some things i've learned...or think i've learned

[Kaitlyn Michele]

So I have been doing ok...i am unmotivated to work (or find work in my case)..post srs i have felt some emptiness ...its not centered around what i did...i can not express enough how "normal" i feel ...

the emptiness is centered around everything else...other than my instincts in taking care of my kids and family, nothing else seems to matter...i can't find interest in things...that could be considered depression and perhaps there is some depression ...but i think its more about the fact that i've lived 45 years only wanting and needing ONE THING...and now i have that thing...so what next?? this ONE THING dominated my life so much that I never considered for one second what I was going to do afterwards... I know i overanalyze, but its true

i'm thinking this is common (she says with her fingers crossed) among post srs girls...

on the bright side i am trying to take an overall attitude that if i can transition through all the physical and emotional pain and still be do well, then i can do anything!...financial profile going down the tubes? well i can do it! i have to beleive that I'll be able find a way to make cash flow...

but in the short run, all things considered, im feeling a little blue

the other thing i want to say is that i've met alot of folks like me that lived a whole life prior to transition...if you are spending most of your waking thoughts wondering if you are transsexual, then you are a transsexual.. you may be going through alot of craziness in your head, and there is a prospect of losing everything you have in the world...you may be deeply ashamed at the way you feel about yourself..feeling ashamed is a terrible way to live...one of the thoughts i had is this..."if i am stuck being ashamed of myself for the rest of my life, then i might as well get the benefits of it.."..i was literally that pragmatic about it..it was all i thought about

if your brain is spinning around in never ending circles..
your best course of action is to deal with it sooner than later...over and over again i have seen (including my own case) girls make the mistake of spending all their energy obsessing over why? and am i trans?? why am i trans?? type questions..and not on, what am i going to do about??? can i transition? what are my impediments? am i afraid of being laughed at?? what can i do RIGHT NOW to put me in the best position to transition?? these are the right questions...and i can say that when you take the crazy emotional part OUT OF THE EQUATION...you are faced with a very basic battle plan to live your best quality of life... and that may or may not include transition..people muddle by and i have alot of good friends that are pretty happy, even though they will likely not transition...

anyway...thats just sharing some thoughts ...btw..i got approached at the supermarket by a guy that worked there...he made a comment about cereal i bought and i responded with joke and he immediately told me i had pretty eyes, and that i always looked so happy and friendly....!!!!
ummmmmm....:D

he proceeded to also blurt out that he didnt mind the age difference, and with a wink!!! yes a wink. he said "and i really dig tall girls"...
ummmm....:doh:

unfortunately i was so elated i responded much more like i wanted to see him than i felt...and he works at my local supermarket...i think i can never go there again!!

[Asako]

I do believe your problem is just as you said it. You are aimless right now. No goals or anything because you got that one thing you wanted and needed so badly. Guess what? Now you get to live life as a normal person until the end of your days. It might take you a while to get used to that. After all, your internal balance just got upset something fierce and it will take time for you to settle into a normal life. Just the .02 of the village idiot who's fighting her own fears right now.

[Melissa A.]

Hey sister,

I would think that you are right that your malaise could be a perfectly average reaction to reaching a goal that you have thought about for so long. I haven't reached that particular pinnacle as of yet, but on a somewhat lesser scale, I had much the same reaction to going full-time. A comfort, and then a general lack of direction set in. I let alot of things go. Maybe it was because I knew that SRS was still a ways off, maybe it was the excitement of moving to a new(old) city and meeting so many great people, and beginning a whole new social life, with folks who have now only known me as Melissa, but it has taken me the better part of a year to re-focus and realise that the new car smell is wearing off. Now I've set up as a % of my direct deposit, an account with one of my credit unions that is about a thousand miles away, and NO ATM card! But transition aside, I think we need things to look forward to, simply put, and the reassurance that we all feel blue sometimes, even if we know it, intellectually. My voice(another thing I have let go for a long while, ugh!) is only a couple of rings away, sweetie.

