Confusion amongst confusion...

[Kittie]

Hey guys and girls, I'm kind of looking for some input from outside my close family about how they (my family) might really feel about me and the way I am. I tend to be very impressionable and perhaps I'm over analysing things going on around me. I've been living as Lacey for 2/3 years now (some of you already know I haven't started treatment yet, I've just tried to 'get by' doing what I can myself). I originally came out to my family with a letter when I was 19/20 and when my mother first read it we were sat on the sofa, I didn't cry but she did and she said she was "sorry". After I came out I started living as Lacey pretty much immediately. This was after years of poor performance at school and college, relating to issues of transexuality and never really feeling like I fit in. My mother used to say that I was "lazy" and that I dont "try" and "never made an effort at school/college". I've never really excelled academically, my mother often tries to tell me that I'm clever but I don't believe I am, the only thing I seem to be good at is artwork and graphic design. So I tried to follow that through by going to University to study Art.

When I applied to the University I was given an unconditional offer not based on grades (because mine have always been appalling) but based on the quality of my artwork. A few days after that interview I recall my mother saying "you only got onto the course because it's an easy course to get on to". That made me feel really great...

Anyway I passed the first year and I know that's because I felt better about telling my mother about my problems and I didn't feel like I was carrying this things on my own, I didn't attend as much as I should have; that was because I had not only the nerves of having to commute to a place that I've never been and not knowing anyone or anything in the area, but by this time I was living as Lacey so the fear factor was doubled by thoughts running through my mind about 'what do people see when they look at me' and constant worries of my deportment etc. Despite these fears I tried to go as much as I could, passed the first year and this time I still got "you never went as much as you should" and "you passed by the skin of your teeth" from my mother. By this time she was fed up of my "not making any effort" and decided that what I needed was to live away from home to get a 'real taste' of life. (Insert my intro. story of me moving to live at university with flatmates and all the incidents that happened along the way).

After all this I recently moved back home with my Mother after quitting university because I failed the second year TWICE because transexuality never goes away, only gets worse and mine has been left untreated destroying my life for that last 2 years. (I have however recently been to my GP and I have been referred to a psychiatrist from whom I am awaiting a phone call!) Now that I'm back at home I'm living with my Mother and my Brother. I returned home after 3 years to find that in my absence my mother has a new job training people at hospital and brother is doing exceptionally well, he passed most of his exams with flying colors, he got a double distinction in music and he has just started a drama/acting course at college. I'm now in a position where I feel like I'm living in the shadow of my younger brother and I feel like I'm a disappointment to my family; I've failed at university, I don't currently have a job (but I'm trying to find one) and my mother and brother now share a bond that is tenfold of what mine and my mothers is. Even now on a weekly basis I'm still getting the same old crap "you failed because you couldn't be bothered", I get so sick of hearing that same god damn line "you can't be bothered". If I couldn't be bothered I wouldn't have tried in the first place. The issues I have with my body have grown so severe that I barely feel able to leave the house and when I try to tell my Mother that I'm like this because things have been left untreated all she says is "you're putting up barriers where there is no barriers" and "you're using your problem as an excuse not to do anything". I'm sorry but being born in the wrong body is a pretty elaborate "excuse". On top of that she lowers and debases my problems by saying things like "you have problems, but you're not disabled, your problem doesn't stop you going out and doing things like a normal person". The things she says just make me feel like utter shit and make me feel like trying LESS not MORE... but she doesn't see that. I can't even talk to her about it because I just end up crying and I don't feel like I'm "allowed" to argue with her. I just can't understand what's what. My brother accepts me for who I am, my mother SAYS she accepts me for who I am yet comes out with all of these things making me feel like a ****ed up waste of space.

