I'm angry

[Inna]

I'm angry for god or whatever putting me here on this earth into this bondage of living. Not only just to live out my measly life but with the sadistic twist. Is this a joke, cause I ain't laughing. Just to prove the point I should take this mess of a life, away, just cause I can! How the hell am I saying to my self "I am well on my way" yeah, what the f am I thinking.
Confused, tragically pissed, pulling hairs, lost for words.

I love you all and please don't take this wrong, I am shouting out loud, I know you will understand. But I am not beautiful, I am not even anywhere close to feminine. How did I think I will do this and get to accept my self, what a bunch of bull.
I am staring at the mirror and pleading with god, please snap your fingers and make it happen, please, please, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't go back and I don't see tomorrow.

[LitaKelley]

Are you shitting me? You look like Catherine Zeta Jones for crying out loud.. and she's HOT... put on a sexy dress and dance with a big smile. Hey, if I were you, I'd go find all the celeb look a like contests and go win prizes.

[Asako]

Often, when we lose our own light of hope and stray from our path...who is it that brings us light and guidance? Our friends and loved ones. One doesn't have to physically be there either to listen or help either, like now for instance. As I saw someone else say once before on the forums here, even women have days where they look in the mirror and see an "ugly woman" staring back at them. That or someone close to you dealt a severe blow to your self esteem, confidence, and overall happiness. If it's just the former...welcome to womanhood!

[celeste26]

I truly believe that is only a stage for you and as your transition completes it will fade. Emotions running high is something I am going through right now too. After its all over you will look back and laugh at this stage (I hope) Peace is for the final stage and it is waiting for you there.

[Hope]

I think the idea that being trans is sadistic, is in your head.

I would have rather have been born to a multibillionaire who would take care of me and I would never want for anything. The fact that I was born to a single middle class mother who was a less than ideal parent wasn't sadistic, it just is. Honestly, it was a blessing, considering all of the truly horrible situations I could have been born into. But even had I been born to a fundamentalist Muslim parent in Iran... life is still a blessing. Of course - if I had been born into a situation where I was handed anything and everything I ever wanted I can't say that my life would be richer - conceivably it would be less rich without the risk of loss or the elation of success. (I think I might still be OK with it though).

I would rather have been born a girl, but being born trans wasn't sadistic - there are many things experiences that my life will have that I would never be able to have had I been born cis genderd... That is something of a blessing - but really - it isn't either a blessing or a curse - it simply is. What matters is what we do with it.

I think we all understand the pain you suffer with - I think we have all felt something similar... And you should experience it - live in it - wallow in it if you have to - it is a part of coming to terms with who and what we are... but know that it gets better. You won't always feel this way.

[prene]

I wish I had you face.
I wish you lived in PSW area, you could come out with my group.
I know you would get hit on a lot more than me.

Being in this position I know can be trying.

I love the work on your eyes and brows.
You have a good complection and color.
Did you get your eyes done at the MAC counter?

and you probably did those yourself.

[Rianna Humble]

I am not beautiful, I am not even anywhere close to feminine. How did I think I will do this and get to accept my self, what a bunch of bull.

Compared to you I make Frankenstein's Monster look pretty! Others have said already that all women go through periods of feeling ugly in front of a mirror, but please don't give up.

[Gerrijerry]

All I repeat all CD TS gay lesbian TG and straight people reach a point in their life where they wonder why me. You are not alone. Everyone understands where you are right now. We all want you to know that it is just a point in your life that will change over time. You will understand yourself one day and others will also. Just hang in and stop looking in the mirror for someone who is not there. Look at the person inside in your eyes in your heart in your soul. The love you have given to others and the support you have from all of us here. The support you can give to others. You are a part of a very large group who just need to understand that everyone counts not only to themselves but to others as well.
When I look in the mirror I don't see a male or female I see me trying to be true to myself. I will never be that perfect male or female, neither will 99% of the world. Smile you don't have to be pretty outside to know you are pretty inside. Help others and you will help yourself.

[Regina]

Alexia,

I never saw anything wrong with your looks, I'm not sure how long you have been on hormones, but it takes time. It was 6 months before I noticed anything and another 90 days before a family member said anything to me about my appearance. A watched pot never boils is the old saying....we go to the mirror everyday looking for the changes...it just takes time, hang in there.


Regina

[suzy1]

Ever thought of counting your blessings instead of feeling sorry for yourself, and looking at the horrendous lives many have in this world.

SUZY

[Melissa A.]

If you didn't feel this way from time to time, that would be remarkable. What you are feeling is a step to an understanding that many people never have the opportunity to realise. That understanding makes you unique so beyond your physical attributes or shortcomings. There have been times when I have wondered if all this effort and time is worth it, when I have thought, "if ignorance is bliss, please make me as dumb and happy as possible". Then what? My life certainly would not have been blessed with some of the most giving, insightful, beautiful people in the world, who I am lucky to have in my life. I probably would not have the abilty to see any situation or person from more than one perspective. Even random strangers, who I come in close contact with every day, have the ability to make me thankful. For every few people who see me and snicker, there is always one in who's eyes and smile I see a kinship of understanding. They aren't what I am. They don't know how it feels. But they see the genuiness and seriousness that is me, where others just see a freak playing a silly game. Those moments happen almost every day, and I'm amazingly grateful for them. As Hope said, the situation is what it is. I wasn't born to comfort and ease, and yeah, there are times I wish I was. I also wasn't born with physical female beauty and a vagina, only to know the nightmare and anguish of rape and mutilation. I believe that our particular burden comes with so many opportunities, but I didn't always feel that way, and it ain't always easy to see them. The mirror doesn't have to be your source of contentment, or frustration. if you can see the gifts within, the ones on the outside become so much clearer, too.

