Is it common for SO's to flip flop on how they feel about you dressing?

[crashd0309]

My wife did sort of a flip flop on me Sunday night. Last week she thought I was cute in panties and she took me shopping for them. On Sunday I came to bed in the panties I had on for the day. She said, "Jesus Christ, can't you wear boys underwear at least once in a while". I haven't worn panties since. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and stupid at that point. Now I'm confused and not wanting to dress in anything but boy clothes around her.

[Stitch]

As far as I'm aware this is quite a common issue which many SOs go through at some point.

I don't feel that I'm in a fantastic place to offer my own experiences on this matter, however I'll point you in the direction of an awesome thread which may help you understand and cope a little better. Now I like it, now I don't (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t) :)

[Gerrijerry]

I believe I can help on this one. Most wifes that accept or are trying to accept CD husbands. Need a place away from the cd'ing. It is very common for that to be the bedroom and in bed. Please talk to her and find out what her needs are and were her space is. Then just don't dress at that time or place. It is not really flip flop she still loves you and accepts just needs some space from it.

[Shari]

All I can say is welcome to my world.
Trying to figure out which days she's okay with Shari and which days she isn't has become more difficult than anything else I deal with these days.
I wish I could tell you the answer to that question.
That means I would have it too.

[BRANDYJ]

I think it is a matter of her thinking that you are perhaps going overboard on her. It's one thing to accept it, but to see it to much is pushing the envelope on her acceptance. All things in moderation. I think you have to show her that you are still the man she married. This usually happens when a wife is newly accepting...or trying to accept and the husband gets caught up in the pink fog and pushes by dressing in something feminine all the time in front of her. It just pushes them away. Slow down and let her set the pace. Don't push it on her. Not saying this is your situation, but the flip flop from excessive feminine display is very common.

[erickka]

Ah, the winds of change. Women are wonderful beings, but they do have a tendency to change their minds often, and be somewhat moody at times. Their hormone levels changing is the biggest reason for this. I can only tell you the way I have handled it with my wife of 28 years, and that is to try to understand, and put yourself in her heels, and be kind to her. Above all, never lose those open lines of communication with her. Best of luck to you.

Erickka

[Jonianne]

......She said, "Jesus Christ, can't you wear boys underwear at least once in a while". I haven't worn panties since. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and stupid at that point. Now I'm confused and not wanting to dress in anything but boy clothes around her.

Remember, it's common for CD's to flip flop while trying to find self-acceptance - ie. purging? How much more your SO who gets nothing from it.

Be thankful and show your thankfullness to her for trying. Let her have her feelings when she doesn't feel accepting. You are probably very sensitive to her every expression and likely can take things wrong. Do not go overboard when you think she doesn't feel acceptance and then refuse to dress entirely yourself, cutting your own nose to spite hers. That is a negative tactic that gets you nowhere.

Ask her when and where and how you can dress in ways that she would be more comfortable. What hurt my first marriage was that we did not work out boundries and groundrules that helps a couple in a commited relationship feel safer with each other.

You sound like you have a SO who is willing to work with you, so be willing to work with her too and try to empathize with her some. I wish you both the best. :hugs: Joni

[Karren H]

Its well documented that the acceptance recoil can take your head off if you aren't expecting it. Guess its lucky for me my wife never swings too far into the exceptance side. :(

[crashd0309]

thank you all for your great advice. the article referenced in post 2 was extremely helpful.

[JamieG]

It is very common. My wife's level of acceptance has been a roller coaster over the seven years that she has known that I was a CDer. We have had a very tender moments where she's bought me little feminine gifts and told me that knowing my secret has brought us closer together to very loud screaming fits where's she's threatened to walk away from the whole thing. I have learned that the best way to proceed is to negotiate a set of clear boundaries with her (e.g., you will only wear panties three times a week, or when you're having a romantic night you'll always wear male underwear for her). Then stay within these boundaries religiously until both of you have agreed to a change (and don't try to move these boundaries too quickly!). Also try to get tuned into her mood. Don't present her with crossdressing if she's having a really bad day. She may be holding in certain fears and reservations, so tell her that it's okay for her to say on any given night, "I'd prefer if you didn't dress now." But if she doesn't say it, try to sense when it might be one of those nights.