Does this mean she accepts me for who I am but doesn't like me?
Or that she accepts who I am but is disappointed that I fail at things?
I don't really know what to make of it, on a day to day basis if there is any anger in the house it is usually directed at me or something that I've done (or not done).
The trouble is for the time being I have to live with it because I can't support myself at the minute and I have nowhere else to go.
*sits in the corner and rocks back and forth* :battingeyelashes:

Free hugs please :sad:.

[Byanca]

:hugs:

It's a bit like me. When I was 21, I couldn't go to university anymore. Or really do anything, and that's 12 years ago. I have sort of retired into my own head. Now I don't have motivation to much anything. My mother keeps calling me and does the same. Not as harsh. Because she knows I would shut down and don't speak to her again if she did, as I do to other people. But the sub context is still the same.

I have managed to get welfare. So the load is off my parents(that is how they have dealt with this, paid their way). I'm also not able to support myself, and never have, as I can barely get through the days. Well, I can in a way. But then I'm living on close to nothing. And that makes it impossible to move in any direction. I also have no interest in making money. And often just hope that I die from hunger by heart attack or something. It's been two days since I have eaten now. I know this is all bad. And I'm really trying to get out of this mess.

So hope you don't end up like me, it's so pointless. I suppose your mother has a point. But goes about it the wrong way

:hugs:

[Faith_G]

:bh: That sounds like a horrible situation! You have GOT to get out of that house, it's killing you. I don't have any magic solutions for doing that, but you need to leave.

[bridget jones]

It took a lot of effort to come out. I hope you overcome your hurdles and live life the way you want. Keep your head up,priss around and get it done. Best of luck to you.

[Traci Elizabeth]

At the risk of being beaten up here, I read in your words a very immature person. You seem to have the "Poor Me" syndrome. You seem to also be blaming all of your "woes" on being born in the "wrong" body. That's a too easy scape goat.

Perhaps your perception of what your Mom is also trying to say to you is distorted by your own easiness at finding excuses for your actions or lack of actions or perceived failures.

I do think that the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some counseling. You are in the UK, don't you have free or guaranteed medical services?

I really think you are a good candidate for some professional help.

Get it and you will feel better about yourself, your mom, and your brother. And with that help, you can start to move forward in your life and start living it as an active participating member who may or not be transgendered. Neither status prevents you for moving forward is a positive direction.

[Steph.TS]

I have to say I agree with Traci, I believe I'm TS as well, but I did fine in school at points I was an A student. I find that being TS, I'm frustrated because I can't be who I think I should be, I want to be able to walk outside with a wonderful figure, wearing a nice casual dress or tight jeans, or something to make me feel sexy and confident. my carreer hasn't been easy as I was always the easy target for people to pick on (while I was trying to fit in) but I know that what I do for a living, I'm good at it, and always looking to improve.

Lacey-D, I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you are more comfortable with your fem self than I am with my fem self. I hope you make progress in finding out more about who you were meant to be. I know I look forward to feeling comfortable in my own skin...

[Byanca]

I read in your words a very immature person.
This is normal for many TG's, as one stops evolving as puberty hits. Some just lacks that ability to blend in with masculinity, and just rejects it. And will remain teenage girls if not helped.

It's a very bad place to mature in. And one gets paralysed to do anything about it. It's like those people who have been kept prisoners for a long time and don't want to be let free. Rape victims have the same issues. Giving orders is not going to help.

[Fab Karen]

You said you feel like you're "not allowed" to argue with her- it sounds like it'd be good for you to talk with a therapist about it. The gender identity issue is important, but sounds like you need to work on self-esteem, doing what's right for you & letting go of need for your mother's approval ( wanting & needing being two different things ).
It's not really clear if she accepts you, it does sound like disappointment about you failing at things.

[Jay Cee]

As requested: :hugs:

It is a tough situation, and it won't be resolved overnight. I'm trying to think the way my gf does (she's gifted in the insight and understanding department), and here's what I've come up with:

1) Your mother is unlikely to change. What you have described is the way she shows love and concern. Unfortunately, it isn't very effective, but it is the only way she knows how to communicate. Accept her for who she is, and go from there. Tune out the parts that annoy you, and look for the love underlying the words.

