Help with a delicate family problem

[Daintre]

Hey everyone, I am Jenni, a 36 year old CD. I am divorced and yes my being a CD was the reason for it, my ex could not accept it and eventually filed for divorce, but that is not my problem. While married we had a son, now I went out of my way to try my hardest to be a proper father, we di father/son activities, I was the Cub leader, Scout Leader, and coach. I knew that he snooped through all my "Jenni" clothes, and many times I asked him if we needed to talk. OK so here is my problem...my son is now 16, I see him every two weeks for the weekend, last month I came back from grocery shopping and went to put items in my bedroom and my son was in there and was dressed in my "Jenni" clothes, I was a little shaken, but, tried my best to understand him, make no judgemwnts (how could I). I love my son very much, what can I do to make him feel normal. I was always ridiculed, told I was pervert by the ex and so on. I want my son to grow up and be proud of who he is, Can anyone give me some guidance? I try to be situation normal, but we are walking on egg shells around each other...OH, I have NOT told his mother

[insearchofme]

Come on! Tell him you love him and accept him not matter what! You of course understand his situation, be his guide. Tell him you'll always be there for him and will help in any way if HE WANTS YOU TO.

Good idea not telling his mother. If anyone tells her it should be him.

[Toyah]

It seems that he just wants to be closer to you, you cannot judge or chastise him maybe a chat in loose terms as to why he wanted to wear your stuff and if serious offers of help.

[Rachael Warren]

Hi Jenni, this may seem worse that it is.

I am married with a sixteen year old daughter, and a fourteen year old son.

We have brought both of them up to the best of our abilities to be tolerent of others by way of faith and gender.

I have expalained to both of them what I am within the last year. My son has no problems with it, he often comes to be with me when I am dressed.

I think you do need to sit down and discuss the issue with him, be certain to do a little reasearch first to make sure you can answer any of his questions.

Believe it or not, when I talked to my kids, I expected it to be a big issue, it wasn't, they just said OK and not much else, a complete anti-climax.

Another point to remember is that he may only be trying to emulate you, boys do that when they look up to you, they copy.

Feel free to PM (Private Message) me if you want to chat about it.

Hugs, Racheal.

[AngGG]

Forget the eggshells and talk to him. First is this something he just did to emulate dad? but at his age probably not. Maybe he just wanted to see what it felt like? Could just be a curiousity thing. No matter what the reason he is probably scared and confused right now and who better to give him perspective than yourself? If this is not a one time only thing maybe you can help him accept himself and come to terms with it sooner than most are able to. I don't mean to become dressing buddies but ya know a shoulder to lean on and share his feelings with. Give him articles to read let him know he is not alone. Either way he is still the same son you know and love, communication is still key though. If he does not want to talk about it makie it clear that your door is always open and your love unconditional.

Telling his mom is a rough area, while being a mom myself I can see where if you do not tell her its really no harm no foul, I mean he is not in any mortal danger. He should be the one to decide when and where she finds out.

Just my .02

AngGG

[Lauren_T]

Well first off, some more details would help a great deal...

How did he react? What was said?

Something possibly more germane; do you share any of those judgements others have made? 'Pervert,' etc? Is there any residual shame? What I'm saying, perhaps, is, have you internalized any of that disapproval?
Do you yourself view crossdressing as "abnormal," or something to be ashamed of?

Please fill in some of the blanks here... Many people here are ready to offer what help they can.
:hugs:

[Lady Jayne]

I think you really need to talk, You say he knew from a young age that you dressed so I can't help wondering if it's just a case of experimentation or his way of trying to understand and be closer to dad, if that is the case then it's probably just a phase and you should be proud he is trying to understand rather that reject and ridicule as many other teenagers do, however if he feels that he is a cross dresser or transgenderd then he's bound to feel scared & confused and you have an ideal oppertunity to give him a safe haven where he can express him/her self and even dress, let him know you are not judging him and her is free to talk to you about anything he likes but he probably shouldn't tell his mother until her has had time to really know who he is, she would probably freak and cause you all sorts of problems maybe even try to stop you seeing him. Oh and one more thing....Don't encourage or discourage him it's a no win situation he must decide in his own time what the future holds.That said right now you have an oppertunity to protect him from some of the pain and suffering that we all go through while trying to come to terms with this.
How much easier would my life have been had I had somewhere safe to express myself
Good luck
Love JayneXXX

