Making a decision is too hard!

[Nicola2876]

I've been in therapy for about a year now and I'm waiting to see a therapist who specialises in gender issues but I'm still no further down the line as to making a decision to tell my family I'm transgendered and potentially losing everything that's important to me.
I have an amazing daughter who's 8 years old and the mere thought of not seeing her everyday sends me into a panic. If I know my wife like I think I do then my marraige would be over as soon as I mention crossdressing or transexual. But I'm finding it difficult to carry on living this way and the need to live as a woman is so strong that no matter how hard I try to put it to one side I obviously can't.
Has anyone got any advice or been in or is in the same situation?
This is just an impossible thing for me to decide.

Nicola xx

[Faith_G]

If you aren't prepared to lose everything, you aren't ready yet.

[hopingsecret]

I'm in sort of the same boat as you. I'm married with a 9 mon. old son. I'm just taking baby steps. Right now I'm only shaving my body and I'm going tomorrow to see about getting a wig. This is a big decision and no matter what you decided, there's going to be fallout. I haven't seen a therapst yet, but I have talked to other girls on line and in person and it has all really helped.

And I agree with Faith, if you're not ready to lose evrything, you're not ready. And that's not a slam. I'm not ready either. And just knowing that is a big insight.

[Nicola2876]

I know I will lose everything and I've had years to try and come to terms with this. It's the fear of emotionally scarring my daughter who I would do anything not to hurt. I don't know how long I can go on pretending but don't want to ruin her life so to speak. I want my cake and eat it I suppose.

[Steph.TS]

If you aren't prepared to lose everything, you aren't ready yet.

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but this statement is very upsetting to me, as I too want to become a woman very badly, I see people tell me to get therapy and push to do the transition earlier as they regret not doing so sooner, and your statement of I have to be willing to lose everything to become a woman, how can anyone be willing to lose everything? everyone needs something to live for, and your statement quite frankly scares me.

[hopingsecret]

"I know I will lose everything and I've had years to try and come to terms with this. It's the fear of emotionally scarring my daughter who I would do anything not to hurt. I don't know how long I can go on pretending but don't want to ruin her life so to speak. I want my cake and eat it I suppose. "

Unfortunatly you can't. None of us can. That's why so many of have breakdown moments. It sucks to be us and that's no lie. For most of us it comes to one of 2 decisions: 1 Come out and lose some if not all of our friends and family. 2 Stay in the closet and slowly wilt and die. But to put a silver lining on this, you have friends here to talk to and who will step into the voids left by others. No matter what you might feel, you're never alone and are always supported.

[Faith_G]

I know I will lose everything and I've had years to try and come to terms with this. It's the fear of emotionally scarring my daughter who I would do anything not to hurt. I don't know how long I can go on pretending but don't want to ruin her life so to speak. I want my cake and eat it I suppose.Please read this thread on transitioning and kids, I think it will help. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?137411-When-Kids-Are-Involved


I don't mean to hijack the thread, but this statement is very upsetting to me, as I too want to become a woman very badly, I see people tell me to get therapy and push to do the transition earlier as they regret not doing so sooner, and your statement of I have to be willing to lose everything to become a woman, how can anyone be willing to lose everything? everyone needs something to live for, and your statement quite frankly scares me.I know it sounds selfish, but you live for the chance to be you.

That's not to say that you no longer care about anyone or anything else, but that you have released all these other things. For me it was a spiritual experience, I realized that none of what I had was really mine. It was all given to me by God, I acknowledged that fact and placed it all in God's hands. If you aren't comfortable with that language, then release everything to the universe.

You know what? When you are not desperate to keep things, they tend to hang around on their own. You respond better to people and you make better decisions when you accept that things are going to change and that losses are going to be a part of that.

[Nicola2876]

I know I can't have my cake and eat it but to me this is an impossible thing to decide. I want to be a huge part of my daughter's life but I want to be female too and I'm so scared that I can't do both. I tried to make a decision to be a father to her but of course the other stuff doesn't go away.

Thanks for the link Faith but I couldn't open it. I've read lots about how to tell family and friends but I lack in the courage department.

I'm not looking for answers really I'm looking for advice

[Melissa A.]

