about to explode...

[jeannanj]

Hi Everyone,
When I joined this site I fully intented to come out to my SO after reading so many post here. Well, that day still hasn't arrived and now it is getting more and more difficult to live with this secret...afterall it has been over 25 years now. In the past I would never think of dressing when there was the slightest chance of being caught. Now I find myself dressing while everyone is asleep..I'll sit out back on our deck, occassionally walk up and down the sidewalk out front. This usually last for about 5 or 10 minutes before I quickly remove my things and hide them away. Almost as if I want to be caught, I do know this would be the worst way for my SO to find out. Not long ago I read a post something like "Do you think about dressing more than you actually do" ..OMG. I'm constantly thinking about it. Each and everytime I see an attractive women all I can think of is how I want to look like her, dress as she does etc. I believe part of my problem is I haven't been able to dress fully in months... even when partially enfemme it is only for moments. Moments of my heart racing in fear of being caught as well. To make matters worse I just picked up a pair of ankle boots that I haven't worn yet lol.

I know the right thing to do is to speak to my SO..believe me I have planned on it so many nights. So nervous I could barely speak. The fear of losing her and or my children. In the past my need to be enfemme has faded for many years at a time. Doesn't seem to be going anywhere this time around. See now this is the reason I joined this forum months ago..just need someone to talk to :)

Thanks so much for listening, Jeanna

[Sallee]

you better do it it will only get worse and youwill feel so much better after you do. And it won't be as hard as your making it out to be once you get started I speak from experience

[Elle1946]

I told my SO, for better or worse, and it turned out better. It did require some therapy for both of us. It has been about 15 years since I told her and we went shopping today, I got a nice skirt and top. I think that telling them is better than them just finding out, because they may wonder what else you have been hiding. Mine life has worked out fine since I told her. I know that not all CD's are not this lucky, but living with it bottled up is not good either, I know because that is the way that I was before I told her. Good Luck for which ever path you take. This is just the way it went for me.

[Tara1967]

I guess all of us married cd'ers have had to go through that. I know that in some cases it is the best policy to let her know you need to talk to her and have a couple of hours set aside and that there will be no interupting. But we know our wives better than anyone else on here does. And we know that not all wives accept us. It can go either way, and only you can be the one that can predict what her response will be. 25 years of marriage, that's a long time to have kept this secret from her. Of course upon telling her, you would want the best of acceptance, and that is 100% acceptance. But surpisingly, it can go the other way, like she saying oh no, I can't accept this and wants to divorce. That is the major fear of cd's not coming clean from the start, and thus making it worse as time goes by.
But in weighing out the fact that she would want to leave and if you could accept that, then come clean to her and hope she understands. Of course it will take many months for her to totally accept as mine did. And while I was at SCC last month, I talked with a GG SO of a lifelong cd. She made a good point. And that is that her husband (CD), has had 50 years to know and learn of himself. And the one thing that many cd's don't understand is that you can't expect a wife to take all of your learning and knowing who and what you are in one week of disclosure. Keep that in mind when you have the talk. Let her know after the first time you disclose all that you can to her, let her know, just say, honey I'm glad I have told you about this and how it has been such a weight off of me, and that this isn't the end of my disclosure, always feel free honey to ask me anything about this at anytime.
Like when I told my wife, she did ask a lot of questions, and some questions I wanted at first to tell her something different from the truth. I didn't withhold anything from her. So when you tell her and the questions start coming everyday,, Always tell the truth, don't go part way. Like the scripture, the truth will set you free. I learned that the whole truth is the best. In other words, give her everything that has to do with your cd'ing, and withhold nothing. My life is so much better because of it today.........................Tara

[AKAMichelle]

I plotted and planned to tell my wife for over a year before I did. It didn't go well, but after 2.5 years everything is fine. It takes time and sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. The only thing that I don't get is that the closer we get to divorce, the more acceptance I get. On the 23rd she is going to a halloween party with me dressed. The other day she saw me dressed partially for the first time.

Prepare a lot for what you are about to do and go for it. Don't let her discover you dressed as it will only make matters much worse at first. Good luck to you

[alan 1]

im not married but when i told my gf about me wanting to cross dress she actually liked the idea

[Patty B.]

You sure need to tell your wife, honesty is the best policy, hard as it may be. Being caught dressed could definately make things worse not better. Telling your wife may be bad and may get a lot worse before you stand any chance of it getting better. I waited to long to tell my wife and at first things were not to bad, but have deteriorated maybe to the point of no return, hope not, but keep going anyway. Times were different then, something my wife wont recognize or acknowledge, but at least I told her and she didn't have to find out accidently. So many regrets. If you decide to tell her, you will need uninterrupted time together, because this is a big deal. You probably cant anticipate her reaction or how she'll feel in the future only have as much info to help break this news.

[Tasha McIntyre]

Hi Jeanna,

I made the decision to tell my wife after 8 years together. Even after making that decision it took me over a month to actually get the words out to her. It didn't go really well, but wasn't a disaster either. The big thing though, was not having to hide anything anymore.

This gem of a thread may help you.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

Good luck.

Tash :)

[Tina B.]

I think I'm the exception, not the rule, after five years of marriage we where having some serious trouble. She went home to mother and had been gone a week, when e had decided to sit down and talk about where things where headed. During that conversation I decided I could not spend the rest of my live living a secret life in my own home, so I told her all about my dressing, she came home, we went shopping, I got easier to live with, and we have had a great marriage every since. Oh, that was about 35 years ago. Now we share the master bedroom closet 1/2 and 1/2, there are no male clothes in it, I put my male clothes in a smaller closet just off the bedroom, it's just not big enough for all of Tina's stuff.
But then there are many stories out there of girls that it didn't go so well for. You know her, and after that long of a marriage, how she feels about thing, how excepting she might me. And even then it's a crap shoot.
Tina B.