[Anne Elizabeth]

My wife and I have been working on this for a year now. I really don't think that hormones, or that women having the right to change their mind has a whole lot to do with this. I feel that the greatest problem is that crossdressing has been with you for a long time, and as much as it is a part of you, it has not been a part of her understanding of who you are for very long. She is afraid of where this will end. She is having to rewrite the book on who her husband is in her mind. Quite possibly, and more than likely, she is having to mourn the loss of her husband. See, while we see us as the same person she sees us as two distinct individuals. It can be scary for her to see this woman and hear her husband's voice. It has to be a great struggle for her to reconcile both of these personas of you into one person. And what will be left of you after deconstructing the male persona. Will I still be the same person she married or a completely different person? So, considering all the things that my wife has to think about I can understand fully why one moment she is for it and the next she can be against it. ( I know this does not follow everyones situation this is mine and I hope something can be gleaned from it for others)

[Daenna Paz]

Think Katy Perry "Hot N Cold" ... that's what is going on inside.
Welcome to my world ... I wish you the best! :eek:

[tommi]

It is very common with mine to the point it is just easier to crawl to the back of the closet when she is around, She discovered
my dressing and I should have came out to her before marriage but in all honesty the only difference is we probably would not have gotten married.
I find the closet very accepting though it never screams at me.

[KarenCDFL]

This type of behavior is akin to saying "good dog" to your pet and then kicking him with a smile on your face.

[Jane P]

Since joining this forum I have been faced with looking at this question from a different perspective . Before having come here I had not given much thought to female to male transgenderism. Now however I have been asking myself , "What if the shoe was on the other foot?" What if I was just happy being a guy married to a woman who suddenly decided to share with me her desire to portray a masculine image , all the time. How would I react?

Even if you were okay with it , wouldn't you wish that sometimes she would just be the girl you married?

Who knows , maybe if there is more openness from the start about how we all feel , the "f to m" people could hook up with "m to f" people and we could all live happily ever after. And war and famine would become a thing of the past and unicorns would roam the earth and.........sorry I must be dreaming.

Sometimes we need to think of "Walking a mile in her shoes" as a metaphor.

[tommi]

Since joining this forum I have been faced with looking at this question from a different perspective . Before having come here I had not given much thought to female to male transgenderism. Now however I have been asking myself , "What if the shoe was on the other foot?" What if I was just happy being a guy married to a woman who suddenly decided to share with me her desire to portray a masculine image , all the time. How would I react?

Even if you were okay with it , wouldn't you wish that sometimes she would just be the girl you married?

Who knows , maybe if there is more openness from the start about how we all feel , the "f to m" people could hook up with "m to f" people and we could all live happily ever after. And war and famine would become a thing of the past and unicorns would roam the earth and.........sorry I must be dreaming.

Sometimes we need to think of "Walking a mile in her shoes" as a metaphor.

Spot on what if the shoe was on the other foot?
Its easy to say we would be accepting but would we.

[Elizabeth Martin]

Ah, the winds of change. Women are wonderful beings, but they do have a tendency to change their minds often, and be somewhat moody at times. Their hormone levels changing is the biggest reason for this. I can only tell you the way I have handled it with my wife of 28 years, and that is to try to understand, and put yourself in her heels, and be kind to her. Above all, never lose those open lines of communication with her. Best of luck to you.

Erickka

We "wonderful beings" do not always change our minds often nor do we all have the stereotypical hormonal mood swings. We just get sick to death of those of you who are selfish and would sometimes like a conversation that doesn't revolve around you and your crossdressing.

We are your partners, not some hormonal sap who needs to be placated or patted on the head because it might be "that time of the month."