Boy, putting it that way, "Making a decision", sure does sound ominous and scary to me. So much of this is a process, and as that process matures, so does the way you approach and look at things. It's natural to think alot about coming out, but it sounds like right now, you're putting some unecessary pressure on yourself. You'll be in therapy with someone who knows where you are coming from, soon. I would let that happen before I worry about how far down the line I am. You aren't in a race. I think you already have made your decision. That decision, to talk to an experienced professional, was a good one. You aren't required to take anymore steps until it's right to do so. You'll know, trust me. So try to relax a little. Things have a way of changing and becoming clearer the more you explore this. Do that. I'm not saying that at that point, coming out to your wife and daughter will be a piece of cake, and yeah, there may be unfortunate consequences. Or maybe not as many as you think. Don't assume too much about them. You'll know when you're prepared.

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Nicola2876]

Thanks Melissa, I really appreciate your advice:)

I probably do need to take more time and be patient. It's taking forever to see the therapist who specialises in gender issues and I sometimes feel down because I can't be my true self. Thanks again x

[Melody Moore]

I don't mean to hijack the thread, but this statement is very upsetting to me, as I too want to become a woman very badly, I see people tell me to get therapy and push to do the transition earlier as they regret not doing so sooner, and your statement of I have to be willing to lose everything to become a woman, how can anyone be willing to lose everything? everyone needs something to live for, and your statement quite frankly scares me.
I'm not going to sugar coat anything for you either, because Faith is spot on with what she said... If you are not willing to accept that advice then you too are not ready because rejection is something we all have to be prepared to deal with. Why do you think that transitioning females are some of the most courageous people you will ever meet? And also some of the most respected by other males & genetic females?

I have found nothing but support and respect amongst my best friends and those are the people I consider to be my real family. Sometimes those who your believe are closest to you, your biological family are the cruellest of all, but its them that have the real issues with you wanting to be happy and have a fulfilling life. But I do believe that in time they finally do come around when they do realise how much of a better person you are because you are genuinely happy.

I was so convicted in my desire to live as my true self I even left my girlfriend who I really do love to start my transition because I didn't want to stress our relationship anymore than necessary, yes it as hard to let go, but I had to follow my heart and be true to myself. But and it was the best thing I could have ever done - I know now she does really still love me and is very accepting & supportive of me, its just taking her time to get use to the idea of being in a lesbian type relationship which is something she wasnt ever prepared for but is also starting to explore with me.

[Steph.TS]

Thanks Melissa, I really appreciate your advice:)

I probably do need to take more time and be patient. It's taking forever to see the therapist who specialises in gender issues and I sometimes feel down because I can't be my true self. Thanks again x
I've mention several time on here that I live with a conservative family, my parents and my sister all think what I want to do is sinful even just crossdressing (my mom agree that crossdressing isn't a sin though) point is while I'm waiting to find a therapist, I'm finding that building my wardrobe, shopping, and trying to get comfortable with this side of myself is quite rewarding, last night I got a great little black dress I wore it the moment I got home and I felt beautiful. I remain in the closet to most people, but doing things like that I believe helps me to learn to simply enjoy this stuff, and as I gain more comfort with it I can do more things.

I understand the desire to just jump in, if I could I'd sign up for SRS, and HRT tomorrow and deal with problems as they come up but I know that things have to be done in a certain fashion, and that means finding a therapist and sorting out issues that are holding me back/ keeping me afraid of this transition, then the next step from that point until I can proudly say I'm a beautiful woman... Good luck in whatever you choose to do.

[Faith_G]

Thanks for the link Faith but I couldn't open it. I've read lots about how to tell family and friends but I lack in the courage department.

Its not about that. It's about what really HAS happened in families where dad transitioned. You may find courage there. :hugs:

[Stephenie S]

Faith is right. There is absolutely NO question about this.

Look, not all of us lose EVERYTHING. But the point is you MIGHT lose everything. There is no telling. Until you are ready to lose everything, you are not ready to transition.

Transition is NOT something you can take lightly. It's also something that YOU have to do. No one is going to do it for you. As a matter of fact most of the people you know and love are going to do their best to PREVENT this from happening.