[Cheery GG]

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk......your the adult here, he is probably terrifed, if you were him would you approach your dad...i wouldnt.....you absolutely must take the lead here. Dont get me wrong, dont be pushy, but you need to make him aware that you saw him, tell him about your past, and your feeling towards, be open, be honest......hes your son !

c
xx

[Marianne]

Echo what everyone else said.

TALK.

At 16, he's still 'confused' and 'learning'. Given the breakup of the marriage then (as a couple of others have said), perhaps it's simply an attempt to understand or 'emulate' (I haven't seen anything that suggests cross dressing is genetic, at least not to the point where it's 'passed on').

At 16 tho, he's old enough to be treated in a mostly adult manner. Talk to him. Ask him why (he may not know why, he will certainly be shy and embarassed).

Above all, be the PARENT. Make sure he knows that you're there for him, no matter what.

[susandrea]

I don't understand the "eggshells". You of all people are the one for him to talk to. Just do it calmly and let him talk. Draw him out and see what's on his mind. He's luckier than you were at his age, but only if you become the person he can confide in and ask questions. You can do it! You have to do it. Don't let him spend any more time being scared, embarrassed, ashamed or confused. Maybe he was just curious, or maybe he really feels the same as you do about the whole thing. In any case, I bet he's dying to talk about it with you. Maybe he wanted to get caught??? Just be yourself and don't forget to smile and BREATHE! :)

As for the mother, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she blamed you, unfortunatly. I wouldn't tell her anything unless HE wants to, and he might want to wait until he's out on his own. It doesn't sound very promising that she'll be understanding and he may be under enough stress as it is.

Good luck! :thumbsup:

[easyCD]

... For every complaint that women have about how we try to get sex from them, we can make a similar point about how women try to get emotion from us... [...] If your thrusting and probing hurts him, stop immediately...."
Wonderful quote, Katya. It rings very true, at least from my own experience. I think the best appraoch in this case is to be a good listener rather than an initiator.

[Clare]

This is something i have thought about as my own Son becomes a teenager in the future - he is currently a toddler, so it's way in the future yet! Is XDR'ing hereditary?

Anyway, you don't say if your Son was embarressed or upset when dicovered by you. My advice is to say it's OK and you're not bothered by it. Confirm with him that you won't tell anybody, especially his mother!

Another thought. Is he trying on his Mum's clothes at home? If Mum finds out, she will blame you and (probably) tell your Son he needs help as what he is doing is 'not normal'. So clarify that matter with your Son, as it could be an issue just waiting to blow up in all your faces.

As to the long term? Well, the other girls here have given some pretty good advice, so i won't complicate matters. I would prefer you two had a chat, but let him lead the conversation. Give him honest answers and indicate that your views on crossdressing may be valid for different reasons to his.

Bear in mind that he may just be going through a stage of puberty where curiosity may be running rampant in his mind. Is it possible that it's just a phase he's going through? Don't assume his current XDR is permanent.

Just re-inforce that you love him no matter what. if he senses trust in you, he will confide in you over his desires and confusion?

In some ways, i envy him - i wish i had someone to discuss crossdressing with at his age!

Christine

[HaleyPink2000]

Hmmmm. Playing the Devil's advocate here.

Hun, When I was 15, I hid in a closet completely dressed in my Mothers clothes. I was so scared. Thinking what I would have done if my Mother would have found me or my Father. Gawd!

The only thing that would be different would be I'd say to Him.
" If you want your own girl things! We'll go shopping and I will buy you your own Hun". " But please don't wear mine". It's a respect issue. I don't wear my Wife's clothes and we ask each other about the jewelry. It's like " Hun can I wear you Pearls today"? Things like that. In a dorm people ask. He needs to know this in the future. If not now then sometime you need to tell him those are my clothes. If you want to borrow them ask.

That’s parenting. But also timing has to be propper for it.

