Excuse for my S.O.

[linda.wai]

I know it's bad to be dishonest but my SO absolutely cannot accept my CD.
To keep the marriage, I need to lie.

I also need to CD once in a while. I usually go on holiday en femme for avfew days to a week.

I just wonder what excuse should I use to justify my absence this time..

I have told her about attending work related courses and overseas business trips. Yet my work really never involves overseas business so I can't keep using these excuses.

Any suggestions?

[Christy_M]

I am not so sure it is a great idea to ask a bunch of folks to make up lies for you...you will undoubtedly get people to give you good excuses but using them won't do your relationship any benefit. Believe me, I get "needing to hide the CDing" from your SO but perpetuating the lying will only lead to bad news on the relationship front.

[tami_cd]

I know it's bad to be dishonest you have answered your own question in my books. If your SO will not accept it you have to decide what is more important to you. ( just think if the situation was in reverse )

[sterling12]

Oh,Oh, I have an Idea, and I think it's a Good One! When you all have Supper this Evening, start making a Mountain out of Your Mashed Potato's! When you finish with what's on Your Plate, grab everybody else's Spuds and keep on sculpting that Sucker right up to The Ceiling! Do this every evening for The Next Week.

After about a Week, start talking vaguely about being "summoned," and if you can Sing look up That John Williams Melody. If you can make your Singing Voice sound like A Gigantic Pipe Organ, just keep that up for about another week. Repeat that same two bars of Music, maybe three or four hundred times per day.

By The Time your ready to "reveal" your need to travel to Montana, (No Matter What!) I'll just bet your Wife will be more than willing to let you go....or, she will have you committed to Your State Hospital!

See, we have to look at All Problems as Opportunities! A little creative thinking, and there's no need to lie (well, at least you were creative about it, so that sort of neutralizes The Lie.)
Just be mindful, your going to have a Hell of A Time trying to Top That One, for The Next Time around!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[t-girlxsophie]

Im sure the OP doesnt lie to their wife in a flippant way and they actually Hate having to do so,maybe we should bear that in mind before being judgemental of them too much,and no that doesnt necessarily mean aggreeing with how they are going about things,just have a bit of compassion for their predicament

[Patty B.]

Eventually this will probably come out into the open whether in a year, 5,10 or 28 years down the road, like I've done. I certainly regret waiting 28 years and probably, sadly the marriage will end in one form or another, I dont know how this will work out, right now it's not. Personally I am all for being honest and open, maybe you can take this to the grave like I had hoped to but maybe not. If not you will both have to eventually face this issue. Just my opinion for what it may be worth.

[Nigella]

I just hope you have a good memory to explain where you were. Your SO must be very trusting to accept all the time away with a simple "oh it just a course". Step up to the plate, eventually this is likely to cost you anyway. But then again I guess the option of having your cake and eating it fits.

[Kathryn Martin]

I know it's bad to be dishonest but my SO absolutely cannot accept my CD.
To keep the marriage, I need to lie.

I also need to CD once in a while. I usually go on holiday en femme for avfew days to a week.

I just wonder what excuse should I use to justify my absence this time..

I have told her about attending work related courses and overseas business trips. Yet my work really never involves overseas business so I can't keep using these excuses.

Any suggestions?

This board is filled with people that are to varying degrees in the same situation that you are. Did your SO give you an ultimatum between her and Linda, or did she just say "not in my house"? While I am blessed with a very understanding and supportive spouse, it is not simply smooth sailing. And I have found that getting counseling especially for your SO is of huge importance. We sometimes tend to forget that our spouses married a man, and did so for a reason. The transition, you're experiencing is easy compared to her because at the end of the tunnel there is something that at least in her initial assessment is not a good thing. While you look forward to having Linda liberated in some ways, she is looking forward to having the very foundation of her marriage relationship with you changed.

So to answer your question, asking for excuses to bring to your spouse so that she will believe you are not indulging your needs but have legitimate business somewhere, is really a problem on many levels. Once you resolve that you must systematically lie to your spouse to continue your journey, haven't you made a choice of sorts. And if you have made that choice, might it not be better to confront this issue head on?

Kathryn

[linda.wai]

I am not so sure it is a great idea to ask a bunch of folks to make up lies for you...you will undoubtedly get people to give you good excuses but using them won't do your relationship any benefit. Believe me, I get "needing to hide the CDing" from your SO but perpetuating the lying will only lead to bad news on the relationship front.

I hope I could find someone who can be show empathy to my predicament.

I have already honestly told my SO about my CD. We have seen a marital counsellor and a psychiatrist.

Still, she cannot accept my CD and I do not blame her. Some people just cannot accommodate CD.

The situation is either I stop CD or we divorce (and my kids lost their loving family).
In actual fact, without CD, we are a great couple. We are truly happy together.