Until transition becomes the absolute most important thing in your life, you will not be able to do it.

Stephie

[Melody Moore]

Stephanie... You are so right and as you you might not lose everything, but you have to have to be
prepared for it - I find myself totally at peace with my decision and nothing will ever get me to turn back.

As I mentioned in my earlier post about my leaving my girlfriend who I really loved because I needed to be on my own to start my transitioning... my girlfriend Rachel realises now how much she does really love me and is now opening right up & exploring her boundaries now a lesbian type relationship with me when she has never been gay in her life. Rach has become to love me so much more now as a female that she doesnt want me to ever go back to my former 'male' self. Now how cool is that?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

In therapy land..we are encouraged to NOT say words like "everything" and :"always".....especially in the context of losing everything.. there are no absolutes...my daughters are sleeping quietly upstairs with their friends after having a sleepover at my house..i didnt lose anything with regard to them...i GAINED something......my parents are home and doing whatever they are doing, knowing their crazy daughter is doing OK, and feeling relieved and happy for me...five years ago i didnt think this was possible..
on the other hand i've lost my job and my career, i'm starting over..but you know what, thats just the way it turned out for me...you are not killing your kids, you are not abandoning anyone..you are changing your life for the better and asking for love and support

we all say these things because we know that in reality you can lose your family, lose your job, lose your house, lose your friends, lose your credibility, lose lose lose...all to gain one thing....... and if you gain that thing, then you've not lost everything..

another way to think about it is to say that if you DONT transition, you get to KEEP EVERYTHING...really? how is keeping everything working out for you??

i'm a broken record on this..

focus on what is neccessary to transition...you do not have to decide anything, what can you do right now this instant? what can you do today to make your life better today??? create a master plan..do you need to do HRT? do you need more money? can you mentally live with your physical limits as a woman? who is the one person you can share this with that will most likely support you?? START REMOVING YOUR HAIR!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, can you state your case with friends family and work in a way that maximizes your chances...are you gonna have to move? where will you move to?? etcetc..

you can't change yourself ..you are who you are...what are you gonna do...

you don't have to decide yet...and you are BEST OFF NOT DECIDING until you've thought through the nuts and bolts of the specific things you need to do ...everyday that you can do this you are making your ultimate decision better and more likely to be good for you and yours.... and days when you are down you can have some hope that the next day will be better...this lack of hope is what killed me slowly for so long..and i didnt know i had hope!!!

some people look at all those things that need to be done and they decide they don't want to transition, and knowing how difficult the transition road is FOR YOU is a key data point...i know folks that live very "normal" lives...knowing that they would desperately love to transition, but knowing that for them, its too hard or too impossible or too whatever..... they arent happy about it, but they accept that part of their reality and try to move on..or perhaps move on "for now" ...but they don't obsess over it ever day...

we all know that in the future they may regret it...i know for me i could no longer live with regretting my life...that was the fire on the gasoline...looking back..my biggest mistake was not embracing my reality, and letting all those decisions pile up unmade under my bed and when the fire started...KABOOM.....if i had been smarter about it, i may have kept my job and i'd be even better off today..

all this is to say that you are not alone...alot of us have been down our own versions of your path...its not the end of the world even tho it feels like it sometimes, and by getting on top of your fear and confusion with information and calm you can make great strides way before you have to decide about transition.

:hugs:

[Steph.TS]

Kaitlyn, you are right, I'm starting financial planning because aside from winning a lottery this will be next to impossible if I don't start saving now. I hoping to save up $100,000 for SRS, FFS, therapy, and electrolysis. once I've been made who I want to be, I'll move, I've even thought about doing some FFS while I have a beard so that my transition will be less obvious (but if that doesn't look quite right I'll have to full out live as a woman) I'm waiting until I have atleast $100,000 because if I start transitioning at my job I might become unemployed (I have no idea to be honest) and thus can't afford the operation nessesary to transition, I also need support atleast from my mother or someone close because doing something like this alone would hurt too much. I'm going to have to wait YEARS to save up that kind of money, but in the mean time I'm hoping that I'll come to better terms with this, and be in a better place to transition when I have the money I need.