I'd have to say I think your the luckiest Dad ever! Also ask His/ Her Femme name. That would be fun while shopping for Her clothes. Taking her out dressed with you would be also a nice gift. Quality time together on a weekend away dressed on outings , shopping , vacation, movies etc.

Yes I wish I had your little problem with your Son/Daughter.

Love to you and yours!


Haley:)

[Raychel]

I think that everyone as said the most important part of this delicate issue. Talk, Talk, Talk.

I have 3 sons myself, None of them know about my dressing as far as I know. I can say that if this situation did come up here. I would do my best to talk to them and find out if they were just experimenting or if this was something that they were really interested in. It could be just a son trying something that Dad does. If Dad likes it it must be enjoyable. :)

On the other hand, maybe he has been using your wifes clothes for a lot longer than you know. If that is the case then you son will need to know that it is not as wrong as he thinks to dress in womens clothes, and the fact that there are women around that will enjoy being around him, as long as he is completely honest with himself and all the people that he meets, including women.

And most important he needs to know that you will love him just the same, no matter how he dresses.

I also agree with the other post in the fact that telling his mother should be left up to him, and only when he feels that the timing is right. This will not be a very pretty time in your life. I have no doubt that she will try to place the blame on you somehow. But hopefully you will have a strong enough bond with your son to get through it together with him.

Good Luck

[Lisa Golightly]

He may just be trying to understand what makes you tick. A friend of mine did the same. Took a lot of courage for him to tell me he had done it... thought I'd laugh at him.... Boys!

I take it he 'knows' about your dressing... I mean you've told him right? A few clothes in a closet do not make a crossdresser... It might be time to tell him about yourself. All I see here is a new generation hiding as you yourself have. It may be he feels he should hide as you have hidden. Regardless of motive, you can not hide the truth from him. You need to talk about yourself... If he tells you about his own dressing then fair enough, but don't push or you'll get a wall of silence.

Your own honesty here will be the beacon.

[Daintre]

I want to thank those who have responded to my concern. As usual, I have missed certain items in my origional postings. I love my son with all my heart and I would do anything to help him through this time of his life. Lately we have talked, long and hard, he is a CD, this is not a passing fad, he has asked to see me dressed, and I will soon. I want my son to know that I will love him for who he is, his dressing is not a problem for me and yes, I wish I had a father who I could have turned to, he will have that dad.
What complicates things is the messy divorce, my ex made sure she told my family and friends that I was a transexual and that I wanted to be a woman, my my, that has led to a large amount of problems. I see my son every second weekend, I live for that, it wasn't always so, my access to him was cut off after the divorce until I finally wised up and fought hard for access and stopped feeling guilty for ruining the marrage. I have asked my son to please not dress in my lingerie, he can use any outerwear, I have bought him his own lingerie, we will shop together in time. He does not dress at his mom's house, he is afraid what happened to me will happen to him, I have told him if he wants, he can move in with me anytime.
Thank you everyone, you don't know how good I feel right know, I was feeling very down, and thought that my dressing was the cause of all my lifes problems, but it is how I am handling them that is my problem. I welcome my son, my family is slowly recovering, I am making new friends and now I have found a whole new group of people who I hope in time I can call friend also

Thankyou
Jenni

[easyCD]

I'm very happy for you. Your son is lucky to have you. Obviously there'll be some bumps in the road ahead (there always is!) but you sound centered enough to handle them. Just don't forget to have fun, too. This could bring a whole new meaning to the concept of "hand-me-down" clothes. :thumbsup:

[Dixie Darling]

Jenni,

As far as your son is concerned he's very fortunate to have a father who knows FIRST HAND what he is feeling. There is no one who can better relate to a crossdresser than another crossdresser.

Now, with that being said, it's important for your son AND his mother (if she ever learns that HE is also a CD) to understand that insofar as any of us are aware, crossdressing is NOT something that one inherits from his/her parents. The exact cause isn't known and it's a low priority item for the professional community since they have a lot more serious things to devote their time to in research. It's also important for your son to accept the fact that being a crossdresser is not something he should be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Although it is something that (I'm sure) knows he has to be very selective about who he reveals himself to, he needs to know there are thousands of others who have the same above average appreciation for femininity that he does and this isn't something that makes him any less of a man.