[charlytuna]

I know from my own personal experince that a your SO needs some time to adjust towards your crossdressing. I know how it feel one minite she will buy something sexy and the next day you put it on and yell at you like you a perv or something but give her time and space she will come along soon enoughlike mine did even it like 25 yrs but she will come along. I found out one thing don't push the issue let her have her spacce and just keep it to yourself for now just keep loving her

[ICU Nurse]

For me it's been a combination of a lot of the things people have already said.

I've only been out to my wife for about a month now (even though she knew for more than 2 years without telling me). At first I just spilled my guts and kind of overwhelmed her. I figured that out (with her help and by reading a bunch of threads here), and we agreed to set limits. Here's what we've agreed to so far:

No CD'ing in the marriage bed. I can sleep in whatever I choose if all we're doing is sleeping. 99% of the time I sleep in guy stuff, and since I work midnights 4x per week I can sleep in my girl stuff when she's at work.

She works from home sometimes, and one day a week I can CD with her in the house if I choose to. Again, some of those days I spend sleeping, but it's an option.

She comes home for lunch on Fridays and I can dress then as well. Either of us can nix the CD'ing on these days, but she can only do it 2 out of 3 times and not more than 2 in a row. (ie if she were to say no 2x at the last 2 weeks of September she couldn't nix the first week of October on the grounds that it's a new month).

I can underdress as much or as little as I choose.

No CD'ing if my daughter is awake, but I can dress after her bedtime in our bedroom with the door locked as long as my wife is still up.

I can shave my legs if I want. She doesn't care for it, but she rarely shaves hers (which I don't care for but tolerate) and figures fair is fair.

We can talk about it as we feel we want to, but if she tells me enough then we take a break for a while.

No borrowing anything without asking.

That's pretty much it.

I've told her my 10 year plan is to attend fantasia fair in PTown enfemme with her. She thinks she can live with that. She's also agreed to help me with makeup at some point in the as yet undefined future.

That's what's worked for us so far. I think it works because we both talked about it with a desire to compromise and each give and take as much as we could. Our marriage works for us because I think we communicate pretty well most of the time.

Good luck with your situation.

[MiamiMarie]

I don't recall ever doing the flip-flop in regards to my husband's CDing, but he doesn't do it all the time. If he did, I would have to ask that he give me occasional quality time in drab. Even the most accepting SOs usually have thresholds.

[Amanda22]

My wife is very supportive and hasn't suggested she wants to impose limitations such as X times per week being dressed. My approach is to try to prevent her from needing to do that. I don't want her to feel forced to manage something that she perceives to be out of control.

I make sure she has lots of quality time with me when I'm in "guy" clothes. Although I'd like to discuss clothes 24/7, I make darned sure I talk about anything else, just as we did before I came out of the closet two months ago. I try really hard to do two things:

- Make sure a large portion of our quality time together happens with me in male mode. Some weeks, this is easily the majority of our time together. Other weeks, it's less and probably around half and half.

- When I'm dressed in front of my wife, I make extra efforts to give her attention and focus. This isn't hard for me to do, and she definitely notices.

My goal is to ensure that from my wife's perspective, crossdressing is a non-threatening and fun aspect of the person she married, and not a huge issue that's been forced into the marriage and she is pressured to corral.

I think it is our responsibility to manage it so our SO's don't feel like they have to. Of course, if we receive boundaries, then we need to respect those requests and at least discuss them, but I don't think it is fair to go hog wild and dress 24/7 and make crossdressing the topic of every conversation. That is just my opinion.

[Alicia_lynn419]

Yes, it's not uncommon.... My ex wife certainly did. I think sometimes we are given an inch and take a mile. Finding balance between your fem-self and the mad your wife married can be daunting... IMHO

[Daenna Paz]

I make sure she has lots of quality time with me when I'm in "guy" clothes. My goal is to ensure that from my wife's perspective, crossdressing is a non-threatening and fun aspect of the person she married, and not a huge issue that's been forced into the marriage and she is pressured to corral.

I think it is our responsibility to manage it so our SO's don't feel like they have to.

