advice on being heckled?.........

[Deelite]

Hi girls, i had an unfortunate thing happen to me today.

Of recent i have been going out during the day shopping, its been a fantastic experience, but there is ALWAYS something that has to try and ruin it.

I went to a particular shop today that i had not been to before, because i thought they might have the boots i wanted. Well my luck was in, i found the boots, and they are fantastic.

Here's the problem....

The shop has a weird way of getting into, it has two long escalators directly next to each other, one to go in, one to go out. So i was leaving and on the down escalator, very pleased with my new purchase and minding my own business, and on the up escalator coming into the shop amongst others were some youngish men - if you can call them men! i did not look at them or anyone else, i dont make eye contact incase of a reaction, but this boy shouted very loud 'geezer!' (slang for man!) he kept repeating it to try and embarrass me, i did nothing, and completely ignored him.

I know that was probably the best thing to do, but i really wanted to shout back at him and embarrass him back! how dare he!!!!! i was very upset travelling back home! it did knock my confidence and i was going to undress and continue shopping in male mode.

What would you girls done in my situation?

Whats the best course of action? Could i have got the authorities involved?
Or is it just something we have to put up with?

If this happens again, i want to be prepared. It was an awful experience.

Oh suffice to say, i went out for the remainder of the day to another town, shopping enfemme and had no further problems! I was not going to let that person ruin my day.

Dee.

[Sandra]

It is hard not to let it bother you..but I think what you did was a good thing. One thing that Nigella does when these things happen is smile at the people/person, they don't seem to know what to do, it's as if the tables have been turned and they are embarrassed.

[Starling]

It's hate speech of course, Dee. They hoped to humiliate you, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But it sounds to me like you handled the situation just right, and didn't give them the pleasure of believing they ruined your day.

:) Lallie

[Philipa Jane]

Hi Dee.
Just had a look at your profile picture and find it hard to see what gave you away. Your facial feature look quite awesome.
You didn't perhaps have a set of tools with by any chance. LOL
PJ

[Marcia Blue]

Dee,
I am very sorry to hear about your unfortunate experience. I feel that people who must try and demean others, are very low in self esteem.

I doubt if security or staff would necessarily come to you assistance over a few malicious words.

I would have just tried to hold my head high. You really could not have done much else, unless you were willing to chase him down, and confront him. Confrontation with punks is usually best avoided.

If had been a store employee, I would have brought it to the managements attention.

[gailprice]

Sorry to hear this happened to ypu Dee, unfortunatly their are some idiots out there who will do this. you done the right thing by ignoring them. If you react you may have found that the situation would have got worse, also maybe his mates would have joined in. Then you would have felt that every one is the side of the idiot.
You look good in your avi pic and i suspect you look good in real life. As yo say in another town you found no problems.
I have to say one time i got heckled a lady and her husband had a right real go at the person.

[Ashleythenewgirl]

Deelite,
here is how I would look at it. I think you ought to reassess your confidence level. You handled a very difficult situation very well in my book, better than I would have. My belief is that you were quite courageous and you need to keep that in mind. My shopping experiences have been in very safe setting I have to admit, I was able to say in the dressing room at Lane Bryant for example. And it was all in drab.
I find how you handled this a source of inspiration Deelite. I am sorry they treated you so badly, no one should. But to try and stay positive you were really great under fire.

[daphne g]

i think the best thing to do, is be a geezer
grab this prat by the neck and give him a good shake
i think that would humiliate him but then it could escelate
you may have done the best thing there
i bet hes feeling really big now

[JenniferB]

i think the best thing to do, is be a geezer
grab this prat by the neck and give him a good shake

That's almost a guaranteed way to end up in the ER of the nearest Hospital.

[PretzelGirl]

I think you did exactly what you should have in the store. Adding Sandra's suggested smile would have been a good addition. Beyond that? Anything more could have caused an escalation and you don't need that. But also evaluate how you felt after. If you had passed someone that gave you a knowing wink, would you have gotten into male mode to continue shopping? What was the difference? In one instance you had a complete moron notice you. In my fake one, you had a nice person give you a knowing wink. Should you let a moron change the mood of your day?