I know for a fact that CD can't be cured.
Now, many in this forum is telling me to divorce her rather than to sneak out for a week and CD every year and then live my life as usual for the rest of my days. If I divorce her, all 4 in my family will be catastrophic for years and that's 100% certain. If I sneak out with an excuse, the chances She knows is at best 50-50. Even if she does know, I probably can fix it. So are people here suggest that I have a better way out. If you know how to stop my CD, I'm pleased to pay for the remedy.


I just hope you have a good memory to explain where you were. Your SO must be very trusting to accept all the time away with a simple "oh it just a course". Step up to the plate, eventually this is likely to cost you anyway. But then again I guess the option of having your cake and eating it fits.

I suppose there is a way to make my wife fully embrace my CD and turn her into a loving spouse who will accompany me to Southern Comfort. Nigella you must tell me how. For over 5 years of marital counseling cannot make her not be put off my the sight of me in a dress. She seems to subtly accept my trips away provided I can give a good excuse that she can pretend to believe.

[Nigella]

There is no answer anyone but you and your SO can give. If, as you say she subtly accepts your trips, with an excuse she can pretend to believe, then stick with the excuses you have already used, as according to the way I read your post above, she already accepts your excuses, why try find more?

[linda.wai]

Once you resolve that you must systematically lie to your spouse to continue your journey, haven't you made a choice of sorts. And if you have made that choice, might it not be better to confront this issue head on?

Kathryn

Does that mean, other than lying to my wife or divorcing her (and losing my family), there is a third way?
Is CD just an indulgent pastime that can be stopped at will?
My therapist said it is not curable but from the response of board members, that's probably a cure after all.

[linda.wai]

Hi. I'm a CD but my wife won't have anything to do with my CD. She thinks I'm a pervert and that my CD is a self indulgent act. Years of therapy by 2 professionals can't change her views. Other than that, she is a very loving and support wife and mother. We enjoy a happy relationship in a happy family.

Yet, CD cannot be cured. So I have to lie to sneak out and CD.

If you were me, what should I do?

Spend more money and time on finding a shrink who can cure me?
Continue to lie and CD every few months?

[PretzelGirl]

First off Linda, CDing is a self-indulgent act. You aren't doing it for someone else, are you?

But you find yourself in one of the worst predicaments that we can be in. You apparently didn't come out to her before marraige and now you feel you are in a bind. This is one of the reasons that I believe in telling before getting married. But what is done, is done now and you have to deal with where you are.

I think the first thing you need to do is get away from any lying. If you feel you have a wonderful marraige outside of CDing, it will fall apart if you lie to get your CDing time in. No good marraige should have lying as a part of it. So how do you do that? I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife. You have been through counselling it appears, so she should know that you still have the desire to dress. So if you bring it up it should be no surprise. Negotiate yourself some dressing time. Let her come up with some rules around it. Not in front of her. Friday nights while she is out with the kids. Only in the bedroom. Whatever works. Just be willing to give some rope up to her and her feelings so that you can get something for yourself.

Now you might say that you have your rights and should be able to dress when you want. This is correct. But in your case you may end up being divorced as a result. This is a result of the path you have made so far. But if you want to remain married, the lies must stop. There are no easy decisions here. But it is better to take positive action rather than sneak around and continue with lies. Good luck! :hugs:

[Sophie86]

I think Sue's advice is good.

I think a person who has a genuine desire not to dress can find ways to suppress and sublimate it for years at a time, but I don't think it ever completely goes away. When the pressure not to dress is coming from outside the person, though, I think it's always going to be a losing battle and the tension it creates will come out in other ways: irritability, emotional disengagement, generalized discontent.

As Sue says, crossdressing is an indulgement of the self, but it is a spiritual need of the self. The consequence of ignoring it is that the self becomes a little starveling. That's not good for you, and it's not good for the people close to you.

[Yazna]

You can't change...is something deep inside you soul that we make us feel so happy when we dress up as a pretty Girl...out of our control...we born like this and will die like this!

[Lucy_Bella]

You should never lie or mis lead your wife no matter what reason or cause. She is your equal partner and deserves to know ,this is why so many people think that CDing is the cause of divorce when in fact it's not the Cding it's the act of decieving ,lying and betrayel. How would you like it if your wife was doing simular behind your back? You may think its innocent and for some it may be ..

The Cding is something you and your wife can live with ,work on and gain some understanding with trust .. You should tell her if she can not accept that you CD you will go and get it out of your system out of love and respect to her and do it somewhere else so she doesn't have to see it ..

[Bernadina]

Why don't you adopt a hobby she disapproves off more? Make CDing look like a good thing for you to do.

