Living under the weight of your parents, or why I can't bring myself to buy a skirt

[PuniPuni]

I guess I'll start by saying that I don't know.

I don't know my sexuality. I tell my parents I'm straight and yet I'm into feminine guys.

I don't know why I shave my legs. I tell my parents it's just too itchy to let it grow back, but I've done that before. I can't bring myself to tell them I just like it.

I don't know why I don't go shopping. I tell my parents it's because I don't have the money, but it's really that I'm not comfortable shopping for feminine clothes in public.

I don't know why I don't try makeup. I just flat out don't tell my parents this, and I still let it bug me.

I'm a person with an immense guilt complex. After I started dating Jerret a few years back I worked up the nerve to tell my mom and dad, and Dad got into this Bible stuff and how it was a sin and Mom started telling me I was just making up for attention and that I was hurting them both and I ended up breaking up with Jerret. I didn't really like Jerret, but you get the point. More than anyone, my parents have dictated my decisions in my life even when they aren't around. I don't go try on clothes because I'm scared that my parents, who live FIVE HOURS AWAY wouldn't approve. I don't go ask about makeup and stuff because I'm scared of what people, what my parents, would say about me.

Hell, I don't even know how to meet people like me because I'm too scared to seek them out!

What I'm getting at is that I really have no outlet for who I am or how I feel. I don't know how to handle myself. If I have a crisis, I call my parents. If I have a financial decision, I call my parents. But I do have a crisis: I'm bi and don't know what to do about that. I do have financial troubles: I want to shop for more feminine clothes and makeups and hair creams and wigs and stuff but I don't because I tell myself I don't have the money.

The best type of glasses. The best kind of workout for a feminine figure. The best types of conditioners and creams and ways to hide my beard and how to put on eye makeup and how to relax and just be myself. I have NO outlet for that! I have a million-billion questions and there is no one in my life I can turn to. It hurts... I don't like that a part of me I am just discovering and embracing is being pushed back by this constantly nagging voice of my mom, "You're just doing it for attention."

I don't want to be a man in woman's clothing. I want to be a feminine man who looks "cute" rather than "tough" and who might pass as a girl to the casual observer. I don't have the body shape. I have a very square head and a lot of fat in the worst places (neck, love handles, and back) but I'm not comfortable going into a gym and asking for a personal trainer to "make me look like a girl." I'm not about to consider hormone treatments so breasts will grow and hips will get wider. I'm not about to do any of that stuff because I DON'T KNOW! And the reason why I don't know is because I'm so damn insecure that I have to ask my parents.

In the end, I hate lying to my parents. If I date another guy, they will know. If I start wearing a dress, I'm going to tell them. I respect them too much, but at the same time, I'm really really scared of how much this will hurt them... I hate hurting them and I'm making myself hurt in their place.

So... I welcome any advice. Thanks for letting me rant. <3

[Lucy_Bella]

Sounds like you need to respect yourself.. If you are independant and care for yourself why ? Why would you not want to be happy and live your life the way you desire? I completely understand the respect for the P's ..But this sounds as if things are getting out of control..

My advice to you my friend,,,Seek conceling and fast...Tell the Dr. or print this thread ..I would suggest if the Dr. doesn't (I am sure he /she will ) to request a visit from the P's with out you.. Whats important to any parent is their child well being ..No matter what relegion race or creed.. It's better to have you healthy happy and secure than depressed lonley and confussed.. Please Seek therapy you need someone to talk too and guide you..

[tiffanyjo89]

Like Lucy said, seek some therapy.

You must have been brought up to believe that the commandment that says "Honor your father and mother," meant that you had to do everything they wanted you to, and if you contradicted them, then you were disrespecting them. This isn't entirely true. Honoring your parents involves more than obeying every word they say (cause they can be wrong, just like you or me). Since you are (from what I can gather from the rules of the forum) an adult, you don't have to do what they say anymore, all you have to do is remember what they taught you about how to be a man (which is what they wanted), which involves sticking up for yourself as an individual, and not being a clone of them.

You live separate from your parents for a reason, remember that. Sure, you're gonna have financial struggles, relationship issues, and the famous question "Who am I supposed to be now that I'm an adult?" Don't let these situations hold you down. Be your own person, don't live for your parents, live for what makes you...you.