[Deelite]

Thankyou ladies, for your help and lovely words!

Philipa, LOL! yeah i had a tool belt on with my work tools! I dont know what made him read me, it might of been my foundation, i wasnt quite as generous as i usually am and maybe he saw some beard shadow.

Whe he was shouting, i didnt even look in his direction, nothing but looking straight ahead. Like you have said here, i thought it would make him look the idiot for shouting at apparently nothing!

Yeah, i hope in a weird way you get inspiration from this, i had'nt thought of it that way. Returning home from that situation, i was thinking thats it, thats my shopping over today! No, No, NO!! i am not going to let this person win!!! if i go home and dress in boy mode, he would of won and got what he wanted.

I thought of it like falling off a bike, you have to get right back on! So i went to my local supermarket straight after and did my weekly grocery shopping enfemme! Never done that before! (yes it was fun!) and like i said i went to another town after that and shopped there, for several hours and bought a fab new dress!

So in a way i won, i got the boots i wanted and a gorgeous minidress! What goes around comes around in my book, that person will at some point have it happen to them.

Dee.

[Emily_3]

you did the right thing in this situation, you didn't let him get too you.

If it had been me, I would have turned a deaf ear and carried on walking, then when I got home, re-evaluated the day and ask myself a few questions,

1. what blew my cover?
2. what remedial action will I take to avoid it next time?

The answer to question 1 could be a number of things, i.e too much makeup or not enough, the wrong type of outfit, once you know what you did wrong then you can take steps to rectify it for next time

[t-girlxsophie]

Im afraid its something that goes with the territory.you did best ignoring the twat these people are just trying to be the big I am,reacting to them is exactly what they want.once In Glasgow I reacted to one of these morons and Immediately felt anger with myself for letting them get the reaction they wanted.Remember we have as much right to exist as them.Hold your head high and show the dignity we possess that ppl that hate us can never have


:hugs:Sophie xx

[charlie]

Hello Dee!
I think that for most of us we will be read from time to time no matter how good we look. I accept that every time I go out. And there have been a few times that I'm read and have had my confidence shaken a bit. The last time I was leaving a Ross store and the check out person at the register stopped what she was doing and yelled "Good bye" and waved at me as I was leaving. I waved back and kept going. Was she just super friendly to just me... or trying to make me uncomfortable? Before that I was leaving a movie and the girl in front of me said to her two friends "Look! That lady is a female impersonator"! Her friends looked but could care less. I think if we go out, we will get made at some time. It is just part of being a CD.

[abigailf]

Ignoring was the right thing. I also like the smiling idea. A smile is often contagious. Another thing, don't be afraid to look people in the eye when you pass them. You are proud of who you are you should show it. I wonder if you had looked and smiled at him first if you would have gotten a completely different reaction from him.

Either way. don't let it get you down. Life is full of disappointments. Especially when "young adults" are involved. Just get over the ordeal and move on to your next outing. You look great and if I cross paths with you I would have no choice but to smile.

[Teri Jean]

Okay Dee, you probably did the right thing by not responding. For me it would have conjured a remark back. Something like "young man if you cannot afford me keep it to yourself" or "that is not what you said last night, I'm hurt". Now if it a young girl or woman it would be something like "I choose to be a woman, what's your excuse". I would have to say don't p*ss me off or the claws come out and then nothing is off limits.

Teri

[Proteus]

Gain a few stones, make a croydon facelift, pull on a pair of soiled trackpants and put a cig in your mouth and he'd have hit on you instead! :stirthepot:

Jennifer is right, though, these guys carry knives.

[Missy Tanya]

I agree that you handled it right. Not so sure if I would have though. You did the best thing by not letting it bother you and just keep on doing what you want. Nothing better to pick one's self up than shopping. And cute boots, to boot!!!

Tanya

[juno]

I think if you ignore them, they know it bothers you. It is best to face them with a smile. They get pleasure from making you feel bad. It is better to show that you are confident enough that getting outed doesn't matter. Some sort of come-back is OK, but I would avoid showing anger, or they have won. Something like "What is your problem? Haven't you ever seen a transvestite before??" might work. Or, just carry a taser in your purse, and use it.

