I'd rather not be outed-musing on leaking...er, bleeding femme & doing stupid(?)stuff

[Sara Jessica]

A little back-story. In my tg existence along the middle path, I've created a circle around home, an artifical and apparently elastic barrier outside of which I've deemed it "safe" to go out in girl mode. The purpose of course is to lower the chances of running into someone I know and thus, being outed.

Now don't get me wrong, I like to think I'm prepared should this ever happen. The thought of something like this used to paralyze me in fear and paranoia where now, it's just "whatever, I can deal with it". Well that may be fine for me but in all honesty, it's more important to protect my wife and kids so they don't have to find themselves in uncomfortable situations. Gosh knows I'd really hate for that to happen.

I've run into people I know twice, one on the edge of my comfort zone and the other much further away. No recognition issues to report there. But let's see, what's happening within my comfort zone that could create issues? There's my fav boutique to start with along with the salon that I found to get my hair styled at. Both are a bit close for comfort but I do try to be as careful and observant as possible.

So part of the advantage of said boutique being close is that I can stop by to say hello and browse pretty much whenever. This morning was one of those times, having to run an errand in that nick of the woods. That was uneventful. However, I spied this salon, a little off the beaten path, totally non-descript...might be a perfect "safer" location to do the hair thing. I walk in and the place was buzzing with activity. On one hand it would be perfect, stations situated in various rooms rather than all on a massive floor set-up. On the other hand, it really was a busy place. I then perused some product which was advertised in the window, still deciding if I would approach them about helping a tg woman out. As I browsed, I spied a guy in one of the far rooms. Immediately I thought to myself that I better makes sure he's not the brother of one of my best friends growing up who happens to be a stylist.

It wasn't long before he turned...HOLY S#$*, IT'S HIM!!!

(now start humming "It's a Small World After All")

Not only that, in his chair is his mom!!! I have known these people for over 30 years although I haven't seen them in several years. After a greeting and a bit of small talk (including comments on my long hair), the inevitable WTF are you doing here came up (ok, not in those words but in my world, it pretty much could have been said that way). I replied as fast on my feet as I was able, that the sign about product drew me in. I said with my hair growing out, I thought I'd check out some higher-end product to get away from the grocery store/Target variety.

We spent the next half-hour or so catching up. I got my friend's out-of-state number to re-establish contact and made my way out of there, never having divulged my tg status to anyone, thank goodness.

Now of course, could these people prove to be allies of mine? Sure. I'd bet they'd be rather open-minded about the whole thing. It's just I'm not so ready to go there if I don't have to. I felt horrible concocting the story as I did but what else was I to do short of telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. On one hand I am grateful to have finally found these folks again, and to now be able to reconnect with my friend from afar but on the other hand, this is going to be a tough one to explain to my wife who already thinks I'm a bit too bold in my adventures and where I'm willing to go. "Hey honey, you'll never guess who I ran into....and where!"

Remember, she's from the school of "what would the neighbors think?"

A lesson for all who are out but perhaps not "out".

[AKAMichelle]

If you were dressed then you might never have been recognized, so there is that. For the most part though just have fun.

[AllieSF]

Good post Sara. I know exactly what you are saying and part of what you are feeling. I am single with grown kids, one living with me. They have seen my pierced ears, unaccepting, noticed the longer clear polished nails("Dad, cut your nails!"), and probably several other things that they have never mentioned .... yet!

I only go out in my safe zones away from home, but do shop in local thrifts stores and a few other stores locally, always in drab. I too have come to the point of, "I will deal with it when it happens". I have thought of asking when confronted, "How much do you want to know and how long do you have to hear it all?" It's sounds cool when I say it, but I am not totally sure if that is the way to go either. No one will be hurt if I come out or am discovered. For the present there definitely exists a "No Need to Know" situation. The few benefits to coming out for me are far outweighed by the negatives, of which I am almost fully aware. I am sure there is something that I have not thought about that will surprise me if it ever happens. So for now, it is live life as I want to, keep this side of me under wraps and enjoy life as much as possible. Life is just too damn short and being a slow learner about this side of me didn't help.

[Kathi Lake]

Sara, would you like to know the difference between you and I? Other than the obvious - you are gorgeous, convincing, innately feminine, etc. - you think about things. I don't. I go through my little world like Forrest Gump, blissfully ignorant of the everyday catastrophes that I get myself into.

Like last week, there I was in the makeup chair wearing women's jeans and a cute top, getting a full makeover - 10 miles from my home. Did I meet anyone who knew me as a guy? Why yes. Yes I did. And that was only the one I saw. Who knows who else saw me. Was it bright for me to do this? Probably not. There have been other events where I saw people I knew. Maybe I shouldn't go to a store 2 miles from my home,eh? Some people think I'm brave. I think I'm just not that bright.

You, on the other hand, actually think about this. You go a far distance away from your home. You go fully dressed which makes it much harder for you to be recognized. You're doing this the right way, I believe. At least you're trying to make sure your worlds don't collide.