[AllieSF]

Well, I have heard what you have said and contrary to tell all, see a counselor, which you have done, or divorce I offer you some suggestions to your original unanswered question. You need to get out on a periodic basis. So, I think that you need to have a variety of reasons, some of which are repeatable. Repeatability can work because it sounds more realistic, assuming you select the right activities and get the right equipment, and are less questionable the more you do them. They become your male hobby, male bonding, escape from work for some sports activity. Those things are monthly, bi-monthly, annual fishing trips, golf outings, bird watching excursions, bicycle trips, motorcycle trips, rock climbing trips, etc. You get the idea. You also need the friends to do these activities with so that you really do those activities once in awhile to keep up the diversion. Five day fishing trip is actually three days with 2 days of dressing. You need to get the fishing equipment and actually go fishing locally with someone, ride the bike with someone, buy the binoculars and identify birds and check them off the list every year. The business trips are always good but you actually need to go on some of those too, which are actually perfect times to go out dressed at night or on an extra day while on the road. There has to be some truth in the lies to help make them plausible. The trouble with all this is that when your wife asks who you are going with, she will eventually like to hear names and maybe phone numbers in case she has an emergency and needs to contact someone, like maybe your friend's wife. You also need to have some thought out responses to questions. E.g. maybe the other guys or guy had to go home early because of a work issue. Mixing the actual activity with the dressing also allows you to have a truthful answer when she asks how was the fishing, golf, restaurants, whatever. What you are asking is not impossible, nor is it foolproof. You know the risks because you have already been doing it. Good luck, you are definitely not the only one in this predicament. However and fortunately, I am not one of them.

[Christy_M]

Why don't you adopt a hobby she disapproves off more? Make CDing look like a good thing for you to do.

I like this idea...nothing like serail killing but somewhere just this side of legal yet with worse social connotations...base jumping off tall buildings maybe or even attending tea party rallies. :)

[Melissa Rose]

Linda, you are stuck in a difficult place and with what appears to be only distasteful choices. While you can get input from others here, it is ultimately up to you to determine the best course. Each of us are unique and in unique situations so unique solutions are needed.

Whenever there is a disagreement or conflict, it is very easy to get caught in something called the "suckers choice". This is where the thought of "or" instead of "and" is used. For example, "I can CD or make my wife happy" versus "Is there a way to CD and make my wife happy". An "or" approach means there is a winner and a loser, or only one right solution; an "and" approach works towards a compromise at worse or a win-win at best.

It appears both of you are stuck in the "or" mind frame. Have an adult conversation where both of you try to find an answer to the "and" choice. Perhaps you are allowed four en femme weekends a year and she takes the kids on a mini-vacation or to visit family. There are numerous cd/tg conventions or get-togethers across the US, so you get to attend one or two of those a year. There has to be an agreeable solution out there. Find out what bothers or scares her the most and find a solution to address those fears and concerns. If she is unwilling or unable to find an "and" solution, you have a very difficult decision to make. Continuing lying and finding excuses is not going to work in the long run. It will eventually blow up in your face which will probably be much worse than dealing with the situation head on now.

I did not want to repeatedly lie or deceive my wife. We found a way to make it work and where we were both happy with the outcome. She did not get everything she wanted, neither did I, but we found a very good compromise. It took work and some time to refine the rules, but it was worth it.

[juno]

My wife is accepting partly because she knows it make me happy. She doesn't like me to spend time on it when there are chores to do. So, I am usually more motivated to get chores done. This makes CDing look like a good thing.

For SOs that cannot accept it, I think the best solution is to compromise. Don't dress around them. Dressing while traveling is an excellent compromise. They don't have to see it, or fear that the neighbors will see it. And, be sure to come home in a pleasant mood, so that they will realize how important it is for you.

[Christy_M]

[QUOTE=Melissa Rose;2275107]
Whenever there is a disagreement or conflict, it is very easy to get caught in something called the "suckers choice". This is where the thought of "or" instead of "and" is used. For example, "I can CD or make my wife happy" versus "Is there a way to CD and make my wife happy". An "or" approach means there is a winner and a loser, or only one right solution; an "and" approach works towards a compromise at worse or a win-win at best.

It appears both of you are stuck in the "or" mind frame. Have an adult conversation where both of you try to find an answer to the "and" choice. Perhaps you are allowed four en femme weekends a year and she takes the kids on a mini-vacation or to visit family. There are numerous cd/tg conventions or get-togethers across the US, so you get to attend one or two of those a year. There has to be an agreeable solution out there. Find out what bothers or scares her the most and find a solution to address those fears and concerns. If she is unwilling or unable to find an "and" solution, you have a very difficult decision to make. Continuing lying and finding excuses is not going to work in the long run. It will eventually blow up in your face which will probably be much worse than dealing with the situation head on now.QUOTE]

Great advice - I will be using this in the near future with my SO.

[Persephone]

Dear Linda,

I am always amazed by the number of posters who seem to post without really "getting" a situation. I guess it is because many read the original post and then respond without having read the subsequent posts.

I feel for you, girl. You are in a tough situation and there seem to be few ways out for you. I admire you for working hard to hold your family together. Every day is another "victory" as your children grow one day older in what seems to be a loving, nurturing, caring family.

It may indeed be that your wife simply wants a "plausible" reason for you to be away, something she can feel comfortable with. It is hard for us (and maybe even you) to figure out if that's what she's doing or not, and that is a dangerous game, but, for you, at least right now, it may be the only game in town.