2) While you cannot change her, your perception of your situation can change. Yes, you are a TS. That won't change. However, you can choose to accept yourself for who you are, at this time in your life. You know that someday you are going to change your gender to match your spirit, at some time in the future.

That, however, is going to take some effort on your part. So, that may mean going to class, doing the homework, maybe working a couple of jobs. Sacrifice, work, time. It WILL all come together some day. Be patient.

By all means, go for counselling / therapy. Read some books on it. Whatever it takes to get you through this, so that you can move on with your life.

Wishing you the best, Lacey. Have faith in yourself.

Jessie

[Steph.TS]

This is normal for many TG's, as one stops evolving as puberty hits. Some just lacks that ability to blend in with masculinity, and just rejects it. And will remain teenage girls if not helped.

It's a very bad place to mature in. And one gets paralysed to do anything about it. It's like those people who have been kept prisoners for a long time and don't want to be let free. Rape victims have the same issues. Giving orders is not going to help.
I guess you're right I heard a while ago that emotional distress hampers maturing, look at me, I'm in my late 20s and I'm still looking to my mom for permission to go to therapy or whatever, I don't even feel comfortable moving out yet. good luck Lacey-D, progressing is difficult.

[Victoria Anne]

Lacey , I am the father of 5 and am distressed at your situation , there are several things I hear you saying directly or indirectly. The first and please take this in the spirit is intended , you are a young imature person who needs help . You do need to get to a therapist to help you with what seems to be self esteem issues and parental issues , you cannot blame it on trans ,, we all have to take responsability for our actions and for who we are . Life is hard and believe me I know , I came up on my own for the most part after and in all sorts of abuses of a horrible nature , it is not an excuse , I had to pick myself up and deal with it , did being transexual cause problems , hell yes it did and has until now but I have moved forward and I am telling you as I would my own child YOU CAN DO THIS , you need to apply yourself and get help , it does sound like a change of environment would do you some good but only as a stop gap measure , you need to work with your family as well ,for good or bad you need them . I know it sounds harsh and perhaps it is but you are young , don't let this destroy your life , you have not even begun to live. Get help , and if you can get your mother to go with you it would be helpful but a therapist can advise you better on that , I will just say this last thing , YOU CAN BE A HAPPY SUCCESSFUL GIRL . You have my support and best wishes Lacey don't , please don't let your life go to waste .

Okay one more thing , :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::h ugs::hugs

[Kittie]

At the risk of being beaten up here, I read in your words a very immature person. You seem to have the "Poor Me" syndrome. You seem to also be blaming all of your "woes" on being born in the "wrong" body. That's a too easy scape goat.

Perhaps your perception of what your Mom is also trying to say to you is distorted by your own easiness at finding excuses for your actions or lack of actions or perceived failures.

I do think that the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some counseling. You are in the UK, don't you have free or guaranteed medical services?

I really think you are a good candidate for some professional help.

Get it and you will feel better about yourself, your mom, and your brother. And with that help, you can start to move forward in your life and start living it as an active participating member who may or not be transgendered. Neither status prevents you for moving forward is a positive direction.

I read in your words a very immature person. You seem to have the "Poor Me" syndrome. You seem to also be blaming all of your "woes" on being born in the "wrong" body. That's a too easy scape goat.

You don't need to tell me I'm immature, I don't feel like an adult, I don't claim to act as such. I don't use it as a scape-goat (I want to fix my issues, not let them continue..?). The way my Mother is with me sometimes makes me feel like she doesn't understand how difficult it is for me to wake up and want to live life in this state. Other times it makes me question her acceptance. You have read into what I have said exactly as my Mother would, misunderstanding the meaning and throwing away positive steps I've tried to take and focusing on apparent 'immature' behaviouralism. Furthermore how can someone be expected to mature in the gender role society has lovingly labelled them with when you've known most of your life that it's wrong? Why would I WANT to mature as such? I want to keep hold of as much of my youth as I can throughout transition and try to relive things as they should have been, if that means being a little immature at times then so be it. o:

Perhaps your perception of what your Mom is also trying to say to you is distorted by your own easiness at finding excuses for your actions or lack of actions or perceived failures.