:)

Kathi

[PretzelGirl]

Sara, I kind of wonder if there is a safe zone. I can think of many instances of running into people I know in other states. Yes, it certainly lowers the odds, but at some level you are still taking a risk by just going out. So to me the path is to decide what you consider a distance that lowers the odds of running into someone you know and live with the results. Just think of all the fun you wouldn't be having if you decided running into one person you knew wasn't worth the risk of getting out!

[Nikki A.]

Sometimes I'm as "dumb" as Kathi especially lately. And if it were not for my kids (now away in college) I really would not care who sees and who knows.
This Saturday evening I'm going to a Mary Kay party, before that I can meet up with 2 GG friends and hit the mall. However the mall is in my town and I really don't want to run into people that I may know or worse my kids know. Do I throw caution to the wind and have fun or use discretion?

[Sara Jessica]

If you were dressed then you might never have been recognized, so there is that. For the most part though just have fun.

Yes and no. Being out in girl mode has worked in my favor in the past. The two instances I came upon someone I knew, neither one recognized me. However, doing the real hair thing as I have been of late, trust me, a wig provides a lot more anonymity.

BTW, just to be clear, I was in guy mode today.


"I will deal with it when it happens".

The operative word being "when"...yikes!


Sara, would you like to know the difference between you and I? Other than the obvious - you are gorgeous, convincing, innately feminine, etc. - you think about things. I don't. I go through my little world like Forrest Gump, blissfully ignorant of the everyday catastrophes that I get myself into.

Like last week, there I was in the makeup chair wearing women's jeans and a cute top, getting a full makeover - 10 miles from my home. Did I meet anyone who knew me as a guy? Why yes. Yes I did. And that was only the one I saw. Who knows who else saw me. Was it bright for me to do this? Probably not. There have been other events where I saw people I knew. Maybe I shouldn't go to a store 2 miles from my home,eh? Some people think I'm brave. I think I'm just not that bright.

You, on the other hand, actually think about this. You go a far distance away from your home. You go fully dressed which makes it much harder for you to be recognized. You're doing this the right way, I believe. At least you're trying to make sure your worlds don't collide.

:)

Kathi

Too funny Kathi, I do love your self-deprecating comments. Sometimes I think blissful ignorance would be soooo much easier but then again, your world has failed to explode so you must be doing something right. :)

But your "commando" tale, I could never do that within 30 miles of home. I can't call what you did brave (much of what we do in our world is described by others that way, to me, bravery has such a deeper meaning)...but I wouldn't call it stupid either. It's simply a calculated risk-vs-reward. We all do it to a certain degree.


Sara, I kind of wonder if there is a safe zone. I can think of many instances of running into people I know in other states. Yes, it certainly lowers the odds, but at some level you are still taking a risk by just going out. So to me the path is to decide what you consider a distance that lowers the odds of running into someone you know and live with the results. Just think of all the fun you wouldn't be having if you decided running into one person you knew wasn't worth the risk of getting out!

I totally hear what you are saying. There is no absolute comfort zone, only lowering the odds.

distance = lower odds
our look = lower odds (generally speaking, real hair nothwithstanding)

[Stephenie S]

I agree. I run into people I know all OVER the US.

S

[Sara Jessica]

So knowing that there was absolutely no way to avoid what could be an unpleasant disclosure to my wife, I told her yesterday afternoon what had happened. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, no sense in letting it linger, it had to happen. Other than a single roll of the eyes as I embarked on the tale, her reaction was absolute nonchalance...much to my relief of course.

In hindsight...


My wife is such a saint. She rolls with the gender stuff I constantly throw her way, whether putting up with some pretty marked appearance changes to giving me space. There's no other way to explain it other than she must love me beyond belief. :)
Knowing what I know about me, and my original intent in going to that salon, there's a nagging feeling that these long-time friends can and will put two & two together. But I must remember that gender issues are not the first things that come to mind in so many situations, this one included. Despite my long hair, smooth legs and longish fingernails, how could they possibly come to any kind of tg conclusion...wait, I better stop over-thinking this ;) !!!

[Michelle I]

Sara:

I think that you might be over analyzing this too far, in boy mode, saying you were there for some high end products is believable. I bet after you catching up with them and leaving, not much more thought was given to you being there. Most people have busy lives and forget about most interactions with other people. So quit worrying about it, just scratch that salon off your list, unless you saw a cute stylist or hairstyle that you could not live without :).

[Kathryn Martin]

Hi Sara:

I also think you may be over analyzing. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a guy going into a women salon and buying product or anything else. Often the best is to simply answer the question by saying I needed to get some product here. As an example, I buy all of my skin care product locally at the drug store. I consult with them about my skin issues, that is I tend to get very dry skin in the winter. After several options they recommended to go with a women skin care routine because it would be more effective. They were embarrassed when they offered it but just told them if it worked I would be happy to try. In this day of metrosexuals it is no longer an issue.

It is often by the lame explanations that we can out ourselves. These people won't even waste another thought on it.

Kathryn

[Sara Jessica]

I think that you might be over analyzing this too far...


I also think you may be over analyzing...


...wait, I better stop over-thinking this!!!