AllieSF seemed to offer some excellent suggestions. One more might be the possibility of a religious retreat.

You can only do your best in a bad situation and maybe it helps to know that some of us care.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Lucy_Bella]

I am not saying that any one suggestion is wrong but the truth will set you free, how will anyone gain any trust by lying or decieving ? One should first be judged by character and by building trust is not lying or doing things behind someones back who has trust in you .

Yes it is much easier to hide dressing and I am guilty of it , I understand that some of us have no choice but to hide it..I have been there hid it many years even tho my wife knew I dressed before we were married ,she just didn't want to deal with it.

Looking back, I find that it was me who was at fault , I didn't communicate with her about it or I didn't do it enough. I never tried to get her to understand it wasn't a matter of choice or preferance it was who I am.. I never educated her about my life style so she went 20 plus years mis lead. Thats my fault!! So even if I was to try and she told me already..She wouldn't believe anything I say because of all the lies and decieving.
It's your life , you do as you will .. But it's not only your marriage that takes two and it also takes two for it to work..I wish you the best and I hope all works out either way.

[busker]

You can tell your ife that you have joined a theatrical group that specializes in onnagata parts (don't know what the Chinese word is, but I know you have the same in male-female roles in Chinese theater and from now on you will need to crossdress to be in character most of the time. Hopefully, she hates the theater and you can dress in peace.

[MsJanessa]

A "self indulgent act" yes but not one that we really have a lot of control over---I suspect that your wife suspects what you are doing on your "overseas business trips" and week long vacations by yourself---most wives aren't stupid---as far as "lying" goes, most marriages couldn't take brutally honest truth all the time----

if you are going on a vacation to cross dress then tell her that you are going on a vacation by yourself---if she doesn't inquire too intensely about what you will be doing then you won't have to lie---being absolutly honest all the time with your spouse doesn't work for most guys, let alone most crossdressers--and a lie to preserve appearences and insure unruffled feelings for your wife is hardly a bad thing--unlike what some of the ladies say here, most long term relationships involve a certain degree of dissembling. The idea that we have to be absolutly honest with our spouse all the time is a hoax promulgated by the likes of Oparah Winfrey---it is not reality--

[Dee Baker]

I am not so sure it is a great idea to ask a bunch of folks to make up lies for you...you will undoubtedly get people to give you good excuses but using them won't do your relationship any benefit. Believe me, I get "needing to hide the CDing" from your SO but perpetuating the lying will only lead to bad news on the relationship front.

Dito.

Dee

[LitaKelley]

A lot was said in this thread and I did not read all of it, so I am not sure if what I'm gonna say has been said or not.

If you have to keep making excuses, or lies, to engage in your crossdressing, your wife may on her own ASSUME you may be having an affair. (In reality, perhaps you are, albeit with your own self)

Your wife, knowing you well enough, may very well know you're lying.

What if you get caught in the lie.. this can be even more damaging to your marriage, perhaps even reinforcing any misconceptions or assumptions she may already have.


Here's an idea.. There's a new release DVD called Peacock.. it's about a crossdresser.. Go rent it and ask her if she wants to watch a movie.. Then watch it.. See how she reacts.. MAYBE this will open the door to having a conversation and discussion on crossdressing and see where it leads you and her.

[Kathryn Martin]

Does that mean, other than lying to my wife or divorcing her (and losing my family), there is a third way?
Is CD just an indulgent pastime that can be stopped at will?
My therapist said it is not curable but from the response of board members, that's probably a cure after all.

Have you discussed with her the possibility that for two weeks every year in spring one and one in fall you will be away. Ask her not to ask what you are doing. She also has made a decision of sorts don't you think. In saying that your dressing is absolutely not acceptable. So what is the consequence on her part. Does this mean that if you do she will leave? Be ready to break up your family and deprive your children of a great family? I also believe as I said before that she needs some counseling.

And no if you are transgendered then it means there is a real need for this. This is not an idle pastime. I hate the kind of ultimatums people give each other, they are like principles, in the final analysis, they kill people.

I hope you find a way to resolve it, and whatever you decide does not leave someone in the dust.

Kathryn

[NicoleScott]

You referred to her as your S.O. And then you referred to your marriage. Is she your wife? Makes a difference in how you handle this.

[Loni]

well you have pained your self into a bad corner.
she will find out. and there will be h to pay, you must find a way to get to a middle ground with the wife, if she finds out via what ever way, you are dead meat.
if you talk to her, life will not be so grand...but better than....

but the biggest problem is a choice...wife and family life...or dressing up?
one you get a wife and family, for your life...but you must hide part of your self.
the other you might loose all...if you do not hide part of your self.
it could be h if you have to hide part of your self.
it could be h if you do not hide part of your self.
this is a matter you and only you can answer, you know we here will support you come what may.
speak with a therapist for guidance as it could be helpful in the future.