[QUOTE=Alicia_lynn419;2283475] Finding balance between your fem-self and the man your wife married can be daunting... IMHO

[QUOTE=Elizabeth D;2283257]We just get sick to death of those of you who are selfish and would sometimes like a conversation that doesn't revolve around you and your crossdressing.


[QUOTE=Jonnie;2283242] "What if the shoe was on the other foot?" What if I was just happy being a guy married to a woman who suddenly decided to share with me her desire to portray a masculine image , all the time. How would I react?
Sometimes we need to think of "Walking a mile in her shoes" as a metaphor.

These are all excellent responses ... my post overlooked these wisdoms ... :sad:
Sorry ...:straightface:

[Tasha McIntyre]

My wife has never met Tash, and never wants to, but does acknowledge her existance. I always play within my wifes rules (which are perfectly suitable to me) so I think that helps a lot. She does, however, have varying tolerance or acceptance levels from day to day.

Most days she'll kind of be OK with it, as in a resigned acceptance kinda way, especially if she wants to wear one of my skirts lol. If I have a day off when she's at work she'll sometimes ask if I went out etc and be ..... well, not happy that it happens, but wanting to know anyway.

Other times, although very seldom, the frustration will burst through and she'll have a bit of a hissy fit and then she's OK again.

[eluuzion]

There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!

[docrobbysherry]

Sometimes affectionate, sometimes cranky, sometimes weepy, sometimes elated, sometimes bored! I LOVED IT!:D

The LAST 2 weren't so much fun, tho! I KNEW who was waiting at home for me! It was ALWAYS-:Angry3:

And, none of her changing attitudes had anything to do with CDing!:brolleyes:

[Heather J]

Don't feel to bad about it, my wife also flip flops back and forth sometimes too. I guess it's just the price we have to pay.

Heather J.

[crashd0309]

Amen to that. :)

[mygirlsgirl]

Hi Crashd,

Well, I'm new here but I will take a stab here cause I went through a short period of this:

I think it makes a huge difference if a GG is told in the begginging of the relationship/marriage!
Now, I do understand why the CDer does not tell, I also understand the GGs feelings with this as a GG. Fortunatly, I did not have to go through all this, I was told in the first few weeks, so it negated the betrayed, dishonest feelings.

I also think it makes a difference of how you were raised as a child, your Spirit life, what your belief system is. It seems harder for us to go against the grain of what we grew up with (social stigma), how society looks at us (keeping up with the jones"s)! It just takes time!

I also think it makes us as women, look at ourselves, maybe things we don't wanna deal with inside, we get sorta off balance, we question who we are in relation to the CDer, intimacy, self esteem, self image, jealousy, our own sexual identity, etc.....

For me once told she went into a sorta pink fog and went nuts, there was a lot of selfishness on her part, alot of time taken away from me, we had some communication problems so she would try to tell me in little ways what was happening and I think it was just all to much for my lil brain to handle at once, we were living together so I just at some point declared the spare bedroom as my spot and when my brain would get overloaded I would go in their angry, crying, etc....I knew I needed help so I started doing internet searches, I finally found this forum in May and started reading, as time went forward I got more insecure and finally posted here recently, it opened a door for me, it helped me to understand all sides and facets, I'm still and hopefully always going to learn more, we are at a better place now, not as much push/pull.

I still remember days she would come out in a nightie and I would sit there and smile and think to myself "OMG not another nightie, not tonight!", but I didn't say anything because I didn't know how, I didn't know why I felt like that, I just felt sad that I felt like that, I would say sarcastic stuff and not know why, I tried not to but it came out, and then I felt even worse. Beause I knew I was hurting the person I loved I just didn't know why! But this has all gotten way better since we have both been here, I thank each of you GGs and CDers because without your love, understanding, honesty and experience we may not have stayed together, it would have been a heart wrenching story of 2 people so In love with each other and that gave up because they didn't understand what was happening to them. It was like a hurricane blowing in! Because I didn't understand what was happening to me or us as a couple!

