Working as a man while living at home as myself

[tanyalynn51]

I think I have said before that I have to work as a man, while I live at home as a woman. I was thinking tonite that maybe I havent told the whole story. I dont work 8 hour days- I live at my job from friday night until monday morning. I have to have such a careful mask up- projecting a macho mask isnt just necissary for the job in itself, but survival- I work with the homeless. I used to live in that world. The problem is now, as I have been going to counseling, I see myself bleeding around the mask. Not really mannerisms or things like that yet, but working a schedule like that is very exhausting. When i get tired is when Im liable to let it slip. I almost said something about my appointment with my counselor this week to a guy there that has been one of my best friends for years. The problem with letting anything slip is that I work at a religious place- a Rescue Mission. I am still dealing with the aspects of that part of who I am, without bringing work into it. The Mission's general attitude about it is that tg people arent treated any different than others, as far as the homeless goes, but staff is definitely a different story. If that part sounds like discrimination, we sign a contract when we're hired that negates that. If anyone has any ideas on how to deal with all or part of this (short of quitting- thats not an option)- please let me know.

[Faith_G]

I got nothing. I've been unsuccessful more times than not when it comes to convincing religious people that this is not a moral issue. Find another job.

[tanyalynn51]

I am trying to find another job, Faith. I dont know if I would use the word calling anymore, but this is more than a job to me. I am making a difference, not just with feeding people or handing out clothes, but just that they know that Ive been where they are at, way more than any but a couple of others on staff. The Mission itself's program saved my life- I had lived on the streets for 17 years before I went through the program there. All I can say is that I spend a fair amount of time in counselling sessions going through this with my counselor. As the same insurance I have is available to the homeless under certain conditions, she has had plenty of patients that she can relate to me. My goal is to find a non- religious shelter somewhere in a city that is still liberal minded about tg people.

[Faith_G]

If you have found your calling, you will find a way to continue the same kind of ministry - whether there or elsewhere. :hugs: Thanks for what you are doing, I didn't mean to come off as critical.

[Bonnie Lawrence]

Tanya,
33 years of my 35 years as a professional have been spent working for social service and medical settings that were sponsored by religious organizations. The first 22 years I kept my crossdressing a secret from family, friends, colleagues and employers. Over the past 13 years, as I came to understand and accept and express my transgender nature, there were times when I wanted so much to tell someone (or everyone!) about the real me. After disclosing my CD/TG secret to the wrong people (certain family members and colleagues) early on and suffering the consequences, I am now very select to whom I reveal my femme side. Of course, this personal choice is in context of the fact that I do not plan to fully transition and I am about 5 years from retirement. Two lifelong friends, a supportive second wife, some GLBT friends and colleagues, and other CD/TG/TS folks know and fully accept Bonnie.

Use your counselor as a sounding board to develop healthy boundaries and a wise plan so you disclose your transgenderness to the right people and at the right times. And, as Faith G. observed, you may need to leave the Mission if you plan to come out all the way and/or transition. Conservative, religious institutions and employers will not change their fiercely-held stands against transgenderness and other similar issues. Even more progressive religious organizations who willingly serve GLBT clients may be less accepting of GLBT employees.

Good luck, Tanya! May the love and wisdom of a trusted few guide you!

Bonnie

[TerryTerri]

If that part sounds like discrimination, we sign a contract when we're hired that negates that.

I'm unfamiliar with the labor laws of New Mexico and the applicable federal laws. But, darling you can NOT sign a contract and negate your legal labor rights. Any piece of paper with a signature trying to diminsh your rights is basically worthless.
If you get paid wages and are considered an employee, you have the legal labor law rights that any other citizen of New Mexico and the United States has.
However, please don't take my 2 cents worth. Check it out for yourself. But, I'm pretty sure a company can't simply have you sign a piece of paper (a contract) and that negates your legal labor law rights. If that were the case, ALL COMPANIES would have their employees sign away their labor law rights as a condition of employment.

Regardless to all this stuff, Good Luck to you! And, I'm glad to see you have climbed out of your hell and are helping others have the chance to do the same. That really ROCKS!!!!!

[CharleneT]

I do not know if there are any Mennonite groups in your area or not, but if there are, try them. I have a friend who works with the Mennonite Relief group here and she is post-op, passes well, but also told them from the gitgo about her past. They are very accepting of TG folks, even in staffing. At least here, I should say.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Living your life as "you" is more than enough "payback" for the mission for saving your life in your homeless years. As Faith has stated, if that is something you still want to do, then find a way to do it with or without the "not-for-profit" organizations.

If this desire is so strong within you, there is nothing stopping you from visiting homeless areas you know of and just handing out clothes, food, sanitary items, blankets, etc. on your own.

But I do think that you would be happier if you moved forward with your life as "you" and not live it a certain way out of gratitude to what others have done for you. Ber thankful, yes. But move forward.

[Melody Moore]

If that part sounds like discrimination, we sign a contract when we're hired that negates that. If anyone has any ideas on how to deal with all or part of this (short of quitting- thats not an option)- please let me know.


Any piece of paper with a signature trying to diminsh your rights is basically worthless.

I am 100% sure Tanya what Terri has said is correct... if you look into this that you will find that it is illegal for any company, organisation or business to force an employee to sign any contract as an attempt to waiver their rights to protection against discrimination that established in state & federal law.

[tanyalynn51]

I do not know if there are any Mennonite groups in your area or not, but if there are, try them. I have a friend who works with the Mennonite Relief group here and she is post-op, passes well, but also told them from the gitgo about her past. They are very accepting of TG folks, even in staffing. At least here, I should say.

This is a very good idea- we even have a number of Mennonite groups that support and volunteer at the Mission. I enjoy talking to them, and have the utmost respect for them. Thanks, Charlene.

[tanyalynn51]

Should add the note that my counselor told me in our session today that I need to start getting prepared for the inevitable. It is going to happen- I cant avoid it forever. Between this and the fact that I have to go tell my new primary doctor tomorrow that I am tg, I decided to do what any sane girl would do- I went shopping. Not enfemme, but for some reason noone really pays attention in this thrift store anyway. I got a new skirt and blouse, a new babydoll nightgown, and various other sundries. In the words of the late great John Asten (as Buddy on Night Court)- "I was having a really bad day- But Im Feeling Much Better Now...."

[Faith_G]

I have to add that I've had mostly good experiences with Mennonite folks myself. As far as acceptance inside Mennonite organizations, that varies. Some are and some are not.

I'll tell you what, if I had the opportunity to work for a Mennonite ministry and the only condition they put on me was I had to wear plain cotton dresses and cover my head with a doily like all the other women, I think I'd be OK with that.

[Olivia2]

Tanya,

You seem to have the right idea about looking for another shelter in the city. What about other social service agencies that may offer many services, which may or may not include services to the homeless. Is there an HIV/AIDS agency in Albuquerque? They probably have several programs and from personal experience from having worked in such an organization, there were TG clients, volunteers, and paid staff there. Best of luck and prayers are with you.

Olivia

[Rianna Humble]

When the going gets tough, the sane people go shopping
Should add the note that my counselor told me in our session today that I need to start getting prepared for the inevitable. It is going to happen- I cant avoid it forever. Between this and the fact that I have to go tell my new primary doctor tomorrow that I am tg, I decided to do what any sane girl would do- I went shopping.

That is definitely the best thing a girl can do. Why don't men understand?