Good luck on your journey.

.

[jenifer m.]

you can always get a divorce.thats whare my marrage is going cuz of my cding.every body in my life accepts me as i am except the wife.go figure.

[Sophie86]

Five years of counseling with a professional, and she still doesn't get it and doesn't want anything to do with it. I think you've done as much as you could on that front. By refusing to compromise, she's put you between a rock and a hard place. Essentially, she doesn't care whether you're happy, as long as she gets what she wants (and somehow that makes you self-indulgent).

Somewhere along the way, though, you must have indicated to her that you were willing to accept that situation. She must have said that she absolutely refused to live with a crossdresser, and you said that you would stop. Whether you meant it at the time and changed your mind later, or whether you said it to defuse the situation, that was the lie you told that makes these other lies necessary. My personal opinion is that you have no right to keep her in the marriage under false pretenses--and she certainly has no right to make you go through some elaborate charade where you both pretend you're not crossdressing, if that's what she's doing.

I think that you should level with her. Tell her that you didn't stop, that you can't stop, and that you're not going to stop. Tell her that you'll take it far away from her just like you've been doing, and you'll use whatever euphemism she likes. The lying is just a ticking bomb waiting to go off though. It's preventing the two of you from having a truly healthy relationship. It will doom the marriage, if it hasn't already. The best that you can hope for is that you get your children raised before it goes off in your face. Paying child support and having someone else raise your children would be pretty lousy. On the other hand, so would sacrificing a big chunk of your life for someone who wants you to be something you're not. Rock. Hard place.

I feel awful for you, and I hope that somehow it all works out, whatever you decide to do. Good luck!

Hugs,
Sophie

[eluuzion]

I am single by choice, and probably will remain single the rest of my life. I am not bitter, just realistic in my expectations regarding the morals and goals people choose to adopt in today’s world. I am not claiming to be superior in character, as each individual, including myself, finds ways to justify their behaviors. I just believe it is very unlikely that I will run into another person that maintains a set of values and goals that matches mine in a manner I feel is necessary to enable an intimate relationship to survive in the long term.

Most of my beliefs on this issue of course, are based upon my personal experiences and the line of work that I have chosen in life, to “afford me the lifestyle in which I have become accustomed to”…lol.

I am in the “hide-n-seek” business in the real world. I make money “consulting” people on privacy, security, personal safety, surveillance, covert information and other related issues. Basically, I help people conceal their own secrets and uncover what other people in their lives are concealing from them. I’m like a liquor store, always busy…because people drink when they are happy, sad, jealous, crazy or just thirsty. The same applies to their curiosity about the details surrounding their personal relationships. :heehee:

I believe in the course of my work that I have become somewhat of an “expert” in the nonsense of lies and deception. I could suggest some ways for you to successfully mask your deceptive behavior or I could successfully expose your activities to your SO. :cool:

Both of those activities typically produce the same outcome for all people involved, regardless of which position the parties occupy in regards to the issues at hand. Whether the results successfully conceal or reveal is irrelevant. It simply confirms what was already obvious, by the fact that the request was made in the first place… The party(ies) have chosen to engage in more self-deception rather than face the fact that they are in a relationship that is not providing a happy and fulfilling life, which will continue to deteriorate.:sad:

Relationships do not always require villains and victims to fail. It often consists of two good people that have developed different paths in life that ultimately demand each to follow separate paths to achieve the happiness and fulfillment we all seek in life. I make a living helping people continue to procrastinate what most of them ultimately face at some point in their future. (Honesty and Reality).

In dealing with this side of my “business”(relationship issues), I do have some “rules” I follow to avoid any conflicts with my personal ethics. I only provide my services for the purpose of uncovering the truth in areas where deception and lies have distorted reality for the parties involved. I am not in the business of helping people distort reality for personal gain.

This was not intended to pass judgement or criticize your strategies in life. I have been involved in some ventures in my life that most people think only exist in the movies, :). I am simply suggesting that you are only postponing the inevitable. That of course, is certainly your choice to make…and one you already understand.

Good Luck,
Sincerely,
Bobby Buzzkill :D

[Patty B.]

Reading more gives a better insight. You sure are in a tough situation and dont envy what you are going through. But all things considered you still think about your family. I kept my cd'ing hidden for a number of reasons, not all good, but not causing my young family any harm was first and foremost in my thoughts. Good luck with whatever winds up working for you.

[ReineD]

Still, she cannot accept my CD and I do not blame her.

That's the problem. You need to value your own need to express yourself. Your wife cannot change her attitudes until you do.



For over 5 years of marital counseling cannot make her not be put off my the sight of me in a dress. She seems to subtly accept my trips away provided I can give a good excuse that she can pretend to believe.

She doesn't have to see you dressed. She just needs to accept that your need to CD is innate, and that you need the time and space to express yourself. You can tell her that you respect her wish to not be involved, but you no longer wish to lie about it, and you will tell her the truth. Then the ball is in her court. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome when she doesn't run to a divorce lawyer. Why would she if you only dress once per year and you are happy in all other aspects of your marriage? Surely she is also interested in keeping the family together?