Just hang in there and don't give up any of you! hugs, mygirlsgirl

[Lucy_Bella]

Mygirls,

That was such a great post directly from the heart and I felt every letter you typed. It pleases me that this forum can be helpful for both Cders and GG's. Even tho it may seem, I can not find a balance in my life, it's good to know there is a balance being created here for all in some support .

I hope your struggles soon end and realize that your spouse is a person and like any other needs love nurturing and understanding. You have came a long ways , more than any GG I have ever met and your story inspires me..

[CalamityJane]

In the early days my SO did "flip-flop" a few times but after talking to her about this I could understand why and took the steps needed to continue with a smooth life. Things to bear in mind are that "too much of a good thing" is not always the best path to tread and secondly "things should be done in moderation".
It can be all too easy to let the "pink fog" descend and for you to forget the needs of your SO...which is a remarkably selfish act.
So for a happy relationship, make time to talk about YOUR needs and HER needs and find the point where you are both comfortable, given that you both love each other this should not be a real problem.

And never forget MODERATION!!!.....just like other activities such as you can drink too much, smoke too much, drive your car too fast.....you can crossdress too much.....maybe not in your eyes....but in your SO's......Your marriage or relationship is like a team....and there is no I in team.

[Loni]

yes there has been a lot of great things said here.
as a single person. i do not have these problems..but there are others.
gg have the birth right to change there minds at just a whim.
but yes she married a man. not a girl. think about it.

[sometimes_miss]

Yes. While most of them who initially say that it's o.k., simply because they want to feel open minded and tolerant to new things, often the reality of having a feminine mate disturbs them too much and they change their mind.

[VictoriaP]

My wife was truly and completely accepting when I first told her about my dressing en femme. She shopped with me, bought clothing for me when I was not with her, helped me with make-up tips, polished my nails, etc. Then I began to notice a difference in her attitude when I was dressed. Eventually her attitude became hostile toward me when I presented as Victoria. I had to ask her why. I was flabbergasted when she broke down crying and told me she could not stand me dressing up. After much talk, compromising, etc, we reached an agreement that she was comfortable with. Unfortunately the agreement precluded a great deal of my dressing up. I love her and I love being en femme; gradually I have gotten used to our agreement, but not without regrets.
If your wife is showing signs of flip/flopping my advice is to talk to her as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. I found a wonderful support system on this site and am truly grateful for all of the advice I was given. You are not alone honey.
feel free to email me, anytime. Good luck.
Hugs---Vicky


My wife did sort of a flip flop on me Sunday night. Last week she thought I was cute in panties and she took me shopping for them. On Sunday I came to bed in the panties I had on for the day. She said, "Jesus Christ, can't you wear boys underwear at least once in a while". I haven't worn panties since. I felt embarrassed, ashamed and stupid at that point. Now I'm confused and not wanting to dress in anything but boy clothes around her.

[Vicki-Z]

Yes this is very common. One day out of the blue my wife came home and suggested that I get a wig. Another day while out she suggested I get a small purse (messenger bag) to carry my stuff in. Another time she suggested that I get a skirt to wear at home when we are alone. Once she even suggested I get a pair of breast forms. Other times she completely ignores Vicki for days as if she doesn't exist. She goes back and forth. One day she seems supportive and another day it's as if Vicki doesn't exist. No I haven't done anything about the wig, purse, skirt or breast forms because I don't know if I should.


Vicki :hugs:

[paulaN]

I found with my ex. Her acceptance woops!! I should say her non acceptance was much worse when she had PMS. That's what I found.

[Kathryn Martin]

This sound to me like a bunch of guys over beer complaining to their buddies about their wives.:naughty

[HEART BROKEN]

Your changing her whole world ,who she actually is.Who and what she has been her whole life.What was attractive and inviting,What turned her on.Her sexuality.Her brains chemical make up.There is a tiny tiny percent of females who may seek this out or learn to like it but if you really investigate their childhood and life experiences you will see why.I could go on but it may offend someone.

[mygirlsgirl]

There is a tiny tiny percent of females who may seek this out or learn to like it but if you really investigate their childhood and life experiences you will see why.I could go on but it may offend someone.