Why would you describe it as an excuse? That's the same principal as saying a disabled person uses their disability as an 'excuse'. I'm not trying to excuse the way I am, I'm trying to fix my issues and I'd like to have my mother going through it with me on positive terms. I try to describe what's going on in my mind so that she can understand things more, but I don't get the chance because a lot of the time anything I say gets cast-off as 'crap'.

I do think that the best thing you can do for yourself is to get some counseling. You are in the UK, don't you have free or guaranteed medical services?

We have the National Health Service and the current financial climate of the UK means that the NHS are having a lot of cut-backs, they are now 'prioritising' and I'm afraid transexualism doesn't count as a priority but that hasn't stopped me trying; I do believe in my first post I said I'd been to my GP to try and start solving my gender issues. ^.^

I really think you are a good candidate for some professional help.
Actively seeking. Never denied this.

Get it and you will feel better about yourself, your mom, and your brother. And with that help, you can start to move forward in your life and start living it as an active participating member who may or not be transgendered. Neither status prevents you for moving forward is a positive direction.

As above. Yes moving forward is a positive thing, being made to feel like a failure through negative words when I've quite clearly tried to get on with my life whilst carrying these issues, is not positive.


I have to say I agree with Traci, I believe I'm TS as well, but I did fine in school at points I was an A student. I find that being TS, I'm frustrated because I can't be who I think I should be, I want to be able to walk outside with a wonderful figure, wearing a nice casual dress or tight jeans, or something to make me feel sexy and confident. my carreer hasn't been easy as I was always the easy target for people to pick on (while I was trying to fit in) but I know that what I do for a living, I'm good at it, and always looking to improve.

Lacey-D, I wish you the best of luck, it sounds like you are more comfortable with your fem self than I am with my fem self. I hope you make progress in finding out more about who you were meant to be. I know I look forward to feeling comfortable in my own skin...

We all deal with things differently, I never found it easy to concentrate on my studies because for what seems like forever I've had this single unyielding thought filling up my mind. I wouldn't say I was comfortable, I do go out as Lacey but while I'm out I have the constantfeeling that people can read me like a large print book. I also look forward to being comfortable and living life as I feel it should be, it's just hard right now while the body doesn't match.


This is normal for many TG's, as one stops evolving as puberty hits. Some just lacks that ability to blend in with masculinity, and just rejects it. And will remain teenage girls if not helped.

It's a very bad place to mature in. And one gets paralysed to do anything about it. It's like those people who have been kept prisoners for a long time and don't want to be let free. Rape victims have the same issues. Giving orders is not going to help.

Described perfectly thank you Byanca. <3 x

[Traci Elizabeth]

At the sake of being redundant, I urge you to seek professional help. I don't think that you would be on the low end of the UK Medical priority list if you genuinely needed help which you do. No one says you have to self-diagnose and pronounce that your problem is you are "transsexual." After all, you may or may NOT be but in either case, it does not sound like that is your primary need. From all your responses collectively, you display signs of needing much more basic help than simply being "transgendered."

I know Byanca means well but you are too quick to jump on board with those who say what you want to hear.

You have asked for help which is a good thing but don't expect us to patronize you.

You have made some unrealistic and self-lowness statements that are inductive of reaching out for help and if I were there in Lancashire, I would help you get to a proper doctor. But I am not so you need to take a more assertive role in your own well being. There is no reason you can not go to a hospital today or tomorrow at the latest, or to call an "Intervention" Center which I am sure you have many there.