This has been passed around here many times, and is pretty well known within our community. But worth reading, if one never has:

http://transsexual.org/Why1.html

http://transsexual.org/cherish.html

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Inna]

You girls are the saviors! Last night has proven tough and even though I wanted to cry my brains out I couldn't because I was so angry. I should throw out mirrors, pans, and any shiny objects in the house. I know I should accept boy/girl mix but the need of expressing girl is so strong now and grows ever stronger that I am at loss. Believe me no one out there called me maam ever. I am just a guy to them and how should anyone truly know me if that is so. My avatars were idealized form of what I want to be, hence I took it down, no more ideals just plain reality. I thought this quest for beauty would inspire me and lay a ground work for near future but it proves too much of a burden. I look at me and sometimes think, not bad, and then go out and encounter GGs and think, "what am I thinking when I say Not Bad" that is when I go down onto my knees and cry. Another day is here and thanks to you I am feeling Not alone, and belonging, thanks for all your words and I take them to heart, they are so much more that just words on the screen, they are life giving! I do love you all very much!

[7sisters]

We love you too..

[Melody Moore]

You girls are the saviors! Last night has proven tough and even though I wanted to cry my brains out I couldn't because I was so angry. I should throw out mirrors, pans, and any shiny objects in the house. I know I should accept boy/girl mix but the need of expressing girl is so strong now and grows ever stronger that I am at loss. Believe me no one out there called me maam ever. I am just a guy to them and how should anyone truly know me if that is so. My avatars were idealized form of what I want to be, hence I took it down, no more ideals just plain reality. I thought this quest for beauty would inspire me and lay a ground work for near future but it proves too much of a burden. I look at me and sometimes think, not bad, and then go out and encounter GGs and think, "what am I thinking when I say Not Bad" that is when I go down onto my knees and cry. Another day is here and thanks to you I am feeling Not alone, and belonging, thanks for all your words and I take them to heart, they are so much more that just words on the screen, they are life giving! I do love you all very much!

Alexia dont ever be too harsh on yourself by ever having preconcieved notions of what you should or want to look like... we are sometimes our very own worst critic. For a start you have a lot of courage to be living as your true self than most people out there in society - so feel proud in that fact alone. Comparing yourself to GGs isnt being fair on yourself at all & there is no way I ever thought I would pass for a GG but Im just very grateful for what feminine looks I do have. Luckily I get very good positive feedback & I am sure that you have as well. So enjoy your journey and please dont ever beat yourself up like this again or I might just have to slap you instead **joking**

[Traci Elizabeth]

Alexia,

We all have those moments of doubts, moments of looking in the mirror and seeing an "Ugly Duckling" as I posted about myself several weeks ago. But as surlily as the earth turns, tomorrow brings a new day, a new light, and a new beginning. And what makes the world even more wonderful and interesting is that we are ALL different & unique mentally, emotionally, and physically.

My "Ugly Duckling" moment passed. Will it ever come back again... I am sure it will but that too will pass as we keep moving forward with our lives.

Hang in there kid and follow your heart. No one can take away your womanhood - not even YOU!

Hugs,
Traci

[SherriePall]

Alexia -- Yes, just remember that you are never alone. We all love you.

[melissaK]

Alexia, Yea. I have those days too. I think we all do. I think you might actually be normal. ;^)
hugs,
'lissa

[Olivia2]

Alexia,

I don't know what your faith or beliefs are but I've had some angry shouting moments between myself and God and I realized God could take it and I felt better after a while. In any case, as you have noticed you have many friends and supporters here and regardless of your belief system, I will be praying for you and sending out positive thoughts.

Olivia

[gabe]

Beauty comes from within, when you are feeling turmoil inside it is hard for your beauty to shine through. Hang in there.

[Danielle Gee]

Alexia, Yea. I have those days too. I think we all do. I think you might actually be normal. ;^)
hugs,
'lissa

Right on Melissa: We all go thru these phases of feeling our quest is hopless. When I've had these feelings in the past, I'll just "Man it up" for a month or so, that's usually all it takes to accept my shortcomings as a woman!!

Daniielle:hugs:

[Veronica_Jean]

Alexia,

I was given a very amazing book by someone recently that touches on the idea of being beautiful. As much as it may surprise you, many GG's struggle to believe that they are beautiful and spend years trying to find inner peace on that very subject. Whenever I feel particularly clunky and hate what the mirror shows, I reach for this very inspirational book and see for myself how much I am like many of those women.

The book is titled "I am Beautiful", and contains pages with a short verse, story, and a picture of a hugely diverse group of everyday women that share their moment when they realized they were beautiful. Some of their stories are very surprising.

Never think that those you envy don't have the same moments you have. It happens much more than you know.

I am happy to hear you are doing better today. Hnag in there and one day you will have the peace you long to have, even if it turns out a bit different than you expected.

Veronica