Well, heart broken, I for one would like to hear you go on!

I am one who accepts all facets and life with my CDing SO, I also love all of my SO! I must be in that very small %! I will share some of my childhood experience with you so we can see if that is the reason I can except all of my SO and want him to be a happy, healthy individual, how about that, then you can share with me what your thoughts are.

I was molested at the age of 4, I started riding motorcycles, drinking, drugs and sex at the age of 11 (my first drinks of alcohol I was blacked out), I was raped twice by the age of 12, I was thrown out of the house at age 14, I quit school in the 9th grade, I have been beaten up, cut up, held down and burnt with cigerettes! I have always been a fighter and survivor and carried weapons. I have been a Tomboy all my life because it is the only way I could survive out in the streets. I have been married 5 times since the age of 19. I got sober and clean at 27, I went back and got my GED and went back to school, I worked and went to school to get my college degree, When I finished school I got sick with Hepatitis C, since then I have been chronically ill with a disease there is no cure for and have done 4 chemo treatments that have failed. I have faced my mortality, I know how short life is, and I'm not gonna miss any of it! I love life, all it's adventure, I help others, I laugh always and have fun, that to me is what life is all about, forgiveness, self assessment, and love are the keys to everything in life!

I have one dead brother from suicide (37) because of drugs and alcohol who left a high school sweetheart wife and a 3 year old daughter behind, I have one gay brother that had a miserable life hiding in the closet from guilt, shame, and fear of not being loved when he came out (which I think is the utmost of tragedies, people who can''t live as they our meant to be "FREE" to be who they are!) I will say here after my brother committed suicide (by shooting himself in the head on the front steps of the church) my gay brother came out of the closet, he finally met his SO 7 years ago, they were united in a civil union last year, unfortunatly, because it is illegal for them to be married, which is another travasty in my book! I also have one brother who is into an alternative lifestyle of BDSM with his new wife, he has never been married before and is now 57. All are very happy together!

So, I would like to know what my childhood background has to do with whether I accept and love my cding SO or not in all ways? Does that mean I'm damaged goods because of my broken childhood? I'm on a quest now to recieve info on why I would dare love someone in all ways emotionally, physically and sexually (all of my SO) and care about his/her well being as an individual human being, that I would want them to live a full and happy life? Is it because of my childhood I may be devient or a pervert? Please don't think you have offended me, I have run across many people in my travels on my journey through life, I don't offend and I don't get offended, I would just like you to expound on your pervious statements please and explain to me what you meant by your words, I don't want to misinturrpret them! I have to say here, I'm the same person I was before I met my SO, actually I'm better because I have grown from this experience of CDing, and as I have learned in life the hard way you either "grow or go!" I choose to be open minded and open hearted, it is who I am, I don't have to prove myself to anyone anymore because I have earned my seat at this table of life and you can bet your ass I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it and laugh all the way through the rest of it! lol


For anyone, I would also like to know what the meaning of the word "TOLERATE" means? I see this word here more than I care to, if I had to live with someone that just tolerated what I did in life that would be an absolutly miserable way to live! I can understand the feelings of a GG that was totally in the dark and didn't find out anything until the marriage was well underway. But for others I don't seem to get "tolerating" someones CDing if you new from the git go, it is Cding for god's sake, it isn't rape, murder or domestic violence! I have never been with a CD before this, If I could not handle it I would have known from the git go, I would have made the decision to leave then, NOT TOLERATE IT! What is this toleration crap? How about some love and acceptance, if I love the person for who they are inside, how do I just tolerate them or there behavior? If I try to be the best human I can be, do self assessment, and take care of my own baggage, I'm a much kinder, gentler, loving, forgiving, accepting person of all people not just CDers, we all have skeletons in our closets, no one is immune from that aspect of life!

Hugs all, mygirlsgirl:)

[Patty B.]

Mygirlsgirl after reading your posts, a lot of insight to a womans point of view.