No doubt he's done a lot of researching on the internet just as I'm certain that YOU have. Hopefully this has helped him to come to terms with it and accept himself as you seem to have accepted yourself. I would like to offer you the material on my own web site as something that you might want to consider reading together and discussing it as you do so. You'll find it to be factual and down to earth, but most of all a CLEAN site with a lot of answers to some of the questions he may have.

Best of luck and keep us informed as to your progress.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[easyCD]

Great site you have, Dixie :) There's a lot of good information there. I have bit of a problem reading it though (perhaps only because my eyes aren't as good as they used to be) because of the mottled blue & white background. Has anyone else told you this or am I just weird?

[Dixie Darling]

Appreciate the kind comments about my site.

To answer your question, no, no one has ever mentioned the background making the material hard to read. I've found other sites where this was a problem for me (my eyes aren't that good any more either!!) and what I usually do is either highlight the text and read it or copy it and paste it into something like notepad temporarily, then delete it when I've read it.

Again - appreciate the kind remarks!!

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com

[HaleyPink2000]

I hope the best for the both of you in the future. I had simular problems with my Ex Wife, many many years ago. But that is another story for another time.

I will have to say I did wonder of You all day today, and your Son. My Heart had a burden for the both of you facing this together, and yet alone in this big world. Yes, I so know how very hard and messy divorces are. It's actually your Ex that will be suffering in the near future. We will keep you all in our prayers as a family. Seperated and yet still bound by this young one of yours.

Our Hearts with you always.
Haley:)

[susandrea]

Eggshells forever! Drawing any man or boy's emotions out for discussion can be invasive and uncomfortable, especially when they are giving no signals they're ready to talk. To quote from If Men Have All The Power, How Come Women Make All The Rules? (http://www.rulymob.com/) by Jack Kammer;

"If you're feeling that you don't want to talk about your feelings, trust your feelings and don't talk. You have a right to feel safe before anyone can expect you to "open up..." If you think it will help you to talk, do it. If you're okay on your own -- really okay, not just faking it behind some macho mask -- then forget about it. Talking about feelings isn't always the best way to deal with them... A perfectly valid word for an exchange of thoughts and feelings is "intercourse." There's a good reason for this. For every complaint that women have about how we try to get sex from them, we can make a similar point about how women try to get emotion from us... Men value non-verbal intercourse, like being understood and accepted for what they are, not what they say... If your thrusting and probing hurts him, stop immediately. Don't assume he'll start to like it just because you do... Allow him to initiate. Don't hit on him with so many requests for intercourse that he never feels the urge to start intercourse at his own pace, according to his own needs... Don't get hung up on achieving simultaneous understanding... Men's understandings take longer, but they are usually more intense."

If I had to write a note or say anything to defuse the tension, it would be something nonjudgmental like,

"We're in an unusual situation in uncharted waters and I for one don't feel like talking about it. I suspect you don't either. So I wanted you to know I respect your privacy and you can trust me to keep what happened confidential."

That way you never really bring up the difficult topic of crossdressing directly. Instead of being a burning issue, it automatically returns to the distant realm of the personal, individual pursuit of happiness.

That's exactly the kind of repressive attitude that alienates family members for life and reinforces the wall many men build up around themselves instead of developing better social skills. Just because something is, doesn't make it right. Don't believe everything you read in books. There are plenty of quack doctors and psychologists out there that don't know their asses from their elbows. (I couldn't find a single professional review of that book you mentioned, and it's out of print).

If a boy can't talk to his Dad, and vice-versa, about such an emotional, life-involving issue that they both share, then a connection somewhere along the line has been terribly damaged, perhaps permanantly.

Men aren't the only ones who won't talk about their feelings. My mother never asked us anything when we were growing up, never reached out, never inquired about anything, rarely let anyone in. Now we are virtually strangers, and I would no more share something personal with her than I would a hostile intruder.