Does that mean, other than lying to my wife or divorcing her (and losing my family), there is a third way?


Does it have to be so black and white? The third way is as described above.

Do you do anything on your trips that you wouldn't want your wife to know about (other than the dressing)? If so, then this needs to stop and then you can help to reassure your wife of your whereabouts and activities by maintaining frequent contact with her over the phone while you are gone.

[Sophie86]

Surely she is also interested in keeping the family together?

As Frank Herbert noted, "the power to destroy a thing is the absolute control over it." When one person is willing to destroy the marriage in order to get what s/he wants, s/he can issue ultimatums to the other person. Put to the test, though, that willingness often turns out to have been a bluff. Unfortunately, that may not be discovered until the other person has reached the point of not caring anymore.

[linda.wai]

You can tell your ife that you have joined a theatrical group that specializes in onnagata parts (don't know what the Chinese word is, but I know you have the same in male-female roles in Chinese theater and from now on you will need to crossdress to be in character most of the time. Hopefully, she hates the theater and you can dress in peace.
Love this idea. U r so cute. :)

[linda allen]

I know it's bad to be dishonest but my SO absolutely cannot accept my CD.
To keep the marriage, I need to lie.

I also need to CD once in a while. I usually go on holiday en femme for avfew days to a week.

I just wonder what excuse should I use to justify my absence this time..

I have told her about attending work related courses and overseas business trips. Yet my work really never involves overseas business so I can't keep using these excuses.

Any suggestions?

Lying will come back to bite you at some point. Especially lying about trips, staying in hotels, travel, etc.

I can't give you a good suggestion other than to rethink the lying part. You will get caught eventually.

[Miss Misery]

As Frank Herbert noted, "the power to destroy a thing is the absolute control over it." When one person is willing to destroy the marriage in order to get what s/he wants, s/he can issue ultimatums to the other person. Put to the test, though, that willingness often turns out to have been a bluff. Unfortunately, that may not be discovered until the other person has reached the point of not caring anymore.

I like Sophie's comment in that it is unclear just "how far" your wife will go to stop you from CDing. She might not be ready to get a divorce over it but does want you to think that she is. Or, she might be willing to do it. That is the "gamble" in this whole situation. You need to figure out what you're willing to risk (and it sounds like you're already risking your marriage by still dressing and lying about it). If dressing is worth "the gamble or risk" of losing your marriage then you shouldn't have too much trouble just telling her that "while I would prefer to do this at home with you, I will respect your feelings and not dress in your presence." This is a compromise on your part (and hers).

If she's unwilling and you need to lie about where you're going etc, then you're likely uncompatible and already on the road to a divorce - sorry.

[KarenS]

My wife knows I am a CD but prefers not to hear about any activities. She does however occasionally ask if I have dressed recently and if I have, have I gone out. I always tell her the truth.

[linda.wai]

The idea that we have to be absolutly honest with our spouse all the time is a hoax promulgated by the likes of Oparah Winfrey---it is not reality--

I can't agree with you more. It can't be black or white.

[Nigella]

True there is always a little grey in a marriage, but there are little white lies, and whopping great fibs. Things start as a little bit of bending the truth and end up being a saga.

[abigailf]

To keep the marriage, I need to lie.


Read the above quote again and think about what you are saying. This is no way to keep a marriage. Or if it is, then maybe the marriage is not worth keeping.


I know it's bad to be dishonest but my SO absolutely cannot accept my CD.


My wife was the same way about a year ago. I had to take a step back and slow down a bit, but she has come around. She does not completely accept, but she is definitely tolerant and supportive.

Consider going to couples counseling. I know, not easy to do, especially if she is like my wife and thinks she does not need counseling. But it is really not for her, it is for you and you need her to go for you.

[Sophie86]

I can't agree with you more. It can't be black or white.

I think you've already gotten the answer (http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Wg5q5mNfV8I/SitDsypNgmI/AAAAAAAAANs/z4-_FFcpg1I/s400/Wrongs.JPG) you wanted to hear. :straightface:

[Sarah Doepner]

Marriage is not a relationship where one party makes all the sacrifices and the other party makes all the demands. It sounds like you are attempting to meet all of her criteria and needs and she is unwilling to budge on something that is critical to your ability to fulfill your part in the marriage. Based on what you have written, there may be some ability to define boundaries that would work for both of you. She will not see you in a dress, but if it means stability in the marriage, would she accept your occasional absence, knowing what you are doing? Does it take a false story to get you the time you need or do you just need to assure her she won't have to see you? Maybe, Maybe not.

I don't know all that is going on in your world but would recommend you bring this up to the counselor and see if that is the case. If so, you should schedule some time on a regular basis to do what you need to stay engaged, productive and a full partner to the marriage and family. If she asks what you are doing, let her know that on the advise of your counselor you are taking a "mental health trip" to restore balance in you life.

