Does anyone prefer that their partner NOT participate?

[Marla GG]

It seems to me that most of the girls here love the idea of their SO participating in their dressing. But I have talked with a few who see it as a private thing and actually prefer not to share it with their wife or girlfriend. I am not talking about those who keep it a secret because they feel their SO wouldn't be accepting; I am talking about those who choose not to involve their SO, regardless of whether she would be accepting or not.

I was wondering if anyone could help me understand this better? I have tried to put myself in your shoes and think about why I might not want my wife or girlfriend involved, and I can think of a few possible reasons, from the noble (not wanting to "burden" her or complicate her life with something you see as your personal problem) to the not-so-noble (not wanting her to be aware of how much money you spend, or where you go and what you do when dressed). Maybe there are some who feel ashamed and embarrassed about their dressing and don't want to compromise their partner's image of them by revealing this side of themselves.

I would appreciate any insight from you ladies. Thank you. :hugs:

[Wendy me]

ok the only way i would not want her to participate is if she felt that she had to ... right now my wife is shall we say on the road to undestanding ....at this point i would love for her to participate but like i said if she doses and it's not her free will than to me that's worse than her not participateing at all.....no one realy feels good or right when thay are uncomfy.... and i do love her enough not to push her to a place were she or myselfe are doing something because we feel we have to ....

[Toyah]

Right second time after computer locked up.
I think I am on the same lines as Wendy in that my knows but usually is not too happy about my dressing. Sometimes like last night she really enjoyed it sat on my lap an cuddled and everything. I think as Toyah I am generally much happier I can let all of life's upsets disappear completely like they are not there. For those that know I am not happy at all at the moment so I think Toyah was a relief.
As for what she does not know, mainly because she does not ask is the cost which is I guess at times high. We do have a simple rule though if we cannot afford cash then we don't get. She has another plus that she get to wear some of my stuff which she would never buy herself, she prefers girly drab.
One thing she does not know about is this site I think she would find it a bit odd but intend to show her sometime soon

[Mx Justina]

Hi!

I not married but I have had close close lesbian companions, and currently in my present suburban locale do share aquaintance with a friendlly accepting female neighbour.

Since I'm not in the "closet", or preoccupied with how I or general society views me...for me it comes down to perceptions of not wanting to "force" my orientation on another person who instinctually may not be receptive...or (with regards my accepting neighbour)...limiting personality facets which I deem as too sensitive (and important to me).

Likely though, the majority of CDs here would likely prefer to have their female SOs involved in their CDing interests...

J.

[Raychel]

I would love for my wife to participate in my mind, but in my heart. I still do not dress in front of her. She pretty much accepts that part of me, and I most always wear something to bed. At times I will get up to go in the bathroom and get undressed so she doesn't have to sleep or be withn that other side of me. She will almost always say when I get back into bed, that I do not have to do that. Meaning take off my niceties. So I guess that maybe she is more accepting than I would like to think. And maybe she is more accepting than I am. :confused: Or maybe I am still somewhat confused about the whole matter. Maybe that is the female side of my brain that I will never understand. But at any rate, my wife is very understanding and I certainly do not want to push the issue. That is why I keep the major part of my dressing private. If she were to ask to see my other side and see me fully dressed, I would be very excited, But also very nervous at the same, Worrying that she will not accept or like what she sees. :)

[Priscilla1018]

My wife is used to the sight of me in panties or a nightie,shaved legs and all.I don't dress completely and may never;I don't dress in the rest of the house because my 92 year old Mother in Law lives with us.My wife sleeps in a bed,I can't,I sleep in my recliner due to back problems.I guess my wife participates as much as I am willing to have her do.In the future,who knows.

[MadisonLee]

My wife and I enjoy the time we spend together as my female self. She helps me pick ouit makeup colours, cloths. She even wants to apply my make up I always say you don t have to because I can do it which I can :) I guess she wants to, so I dont argue. If thats how she was to particapte by applying makeup then who am I to argue with her lol. She does a good job too. She always complents me and means it. I can tell if she were to lie and say I look good when I dont lol but she always says I look good or wow that colour looks good on your being makup or clothing. She wanted me to get a pair of boots that I think are umm ugly lol but I dunno if she likes them then I might lol. I think she is a bit submissive because they were those kinda of boots to my knees and laced up , kinda punk looking lol. We browsed some websites together last night, and she picked out some wigs with different lengths and styles and colours. She said as long as we have the extra money I can get whatever I want :)

Im just waiting for a skirt to come in from Avon looks very nice :) Should be here next week sometime :)

[Ava Mouse]

Marla GG,

Great question...

Well, I don't dress around the wife, as I feel a bit inhibited, not ashamed, just inhibited. CDing is a relaxing, selfish time, and having the wife around, I tend to attend to her needs and am worried about upsetting her or making her feel uncomfortable about it.