The emotional walls that men put up have historically done far more damage than good, and men have suffered needlessly from doing so. Myself, I've left no fewer than three fiances because they were too repressed to even discuss simple things with me (the woman who slept with them and washed their underwear), never mind the important issues. I felt sorry for them, but I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life trying to pull stuff out of them just to get an important issue on the table and figured out. In a close relationship that depends on trust and communication, the "walking on eggshells" thing sucks ass. I agree that no one should be forced to open up at the whim of another, but continually coddling a repressed non-talker is far from constructive.

As it turns out, these two DID talk and rightly so. No one was nagged or harrassed into it either, from what I gather, and a trust was forged that will hopefully last their lifetimes. Good for them! How sad it would have been if that success was sacrificed in the name of "privacy". If the son is attracted to the naughty, secret attraction of crossdressing, he can go on to enjoy that at his leisure-- but at least now he knows his dad supports him and is there if needed, which is far more important.

[Lauren_T]

...
If a boy can't talk to his Dad, and vice-versa, about such an emotional, life-involving issue that they both share, then a connection somewhere along the line has been terribly damaged, perhaps permanantly.
...

I quite agree... The ostensibly admirable stance of 'repecting others' boundaries' can be, as so many originally good ideas have been, taken just too far. We reach a point where, instead of a person removing the wall around him/herself, others back so far away, not wanting to 'intrude on their space,' that they, the others, wind up building a bigger wall around him/her!

[Holly]

Jenni, congratulations to you AND your son. You are in a unique situation to be able to guide your son based on your own experiences and forst hand knowledge. How many of us would have benefited from this during our formative years! Please check in with us form time to time and let us know how things are going! And by all means, KEEP TALKING!

[OhLisa!]

I would think that you would know better than anyone that it is an insupressable desire. Understand your son but know that a team of wild horses can't keep him out of a bra.
Love, Lisa

[Lauren_T]

Jenni, congratulations to you AND your son. You are in a unique situation to be able to guide your son based on your own experiences and forst hand knowledge. How many of us would have benefited from this during our formative years! Please check in with us form time to time and let us know how things are going! And by all means, KEEP TALKING!
Holly, you make such an excellent point!

Jenni, who's in a better position to provide sympathetic guidance than you?

'Crossdressing' and 'family values' are not mutually exclusive. :thumbsup:

[Wendy me]

realy the only thing you can do is talk to him but more importin listen to him ... let him know that it's ok to dress and also let him know that he can do it at your place without being judged... but also as far as the ex .... i would have to realy think things out on one hand to keep it away from her might work ... but as with all things we hide at one point or a nouther someone finds out then we have to deal with the damage controll .... so only you can know witch route is the way to go .... and eather way it an't going to be easy.....

[Stephenie]

To have an understanding parent is something all kids should have. You are lucky that He did chose to tell you. He must have had a lot of fear after what he saw you go through. The thought of going out with my dad so he could buy me lingerie is something I could not imagine or me taking my son out to buy his first bra. Sounds like you are going to have a lot of memoiries with him thta other dads will never have.

[Lauren_T]

The reticence men have in talking about thoughts and feelings isn't necessarily a result of repression.Correct. Which in no way alters the fact that in current-day Western society, it, much more often than not, is.
It is instructive to remember that the typical adult American male is not a Porsche-driving resident of Marin County, with a PhD!
It isn't easy to find words especially with a spotlight shining on deeply personal matters.Inability to 'find words' is not the typical gender-role-conforming male's issue. Fear of embarassment and of losing status in the male hierarchy by confessing to what is ignorantly regarded by his peers as 'weakness,' with it's attendant risk of ostracism and withdrawal of peer acceptance, is.
I think giving someone the space to be alone and preserving the right to remain silent actually can be a constructive way to relax tension and open the possibility for heartfelt dialogue in the fullness of time.Yes, it certainly 'can be.' Much of the time, however, it is not.
"Every family needs a generation gap. When mom and dad have unresolved conflict an intimacy vacuum can be created and that "gap" is lost. The parents may use their child's problems as a way to be close, thus bringing the child into the marriage, rather than keeping the child at a healthy distance outside of the marriage, but in the family."

