male/female identity conflict over dressing styles

[*Andrea*]

Hello dear friends!

This is my first philosophic post, and maybe my first long post. I want to bring up a topic related to the conflict of the male and females selves and related to fashion and clothes style!

I am a closeted crossdresser, with an accepting wife that encourages my dressing. I dress because I relieve tension (as many of you have indicated in other posts) and I enjoy it very very much.

However, I have been having a series of thoughts on style identity, or maybe person identity???

As I look at my wardrobe, I see many clothes for many occasions but I end up not liking them! When I think of how that could have happened I recall my shopping experiences as unconsciously looking for stuff that match this criteria:

- what a standard woman wears
- what I have seen on women that look attractive
- what in that moment seems feminine (although it may not be beautiful)
etc...
everything is like if I was emulating a female person which is not me.

Sometimes I look at some women and say: If I was a woman that would be my style! I would only shop a that store! (styles which usually match what I wear in male mode). However, when I shop, I always think: maybe I should not spend that much in female stuff, so I'll get cheaper stuff, since in the end I do not wear it outside and only works for me when I dress in the privacy of home. Example: I love Nine West shoes, however for one pair of NineWests I can get 4 pairs at Payless. This happened some weeks ago. What happened is that the NineWest pair that I liked is very similar to another pair I have, but the Payless ones are all different styles that I did not have. However, if I was a woman (or if it was acceptable to go out dressed!) I would proudly wear the NW pair that I did not buy, and maybe never wear the Payless's that I bought.

How do I explain this? This is what goes on in my mind and has me sometimes thinking.

I find I have to learn to set my mind fully into Raquel ("I am a woman in reality") and be able to transfer my real personality to that woman: the woman my female self wants to be (and dressed as she FEELS she wants to). Versus being mentally set to be an "impersonator of a woman", where my inner likes are not transferred, and I become a woman separated from the real me: the woman my male self wants to see (and dressed as he THINKS is wiser).

Also, maybe it is because I want to be a "normal" woman, that I look for all the "normal" stuff, and that stops me from having my own style! Maybe I am not letting my female self be herself, and just forcing it to be a "standard" woman...?

Now I want to know why it is so hard to accomplish it, and I find many situations:

- the first problem I see is that I shop in male mode! I can't go out dressed, so my mind is in "buy quick and try at home" mode, instead of "take your time and buy the right stuff" mode.
- I'm always thinking on getting what I do not have. Kind of trying to get every item mentioned in those articles: "a woman essential wardrobe"... It is like if I want to have all the variations of styles a woman has, but not the one my inner self would specifically choose.
- Another situation that maybe leads to this is since I am closeted, I do not live real women situations, but I only imagine them so I never have a real need of any outfit. In general as persons, we have repetitive types of everyday life situations (go to church, go to the movies, etc...) and we have "outfit needs" for those situations. As a closet crossdresser I do not have them, so I have to imagine them. Imaginary situations can be a lot! and so dress styles that go with them! and personalities that fit in them!

Finding my true style is something I want to explore in one of those transgender events if I ever get to go to one. But I can't imagine buying clothes for that. Maybe I would take very few of those I have at home and buy everything new to redefine my style.

Is this a normal mental evolution in crossdressing? Maybe every woman goes through this, except she has all her life (childhood, teens years) to go through it, and we, crossdressers, have to go through it faster?

Maybe my female self is arguing with my male self over shopping!?!?!? Am I mad on what my male self has shopped for me?

Anyone has gone through the same?

Raquel Herrera

[sissystephanie]

Raquel,

As a very senior age CD, I have been dressing for many years. At the present time I have way more femionine clothes than I do mens clothes. Probably like 3 or 4 to one. My late wife totally supported my crossdressing and bought clothes for me when I was not with her. Of course, I bought most of my femme clothes myself. Unlike you, I do go out in public dressed so have bought thing dressed both enfemme and in drab. In all my years doing so I have never had a problem like yours.

I do look at other women a lot, to see what they are wearing. But when I go shopping, I buy the things that I think will look best on me! I am not trying to beconme a woman, I have no desire to do so! But I do like to dress and maybe look like one! Unfortunately, a lot of todays feminine clothes don't look good on me. Oh yes, I do try them on in the store! Never have had a problem doing that. In fact, some SA's who know me will ask if I want to start a dressing room when I walk into the store!

As I said, I buy things that look good on me. I dress to please me, not other people! My late wife always loved my choices, and usually had me pick out clothes for her!! Finding your "style" is not that hard. Because you, like everybody else, have many different styles! That is, unless you are "Goth" or something else like that. If you are just a normal person, which I think you are, your style should be set for whatever the occasion is. A party, or just eating dinner, or relaxing, etc. Buy clothes that YOU like, and that look good on you! The problem will take care of itself!!