Why am I feeling so much shame?

[Jay Cee]

I don't get it! My gf totally accepts my crossdressing - she's helped my buy femme clothes and makeup; she's bought lingerie for me; we've even made love while I was dressed. Yet some part of me actually feels like I am regressing - I don't want to crossdress unless I am alone. Why is that? Is this shame, or am I missing something?

[Barbara Jo]

I suspect that you feel your crossderssing is making your wife think less of you and this rightfully
upsets you and makes you feel ashamed.

Perhaps you should just dress while alone?

[Sophie86]

I've gotten flashes of that in the past week: A sudden feeling that I'm gonna lose some indefinable something by being too open about my crossdressing.

Respect? Self-respect?

Am I afraid that I'm going to become a laughingstock?

I dunno... I just need to get over it.

[AKAMichelle]

Obviously something is wrong since you feel this way. How do you feel when your gf sees you dressed? How comfortable are you when dressed?

[Jeanna]

Oh yes that dreaded thought. I am thinking that right now as a matter of fact.

[docrobbysherry]

But, I find the actually ACT of dressing, to be VERY PRIVATE!:o

I told an old girl friend about my CDing. We looked at my STASH together one nite. She picked out a few HOT dresses and tried them on. Next, I thot she mite want to take them back to my house and we'd dress up together!:D
Something I've ALWAYS wanted to try! I THOT!:eek:

Suddenly, I panicked! I DIDN'T WANT TO DRESS UP IN FRONT OF HER! Even tho we were intimate at the time!:brolleyes:

[Eva_nine]

i dont like to be seen half dressed either. i like to be all girl or all guy and never in between.

i also dont like to be in girl mode with my wife around. she knows, doesnt really like that i dress but doesnt outright oppose it either. it is my thing i guess i dress as an escape from reality so i dont want reality and my alternate reality to cross if that makes sense.

[juno]

Most likely, it is a learned desire to keep crossdressing private from your early days. It is not that different from being somewhat uncomfortable being nude in front of your SO. Feeling that something is private does not necessarily mean you think it is shameful.

[Michelle 51]

I feel the same way sometimes.I don't know if it's shame or the fact that by dressing in front of her she is getting a look at a extremely private and personal side of me that i keep hidden and don't feel comfortable sharing.

[sherri]

You feel ashamed cuz you're a sick and twisted pervert in high heels.

;-)

Just kidding. It's social conditioning dear, ingrained in you since you were a toddler. Tied in with that is the fear that your SO, who is as much a product of that conditioning as you, might, in spite of best intentions, actually think less of you.

Sound about right?

[eluuzion]

When you look into the mirror you can “see” any image you desire. When you are with others, you are judged by reality.
Reality rarely lives up to the expectations of our fantasies. Fantasies never lose the exhilaration and anticipation that reality always fades.

Fantasies are similar to the Internet, where we can be whoever we want to be and do whatever we dream(ed) of doing, without suffering any of the consequences present in real life. We can also simply “shut down” whenever we like, too. With reality, we cannot do either of those things.

So, armed with our fantasies and the Internet in our quest for “happiness”, it is no wonder we are often disappointed with real life. Real life simply cannot compete.

just my thoughts...

[Hope]

It sounds to me like you are afraid to give up male privilege.

You are comfortable dressing alone, and perhaps even feel like this is nothing to be ashamed of, but you are afraid of other people seeing you dressed because you are afraid of their judgements and thinking that you are less of a man. And you are. Nothing wrong with that. Trust me, getting off the treadmill of fighting for male superiority and dominance is intensely liberating.

[Laurie A]

For what it's worth, I have similar feelings, you are not alone. In my case I am a true introvert, and I wonder if that may part of the reason?

[CalamityJane]

I know just what you mean and used to have the same sort of feelings. It could be a form of shame, that in your eyes you are not conforming to what is expected by people in general, but try not to let it get the better of you as you are lucky to have a fully supportive GF who understands and accepts you for ALL that you are....now you need to fully accept yourself. It could also stem from the fact that you probably have kept your CDing secret for many,many years so now to let your guard down just does not "feel" right because you have always hidden it in the past.

With any luck, and given time and the continuing support of your GF these feelings may subside leaving you free to enjoy yourself as yourself.

[Michelle James]

I also used to feel the same kind of shame, but somewhere along the way i made peace with it. What am I doing that is to be ashamed of? Nothing! it took me 40+ years to get here and it wasn't an easy road, but once I let go of that baggage things have been wonderful.

[Soriya]

It sounds to me like you are afraid to give up male privilege.

You are comfortable dressing alone, and perhaps even feel like this is nothing to be ashamed of, but you are afraid of other people seeing you dressed because you are afraid of their judgements and thinking that you are less of a man. And you are. Nothing wrong with that. Trust me, getting off the treadmill of fighting for male superiority and dominance is intensely liberating.

I was thinking the same thing when I read this but I respectifully disagree it makes him "less of a man". IMO I feel it makes him more of a complete person. If you haven't dressed infront of someone before, that certainly could cause these feelings, especially when we live in a world where cross dressing is generally viewed as odd or a disorder of sorts. Talk with her about how you feel. It is a huge step to have an SO that accepts this part of you as acceptance is something we all want. Perhaps you fear she may like you as a woman more then a man which would also worry you if you are comfortable on your male side as well. :)

Just talk about it with her. Communication is key :)

[Cassi3]

I know just what you mean and used to have the same sort of feelings. It could be a form of shame, that in your eyes you are not conforming to what is expected by people in general, but try not to let it get the better of you as you are lucky to have a fully supportive GF who understands and accepts you for ALL that you are....now you need to fully accept yourself. It could also stem from the fact that you probably have kept your CDing secret for many,many years so now to let your guard down just does not "feel" right because you have always hidden it in the past.