Right on, I know I'm over-analyzing things. I admitted it but also pointed out the reason why. In our world, we often think in a tg vernacular, if there is such a thing. For example, if I see a guy walking down the street with smooth legs, I may very well "think" tg first (and would likely be wrong) where someone else with no gender issues or experience with those in our community might think bicyclist or something else. So in this situation, the odds are clearly in my favor that my friends would not be likely to think tg. I understand that but it doesn't take away from the nagging feeling I have deep down that there even could be a remote chance that they could piece this little puzzle together. This is not so much for my sake as I originally stated. It's for my wife and children. Trust me, I can't think of anything more cool than to be able to be known to this guy and be able to depend on him as a stylist when I do outings. I'm just not so sure something like that is in the cards.

Michelle, I'm glad you found my story believable. It was all I could come up with that fast. And let me make it clear, I'm all about honesty and not making up fanciful stories about stuff like this but when it comes to disclosure to people who know me well, it's simply not an option. I had to come up with something plausible and I think I did so.

[Gerrijerry]

Just my 2 cents. But no matter where you go or how far it is going to happen. As for your wife. Yes tell her that while you were checking the place out you say them there. She should know just incase it comes up. However since you were not dressed I am sure there will bot be a real problem. As for how far to go to make if safe.
I went on a cruise out of florida I live in NEW York. I went with a group called dignity with my wife and yes I planned to dressed 24/7 on the trip. On the ship on the second day my wife sees a woman who she works with at the pool. Since I was with her it became clear who I was. I nomally pass very well. There is no place to hide on a ship and we both new that I had been seen already. To say the least my wife was upset. I went to the room and change back to male mode. My wife went to say hello. The woman asked of course who the othe woman was with her. My wife just lost it and told her that was my husband. The woman from work just said oh I see. That was it. when my wife got back to the room She told me what had been said. Then told me I might as well dress again. I thought for sure that the woman would tell everyone that my wife knew. The next day in port dressed fem as we got off the boat with others from the group. We spoted the woman again with her husband. My wife told me she had to say hello and told me to stay with the others. She went over and as I was talking to the other girls. My wife came over with her and introduced me. I felt so bad for my wife. But all the woman said was hello would you two like to spend the day with us. So My wife asked me with that look like I had no real choice. I said if she wanted to ok. It turned out to be a lovely day of seeing the island and shopping. Never once did the woman and her husband say anything about how I was dressed. In fact once when we stoped her husband asked if all you ladies would like a drink we can stop. Yes I was included as a woman. Strange world but it does happen both ways. sometimes good sometimes embaressing you never know.

[donnalee]

Above all, be bold! When people see you out of the usual context, they think "Gee, that guy/gal LOOKs like my buddy John, but it couldn't be him, he doesn't belong here!". Don't shy away or try to duck them; if, by a VERY small chance, you ARE recognized, there is no need to explain anything. You belong wherever you decide to be, and need no excuses.

[honeybunchkin]

Hi! I agree with Michelle. Your explanation is totally believable! Men buy high end hair products all the time. It really is the norm now, so don't over analyze the situation. I undetstand your concern but, it's done and over with in your friends' minds. Though I'm sure they're still thinking how great it was running into YOU!!!!

[helena.gcd]

i don't know if there is such thing as a 'safe' zone. Everytime you go out there are some odds to be outed and that someone you know recognizes you. And the more you go out, the more you risk.
It is like riding a motorbike: the question is not if you are going to fall or not, but when are you going to fall.
The risk is there, but people still ride motorbikes everyday, the same way that many of you decide to go out as a woman when and where ever you want.
You just have to be careful and try to enjoy the ride.

[stefan37]

I have my own business and have to travel around the state to conduct it. I can't even count how many people I've met or seen driving next to me and acknowledged their existence at that time, so matter how safe you think you'll be there is a good chance of running into someone you may know. And I have had chance encounters with friends or friends of friends out of state even. The difficulty I foresee is your partners comfort level. I started wearing eyeliner daily 2 years ago, and reading about positive experiences hear with pierced ears here I got my ears pierced a year ago. I've been wearing nail polish for about a year. I wear women's blouses and jeans, trousers and even shoes with low heels. My family feels comfortable going out with me attired as such. I'm not sure they would feel comfortable going out with me fully attired in a wig, dress and heels.
The key I've found and its not easy is to find a balance that makes you and your family comfortable.

[Christy_M]

Sara, would you like to know the difference between you and I? Other than the obvious - you are gorgeous, convincing, innately feminine, etc. - you think about things. I don't. I go through my little world like Forrest Gump, blissfully ignorant of the everyday catastrophes that I get myself into.

:)

Kathi

I have to admit, I might be a little denser here, at least someone would have to actually take a second look at the chair and say..."Is that really ..?"

I drive a very recognizable vehicle and while I don't leave the house dressed, I stop a couple miles from the house to change. I also drive the same direction as half my employees. I never really thought about someone seeing my truck and then wondering "why that old red headed broad is driving it?" I might need to set up some sort of safe zone myself...maybe somewhere on the other side of the cascades...