[Stephenie S]

Whats the best course of action? Could i have got the authorities involved?
Or is it just something we have to put up with?

********************************
Sweetie. What was the best course of action?

Just what you did. There are ALWAYS gonna be jerks and infantile idiots in your life. Do you really think you can prevent this sort of thing from happening? Well, you can't. Ever. If it wasn't CDing, it would be something else. Wearing a shirt from the wrong sports team, or having thick eyeglasses, or dressing like a hippie. If you are going to go out and about in this world no matter who or what you are, you are gonna run into people like this occasionally. So? You wanna know what to do? You already do. You did the right thing. You want to fight? Yeah, right. There's your testosterone showing, hon. Leave it.

Listen, hon. You didn't even look at him. How do you know he was aiming his stupid remarks at you? You were just feeling a bit self conscious, right? Someone above (Abigail), said, "don't be afraid to look people in the eye". She is 100% right. Look right at the jerk. Give him a BIG smile and a wave, turn and be on your way. You can never control other people's behavior, but you can control your own. Smile. A smile will diffuse many a tricky situation.

Don't waste any time at all worrying about how to deal with jerks. Remember, many men think it's always open season on women. Get used to it.

Stephie

[Deelite]

Gain a few stones, make a croydon facelift, pull on a pair of soiled trackpants and put a cig in your mouth and he'd have hit on you instead!

You dont know how close you are to the truth! i was in an area where 'kappa slappers' are rife! LOL! Seriously though, joking aside when i am dressed like most of you i feel very, very vulnerable! So thats why i didnt confront the guy or make eye contact with anyone. To be honest i am new to going out daytime, i am glad i didnt give him the satisfaction of winning, but i think the smile trick i will use next time.

Either that or a handy can of pepper spray might sort him out! LOL! (only joking!)

Thanks girls, you have cheered me up, its being on here and talking to you girls that makes the difference!

Dee.

[kitchenette]

Deelite. I think you did absolutely the right thing. Ignore it and get back on the horse. Well done! I'm a GG on the forum and I'd like to add that from the time I was 14 to about 23 I was heckled all the time - just for being a girl. It happened so many times and in so many ways that it's rather too much to detail here - but let's say they were every color and age of the male rainbow!! Some people are just so uncomfortable with themselves, they have to hurt others. It's a sad state of affairs. Here's what I learned:

1.When you are alone, that makes you an easier target.
2.When you say anything (funny, angry, whatever) back, it's dangerous. (Unless your at a party and you know the person.)
3.It has NOTHING to do with "what gave you away." Just as in my case, I didn't "do" anything to deserve to be heckled. (The worst you did was probably turn him on, and then he became afraid.) You are beautiful. And you are a human being. EVERY human should be treated with respect and kindness.

Stay brave and never let it get to you. It's not about you. It's about them.

Hugs!

[joandher]

Here in the U.K. Its classed as sexual harassment, which is a criminal offence, and if in a shop or mall you could complain to the store staff,or any of the security staff and they would have dealt with it

Hugs J-JAY

[Starling]

...one time i got heckled a lady and her husband had a right real go at the person.

Gail, that's so great! Made me weep just a little. I bet there are lots of good folks like that out there, more than there are jerks.

:) Lallie

[tamarav]

Now combine what happened to you and think what happens to GGs all over the world everyday. They get taunted, bullied and called all sorts of things. I work with a lot of girls that come in crying or pissed because someone said something to them that was rude. Usually it is an insecure kid or even another spiteful woman, but the impact is the same.

Over the years I have had my share of hateful remarks, and I still do, and some I handled the same as you did, others may have gone haywire, but the fact that some unknown person made rude remarks still stings and is hard to forget.

Keep your wits about you and realize just what a pathetic person the other person was and that you are a much better person than they will ever be. You may even feel sorry for them for being so downright ignorant....

