have grandchildren. Transitioning for me would hurt everyone and destroy all I've created. I would surely miss my family. Am I sounding too "noble" in choosing to not transition even tho it's the constant thing that's on my mind? Maybe so, but I shouldn't have made a family if I was going to transition should I? Like Jen, it's not gonna happen for me either. I send all the girls in this situation my love and hope you (we) all find peace of heart and mind.

That doesn't sound nobel, it sounds like an odorous excuse.

I am not suggesting that you transition, or that you not transition - that is not for me to say. I am not even suggesting that transition is any more difficult, or any easier than choosing to live with your non-transitioned self. Both require a LOT of bravery and fortitude.

But to pass off a decision not to transition because you have a family sounds like a strait up cop-out. Every girl here has a family, and suggesting that suffering in silence is somehow more nobel implies that those who have chosen to transition are somehow selfish, or at the very least ignoble. You cannot talk about my sisters like that.

The truth is that families do not implode over this. No one has ever died because someone came out to them - even a spouse. Families do implode over other things, usually a lot of little things that get left unaddressed for decades, and this can be an excuse, this can be the "straw that breaks the camels back" but people with good families transition all the time with the full support of their families. That is what good families, and good friends do, they support one another through the difficult times. But blaming your family, or using your family as the excuse to not transition will just bread resentment towards them. Don't do that. I bet the deserve better than that.

And don't hide behind that old trope of "well I shouldn't have made a commitment if I wasn't going to keep it" either. No one ever said that transitioning ever implied breaking a commitment. Times change, people change, the commitment you made to your wife is to stand by one another, no matter what, in both the good times and in the bad times, in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer... You never committed yourself to being the person you were when you got married, for the rest of your life. For the love of all that is holy and good, if I were still the same person I was when I got married, I hope my wife would have the good sense to be pissed off about it, I hope my wife would expect me to grow and to mature and to nurture me to be the person I am, to live the life I have been given to the fullest. I expect that from her and would support her the same way she supports me. That is what marriage is. Not some sort of relationship vacuum storage machine that ensures that two people never grow or change beyond what they did on their wedding day. Unless you plan on divorcing your wife as a part of transition simply because you cannot be married and in transition at the same time (for whatever magical reason) - coming out and living as a full person WITH your wife is actually the way to keep your commitment to her.

And you don't owe your children anything more than a safe home, clean clothes, a full belly, a good well rounded education, and all of the love and acceptance you can muster. Nothing about transitioning prevents you from providing any of those things. If anything, being an honest, open, person who shares their deepest darkest secrets with others is providing a good example to them of how to be in the world. If anything, preventing them from knowing who you really are is preventing them from loving you completely.

No, I don't think that blaming your family for the decision to not even pursue transition is nobel. Unless you are out to your children and wife, and they have for whatever reason begged you not to transition, this isn't nobility, it is cowardice.

If you don't want to transition, that is fine and dandy, I will whole heartedly respect your decision and maybe even be a little bit envious of your ability to live your life without the need to transition, but I assume that your family is made up of really wonderful folks who would want nothing more than to love and support you through a difficult time in your life. And if your family isn't made up of really awesome people who want to love and support you in transition, well, then you deserve better. Either way, they are not to blame.

[Andi]

......That doesn't sound nobel, it sounds like an odorous excuse............

WOW - didn't see that coming. Consider me rebuffed.

[Jorja]

Take your time and make sure of your decision.

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Actually Andi, I have to say I think that the I got married and raised a family excuse is a good one, but it's still just and excuse...

i transitioned and i've met all the responsibilities to my family...my wife chose to leave the marriage, and i know its my situation that caused her to leave, but its not my responsibility to make that choice for her...i entered into my marriage with nothing but love and affection for my wife...i wanted to be with her forever, but it didnt work out that way...we broke up with honesty and dignity, and dare i say with love..we both love each other and want the best for each other...and this is how we decided it was best..

i provide for my family and there is nothing about my family life that betrays a lack of responsibility.

my kids are in high school and they are thriving..i'm teaching them that being true to yourself and living with integrity and courage is important. they are more understanding and tolerant now...my oldest has decided to help autistic children every weekend at a horse farm..i know this "help others" mentality came to her as she struggled with her dad's changes
my youngest has no problem telling her friends now and she has started to call me "she" and lives a pretty carefree teenage life...with a female dad...

this is a debate that is difficult to keep emotion out of...you get to make your choice and i get to make mine, and perhaps we all want to know that our choice is best..

So when someone says they are not transitioning BECAUSE of responsibilities to their family, then you are also saying that I shirked my responsibilities to my family..

Now folks may feel that way, and folks may feel i did shirk (shirk-what a strange word) my responsibilities, but i don't see it that way.
I fulfilled all my responsibilities and then some...and frankly as far as my kids go, they would not be on this earth except for me. and they will never have to suffer the thought that their dad lived an unhappy life because of them

[Steph.TS]

not to lay in too thick, but I'm not married, but I can't imagine transition anymore difficult than if I were, I have to tell my parents, both of which frown on this kinda of thing they were furious when I was crossdressing when I was about 13. then I have to tell my sister, I don't trust her, but since I live in the same house with all of them, and want a relationship, they all need to know.

Then I have to tell my friends, and co-workers, not like they won't notice I'm growing boobs, or wearing skirts to work, all of this requires great courage and strength of character.being married adds 1 more person to the mix (and maybe her family/friends), your wife, I can't see children rejecting their father because of this. I'm working myself up to do this, and I'm trying to find a therapist.

[Andi]

Stacey, I am sorry if my post sent your thread off track. I didn't mean for that to happen. :sad:

Next I apologize to Hope, Jen, Kaitlyn and anyone else who may have felt my post was critical of your thinking or actions about transitioning. That was NOT my intent, just my poor choice of words I guess. I fully understand the difficulty and challenge of making a decision to transition and I feel anyone in the process of deciding to or already living your new life is very, very courageous for doing so. I admire each of you very much for doing what I won't. You are much braver than I am, that's for sure. I wish all of you the very best in life, one full of happiness and lasting love from all of those who know you.