This is, of course, not the excuse you are looking for. While you think about how to bring honesty and balance back into the marriage, I think some of the trips suggested earlier. Birdwatching is as good as any. If she understands it's a euphamism for what you are actually doing and accepts it, then you are on your way. Eventually when you tell her you need to get your nails done before going birdwatching she may just sigh and send you on your way.

Good luck with whatever approach you take.

[NicoleScott]

Sure, being honest is good. Some folks here insist that the absence of total honesty means the marriage is doomed anyway. But how about the wife's responsibility to act reasonable in the marriage? Is the "my way or the highway" ultimatum fair?

If the husband is a good husband and father, works his best to provide, etc. and in all respects is a man, and likes to go on occasional fishing trips, that's good, right? But instead of fishing, he dresses up. It's all private, away from home and the bedroom, and when he returns, is all man again. That's bad? What's the difference to her? Is it a reasonable thing to say you can fish but not dress up?

I am not so insecure in my far-from-perfect marriage that I demand that I know every thought my wife has, nor do I make her account for all her time or place. She has never given me reason to think she is cheating on me (hey, maybe she's a FtM crossdresser). She can have private time when she needs it, and it's not a problem as long it doesn't become excessive, neglecting family responsibilities. She knows of my crossdressing, and allows me occasional private time. All other times when not crossdressing, I am the husband and father I am expected to be.

It's not unreasonable to expect honesty. Nor is it unreasonable to expect some give on this matter from the wife, some compromise. Such a hard-line stance won't cure the crossdressing, but only drive it deeper into the closet. For this, she bears some responsibility. It can be worked out, but only if both sides want it.

[Sophie86]

But how about the wife's responsibility to act reasonable in the marriage? Is the "my way or the highway" ultimatum fair?

No, it's certainly not fair, but is lying the way to deal with the situation? If the wife had said that crossdressing is a hard limit for her, that doesn't mean she wants the husband to lie and keep it away from her notice. It means she doesn't want him to do it. Period.

Alternative scenario: A wife says to her husband, "Honey, there's a guy I met at the club, and I'd like to start seeing him on occasion." The husband says, "No, I wouldn't like that. I have to draw the line there." Does that mean that it's okay for her to see the guy as long as she is good at lying and keeps the husband from finding out? No harm, no foul, right?

It's the same type of situation, and aside from the likelihood of eventual exposure, the lying itself carries its own harm. Lying begets more lying until there's this big layer of falseness between the two people. In the case of the crossdressing husband, his wife's intelligence and perceptiveness become his enemies when they ought to be his allies. He has to constantly worry about being found out, which makes him tense and fearful about what he says. The closer and more open he is with her, the greater the danger of an inadvertent slip. Meanwhile, she is constantly sensing an estrangement that she can't explain.

So I certainly agree that the wife's attitude is grossly unfair, but I don't think that lying to her is the way to happiness. It's a bad situation to be in, and I sympathize, but I just think that his long term happiness will be better served by being honest.

[ReineD]

Linda, whether or not you'll continue to lie to your wife is one thing, but I'd suggest telling the truth here, if you hope to get any meaningful advice.

I'm confused about your situation. In post #9 above you said you'd like to vacation for a week each year:

Now, many in this forum is telling me to divorce her rather than to sneak out for a week and CD every year and then live my life as usual for the rest of my days.

Yet in this recent thread you indicated that you go on 2 week vacations (fortnight), 2-4 times per year, for a total of 4 to 8 weeks annually:
I'm Linda, I'm a Chinese-Australian tgirl. I grew up in Sydney and I'm working in Shanghai now. I used to pass perfectly 10 years ago, when I was in my 20's. Now, I am not full time but my skills are still there. I go for fortnightly vacation 2-4 times a year alone as a woman. I've been to over 15 cities as a girl but only SF, NYC, Atlanta, London and Bangkok was memorable. Please write to me!

Linda Wai

You also said that your wife cannot tolerate seeing you dressed, yet in this next post you indicate that you never wear male clothing at home:
I never wear male clothes at home.
Bra and panties. Singlet or top. Hot pants. Girly sandals. Rings, ear ring, necklaces and accessories. These are musts.

How can any of the advice given so far be helpful if your circumstances are not as you've described? Have you and your wife really been to marital counseling together? Now I wonder if it is you and not your wife who is reluctant to have all of this be above board, because you want to go out and play. I think you have no interest in being open with your wife, because you rather want to have your cake and eat it too.

MsJanessa wrote:

The idea that we have to be absolutly honest with our spouse all the time is a hoax promulgated by the likes of Oparah Winfrey---it is not reality--

You agreed with this statement earlier. Although I agree that it is neither practical nor wise to share our every thoughts with our partners, this is a far cry from not disclosing your whereabouts and activities to your wife during 4 to 8 weeks per year.