With any luck, and given time and the continuing support of your GF these feelings may subside leaving you free to enjoy yourself as yourself.


Well said. This was very true in my case. For many years I hid it and growing up I was told that it was shameful, satanic behavior, so last year when I started being myself again, I went through this, just take it one day at a time and sort your feelings. I found that keeping a journal during this time, has help me sort those feelings. Maybe talking to your gf will help.

Remember, there is nothing shameful in being yourself or being happy! :D

[Christy_M]

If you haven't dressed infront of someone before, that certainly could cause these feelings, especially when we live in a world where cross dressing is generally viewed as odd or a disorder of sorts. :)

I have to say that I used to dress in front of my first wife and I never felt "good" about it. I was embarassed and petrified that I was doing something that would one-day casue me trouble. Of course that evil B**CH tried to out me to my kids a few years ago so there was clearly something to that but during that period, I think it was more inate than that. I felt shame and couldn't reconcile that internally. I can't imagine dressing in front of my current wife. She doesn't want to see it and I am torn between the pain of not expressing myself and the joy of never having to experience those feelings I had with my first wife.

[Inna]

When you look into the mirror you can “see” any image you desire. When you are with others, you are judged by reality.
Reality rarely lives up to the expectations of our fantasies. Fantasies never lose the exhilaration and anticipation that reality always fades.

Fantasies are similar to the Internet, where we can be whoever we want to be and do whatever we dream(ed) of doing, without suffering any of the consequences present in real life. We can also simply “shut down” whenever we like, too. With reality, we cannot do either of those things.

So, armed with our fantasies and the Internet in our quest for “happiness”, it is no wonder we are often disappointed with real life. Real life simply cannot compete.

just my thoughts...

Spot on! I too believe that being observed brings another set of circumstances to the dream based fantasy. Some time back before HRT I have experienced looking in the mirror, seeing what I wanted to see and then when I looked at the pics I have taken of such event I was seriously depressed. Through our need to see entirely feminine being we tend to twist real image into what we want to see. I was amazed when I realized this process of selective criticism. After all I was pretty good in determining good looking from not so good looking and how could I have missed such while staring at the mirror.

I did an experiment then and got dressed and intentionally focused my attention on my face, OMG, it was a wake up call. While ready in front of the mirror I realized I wasn't looking at my face but mainly at the clothing and silhouette. I forced my eyes to focus on my face. I finally seen what others would have seen. After this very constructive and awaking moment I was determined to become real about this and perhaps change what is changeable. I believe same mechanism is involved when faced with another observer or venturing out into the judging crowd. Sense of being freakish and just plain wrong, man in woman's clothing, unpassable by a mile.
I bet that if our look would be 100% passable and whole mannerism spot on, we would have no such hold ups.

[LitaKelley]

i dont like to be seen half dressed either. i like to be all girl or all guy and never in between.



I'm the same way.


As for the the topic of feeling ashamed.. I used to think something was wrong with me, or thought maybe I was some kind of deviant or weirdo that should keep my desires and urges a deep dark secret.. but then I found crossdressers.com and it's not only helped me accept who I am and what I am, but also to progress and discover my authentic self and sure it's been a little bit of a roller coaster of a ride, but one I'm glad I hopped on, because I do really love this and it's good to find out some of my real life friends are accepting.

[Nicola2876]

Maybe you need cding to be "yours" and the whole ritual of being alone and in secret is tough to break. I hope you do break it as you sound like you have a wonderful partner and sharing this could be awesome. Give it time and i hope the shame goes away. Afterall, we feel ashamed for doing something you both enjoy?

[Lucy_Bella]

Because it was how you where raised to feel if raised anything like me, I was taught as early as my first memories to not wear my sisters clothes. This behavior rubs against the grain of society and no body understood CDing as well as today even tho it is still neglected from full understanding..

I was extra effort , if you may , my step father had to go through more effort and time in me by teaching me to be a male instead of nature playing out it's course..So in hind sight I am a " Freak of Nature " by surprssing my true identity .. Is this making sense? Hard to say my true Identity because of habit, quilt and shame ..

[Patty B.]

I'm sure it has to do with your personality and all the prejudices you've acquired growing up, I'm uncomfortable around my wife for different reasons, even though we've shopped together numerous times. Just have to learn to accept yourself as you are, and you are not going to change, good luck.

[GirlieAmanda]

I hid and quelled my girl self for the last 9 years before July 2010. I felt like it was not shameful but just maybe not the best thing to do for myself and to tried (but failed) to stop because my wife wanted me to. When she found out she of course freaked out. I felt about as low and shameful as possible at that moment. As the weeks went on after promising to never do it again, I realized I could not quell my girl self. I still hid it and denied it to her. Now that has all changed and I am pretty much free to be girlie. She has since moved on to a boyfriend but I'm pretty much free now. We are headed for separation and divorce but I refuse to feel shame. Especially since I found this site. Way too many similar situations and people going through the same issues.