[RachelPortugal]

Many wives are not happy that their husbands have hobbies like fishing and leave them at home whilst they are out enjoying themselves. Whilst as individulas we may like to pursue our own hobbies and interests, let us not forget that we are in a marriage which has vows etc attached to it.

My wife flip-flopped for years until we had a full and frank discussion about my CD'ing which set up some ground rules, which we both accepted. We had made our marriage vows and have stayed together through thick and thin, richer/poorer, sick/well and we love each other dearly. I was not going to let my CD'ing be the cause of a marriage breakdown.

[Tina B.]

Simple question, how long did it take you to accept the fact you where a crossdresser? I know it took me years to come to terms with it. Another simple question, why do we think women should accept, understand, and not question what it took us years to figure out, overnight.
When I told my wife, she accepted it right off, and I took full advantage of it. Scared hell out of her, she thought I was gone for good! we fought, I like you pulled back and would not dress in front of her out of fear of rejection and possible ridicule. Finally we talked, I started dressing again in moderation, and all has been well every since.
Tina B.

[Sandra]

Yes. While most of them who initially say that it's o.k., simply because they want to feel open minded and tolerant to new things, often the reality of having a feminine mate disturbs them too much and they change their mind.

It can be like this for some..but when for a lot the flip flop starts around the time the pink fog sets in. The cder goes at it like a bull in a china shop, nothing else matters but the cding and buying this and that. For the wife she feels that she is put on the back burner and at times feels like she doesn't exist.

When the flip flop happens both parties need to sit down and talk about what is going on, and try to sort out why this has happened, if you don't talk then you'll never know what to do to try and put it right.

[Alice Torn]

I agree with those, who say, don't over do it, and negotiate with the wife, about it . Respect her wishes as much as possible, in love, and respect. On the other hand, putting the shoe on the other foot, if the wife only wears pants, which not that long ago, was considered cross dressing, would it not be respecting the husband, to wear dresses and skirts a few days a week? Would that not be fair? Oh, I forgot. Life is not fair.

[Shananigans]

Perhaps, she is worrying about losing her "man" all together...

[Roxanne_Alternate]

From my experience with my ex, you just need to find a nice balance in it. She was very accepting, but she did comment she wanted to have a boyfriend too at times, so I didn't dress up in front of her all of the time. I found that on an occasional basis there will be no problem.

(The crossdressing was not a part of our breakup if you're wondering)

[Tara1967]

Mine flip flops on me everyday. We fight constantly. Right about the time we start talking again, she starts jumping on me about something else. We haven't seen our second aniversary yet. It is absolutley killing me. And I haven't cd'd since returning from SCC. But we have already gone round and round with that, so in an effrot to get along with her, I have stopped that, but to no evail, she just keeps jumping.

[Hope]

You should tell her how her reaction made you feel.

[ReineD]

Crash, I'll tell you what happened from my GG POV.

I've been supportive of my SO from the very beginning, and actively engaged in all our outings. But still she told me in the beginning that we should only have one rule. If ever either one of us should not feel comfortable with it, either at home, or out, even if we'd spent an eternity getting ready, to just say the word and she would revert back to guy mode immediately and gladly. Sometimes we've come home from an outing and she ran upstairs wanting to get her stuff off and I didn't understand why she'd want to get back to guy mode so quickly. Other times we've been to places dressed, and if either one of us felt odd, we'd both leave.

I feel fortunate that my SO remembers her own feelings fluctuating, as her femme expression developed, so it is easy for her to understand the same thing happening to me. I have to say though that I don't remember ever asking her to get back to guy mode prematurely.

