do you ever ?

[danielle.cd]

i know that there are many of us that wish we could have a female body, but for some of us transitioning isnt an option right now,

now i dont get a chance to dress like i want to cause i work third shift and get out tired and by the time i get up my kids are home, and when they go to bed im going to work, so my time to dress is while i sleep. until this year i had not even had any sleep ware to do this with.

well now its got me wondering about my whole life and am i really just a cross dresser or and i a transgender person who hasnt transitioned yet, why you may ask, well hears the deal: when im dressed i feel like a women in almost every way , although im not atracted to men even while dressed. since ive been sleeping while dressed i realized something , when i wake up the first thing that comes to my face is a smile, and the feelings of joy to be waking up and seeing my body feminized. now i know this probably sounds weird but i have been praying to make me into a girl since i was like six , i know in my heart if i did transition it would be the best thing i would ever do and i wouldnt regret the changing part but for the hurt it would cause my family and loss of friends who just wouldnt understand i dont know if i could ever deal with that

do any of u wake up with these feeling and if so how do u deal with have to get up and get all dressed as a man

some days its just easier to do the man thing cause iv done it my whole life but then there are days i feel like why cant i bring myself to just go and tell every one im going to go and transition so i can dress an be happy

[msniki48]

Danielle, you are not alone here either. I have been confined to house or sleep wear for about 6 to 8 months. I have a problem getting back to male mode in the morning also. even after i shower i place on my night gown until i have ironed my clothes and absolutely have to get changed or be late for my morning appts. although my reasons for not dressing more may be different, i too have days...[ like today] when i feel like just calling in sick or something so i can be me for a day,,, or better yet, just go in dressed and say this will be my future.... alas, once again , life gets in the way of actually living.:sad:

my heart goes out to you:daydreaming:

[Karren H]

Personally I'm happy to be me.. I've feminized what I can and can hide what I can't and don't wish to do much more than that.. Ok... Boobage is still a work in progress... Lol. And I've accepted that these are the cards I've been dealt... Wishing I could look like something I'm not or have a different body is a total waste of my time and self defeating... Time grows shorter and I don't have time to waste.... For me... it boils down to my happiness and well being is independant of the clothing I wear...

[KayleeDahl]

Yes, you are definitely not alone!

I think many of us feel this way. I've been slowly re-structuring my life so that I can be "more" me, with the fear that I will never completely realize this goal, mostly because of loved ones. I'm just working on finding the most comfort and happiness I can have without making others unhappy.

I am lucky that I do not have a wife, or kids, so I am a bit more free to be "me". but I still have to wake up, take off the nighty, and put on my drab clothes.

How do I do it? I under-dress, and wear the most femme things that can pass as guys clothes. It helps me stay connected to "me" without rocking the boat too much. Even running my hand down my shaved legs while in drab can have the same connecting effect.

Hugs
Kaylee

[Sara Jessica]

I'd say welcome to the middle path. It's not such a bad place to reside but it does take constant resolve to avoid feeling down in terms of frustration or downright depression.

Only you know what is in your heart. There's a huge difference between lamenting about not being able to "dress" versus not being able to simply "be". It does sound like your heart was speaking loudly when you were six.

All of us do things to get by, to cope. I think us middle-pathers find ourselves in a somewhat unique position in that the sanity we must maintain (speaking for myself, in the face of a very strong desire to transition) is critical for the well being of our place on the road we're on. We MUST maintain our responsibilities to family and career. Deviation from the path is not a practical option given the utter destruction that often follows such action.

Or in simpler words, picking up on one of your comments, there is such thing as transgender who does not necessarily transition. But be careful, one of your last comments does trouble me... "but then there are days i feel like why cant i bring myself to just go and tell every one im going to go and transition so i can dress and be happy." ...going full time and/or transitioning to simply dress would likely get very old fast given your life circumstances you describe. It would be a lot to risk just to dress. Be as certain as possible of what is in your heart.

[AKAMichelle]

I have had those feelings some lately. I hate going out male but I enjoy my Michelle so much. I wonder how far I will go but the family is one of those things that hold me back

[RachelZ]

I'm still deciding what kind of person I want to be in the future. I'm happy with my life now, but who knows how I will feel in ten years. So yes I will say I do think of myself as being a TG that hasn't transitioned yet

[Asako]

Hun, I really didn't want to get dressed for work today. Why? Because it meant nothing feminine. So, you're not alone. =)

[kimdl93]

I think many of us can relate. when our kids were at home, my dressing was limited to underdressing or wearing a nighty or slip to bed.