[Deelite]

Kitchenette,

It makes me feel better that even GG's suffer from this! (as awful as that sounds! big hug to you!) I think you are so right that had i'd been with a friend, he would of not said anything! He was just showing off in front of his friends to pick on someone who was vulnerable, and knew they wouldnt fight back. A coward in other words.
As others have said here, i can not stop people heckling me, its going to happen, and its something i will get used to over time. Its something thats not happened before. One thing for sure i am not going stop dressing, especially because of a low life like that.
Its an interesting thought that you might think i might of turned him on, maybe he thought, oh its a girl, oh Cr*p! its not a girl, ive been had!, its a guy, i feel stupid now i must shout at that person for fooling me.

I realise thick skin does come with being a CD, its something i am learning fast.

Thankyou and everyone for your help.

Dee.

[joannemarie barker]

Wow nobody is safe from it if you're not :(

[prene]

I agree with Tamara Ann Valla.
When you confront a crazy person . . . with people around "which on is the crazy one".
"The Crazy one or the one confronting the crazy one".

I have been harrassed a few times not as bad but it still felt bad.
Good luck and keep your head I wish I looked as good as you.

[kitchenette]

Deelite - Just to add to the absurdity of it all.. I was just thinking about the "bad old days" when I was younger and remembering the crazy things men used to say to me...
The outlandish: "You shave your legs, why don't you shave your armpits?"
The ubiquitous: "Nice titties."
The classy: "How much for the girl?"
It was endless!!! Non-stop. As soon as I walked out my door and all day long. On the street, at school, at work, nowhere was safe. You are lovely and young, so it's just going to happen for a while...! Once I hit 28, it kinda went away. It never happens anymore.

Chin up!!

[Deelite]

Hi kitchenette

Do you know what, a part of me feels ashamed about being male, when men treat women like the way you were treated. Especially now i have been on the recieving end of being heckled. Being a CD we are different to these men and that i can be very, very thankful for.

Hugs, Dee.

[Ashleythenewgirl]

Deelite,
Do the best you can at being a CD (as you do) and that more than makes up for ignorant gits like those at the mall.
Ashley

[Alice Torn]

Reminds me of my first day out dressed. Got yelled at, with obscenities by guys passing in a car, later some teens shouted, "OMG" several times after seeing me walking a sidewalk. Later that day, a man asked me to give his battery a jump start, then told his kids "don't look". I ignored all that, and stayed quiet.

[divamissz]

Not taking the bait was the best thing to do. You're not going to change their minds, so why bother? And getting into a shouting match just makes them look like they're right and you really are mental...

Okay, now what I do-Look straight at them, smile, then walk away. Let them wonder what the hell that is supposed to mean! Unless I think I'm in physical danger, then you're going to lose a body part...

[Tasha McIntyre]

Hi Dee, awkward situation isn't it. I'll bet nothing would have been said if this neanderthal was alone, as he was probably just grandstanding for his mates. I think you handled the situation well by not responding. Personally I would have just smiled widely back at him and maintained eye contact.

The one and only time I was heckled (barely rates as a heckle) was when another couple was in a dress shop where I was browsing, and something a tad deragatory was mentioned in my direction. Well, the SA serving me gave them "the look" and quite calmly but firmly informed them that although all customers are welcome here, we prefer polite ones. I didn't have to say anything. Priceless moment :)

Tash

[Annaliese2010]

Hey girl, look at you! I mean LOOK at you Dee! You're hot with a capital H! True true and you know it! If you don't you should. Dunno how you couldn't :)

Point is...foolish people like the one you mention - and all others combined - are so below you, so unimportant, so underneath your radar screen they are invisible to you. When neanderthals attempt to communicate to superior beings it's quite entertaining isn't it? If I ever find myself in that situation it wouldn't affect me cuz I already disdain most people anyways - it's just my personality - not out of dislike, it's just the way I've always been. I don't think very many ppl in that collective animal called 'the general public' are worth interacting with, listening to or even recognizing extant. I mean lets face it girl, most ppl you randomly encounter in your day to day doings are all so predictable, boring and usually on the make. Am I right?

But... should you choose to tune-in to them it's sometimes worth it. Sort of like going to the zoo. So... if a silly chimpanzee makes funny, just smile - if it annoys you, be aloof with a pretty pokerface tude as you flash it your middle finger. If it really annoys you, blow it a kiss and with a tone of mild playful mockery say "Oh don't YOU wish!" or "Only in your dreams boo boo". :battingeyelashes:

[TxKimberly]

Personally I think you did exactly the right thing. . .