In other words, it keeps me in husband/father mode.

I dress to escape, and reminders of who I am is like waking me from a nice dream...

[Katrina]

While I wear girly shoes a lot of the time we are lounging around the house, I do keep other things to a minimum. I would love to have her participate more but I'm not sure (and neither is she) how she would take it. We are in the slow phase-in plan...

[Kimberly]

It's a big jump between CDing, by yourself, in secret... and CDing that you share with someone. I've done it... and it's incredibly nerve racking. First looking at all the clothes, then getting them on for them... But it's highly rewarding!

It's just that first jump ;)

[Julie York]

Hi Marla.
(You've brought me out of retirement with an interesting question! Ta.)


I don't have anyone to share this side of me with....but I can understand not wanting to share it with anyone. I suppose everyone is different, but it is such a private hidden part of some people that it makes them feel incredibly vulnerable. And as much as you might have a partner that would be accepting, sometimes it is just too revealing and scary to open yourself and show such a personal hidden part of yourself. In a way...it is like someone showing you a deformity or weakness that they have spent all their life hiding and NO-ONE KNOWS! It isn't easy to share it, even with the most loving caring person in the world.

Also, there is another angle. A lot of the CD pleasure comes, not from the reality of the clothing or how you look, but how you THINK you look and how you FEEL pretending to be this other person. In reality you might know you look foolish and so don't want to share the 'game' with anyone who will see the reality and therefore make you feel self conscious and rather silly.

Hope that helps.

[Toyah]

Also, there is another angle. A lot of the CD pleasure comes, not from the reality of the clothing or how you look, but how you THINK you look and how you FEEL pretending to be this other person. In reality you might know you look foolish and so don't want to share the 'game' with anyone who will see the reality and therefore make you feel self conscious and rather silly.

Hope that helps.[/QUOTE]

Now that just about sums it up I guess clever you

[Marla GG]

You are all really helping me with your answers, and I want you to know I appreciate your willingness to contribute your thoughts.

Wendy and Toyah: I can understand not wanting to push your wife into things you think she is not ready for. It sounds like you are both being patient with wives and waiting for them to become more comfortable, but meanwhile continuing to enjoy your dressing in private. I can see how how that would be a good compromise.

Justina: If I am understanding you correctly, your decisions about whether (and how much) to disclose are based mostly on your desire to avoid making others uncomfortable. You also mentioned the idea of some information being too sensitive or personal....certainly I can see how this would be a factor, especially in non-intimate or non-committed relationships such as the ones you refer to.

Raychel: You made some really good points I thought. "So I guess that maybe she is more accepting than I would like to think. And maybe she is more accepting than I am".....that may indeed be true! Your situation seems to be that you would like her to participate more if you were sure she would not be turned off by it. I wish you luck hon :hugs:

Priscilla: Thanks for explaining your circumstances....I guess your feminine expression is to some extent constrained by your situation. Your wife sounds very supportive. I wonder, when you say " I guess my wife participates as much as I am willing to have her do," is there any reason (other than the circumstances you mentioned) why you wouldn't be willing to have her participate more? Are there aspects of being Priscilla that you would rather not involve her in? Sorry for being nosy....it's ok if you don't want to answer that.

Ava: I loved your explanation. It was something I hadn't thought of myself and it makes so much sense. Thanks for helping me see this from your perspective.

Julie Y: Thanks for coming out of retirement for me ;) I can completely empathize with the idea that sharing your CD side would be scary, no matter how accepting your partner seemed to be. Your other observation was really interesting as well: "you might know you look foolish and so don't want to share the 'game' with anyone who will see the reality and therefore make you feel self conscious and rather silly." This was a rather eye-opening statement for me to read, and much like Ava's comments, it made me think. I am really glad I asked this question because I am hearing things that I hadn't expected to hear, but that make perfect sense to me once they are explained.

Thanks again for your replies, everyone.

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Marla,

Actually there are no parts of Priscilla that I won't share with my wife,she loves the creative and loving side that is Priscilla.She also has read many of my posts and knows how much being an active member here means to me.I do share everything with her,it's just the living situation that keeps most of my dressing confined to my office.

[Keyplayer74]

Hi Marla -

My feeling on the subject is this.. I wouldn't want my wife to see me all dressed up. Regardless of what she may actually think about it, I would feel ridiculous. I guess I'm a very self-critical person to start with, and would feel completely and totally exposed and uncomfortable. That being said, an intimate encounter would be totally out of the question while dressed (for me at least - probably for her too). It's probably important for you to know that I am totally in the closet with this, and only rarely get to indulge myself. I've only gotten completely dressed a couple of times, and would never dare leave the house. All the other reasons you mentioned.. money, etc. - I had never even given them any thought! But, the thing is, if my wife ever told me I was spending too much money on female clothes - I would probably tend to agree, just from the standpoint that buying those items is completely selfish on my part, and does nothing for anyone else. I hope this answered your question.

