I admit it

[Kokoro]

For years I've had this now, and for years I've tried to brush it aside in some way, or simply ignore it, or pray that it will just go away. But it hasn't. It's always there, sometimes greatly suppressed, at other times almost flowing out of me. But it has always been the same.

I should have been born a girl.


Looking back now, I should have realised long ago. The clues were there in plain sight, intense desires from the bottom of my heart but I continued to ignore them. I remember several occasions praying that I would wake up a girl. I'd try to console myself in some way, maybe I'll be girl in my next life so I should enjoy being a guy now. But it would always creep back.

My therapist eventually convinced me to open up to my female side and I began to fell happier than I had done in years. I stopped seeing my therapist and I began burying my feelings and, again, become miserable. I've been wrestling with myself for the past few weeks now over whether I want to be guy or girl. And something seems to have clicked. I think the girl just K.O.ed the guy. :eek:

I'm going for a psychiatric assessment on 3rd of November and then I'm going to be referred to a gender specialist which will take up to 18 weeks from referral to initial appointment. Over the last few months I've been scared and apprehensive about even the remotest possibility of transitioning. Now I'm looking forward to it as an eventuality. I've been thinking so much about what my life would be like living as a female - though to reword that, it would feel more like I was living my life properly.

It's a kind of revelation really. I want to get started on hormones, I want to transition. Most of all, I want to become my true gender.

[Michelle James]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I must admit sometimes i feel the same, and other times.....

[Melody Moore]

How familiar is this story to most transsexuals?

As you have also found out Kokoro, it never gets any easier - my only regret
about starting HRT & transitioning is 'Why didnt i do it earlier on in my life?'

If you are in a relationship or have familly & friends that could be affected by your decision, then I hope that youve talked to your loved ones and that they are supportive but if they are not & are harshly critical or give you an ultimatum then remember to follow your heart always and live your life for yourself and not for anyone else because we all have a right to be happy and to be at peace from the gender dysphoria. The reason I say this is because often its these people that can either make or break us during our journeys.

Just remember this as a golden rule if ever you encounter any objectionable people - it is these people who have the real issues - not you!

Congratulations for becoming strong to show the rest of the world that you do have more courage than a
lot of other people to live your life as your true self - so you will always have my respect and support always.

Hugs Mel Xx

[Rianna Humble]

I can identify with so much of what you wrote, apart from getting therapy in the past it could almost have been my story.

Good luck with the assessment on 3rd November - remember they are there to make sure you are getting the right treatment, not to judge you. I was nervous as heck before I went in to see the psychiatrist, but she put me at my ease and before long I was telling her all about myself.

I'm currently waiting for my initial appointment at the GIC, but don't regret for one minute the decision I have made to transition - not even when my story was given a typical Sun hatchet job.

[Byanca]

Just like me. I have a psychiatric assessment soon too. The therapist and doctor referred me to the central GID clinic. They do all these cases. But I just got a letter I had to go thorough a psychiatric assessment locally and then they would look at the case again.

I don't have my hopes up. As most are turned away. About 100 people have gotten ok from about 600 they have had in the last 10 years. Surprisingly it's the same number for f->m. 100 ok there too, I used to think there was more m->f. But maybe this have levelled out. Doctors are not allowed to hand out medication unless one is okay from the GID central. I tried before.

Anyway. Lots of things I'm unsure of and so on. I started this process about 6 months ago. In any case I get some people to talk to about this, so don't overly mind if things take a long time. I am however worried I am going to get old before something happens.

[Rianna Humble]

I am however worried I am going to get old before something happens.

Don't worry but that, Byanca - you've got a long way to go before you catch up with me :eek:

[Kokoro]

@ MelodyN - I'm not in a position to come out to my family yet. I want to make sure I have the go ahead from the doctor that I defiantly have gender dysphoria. If I tell them now, and it turns out I don't have it (which I doubt, but I never rule anything out completely) and I'm not allowed to transition then it will be a lot of needless heartache for everyone. As for friends, I have none so there is nothing to lose there (long story).

@ Rianna - It took me a long time to raise the issue with my therapist (which was not the original reason I was there, though it soon became obvious the cause of my chronic depression was linked strongly to my gender dysphoria) and I was eventually able to talk freely with her. I'm seeing another therapist now in addition to going down the GIC road as I still have underlying depression problems that need squashing, and I'm much more at ease telling her about than I did my original therapist. In all honesty I don't really see it as a burden anymore and is merely a part of who I am. For example, I don't exactly relish the thought telling my parents but at the same time I don't have a morbid fear of doing so. Like I said in my OP, something has clicked inside of me and I'm no longer scared or ashamed of who I am.

@ Byanca - I hear about the age factor a lot on this board and every person I've talked to who has gone/going through transition always say the same - I wish I had done it sooner. That's why I want to start my own transition as soon as possible as at the young age of 23 I still have a lot of youth left in me. If things go smoothly, I hope to be living full time as girl by this time next year.