On the other hand I also wanted to be supportive (it was a new relationship and I found out at the very beginning), and I didn't want to rain on her parade. So once, in the very beginning while I was learning about what it all meant, we went to a lesbian ballroom dance on an evening when something particularly disastrous had happened that day with regard to my divorce. When we walked in there was a very romantic song from my past. My heart sank when I realized I was there with a woman, in a room full of other women. I should have respected the one rule we had and said something, but I didn't. I went to the ladies room and cried, then fixed my eyes and came out smiling. The evening progressed until one lesbian couple, the best dancers there, were practicing a very sexy and sensuous routine for an upcoming competition. My SO couldn't take her eyes off them, and then I started to hyperventilate and I just couldn't stay in the room anymore. I became convinced that she was only attracted to lesbians. lol. It wasn't rational, admittedly, but I was scared, confused, and upset, and feeling very vulnerable. At that moment I just didn't want to be with a woman. Period. So I just gasped that I needed air and she must have seen how devastated I looked and she came out with me. Then I had a major moment. We sat in the car and all my fears and tears came pouring out. And I'm not a drama queen.

She was very good about it all, although quite surprised, since she thought everything was OK. She told me that I was more important to her than the CDing, and believe it or not, I had no idea this was true. I had thought that being her femme self was without a doubt the most important thing in the world to her. So we worked through it all, I felt a lot better, and it hasn't happened since.

She did continue to expand her presentation and the frequency of her outings, and I've got to say that every time she did something new to her body or went to more and more places closer to home, or wanted to meet more people who didn't know her guy side, it surprised me that she was raising the bars and for a few years, especially while on this forum reading all the threads, I convinced myself that she was on her way to transition. I didn't know what the future held for us, if we could survive, and I was scared.

So my advice is to discuss with your wife how far you want to go with this so there are no surprises: do you intend on growing your hair and nails, would you like permanent laser beard removal, fully shaved body, etc, how big would you like your wardrobe to be, and what types of places would you like to go to dressed and how frequently. In other words, what are your ultimate goals? Do have a discussion with your wife about this so that she is not frightened every time you do raise the bars. :)



This type of behavior is akin to saying "good dog" to your pet and then kicking him with a smile on your face.

Your post is akin to stepping right over your dog when he's panting for water in front of an empty bowl, but you don't fill it because it's not convenient for you to deal with it at that moment.

[Satrana]

In other words, what are your ultimate goals? Do have a discussion with your wife about this so that she is not frightened every time you do raise the bars.

LOL I think that is great advice to those with wives who are similar to yourself - ie someone who is rational, knowledgable, empathic etc. But not everyone is married to someone so level-headed. Some women live through their emotions encouraged by the Oprahs of this world. They are drama queens, they are not big picture thinkers. They feel their way through personal issues rather than listen to reason. Fears dominate their lives.

So if a CD were to outline his ultimate goals (assuming the CD knew what they were) then these may be too much to cope with and send progress in the wrong direction. So I believe there are different strategies for different types of people.

Also time and accustomization plays a big part in proceedings. A wife's acceptance is a combination of many factors but honesty about feelings and communication from both parties is always key.

But to go back to an ealier point, I think it is unlikely that many CDs really do know know themselves where this will all end up. People have a knack of convincing themselves that they would remain satisfied forever once they reach a certain level, only to find they want more afterall. That is just human behavior. We quickly take for granted what we have and desire more. Progression is basically inevitable but impossible to predict with any accuracy where it will stop.

[ReineD]

You make good points, Satrana, as always, except the point about some women being drama queens. I shouldn't have used that expression in my post. We all have different experiences that determine what buttons get pushed and how we handle situations, men and women both! :)

Maybe instead Crash should define more immediate goals, and share them with his wife. Or at least they should check in with one another before a dressing session, in order to avoid a situation as outlined in the OP.

My advice still stands, although tempered somewhat. :) It is still a good idea to avoid surprises. Crash, you should let your wife know how and when you would like to express yourself in the immediate future, and ask your wife about her own comfort levels so that you can both come to a happy agreement. :) And allow room for last minute changes of heart, with rain dates, of course. :)

[crashd0309]

Thank you ReineD. You have excellent ideas.

[HEART BROKEN]

In my lifes experience. I have found that people who have had early heart ache and drama above the norm are more open and accepting of people and things that the majority of society may deem out of the norm..

[Patty B.]

ReineD once again some of the best advice on this forum.

[Tara1967]

There are two times a man does'nt understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage!and during the marriage