[Jenny Beth]

One of the things I found difficult to do in the begining was for my wife to be in the same room with me when I dressed. I had no problem with her seeing me once I was fully dressed but there was something uncomfortable about putting on a bra in front of her. Thankfully those days are behind me now and getting dressed in front of her no matter what I put on is very normal. I would suspect that some CD's feel the same sort of discomfort even though their SO's are accepting. Just a guess.

[Mx Justina]

Justina: If I am understanding you correctly, your decisions about whether (and how much) to disclose are based mostly on your desire to avoid making others uncomfortable. You also mentioned the idea of some information being too sensitive or personal....certainly I can see how this would be a factor, especially in non-intimate or non-committed relationships such as the ones you refer to.


Your interpretation is generally accurate and correct... Why "push" ideas or notions unto someone closely intimate, who is geared by nature to interact or perceive gender associations in specific ways!?...

Also, I don't want to infer that my sensitivity is due to to shame or personal insecurity... quite the opposite, (for all readers of this post) I am and will allways be quite proud of my androgynous potential!!... However, in situational and non-committal relationships there are other safe ways to bond or encourage relationships, without bringing in personal aspects that highlight personal sexuality and sensuality.

J.

[Jasmine Marrie]

i don not want my so to partake of my dressing.

[amandak_tv]

My wife is super supportive and always willing to participate, but I find myself wishing for more chances to dress when she's not around. It's time I can use to pamper myself and be extra careful with everything without her complaining "what's taking so long?". I know it sounds selfish, but it's fun to be so self indulgent sometimes.

[MichelleGray502]

Hello Marla : once again a very good post and lots of good points to think about, For me it wasn't really diffcult dressing in front of 'me wife (cheryl) except for very begining when we first started dating even through she knew about it on our first date we ever had. I don't know why marla but 'th first few times that i got dressed in front of her i was very nervelous in doing it thinking that when she saw me putting on a bra,knickers,tights etc.i throught she might have gotton second ideas about dating me and couldn't handle going out with a cd, But anyhow making a long story short everything just got better with time and never once did she ever throught about leaving me or never will for any reason and i feel 'th same way about her.

Nowadays things are great and i dress when i want to more or less, 'th only time i don't is when i have to go to work or circumstances where i can't and also i never dress in front of 'me 4 year old daughter until she is old enough to understand what's going on until then NO. that's only time when i didn't want to do it in front of Cheryl it's been great since with great support that you already know about.
great post lov.

[nancy58]

Marla,

That's an interesting question. I would like to share crossdressing with my wife, but she has said she's uncomfortable with the idea and isn't ready for it. At the same time, I'm afraid of it. Once recently, I did try on a new nightgown in front of her with her permission, and I was very self-conscious. I am reluctant to press the issue, because I understand she thought she was getting a (reasonably decent-looking) man when she married me, and this sort of tarnishes the appearance of the package.

[mhenry]

I told my GF and she is generally supportive. But, I am all male with her and I don't want to change that or interfer with her image of me...or my own image or relationship with her. So, I'm really the one with the problem, not her. I dress privately. I understand thr pro's of coming out to her etc...I prefer to keep Janet seperate. :)

[Stephanie]

For me, it's not so much me not wanting my wife to participate in my crossdressing but rather my wife not wanting me to crossdress WITHOUT her participation. She actually feels "left out" if I do it and she is not involved in some way, shape, or form so much to the point that she has stated that she does not even want to me to do it unless she is around. Although I can enjoy it doing with or without her participation, frankly, I tend to enjoy doing it more WITH her participation than without it as she has been a big help in terms of encouraging my crossdressing, picking out clothes and accessories for me and helping with fashion tips.

[suchacutie]

Wow...what a thread! I agree with Stepanie. My wife is Tina's girlfriend!

It's so great to be able to ask my girlfriend anything and discuss styles, colors, makeup, sizes, etc. My girlfriend just raves over my legs, has given me some great clothes of hers, and is incredibly patient as Tina learns all there is to learn about being en femme.

To have a super wife in one framework, and a delightful girlfriend in the other is just heaven!

Tina

[Sigrid]

Marla,

It started out like that when I first met my wife 13 years ago. I told her about my crossdressing very early in the relationship but that I really didn't feel comfortable sharing it with her yet. It wasn't that I was uncomfortable dressing in front of her, I had in fact dressed for another in a previous relationship and didn't at all feel uncomfortable or embarrassed then. With my wife, though, it was a couple things. First, the relationship was very new and at the time and I really wasn't dressing too much then. In fact, my dressing declined over the first few years of our marraige and neither of us ever spoke of it again for several years. More ever, my dressing had always been a very private part of my life. It was something I didn't want to have to explain or be judged for. It was something that was uniquely mine and i just wanted it to remain so.