[AKAMichelle]

I can't tell you how to lie. When you get caught one day because we always do, then you will have to deal with all of those lies and it won't be pretty.

[Sophie86]

Linda, whether or not you'll continue to lie to your wife is one thing, but I'd suggest telling the truth here, if you hope to get any meaningful advice.

Wow. Thanks for picking up on that Reine.

[NicoleScott]

Linda, after Reine exposed your inconsistencies, I think you really do need help lying. You're not very good at it.

[linda.wai]

I apologize if I am not entirely accurate in how I depict my life.
The truth is, I am a CD and am living as a man most of the time.
I want to take CD holidays once in a while, 4-12 monthly depending on situation.
Should I lie to my wife to go to these holidays?
I got the answer from many of the board members and the advice is resounding NO, HONESTY IS BEST POLICY.
I must thank everyone for their advice and I shall think over them in the days ahead. Love, Linda

[linda allen]

....... Is CD just an indulgent pastime that can be stopped at will?
My therapist said it is not curable but from the response of board members, that's probably a cure after all.

CDing is not a disease, it is a habit. It is something you choose to do, much like smoking or drinking alcohol. I have given up both in my life. To stop smoking, I just stopped buying and smoking cigarettes. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I stopped drinking alcohol twice. Once, on my own, and didn't drink for ten years or so. More recently, on doctor's orders. Just as with quitting smoking, stop buying and consuming alcohol. Others aren't forcing you to drink or smoke, it's your personal choice. Nobody else is putting women's clothes on your body, you are doing it.

So - you may enjoy crossdressing, but you can "cure" yourself. Get rid of the clothes and don't replace them. Get a hobby or find another way to spend your CD time.

BTW: I'm wearing a bra and forms as I'm writing this. :heehee:

[linda.wai]

So - you may enjoy crossdressing, but you can "cure" yourself. Get rid of the clothes and don't replace them. Get a hobby or find another way to spend your CD time.

BTW: I'm wearing a bra and forms as I'm writing this. :heehee:

You are correct and that's a view I never really thought about.
I always thought CD will never leave me, just like a transsexual can never stop thinking that he or she is in the body of the wrong gender.

[MiamiMarie]

If your marriage is strong enough to survive the revelation of CDing, if she knows about it and has been through all that counseling, then clearly your wife knows two things: You have to crossdress and she cannot see it. I cannot imagine that your wife would actually divorce you if you keep your CDing private and out of her hair - sometimes we women can get a bit hysterical and dramatic and threaten the worse. I suspect that's what's actually happening here.

If you are really vested in saving your marriage, then have a talk. Make some compromises. If your wife truly has an "all or nothing" attitude, and if you are truly comfortable lying all the time, then you are not saving your marriage, you're just damaging it more over time by buiding a thick emotional wall between each other. Even a "don't ask don't tell" policy is better than a "come up with creative lies" all the time. Even a mutually agreed upon lie shared regularly between you and your wife is a better solution.

[JulieC]

You are correct and that's a view I never really thought about.
I always thought CD will never leave me, just like a transsexual can never stop thinking that he or she is in the body of the wrong gender.

I have to offer a countpoint to Linda Allen's post. I mean no disrespect to her opinion. There just happens to be other views. It's up to you to decide what works for you.

Several members of this forum have reported signifcant, and sometimes severe problems when they do not crossdress for extended periods of time. Repressing the urge to crossdress can have significant detrimental effect to you and any loves ones around you due to changes in you as a consequences of this repression.

Some liken crossdressing to an addiction. But, failing exposure to addictive substances through your mother while in womb, you aren't born with an addiction to anything. Many of us rather strongly feel that crossdressing is something that we were born with. For many of us, it was something identified at an early age, a proclivity towards girlish things, a desire to be less masculine and more feminine. For many of us it tracks to innate tendencies and desires. I remember being 4 years old seeing Catwoman tied up on a conveyor belt going into a machine, and wanting to be dressed like her soooo strongly that I remembered I thought about it for days, yet it wasn't for years that I ever crossdressed. How do you get an addiction for something you never did?

There are addictions that have nothing to do with addictive substances. You can become addicted to video games, the Internet, etc. These are behavioral addictions. But, they do not set in (if at all) until after you do those things. Further, if crossdressing were an addiction, then certainly there'd be some resources out there on the web somewhere about how to kick this addiction. As any recovering alcoholic will tell you, just deciding to quit drinking alcohol isn't enough. Also, there would be stories out there somewhere of how people were able to successfully beat the crossdressing addiction. Yet, there is an absolute lack of such stories, such resources.

I think where crossdressers create massive problems for themselvs in in self denial of who and what they are. It's not easy; there's precious little psychological research into transgender issues in general, much less the subject of crossdressing. It's not like there's rampant support out there for crossdresser to help avoid self denial. Descendant from self denial (in part) is attempting to hide being a crossdresser to loved ones, especially spouses.

Not equating the two, but I think viewing crossdressing as an addiction is akin to viewing homosexuality as an addiction.