[Vickie_CDTV]

I just wouldn't talk to them about your crossdressing, and stick to other things that are safe and productive to talk about. Chances are they don't want to hear about your crossdressing anyway. My father knows I am a TV but I do not ever, ever talk about it with him; he doesn't want to know about it, and if I did bring it up, nothing productive would come of it.

As for your sexuality, while you don't choose whom you are attracted to, you do have the choice to be or not be with someone. Being bi does not mean you have to be intimate with others of the same gender.

[Patty B.]

You sure have come to the right place, just start reading past threads and start learning all you can.
You can try to contact your local lgbt group they'll be on the net just have to look. You need to learn to respect and take care of yourself. Probably parents may not need to know every aspect and detail of your life. Good luck.

[eluuzion]

When you are living with your parents, you basically ARE under their control (certainly under their daily "influences and bias"). Pulling away and expressing the tug of war between supervision and independence with your parents is just one of the final (and necessary) stages of "testing your wings" before you exit the nest. It is the natural order of learning to fly on your own, in the same fashion as the adults calling to the fledgling young birds hesitant to leave the wire as their mom calls them.

Leaving "home" is a process, not a single "event". Independence is a master change for parents and kids. Both struggle to give up what they know they must. Parents change into "just adults" instead of the gatekeepers of your everyday life when you "graduate". Both child and parents often revert back to familiar "roles" that no longer exist...because it is a comfort zone.

If you wish to be "free", you must ultimately cut the ties of relying on them as "parental wardens". You have to restrain the desire to "fall back" into a relationship that is fading away. I did not say stop loving each other...which is where many become confused. The more you rely on yourself, the more you will thrive as an adult. I did not say not to "share", I suggested not to "rely". If you knock on a door you have walked out of, do not complain about the rules that accompany that regression. If you choose to share their house (mentally), you are subject to the emotions and opinions that exist under that roof.

When you fall down, you must learn to cry, then get up on your own and share THAT with your folks. Experiences, not calls for "help" will resolve the struggle eventually. Until you go broke buying CD clothes and start begging your parents for money...hehehehe

"This too, will fade"...hang in there.

[tricia_uktv]

Hi honey,

Firstly you are not alone. Many others including myself were exactly like you when we started. I wouldn't worry about parental approval just yet and think its a bit early for councelling. The first fear is buying female clothes. If you really want to you will, and trust me its no big deal. Let me shock you by saying that the way to do is to tell the SA that you are transgendered and that the clothes you are buying are for you. That way you caqn both relax and enjoy your time together and you will be amazed by how much help you will be given.

Do the same with make-up. Ask for advice or you'll end up looking like a clown. Then practice, practice, practice at home.

The most important item you'll need though is a wig. Until you are sure that you want to continue this course of action buy a cheap one. If you are sure get one fitted for you.;

Having got the basics, find either a transgender group or a club/bar which will cater for and is used to trangendered people. It needs to be away from home as I feel you need to keep the two lives separate for now. Visit a few times, get to know and talk to the people there.

As Lucy said you need to respect yourself and you also need to be proud of your feminine side. Once you have achieved those you will start to become more confident and can learn to develp attitude, which is the secret for going out in public.

Be brave! It does take balls to be a girl.

I started just like you, now try stoppingt me going our, anywhere, using any mode of transport. It is so much fun and I promise I am happier than I've ever been,

Hugs and good luck

[PuniPuni]

I suppose I should clarrify that I haven't lived with my parents for 7 years and I was in therapy for three of those. :P I did start therapy up again a couple weeks back for stress-related stuff. Graduate school is time-consuming.

I went into Macy's yesterday to shop for some new jeans (I lost 20lbs since March! \o/). The conclusions I came to were two-fold. One, I have NO money for shopping right now. o_o

The other was that I have absolutely no fashion sense. x_x

[Pythos]

Sorry for the cliche statement there,

But I really do understand your situation. I am in much the same boat, only it is my mother, and it is not at all Biblically related.

She is just scared about how my dressing will reflect upon her, and I am not just talking about Cross dressing. She in her own way restricts me to blue jeans (cause black is too goth, and goths blow up schools and shoot kids), and t-shirt. Unless of course when I go out for dressy events, then it is slacks and dress shirt. If I choose to wear a nice dress shirt with jeans, she asks me why I am wearing that (little does she know under those jeans is a pair of shiny black leggings, to be revealed when I am away from the house.... yes I do that) She reminds me to get my hair cut, even if it is only a little bit longer.