Early this year, however, I told my wife that I wanted to further explore my feminine side. This would include using a wig and makeup for the first time, talking with and perhaps meeting other CD/TG's and even going out in public. She was completely supportive of my decission. Now, we occasionally shop together, she sometimes buys me gifts and offers makeup and fashion tips and as for meeting with other CD's/TG's, I've got her blessing. I let her know that I'd be happy to share this part of my life with her, however, as supportive as she has been, she has shown no desire to see me completely dressed with a wig and makeup. In fact, she has only once looked at pictures of me fully dressed. I have no inhibitions when it comes to dressing up in front of her and done so often to various degrees, I've even painted my finger and toe nails with her. I just sense that now she may feel just a little uncomfortable with the thought of seeing me in a wig and makeup.

Although I'm now quite comfortable with the idea of sharing this side of myself with her, I'm not going to press her into anything she's not ready for. If and when she ever desires to see me fully dressed, I'm sure she'll let me know and I'll happily oblige her.

[Kiera]

I definitely prefer that she participate in my dressing, but in the late it seems that I dress more when she is not around than when she is... I love her SOOOO VERY MUCH and even though she has said that my dressing does not bother her as much as I think it does... (what does that mean anyway)... I am afraid of pushing the issue to far.

Being in the closet as I am, when I dress, it changes our lifestyle for the duration... For one, I cannot go outside for fear of being caught... So anytime something as trivial as checking the mail, picking up a pizza, or taking the trash to the curb becomes her responsibility.

Secondly, being dressed means NO VISITORS.... Keeping her from her friends makes me feel selfish; I don’t want Kiera to be a burden on our relationship...

Third, being partially dressed makes me feel insecure around her... By myself a bra and panties under just a T-shirt around the house is very comfortable, but if she is there to see me like that, I don’t what to look like a guy in a bra... The distinction, female vs. male, is important in my perception of Kiera and I am more self-conscious around her when dressed and I do not look convincingly female.

I love spending time with my SO en femme, but usually will not do so unless it is her idea.....

On a somewhat unrelated matter... I did send her a pic from my new camera phone the last time I dressed alone... my first time on film... :D

Kiera

[Stephenie]

I would like to have my wife be a part of things but she is not comfortable with, happy about, or in any way inclind to me CDing. She has seen me in a body briefer once and that was not soming she liked. But for years I felt that my Cding was something that was for me/Stephenie and did not want to share it with anyone. It is something that was/is very personnel and not something that I would share with just anyone else. Just as most people have things that they don't share with anyone - Wishes, dreams, fears, hopes and other things that are a part of how they see the world and deal with it but are not things that are easy to explain and are not shared with others because it would change this thing just because some one else knew.
Some things change when other see them. When you measure an electrical circuit you change it just by putting a meter in it. When you analize a chemical compound you change what it was. When you share something about yourself with someone it changes that thing forever. Now I'm not saying that it will change things for the worse but it will change. But in changing these things about ourselves we also change ourselves so that we are not the same person we were before the sharing.
Many of us have taken may years and much soul searching to accept ourselves and changing how we precieve ourselves is a risk. Weather our SOs are accepting or not is not the main issue in having them participate but, but how we accept ourselves is.

I don't mean to sound as if I speak for everyone , It's just easier for me to use this style of talk.

[JocelynG]

I personally leave it up to her. If she feels comfortable enough I let her participate. I prefer she does because she takes much better pictures thean me trying to do it by myself :)

[Carlacd]

Another great thread Marla. Some wonderfull thoughts, of what everyone is going through with there SO's and those that don't, and how they deal with it in their lives. I don't what to sound like i am the only one and a pervert, but there is also the sexual aspect. From when starting to dress for the sexual thrill of dressing, to not needing dressing for the thrill. But at the same time to incorporate some of the dressing at times with the SO, when making love.
To some of us and yes i am one , that once or twice a year to be able to dress while having sex with my wife.
Gosh i hope i made since of what i wrote :confused:

[BlackMagic]

I want my Wife involved and she is and says she doesn't mind but I guess I don't feel secure at her word. I wish I did but I have a hard time feeling like she is behind me on this in spite of what she says. She does buys clothes for me locally when I request and never hassles me over something I might want to buy online but I still struggle with guilt. I always feel selfish for spending. That feeling keeps me from revealing my real desire to be able to work towards going out shopping (or anything else) convincingly as my alternate self. Although without at least some support from her I would not have come as far as I have.