I don't consider transitioning an option, but my life cirucumstances do allow me to dress most of the time. But there's a lot of room between feeling feminine, dressing and transitioning. Before anyone ever embarks on that journey, a lot of indepth counseling is in order...just so you can be really sure about what you're feeling and fully cognizant of the consequences for yourself and those who are close to you.

[Loni]

yes i do not believe very many of my friends would understand loni, i am lucky as my mom understands and accepts, (only close family).
but yes i would rather go out as loni, but were i live small town it is a no go. but i under dress all the time and most of my "male" clothing if from the woman's dept, the jeans just fit better.
we all just do what we can, as for this month and next (oct) i am off work due to a surgery.(not gender related).so i have been loni almost 24 -7.
this time off for oct (layed up most of sept) i get to go out to events and see people, just having some fun.

it can be a hard time just try to make the best of it you can.

Loni

.

[StaceyJane]

I work thirds too but my kids have moved out. They know about Stacey anyway.

What helps for me is that I'm never completly in male mode. I always shave my legs and arms and I wear panties all the time.

[DeeDee1974]

I know exactly where you're coming from. I feel like I am getting closer to going full time everyday. My have has told me that if I do we probably could not remain married. So that is all that is holding me back.

My wife is traveling for work this week, so I have lived full time this week. I had my weekly therapy today and my therapist works out f her home. Usually I change clothes when I get there so nobody sees me. But today I left the and traveled on the train to her office as DeeDee. There is also about a half mile walk feo the train to her office. Not once did I feel like anyone thought that I was anything other than a woman. As I walked up to my therapists house she was outside watering plants, she saw me so a waved and walked up to her. She looked confused. Once I started talking, she said " I didn't realize it was you I thought it was a woman I didn't know and wondered why she was waving at me.

During our session she told me my transformation over the past 7 years has been amazing. I told her I really want to go full time. She supports it and said I need to be honest with my wife for both of our sanity.

I would hate to lose what we have, but if I went full time I most likely wouldn't want to be with a woman either.

[carhill2mn]

Your post covered a lot of subjects to which many (most?) of us can relate. Many of us have made decisions based upon not what we want but what would be best for our loved ones. There are many who have "transitioned" without having surgery and live full time as women. Many more of us (I suspect) live as women as much as possible but still maintain our male identity for family and friends. One needs to evaluate the costs vs. the benefits of decsions that will probably have long term effects for everyone involved. Some times things work out well and some times they do not.
These are not easy decisons to make. I wish you well as you struggle to make these decisions.

[Kathryn Martin]

I am also one of those who has to get up in the morning and get dressed as a guy. While I am pre-occupied during the day with my work it is this transition in the morning that I find most painful.

I also experience this sense of joy. When I am dressed I feel as if everything fits together and not dis-associated which is when I am in my suit and tie.

Kathryn

[Michelle James]

I too am not sure where this journey is going but the one thought that keeps going through my head is that i don't want to be on my death bed wishing I would have or could have. I'm 56 and who know how much time I have left. Do i want to spend it keeping others happy or myself happy. Who knows! i guess that's the question. One thing I do know if we live for our families when we die they sell our stuff and inevitably move on. If there is a heaven, I don't want to look down and think damn i could have done it. No one cares.

[Debb]

I used to have the same life -- working nights, only able to dress if I stayed up during the day, or sleeping. Waking up was a nightmare -- often, I hated the idea of getting up and having to be that guy again.

One day, all my co-workers were laid off, and I was the only one left working in my building, at night. I dressed all night (I'm a computer jockey) until I finally was also laid off. I loved it.

I have been gender dysphoric for quite some time. I will not transition, it's too late for me and I would have too much to lose, but a girl can dream, right?

[Karinsamatha]

It is almost painful to transition back to drab in the morning :sad:. I love when I get home at night so I can become Karin the woman I am inside :).
I do not know if my future is to transition, or be a part time woman. Only time will tell. What ever path I am compelled to take I am sure there will be both costs and benefits. :hugs:

[Sarah Doepner]

Personally I'm happy to be me.. I've feminized what I can and can hide what I can't and don't wish to do much more than that.. Ok... Boobage is still a work in progress... Lol. And I've accepted that these are the cards I've been dealt... Wishing I could look like something I'm not or have a different body is a total waste of my time and self defeating... Time grows shorter and I don't have time to waste.... For me... it boils down to my happiness and well being is independant of the clothing I wear...

I wish I could be more like Karren, but I still have the fantasy of making changes to what I start with when I have time to dress. I'll keep working on adopting Karren's philosophy until I win the lottery and can do something silly, just because I could afford it then.