Reaching out here is a positive step but none of us are professionals and can only give you our opinions and our years of wisdom to ponder over. Taking our words as gospel can be risky business in and of itself especially if you rely on them in lieu of seeking help that will actual improve your mental state. So get off here and get on the phone and get the help you need now.

[Kittie]

At the sake of being redundant, I urge you to seek professional help. I don't think that you would be on the low end of the UK Medical priority list if you genuinely needed help which you do. No one says you have to self-diagnose and pronounce that your problem is you are "transsexual." After all, you may or may NOT be but in either case, it does not sound like that is your primary need. From all your responses collectively, you display signs of needing much more basic help than simply being "transgendered."

I know Byanca means well but you are too quick to jump on board with those who say what you want to hear.

You have asked for help which is a good thing but don't expect us to patronize you.

You have made some unrealistic and self-lowness statements that are inductive of reaching out for help and if I were there in Lancashire, I would help you get to a proper doctor. But I am not so you need to take a more assertive role in your own well being. There is no reason you can not go to a hospital today or tomorrow at the latest, or to call an "Intervention" Center which I am sure you have many there.

Reaching out here is a positive step but none of us are professionals and can only give you our opinions and our years of wisdom to ponder over. Taking our words as gospel can be risky business in and of itself especially if you rely on them in lieu of seeking help that will actual improve your mental state. So get off here and get on the phone and get the help you need now.


Most if not all my issues are connected to gender dysphoria, what 'basic help' do you speak of?

In my introduction thread (now deleted) I did say I had not yet sought help, but I am taking steps to do so, no I haven't been officially diagnosed, I'm going off what I feel, what I believe and what I've researched. Please lay off the comments that trash that. If I'm taking things the wrong way, I'm sorry, I'm not in a particularly good mood.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Lacy, when we start to diagnose our self and think we have all the answers is when we need help the most. You keep stating that all your issues are gender connected. Many times in life, we can't see the forest because of the trees.

Do yourself a favor and take the next step as I suggested in my last post. Call today. No later than tomorrow. If you are 100% correct that all your issues are gender connected then you have lost NOTHING for the effort. BUT if it turns out that you have bigger deeper issues then you will have EVERYTHING to gain. If you do nothing else, trust me on this and call. Traci

[Hope]

Lacey, I hear a lot of pain your posts, but I hear a lot of self-sabotage too.

It sounds like your mother is a first-class control freak, and it sounds to me like she likes having you around to belittle and control. That is NO fun. But it is not an excuse either. You have to decide that you don't want to put up with that any more. You have to decide that you want something different. And then you have to go out and get it. It is hard, and no fun, but if you want something better in your life - you have to go get it. The world is frightening and unfriendly in lots of different ways. And it is even worse for us who live with gender related issues - we have all of the problems everyone else faces, with the gender junk heaped on top of it.

I hear you, it is hard. You will hear NOTHING but sympathy from me about that.

But you have SUCH a leg up on so many of the girls here. You are obviously very passable, you have identified this issue, and come to terms with it at a much younger age than most of us, and you have ready access to care. You have a family that has not kicked you out or cut you off from their lives. You have had the opportunity to go to college.

Is gender dysphoria fun? Hell no. Is it debilitating? Sometimes... but not most of the time. And we can do things that help to make it better. If you have been living as a woman for 2 years, if your roommates didn't catch on, you will have no problems convincing your doctors of your need for care. But you have to do it. You have to decide to do the things that will make the dysphoria better, it will not go away all on it's own, and wishing that it would, won't make it so. You can make it better. There are lots of girls here, and in other places who will provide you with a lot of support, and guidance, and encouragement, but you have to decide to do it.

At the very least, go talk with a therapist about the self-sabotage and about healthy ways you can deal with your mother for the time while you still have to deal with her, and about healthy ways you can go about dealing with the crap she has instilled in you.

