Ashley Williams
09-28-2010, 11:43 AM
Did I jump, or was I pushed? (Apologies in advance for the length of this post!)
Sometimes it is difficult, when so much happens in a short space of time, to recall even a recent chain of events, yet the passage of years can often lend clarity.
A little over 3 years ago I joined this forum, amazed and in awe at the riches so easily accessible. Others' experience and the advice available through the different threads were a gold mine where years previously there had been barren rock.
I was sorely in need of that advice and shared experience to see my situation as more hopeful than the despair I then felt. Having been in 'purge' for about 10 years, my need to dress (almost exclusively underwear) had suddenly returned like a train out of the night.
Problem was, I was then on holiday with my wife of 8 years. I had told her, shortly after we met, about the role dressing had played in my life up until 2 years previously. I hoped, and she certainly believed, that this was the last we would hear of it.
The holiday was ruined. I was tense, anxious and uncertain. She was mystified. We had always had wonderful holidays. She knew that she was not on best form herself, having recently entered an early and powerfully disruptive menopause, but she could tell that there was more to it than that.
Thanks to this forum, I realised
a) I was not alone
b) My needs, now back and re-expressed, were very unlikely to go away again
c) That I had to tell my wife.
Other forums and information sources confirmed this in my mind.
You can probably imagine my dilemma.
Well – the resultant depression I dropped into took me, via my General Practitioner, back into counselling where I thought a resolution might be found.
Instead, the attitudes had changed so much since my last need for such services that his conclusion verged on the opinion that it wasn't really such a big deal! Certainly nothing to be depressed about – people are evolving all the time, he offered … imagine you were a golf fanatic – how would she feel then?
His lightness of tone did not really encourage me, and by December I could no longer keep silent. A few days before Christmas, I explained the reason for my by-now obvious distress. My timing might have been better, but the result would probably have been the same.
Our world imploded in the space of one sentence.
I offered reading material; I offered to go to see someone with her, but what she really wanted was an explanation – and that was precisely what I could not provide.
She claimed that all the opinions and help I had obtained were subjective – so I wrote to the agony aunt of a National Newspaper. This was what she published.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/feb/17/familyandrelationships
(Not long after I joined the forum I posted this link – but many newcomers to the site may find it informative or helpful. However, for copyright reasons it may not be viewable by users in the US and Canada. If this is the case and you would like me to send you the text, PM me and I would be happy to do so.)
The essence of the advice was give your wife time, but be prepared to make a difficult choice at some point down the line.
On 25th July, a few days before my 55th birthday, that point was reached when I left my home and my wife at her request.
By one of those ironies that people wouldn't believe if it was in a novel, I have returned to the place where we spent that holiday from hell, as it is ours to use any time between March and December and a sensible temporary refuge.
So here I am. A new life to be forged, many decisions to work through and 3 + years of pain and uncertainty to redeem.
I have made a rapid start, recently spending my first full day out in London, (wearing the dress in my Profile Picture). I got there and back by train, underground and on foot.
I have tied up again with a network of valuable friends made in the area during a work contract that involved using here and a room in Norwich as a weekday base.
I have even changed my legal name, although I have had to opt for one that could be either gender as I am far from the point of being able to work full-time in female mode.
The question is, did I initiate the break-up by being unable to stop that train, or was I pushed onto the proverbial tracks by the social challenge of who I am?
I will never know - probably – but I do know this. Without forums such as crossdressers.com I might have ended up in front of a real train!
Thank you.
Sometimes it is difficult, when so much happens in a short space of time, to recall even a recent chain of events, yet the passage of years can often lend clarity.
A little over 3 years ago I joined this forum, amazed and in awe at the riches so easily accessible. Others' experience and the advice available through the different threads were a gold mine where years previously there had been barren rock.
I was sorely in need of that advice and shared experience to see my situation as more hopeful than the despair I then felt. Having been in 'purge' for about 10 years, my need to dress (almost exclusively underwear) had suddenly returned like a train out of the night.
Problem was, I was then on holiday with my wife of 8 years. I had told her, shortly after we met, about the role dressing had played in my life up until 2 years previously. I hoped, and she certainly believed, that this was the last we would hear of it.
The holiday was ruined. I was tense, anxious and uncertain. She was mystified. We had always had wonderful holidays. She knew that she was not on best form herself, having recently entered an early and powerfully disruptive menopause, but she could tell that there was more to it than that.
Thanks to this forum, I realised
a) I was not alone
b) My needs, now back and re-expressed, were very unlikely to go away again
c) That I had to tell my wife.
Other forums and information sources confirmed this in my mind.
You can probably imagine my dilemma.
Well – the resultant depression I dropped into took me, via my General Practitioner, back into counselling where I thought a resolution might be found.
Instead, the attitudes had changed so much since my last need for such services that his conclusion verged on the opinion that it wasn't really such a big deal! Certainly nothing to be depressed about – people are evolving all the time, he offered … imagine you were a golf fanatic – how would she feel then?
His lightness of tone did not really encourage me, and by December I could no longer keep silent. A few days before Christmas, I explained the reason for my by-now obvious distress. My timing might have been better, but the result would probably have been the same.
Our world imploded in the space of one sentence.
I offered reading material; I offered to go to see someone with her, but what she really wanted was an explanation – and that was precisely what I could not provide.
She claimed that all the opinions and help I had obtained were subjective – so I wrote to the agony aunt of a National Newspaper. This was what she published.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/feb/17/familyandrelationships
(Not long after I joined the forum I posted this link – but many newcomers to the site may find it informative or helpful. However, for copyright reasons it may not be viewable by users in the US and Canada. If this is the case and you would like me to send you the text, PM me and I would be happy to do so.)
The essence of the advice was give your wife time, but be prepared to make a difficult choice at some point down the line.
On 25th July, a few days before my 55th birthday, that point was reached when I left my home and my wife at her request.
By one of those ironies that people wouldn't believe if it was in a novel, I have returned to the place where we spent that holiday from hell, as it is ours to use any time between March and December and a sensible temporary refuge.
So here I am. A new life to be forged, many decisions to work through and 3 + years of pain and uncertainty to redeem.
I have made a rapid start, recently spending my first full day out in London, (wearing the dress in my Profile Picture). I got there and back by train, underground and on foot.
I have tied up again with a network of valuable friends made in the area during a work contract that involved using here and a room in Norwich as a weekday base.
I have even changed my legal name, although I have had to opt for one that could be either gender as I am far from the point of being able to work full-time in female mode.
The question is, did I initiate the break-up by being unable to stop that train, or was I pushed onto the proverbial tracks by the social challenge of who I am?
I will never know - probably – but I do know this. Without forums such as crossdressers.com I might have ended up in front of a real train!
Thank you.