Oh. my. gosh. You are so not alone! I become such a flustered goofball WHENEVER a guy shows any interest in me! I need counseling, starting with some teenage girls, to tutor me, and get me used to this!!!

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Faith_G]

Hey Kaitlyn, my therapist already has me looking for the "next thing" - so what you are going through must be very common.

[Pattie O]

I feel very much like you mentioned regarding the am I transexual phase? ;I keep revisiting this and trying to deny the feelings I have but I keep coming back to researching more and more about transitioning and now I find I am more interested in finding suitable accessories for my wardrobe and the sexual or fetish part of crossdressing seems to be reducing and the dreaming of living as a woman becoming more and more frustrating due to commitments etc.I feel like I am putting my future life on hold until the cosmos falls into place.It seems so distant but I know I want to get there,somehow.

[Veronica_Jean]

Kaytlin,

It must be something in the air I think. I was taking a shower the other day and suddenly I just felt so empty and alone. Why is it I do this while in the shower? I cried a bit on and off, but mostly just felt this deep emptiness that is could not quite understand.

As you know I have yet to get the surgery, but I live full time and have been feeling the post transition calm and peace that I never realized could exist!!

I eventually realized I was feeling lonely. I guess it had been such a long time, or I didn't really feel things this way before that it took a while to get sorted out n my mind.

Veronica

[Melissa A.]

Kaytlin,

It must be something in the air I think. I was taking a shower the other day and suddenly I just felt so empty and alone. Why is it I do this while in the shower? I cried a bit on and off, but mostly just felt this deep emptiness that is could not quite understand.

As you know I have yet to get the surgery, but I live full time and have been feeling the post transition calm and peace that I never realized could exist!!

I eventually realized I was feeling lonely. I guess it had been such a long time, or I didn't really feel things this way before that it took a while to get sorted out n my mind.

Veronica

I know that feeling, Veronica. I didn't always. So much time and energy was spent not allowing myself to feel. It took a little while to welcome it into my life. It's a gift, to me.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Rianna Humble]

i have felt some emptiness ...its not centered around what i did...i can not express enough how "normal" i feel ...

the emptiness is centered around everything else...other than my instincts in taking care of my kids and family, nothing else seems to matter...i can't find interest in things...that could be considered depression and perhaps there is some depression ...but i think its more about the fact that i've lived 45 years only wanting and needing ONE THING...and now i have that thing...so what next?? this ONE THING dominated my life so much that I never considered for one second what I was going to do afterwards...

That is a perfectly normal reaction to what is (to say the least) quite a traumatic change in your life. Take the time to get used to being the real you, and I'm sure the rest will fall into place. Have you discussed this with your counsellor?


on the bright side i am trying to take an overall attitude that if i can transition through all the physical and emotional pain and still be do well, then i can do anything!

Atta girl!


...btw..i got approached at the supermarket by a guy that worked there...he made a comment about cereal i bought and i responded with joke and he immediately told me i had pretty eyes, and that i always looked so happy and friendly....!!!!
ummmmmm....:D

he proceeded to also blurt out that he didnt mind the age difference, and with a wink!!! yes a wink. he said "and i really dig tall girls"...
ummmm....:doh:

unfortunately i was so elated i responded much more like i wanted to see him than i felt...and he works at my local supermarket...i think i can never go there again!!

Of course you can go back. Maybe the best thing to do would be to actively seek him out and tell him how flattered you were by his attentions but that on reflection you think that it would be a bad idea to take it beyond a casual friendliness. That way you let him down lightly. :2c:

[Gerrijerry]

Perfectly normal reaction. However you must get beyond it and move on. As others have said now it is time to enjoy life and live it fully again. You should have seen a counselor and talked about this before. You haven't It is time to do that. Like many of the other things you had to go thru. This is just another step to what many call getting back into the flow of the world.