- John BradshawMr. Bradshaw's self-rewarded status as a dispenser of pop-psych universal truth :rolleyes: notwithstanding, I (as well as a number of psychological professionals) take issue with some of his fundamental tenets. A thorough critique of the fallacies upon which some of his 'revealed wisdom' is based is a task too lengthy to be undertaken here, nor is it appropriate. Let's move on.
Just as it would be wrong for a conventional father and son to read and discuss Penthouse together on the living room couch, or a mother to keep track of her daughter's tastes in lingerie and insist on shopping together for it, I think too much closeness in father/son crossdressing has a potential dark side. I see areas of really thin ice out there if this sexually charged interest becomes a way of bonding.Here we come to the nub of the gist. Unfortunately, whether you are aware of it or not, you have subtlely introduced misleading, extraneous matters into the subject under discussion, in the time-honoured fashion of those who choose not to keep discourse honest. In other words, you are using the 'straw man' fallacy, slipping unlikely, invalid examples in to support your point, then knocking them down. Tired perennial debate tactic.

Let's examine your first premise, shall we? '...it would be wrong...' Here we have a problem. ('Wrong' according to exactly which arbiter of right & wrong? You? God? Allah? Bradshaw? Pat Robertson?) Many good fathers, not wanting to raise their sons with the same sort of fear-and-ignorance-based repression in matters of sexuality that they themselves had to suffer subjection to, would strongly disagree with you, had you not added the gratuitous and prejudicial qualifiers you did.

One. Discussing crossdressing (or most anything else) with one's son does not require the use of Penthouse magazine (nor hardcore S&M pornography, &c., &c) as a visual aid. Absurd on it's face. Unless you equate the matter of crossdressing with pornography, which I do not, and I can safely say that most crossdressers would agree. So, despite your implication, sharing and explaining why one enjoys wearing colorful, enjoyable clothing in defiance of boneheaded conformity has absolutely nothing to do with leering over airbrushed beaver shots, and it is rather disingenuous of you to suggest otherwise.

Two. '...a mother to keep track of her daughter's taste in lingerie...' Let's pause right here. Who suggested this? What did I miss? By the bye, were I a mother, I would certainly have cause for concern if, while doing the family laundry, I were to discover that my 14-year-old daughter had somewhere along the way developed a taste for wearing lace-trimmed crotchless panties! Wouldn't you? To continue: '...and insist on shopping together for it...' <sigh> Yet another straw man. Who suggested this? And in any event, what, exactly, do you find objectionable in a parent retaining some degree of control over the shopping activities of a minor child? Your point (whatever it is) not made. Onward.

Three. '...I think too much closeness in father/son crossdressing has a potential dark side.' This seems to reveal more about your opinion regarding the normalcy of crossdressing than anything else. It is pretty much a truism that too much of anything in existence has, as you put it, a 'potential dark side.' So? I don't recall hearing anyone suggest excessive closeness, just an appropriate amount of honest communication, which, incidentally, is not the same thing, despite your implied equation of the two.

Four. Lastly, you have shared this opinion with us: 'I see areas of really thin ice out there if this sexually charged interest becomes a way of bonding.' This, of course, is your opinion, and welcome to it. However, as expressed, your assertion centers on the implicit premise that all crossdressing is, to use your term, 'sexually charged.'

Seeing as this same thoroughly false assumption is at the core of most of society's ignorant rejection and disapproval of crossdressers and their activities, it is even more distressing to see it offered here, of all places.

Crossdressers come from an extremely broad cross-section of humanity. Apparently it needs be reiterated: CDing is, for some, a sexually motivated activity. For many others, it is a form of personal expression of one's core identity, an all-encompassing statement about who in the world they are, not who they have sex with or how. Yet others voluntarily adopt it as a preferred lifestyle choice, from motive of aesthetics, philosophy, what-have-you. For many CDs, sex and sexuality are no more nor no less a part of their lives than that of non-CDs.

Eradicating this myth, spread by people who cannot discern the difference between sex and gender, is possibly the biggest challenge we crossdressers, as a group, face.

In all, I fear that your arguments fail to hold water. Nice try, though. :D