I've put some thought but not enough into what I want done to my face, and even looking into what doctor I want doing my SRS by doing research on internet. it's a shame my province has decided not to cover SRS anymore, but I'll push myself just that much hard, and hopefully one day I'll be a beautiful woman.

[Faith_G]

There are a few things in this post that I want to challenge your thinking on.

I hoping to save up $100,000 for SRS, FFS, therapy, and electrolysis. once I've been made who I want to be, I'll move, Transition is not a passive thing that doctors do to you. Surgeries are not going to magically make you a woman, no amount of money can do that. You have to just be a woman. That's mostly an internal property that becomes more visible as you grow as a woman and learn to live in the real world. There is some medical stuff you need to do along the way, but that is all peripheral.
I'm waiting until I have atleast $100,000 because if I start transitioning at my job I might become unemployed (I have no idea to be honest) and thus can't afford the operation nessesary to transition,You don't need an operation to transition. I consider myself to be transitioned, I am socially and legally a woman. Yes, there are some physical issues I'd like to take care of and I will in time, but for now I am happy to be a woman and loving every minute of it. I'd hate for anyone to miss one day of living as their true self because they think they need an operation to do so. That would be a shame.
I also need support atleast from my mother or someone close because doing something like this alone would hurt too much. I agree with the second part, you need support. You can't count on your mother and you can't insist on having her support as you transition. You have to be willing to find your support elsewhere. In my case that came from a great church, as most of my family was far from supportive at first.

The path you have mapped out for yourself looks to me like it ends with a beautiful girl sitting all alone in an apartment far from home, afraid to even go to the grocery store. You have to live into this thing called womanhood, it does not happen overnight through a miracle of modern science.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

One thing to also remember is that there is no right or wrong here,
only right for you and right for me..

i agree with everything Faith posted, but for me, i couldnt live with that...i had to have ffs i had to have srs...these things felt neccessary for ME.. Jen you need to figure out what is neccessary for YOU.
thats why i made the comment about being comfortable with the physical limitations of transition and your mental ability to live with what you have...

it took me until well into my forties to even start to seriously figure things out for myself...those medical things like HRT and those aesthetic things like FFS were crutches i used to build confidence and allow me to grow as a person and be comfortable living female...perhaps if i didnt have the money to do ffs, i could have rationalized another path...in fact, i'm certain i would have, but i chose to wait and finance surgery...

its up to you..

in any case, you need the info, you need to take some actions that will help inform your decision and that will give you an ongoing feeling of accomplishment...for what its worth, if you don't feel ready now, and if you want to set a savings goal in the meantime that sounds like a brilliant strategy to improve your day to day life and to improve your chances of a successful (albeit in the future) transition..

[Steph.TS]

There are a few things in this post that I want to challenge your thinking on.
Transition is not a passive thing that doctors do to you. Surgeries are not going to magically make you a woman, no amount of money can do that. You have to just be a woman. That's mostly an internal property that becomes more visible as you grow as a woman and learn to live in the real world. There is some medical stuff you need to do along the way, but that is all peripheral. You don't need an operation to transition. I consider myself to be transitioned, I am socially and legally a woman. Yes, there are some physical issues I'd like to take care of and I will in time, but for now I am happy to be a woman and loving every minute of it. I'd hate for anyone to miss one day of living as their true self because they think they need an operation to do so. That would be a shame.I agree with the second part, you need support. You can't count on your mother and you can't insist on having her support as you transition. You have to be willing to find your support elsewhere. In my case that came from a great church, as most of my family was far from supportive at first.

The path you have mapped out for yourself looks to me like it ends with a beautiful girl sitting all alone in an apartment far from home, afraid to even go to the grocery store. You have to live into this thing called womanhood, it does not happen overnight through a miracle of modern science.

when I spoke about becoming the woman I want to be, I was speaking physically, I know I don't really fit in with regular guys, I've always done things by myself, to avoid hassles from guys that like to pick on those different then them. even when I try to fit in I'm still an easy target.