[Jason+]

Reminds me of my first day out dressed. Got yelled at, with obscenities by guys passing in a car, later some teens shouted, "OMG" several times after seeing me walking a sidewalk. Later that day, a man asked me to give his battery a jump start, then told his kids "don't look". I ignored all that, and stayed quiet.

Louise, hats off to you for helping him anyways. For me the children would have been the only reason that lummox wouldn't have walked home.

Deelite, I like the smile idea perhaps with a wave and a thank you to go with it followed by a dismissive turn away to go about your business.

[linda.wai]

My way of dealing with hecklers is the same as dealing with stray dogs that bark and chase me. I just ignore them. I will not respond by walking faster or by interacting. I just try ti act normal and not give them the joy of being responded to.

[debbie55]

I cant believe we are on page two and no one has asked for pics of the new boots and dress yet.

Dee you have been an inspiration to me to get out there, you look fabulous and 'I’m sure the reason the goon reacted the way he did was because he checked you out first, thinking what those types think, ohh err, he must have been pretty interested to look long enough to find some tell you may have had.

you did the right thing imho

[Carla Stevens]

Yep, I have to agree with everyone else. You did the right thing.
I bet everyone around him wondered what he was going on about.:heehee:
If you had have reacted to him, he's then got what he wanted. Don't give them the satisfaction.

[GirlieAmanda]

This IS my biggest fear when I am dressed. This kinda thing is the thing that makes me think twice about going out. I hate it. I know it would be rare but I just fear it. I think I look pretty good but dammit I can't look good enough to totally be not scared of not only hecklers but judging looks by other women. I do draw strength from your handling of the situation. I know I would have handled it EXACTLY the same. I am super non-confrontational. I would have been shaken too. I don't know how I would have been after. I hope like you saying Damn the torpedoes!! and continuing on.

[Kari Lynn Franks]

I just look them straight in the eye smile and sometimes ill even wave

[Fab Karen]

Do the same as any GG would do- ignore them. If you give a reaction you have given them what they want. You don't have to look everyone in the eyes, but don't try to hide your face or look down.

[RachelPortugal]

Dee,

Can't offer any advice that hasn't already been given. All I can say is that I think you did the right thing by ignoring the oik. By not making eye contact or responding verbally and unless he was physically pointing at you, other shoppers' attentions would have been drawn to him shouting rather than you. I also think you were wise to head for another town, you may well have bumped into the oik later in the day in a closer encounter than on adjacent escalators.

I assume you were shopping locally in Hampshire, and knowing that you love Primark, as do I, the store layout you described resembles a Primark that I frequent when in England. It can be annoying that the menswear dept is right next to the ladies shoes, on the other hand it is close enough to peruse the ladies shoes if you are a nervous shopper.

[DianeDeBris]

Dee and all -- I second the safety-and-dignity-first points that have been made so very well. Now would you mind helping me (isolated here in the Cowboy State!) to understand what "croydon facelift" and 'kappa slappers' are <g>? Thanks, and big hugs!! Diane

[Ruth]

Dee, I'm sure you reacted the right way, and don't let one idiot spoil your day or put you off the joys of walking out en femme. I think, looking at your avatar, that the boy very likely was checking you out as a very attractive young woman, then somehow he made you, and his reaction was born out of extreme embarrassment and discomfort: in fact he was probably just as upset as you were! But he lacked your poise and self-control.
So look at it that way - you definitely came out on top in that confrontation.

[Rianna Humble]

i think the best thing to do, is be a geezer
grab this prat by the neck and give him a good shake

If you are going to react as a geezer, the neck is too high up, you should do a Vinnie Jones and grab him by the brains - you know those two round bits between his legs :heehee:

Seriously, Dee, you are right there will always be people who react in this way to anything outside of their own tiny world and you did exactly the right thing by ignoring him. Please don't let this incident knock your confidence for six, you showed not only courage but also dignity. Good on you!