[~Emma D~]

Hi Lacey,

Hope you are ok - I'm not going to say do this, do that, I'm coming from a different angle from my own experiences.

Mine is a cautionary tale of what can happen if you dont do anything about it. Briefly:-

Like you, I'm from the North of England, just a different generation, but I would say with a similar background.

I didn't do too bad at school. left when i was 16.

Came out my parents at 17, went very badly. - had an appointment with a Councillor through my GP but never attended due to parents.

I became an angry young person at the time - and was deep into being a football hooligan to try suppress the way I was.

That never lasted, until, I tried again to become myself in my early twenties. Circumstances put me back in my little box again back then.

Anyway, enough of me.

I'm not going to say you should do this or do that, but what I will say that the longer you leave it to talk to someone the harder it gets.

Its now 32 years since I first came out and I'm still no further forward, believe me, if you think 2/3 years is a long time, you aint seen nothing yet - as many on here will testify.

You can blame others, I did and still do after all these years, it eats away at you inside. You cant forgive , particularly yourself..

I'm lucky, I actually built a life that I never expected, but its hasn't changed the way i feel inside and that can be a living hell at times.

As I say, mine is a cautionary tale, you dont want to end up like me

Its up to you how you live your life, just have no regrets as you get older.

[Hali]

Lacey is sad that we are born the way we are and people find it difficult to understand that cos we dont even understand ourselves. My advice to u is believe in urself and try to convince urself that u r alone in this world and its u alone that can decide how ur life goes and u have to succeed no matter wat. Read about motivational books and books that will teach u the tricks of survival. I know money and funding might be an issue but do wat u can to have access to those books.

Parents some how always want us to look and appear "normal" and pursue normal things, so ur mum might be "heart-broken" by u ending up as a TS and on top of that u r not doing much to become successful in life that might be her dilemma so tek it easy with her.

Accept totally that u r a TS then use ur energy for positive things and stop arguing with ur Mum and since she reads the letters u write to her continue to communicate through the letters and wen ever she say those hurtful things tell her that she should stop saying those things and that u'll prove to her that u r not a failure that u r going to make it, that might give her some confidence in u.

Use ur weakness as ur strength, search for that strength inside of u its there for u to tap and transgender pple are known to have some extra energy....lol! Yes and i think am beginning to believe that we have such extra energy.

[AKAMichelle]

You are letting what others say affect you. You need a little narcissim in your life.

I had a son who was told in 8th grade that he would never be college material. He was really smart but he didn't apply himself in school. He suffered in High School and now he is one month away from getting his masters. That is a little more than ordinary college material because he got a bachelors in a degree requiring expert knowledge of Calculus and Physics.

See this is the way we are inside. If we aren't interested and driven then we don't put our best effort into it. My middle son goofed off for several years and now he gets it. He will be starting school in January and he will be the top of his class because he wants it so bad. He is preparing to be a massage therapist and he will be happy doing this because it is something that he really likes.

Whatever you decide to do, remember that it is your life. You are the only person who can improve or destroy your life. If you want to live your dream then go out there and get it. You just need to get some determination and quit listening to others telling you that you can't do something.

P.S. Sometimes parents try reverse psychology on their kids to motivate them to achieve. This may be what is happening but the cure is to be so determined that you are going to live your life on your terms. As the person you are and not anyone prevent you from being a successful and happy you.



LAW OF AUTOSUGGESTION



If you think you are beaten, you are,
If you think you dare not, you don’t,
If you like to win, but think you can’t,
It is almost certain you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’re lost,
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow’s will-
Its all in the state of mind.

If you think you are outclassed, you are,
You’ve got to think high to rise,
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win a prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or later the man who wins
Is the man WHO THINKS HE CAN!


Now let's go explore the world and find where you fit into it. You have everything to be happy in this world so let's go find it. You now have one friend who will push you to be all that you can be. You go girl!!!

[Kittie]

Thank you, all of your responses have made me feel a bit better ^.^ x