so as a man(physically) I don't feel feminine, but I know that that I wear a nice dress or a nice pair of women's jeans that complement my butt, I feel sexy, and great, I'm not happy with the idea of being a man in a dress, or a woman with a penis, because for me, the most important thing is to fit in. It's something I've wanted my whole life to find out where I belong. If after those operations I can look at myself and say I finally look like a woman, I'll feel good about myself. That's why SRS and the other surgeries are so important to me.

i know I can't expect her to support me through the transition, but if I have 1 person supporting me I would like it to be her, I respect her, and if she could bring herself to accept me, I'd feel like I still had a place with my family. But as you said I can't insist she support me in this, and I'm letting things cool off after I came out to her, hopefully in time she'll be able to accept it.

as for the path, I'm working up to buying fem clothing, and helpfully without fear, today I'm going into town wearing levi's 512 women's jeans I'm slowly easing into it but to dress fully as a woman in public is a very scary thing for me. my thought was that once I transition and look like a woman, I'll feel more confident to go outside as the woman I am.

[Rianna Humble]

I've been in therapy for about a year now and I'm waiting to see a therapist who specialises in gender issues but I'm still no further down the line as to making a decision to tell my family I'm transgendered and potentially losing everything that's important to me.
I have an amazing daughter who's 8 years old and the mere thought of not seeing her everyday sends me into a panic. If I know my wife like I think I do then my marraige would be over as soon as I mention crossdressing or transexual. But I'm finding it difficult to carry on living this way and the need to live as a woman is so strong that no matter how hard I try to put it to one side I obviously can't.


I know I will lose everything and I've had years to try and come to terms with this. It's the fear of emotionally scarring my daughter who I would do anything not to hurt. I don't know how long I can go on pretending but don't want to ruin her life so to speak. I want my cake and eat it I suppose.

It is very commendable that you are thinking of your 8 year old daughter, but can you honestly say that living your life in denial of your true gender and in fear of what your wife might say or think about your medical condition is not going to cause your daughter any emotional turmoil?

You may be perfectly right that your wife will want to end your marriage if she finds out you suffer from Gender Dysphoria, but you might also be wrong. I don't have any experience of this, but I would be surprised if the courts allowed your wife to use the fact that you have a recognised medical condition to deny you access to your daughter. What next? Denying someone access because they have diabetes? Both are chronic conditions in the medical sense.

There will come a time when you know deep down inside of you whether you can continue denying your true nature or not. I don't think that this time has come for you, so please do not spend too much time thinking about what my happen if this goes wrong then if that consequence follows, then if something else goes against you. Please rather concentrate on what is right for you right now and let tomorrow worry bout itself.

[Hope]

Faith is right, if you are not prepared to loose everything you are not ready yet.

BUT...

You don't have to make such a huge decision all at once. I seriously doubt that any of us here did. The decision and the progress comes in stages. In baby steps. You don't wake up one day and decide that you are going to go have SRS done and be a girl forever. You experiment, and try things on and see what is right for you, and eventually, if it is right for you, you end up in a doctors office having some serious surgery done.

If you present this to your wife as "I am a transexual and I am going to have a sex-change" all at once - that is a lot to take in, and it will go badly. And honestly, you don't know that yet.

Try some things out. Paint your toe nails. Shave your legs. Carry a purse... Do the small stuff. See if it is right. If it is, at some point your wife will start to figure this out too, and she will have had some time to work out her feelings about it before bigger things get dumped in her lap.

And here is the absolute truth: You are better off without anyone who doesn't support you - including your wife. I know it is hard, and you can remain open to any ongoing relationship the people in your life want to have, but if they decide that they don't want to be any part of a life with a "creepy tranny" then you are better off without them. Even if it hurts a lot initially to watch them go, it will hurt a lot less in the long run. But you are not at a point where you need to make that decision yet.

And another bit of truth - just because you should be prepared for people to walk out of your life.... not all of them will. Some will, and you will be surprised by the ones who go and the ones who stay...

[Fraye]

...and the ones who come back.

[Nicola2876]

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to offer advice and words of wisdom. This really is a special place to come and share things and I really appreciate all your responses.
I need time to think and get things right in my head before I do anything but you ladies have helped me massively.
Thanks again xxx

[Melody Moore]

You are most welcome Nicola, that is why we are all here to all lean on each other for support :gh: the pleasure is also ours :)