She did this when I was living on my own too. She constantly visited and told me to get my hair cut. Or "oh don't be seen in public in those fairy pants". I don't think parents realize just what damage they do with their offspring when they instill such things upon them.

I have just chosen not to go out to "dressy" events with her, and she has made it I don't want to go anywhere with her. Is this selfish of me? In many ways it is, cause she is my mom. But she has chosen to let society tell her what her son should be seen in, while at the same time her choices in clothing are varied and wide. She goes around in tennis outfits, sweats and so on, and wears blue jeans for FORMAL!!! events. I think I have seen her in a skirt suit 2 times in the last two years.

I too like to present a "girly" look, but not super weak, and one that will somehow attract an open minded female. I do not have the build to be a bulky "manly man" and in many ways don't want it.

In the OP's case I too suggest counseling...if you can afford it. If you are like me, a working class bum, then you may not be able to afford it, or your wonderful health insurance won't cover it.

[Stephenie S]

Part of growing up is learning how to respect yourself and to act independently. You are still young. Don't worry too much about it. Just keep trying. Therapy is good, but you HAVE to tell your therapist about the real you or you won't get anywhere. There is an applicable male saying here: "It's like p***ing into the wind." It just won't work and you will be wasting your time and the therapist's time.

Be honest with your therapist or he/she can't help you.

Losing weight is good too. Many of us struggle with that our entire lives. Keep it up.

Don't worry about fashion sense. That will come with time. Girls have years and years to develop their fashion sense. They aren't born with it, they learn it. You will too if you keep at it. Makeup, the same. It takes time and practice.

There is no "best" of anything. You will just learn what works for you. I like Lancome, but someone else uses Merle Norman. If you want kind caring and private makeup help, call your local Mary Kay representative. If you ask, she will see you in her home in private.

As someone said already, you are not alone. There are thousands and thousands of crossdressers in this world. Everyone knows someone who does. And ANYONE who works with the public (like your friendly local JC Penny SA) deals with crossdressers on a regular basis. So don't be shy.

S

[Asako]

Hun, I'm slowly coming to terms with these sorts of feelings as well but let me ask you something too. What is your personal happiness worth to you? Can you go on feeling like this just because someone dear to you doesn't approve of it? Do you have the strength and will to take what you want and make it REAL? Those are questions I'm sorting out and have helped me a good bit.

[PuniPuni]

Asoka, I swear if you don't put that Konata away I might take her home and give her cookies. o_o I am a HUGE Lucky Star fan. :P

You know, when I try to be honest with my therapist, I run into some pretty high walls. It's really hard to define myself right now. I'm reading about diversity in school and learning that as a white male I've had a lot of privileges that really have negated most of the hard work I've done up until now. Part of embracing the more feminine side has a lot to do with embracing a lifestyle in which I have to give up a huge number of privileges, and I'm just not trained for that yet.

I also wonder if crossdressing isn't somehow offensive... To women, is it akin to blackface? At the end of the day, we have to acknowledge that when push comes to shove we can easily get our privilege back just by changing into regular man-clothes. Women don't get that privilege. Would this be something you would suggest could be a larger topic on the forum, because I am very interested in everyone's opinion.

[7sisters]

You know privileges are not given, they're taken.

[Frédérique]

Living under the weight of your parents, or why I can't bring myself to buy a skirt

Get that skirt, Puni! It’s a magical garment worthy of veneration. Putting it on will change your life forever – you do want to change your life, don’t you? Do the right thing, and please don't think too much about it...
:)

[PuniPuni]

Right now the right thing is saving. :P I have no money, but I appreciate everyone's support... I wanna say one last thing... I do NOT have the face to get away with full crossdressing. My head is like... almost perfectly rectangular. I have an adam's apple you could cut a cake on too. :P How do you guys (girls?) deal with that?

[Fab Karen]

I would recommend seeking therapy- first you need to work on issues of independence, having a sense of who you are being ok, build your self-esteem. You cannot force yourself to fit your parents views of what you should be like ( that way will only bring depression ).The gender-identity stuff is also something that you need to work out, but first thing's first.