[Jilmac]

I have been read on several occasions being out as Jill and have gotten the usual looks and stares. Most of the time I just flash a big smile and walk on. If I'm confronted by someone with a smart comment my standard comeback is, "thanks for noticing me, I'm having such a fabulous time, you should try it sometime". That will usually take the wind out of their sails and they'll walk away red faced. If you have a quick comeback or simply smile at the louts to let them know it doesn't bother you, it can make your outings much more pleasurable.

[Daenna Paz]

my standard comeback is, "thanks for noticing me, I'm having such a fabulous time, you should try it sometime".

I absolutely love this!! ;^)

Can't wait to be heckled again (or can I?) :doh:

[Fab Karen]

Now would you mind helping me (isolated here in the Cowboy State!) to understand what "croydon facelift" and 'kappa slappers' are <g>? Thanks, and big hugs!! Diane
I suspect many of us are wondering what those are, translated into English :)

[t-girlxsophie]

Dee and all -- I second the safety-and-dignity-first points that have been made so very well. Now would you mind helping me (isolated here in the Cowboy State!) to understand what "croydon facelift" and 'kappa slappers' are <g>? Thanks, and big hugs!! Diane

Not sure about croydon facelift is but can guess Diana,as for "kappa slappa"there is a section of UK youth (and some elders,who should know better)who dress in kappa shell suits and burburry,both guys and girls,known as Chavs in England and Neds here in Scotland,usually seen on street corners slugging from bottles of cheap Cider,merely an annoyance and public nuisance more than anything.

:hugs:Sophie x

[Sophie86]

I think you did great. Don't strain your brain over what "blew your cover." You're beautiful regardless of whether you "pass", and you have every right to be out in the world dressed the way you like without some idiot hassling you.

[Noemi]

Baby you did good. All situations are different, looking in the eyes and smiling is a bold move but can get your cute little behind in trouble too because you do not know how far the other party will take things. The smiling thing may work with in a controlled environment like work or the salon with a frequent offender etc but you do not know what the public will do. I do not like confrontations either and replay them in my mind as I am sure you have been doing.

This person who did the heckling is attracting much negativity to himself, he is in a dark place and odds are has problems he is dealing with. Perhaps you turned him on and he did not like, could not handle what he was feeling. As with most men, almost none of them are really "straight" . My point here is that the kid has to face his own problems, this situation, in the end has little to do with you.
You look nice. And none of this will stop you from expressing yourself.

[tricia_uktv]

Hi Dee,

I'm afraid it goes with the territory. They are playing on your weakness so if you don't show any they give up. I would have smiled and winked at the idiot, and if that didn't work blow him a kiss.

Don't let the buggers grind you down, there are only a very few of them,

Hugs and get back on the horse,

[Jeanna]

Hi Dee,
You smiled and that showed that you are stronger than them. and for that, I'm proud of you! You look like a pretty lady. Sometimes you'll find that you'll be picked on though you haven't been read. Those kind of predators pick on anyone weaker than them. They would never challenge if they thought they could lose. I know your frustration and I would like to kick the snot out of them too, but that would bring me to their level.

[TinaMc]

Think a Croydon Facelift is a ponytail pulled back so tight it basically gives you a facelift (I've heard it called Council Estate Facelift). Eg:
http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Media/Pix/gallery/2004/06/01/gallery_michelle.jpg

[msginaadoll]

Dee, Im sorry I forgot most of your posting other than Boots! Have I ever told you I love them soo. Well I'm sorry to hear ya ran into a jerk, but am impresses at the way you handled things. Continuing on shopping shows what you are made of. I have not been harrassed yet, but when I do (and I only pass as a CD, unlike you- a lovely lady)and I will I hope I show your fortitude and determination. Now about those boots!

[jenni_xx]

i did not look at them or anyone else, i dont make eye contact incase of a reaction, but this boy shouted very loud 'geezer!' (slang for man!) he kept repeating it to try and embarrass me, i did nothing, and completely ignored him...it did knock my confidence and i was going to undress and continue shopping in male mode.

Who knows, maybe a GG stood behind you had her confidence knocked because she thought the boy was shouting it at her! Or maybe he actually was!!!