[Aprilrain]

And EXPLODE you will if you do nothing. Of course you must do as you see fit but keeping gigantic secrets from loved ones whom you live with has a tendency to be problematic. Crossdressing seems to have a bad habit of growing exponentially. One day your walking up and down your block at 2:00 am and the next your all dressed up (probably badly so) waiting for your family to come home so you can make the big annoucment! OK maybe not that bad but you get my meaning. Regardless of how you feel about CDing or what you think others feel about it it's not going to evaporate in to thin air and go away. Get a therapist versed in gender issues. Good luck.

[PortiaHoney]

And there you have it hun.

Take a coin and toss it in the air. You never know if it's heads or tails until it hits the ground - no matter how much research or surreptitious questioning you may do.

What it does boil down to is honesty and trust. You have to be HONEST with each other - and TRUST that your love for each other will carry you through this trying time.

If one or the other KEY ingredient is missing, then it will fail. BUT, it will have failed eventually regardless. Just a matter of time or circumstance really.

Good luck with telling the "missus" and I really do hope it works out for you. Lord knows we need another good news story.

Huggs

Portia

[sissystephanie]

The best time to tell your wife is BEFORE the marriage! Obviously you cannot do that now, but you do need to tell her! And as soon as possible. Would you like her to have a similar secret from you? Probably not, so why do it to her! After 25 years it is way past time to tel her, so do it now!!!

Just make sure that she knows you are always her Man, regardless of what kind of clothes you are wearing! I told my late wife that I was a CD when I proposed to her. She accepted me "as is," and we had almost 50 years together before cancer took her! She always knew that I was her man, and that I had no desire to be a woman! I just like to dress like one!

The best of luck to you and your wife!!

[JohnH]

To ease that news to your SO, maybe what you ought to do is before Halloween place your garments in your closet in plain sight, and tell her that those clothes will be a Halloween costume.

Then start wearing your lady-like clothes around the house - start with a denim skirt with everything else being conventional male attire. Then expand outwards.

Maybe it's a bit more difficult when a man adopts a woman's mindset, and works to pass as a woman while he is wearing skirts, dresses, and heels - which I don't do. I wear the skirts, dresses, and heels - my wife wears only short or pants, and flat shoes.

[Lucy_Bella]

She is your wife after all and she deserves to know, rather at first or 20 some odd years later .. I wouldn't jump out the door in a tutu either I would sit her down and have a serious conversation . There is a " Sticky Thread " some here recommend you read before telling a loved one.

The bright side is, getting the monkey off your back the down side of it is looseing trust, you may no longer have your 5 minutes of self indulging . I would make sure you know the facts about where you fit in as far as being a Crossdresser so when you talk to your wife you can give her straight answers.There will be plenty of questions from her.

It is never a good thing to keep a secret such as this about yourself from your wife, so expect a little anger from her and allow her to express it. Even though her opinion about who you are may change the only way she is going to know that you are the same guy she married is by showing it.. Be yourself..

Good luck.

[Sandra]

To ease that news to your SO, maybe what you ought to do is before Halloween place your garments in your closet in plain sight, and tell her that those clothes will be a Halloween costume.

Then start wearing your lady-like clothes around the house - start with a denim skirt with everything else being conventional male attire. Then expand outwards.



Really and then what is said when her wife's starts to ask questions? what your suggesting is just lying.

Jenna

Please try and find the right time to tell your wife, both for your sake and hers. It can't be doing you any good keeping this to yourself..of course it would have been better to tell her right from the start but that's water under the bridge now, so you have to look forward.

Try to have it sorted in your mind on how and what you want to say, tell her you would like to sit and have a chat ask her to hear you out before she says anything. Be prepared for the questions that will no doubt come and answer them as honestly as you can, don't give answers that you think she wants to here.

If and when you tell her try to re-assure her that she is not alone and maybe point her in the direction of this forum and the FAB forum.

Good luck.

[Ruth]

I've been there, where you are now. Really the only way forward is to tell her. And it's definitely tell not show; she may never want to see you dressed, even if she accepts your CDing.
However, I showed Ruth to my wife soon after our 'talk', and it was a relief to both of us that she found my femme self acceptable. But wait and see how it goes for you.

[Amanda22]

The big thing though, was not having to hide anything anymore.

Tasha, that is a really excellent point. Regardless of the outcome (rejection/acceptance/encouragement), you just won't be carrying around a secret any longer. Keeping a huge secret until you feel like exploding isn't a healthy kind of stress.

[sonia_dargency]

I kept it a secret for 23 years; the "talk" started a year long domestic disaster; crossdressing is still a off limit topic of conversation; dressing has been eradicated;

yet, I recommend to tell her, but

do your homework and read those sticky threads about coming out ot your SO
read what the GG of this forum have to say and learn
focus on what you can give rather than what you want to get
be her man, she will need it more than ever
be a man - great reading at http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2008/05/how-to-be-a-man/

never give up

good luck to you both

[jayn]

the hints are not helpful. I look back and remember things my so said that I now see were attempts at checking out the waters-but nothing but the sit down and talk will do. I would also appeal to you to expect setbacks, and perhaps always go back to, I love you, this is part of me that I don't want to hide from you anymore, or some such "bottom line". Also, let her talk and ask questions, over and over. And forgive her if she gets upset and then tries again. If you can't tell, I have heard that after soooooo many hints and I did not react well, my biggest fear was/is that I am not the right woman for my so.

as sonia said above-Never give up, good luck to you both
I'm not giving up, jayn

[docrobbysherry]

It starting growing in me after I came out online here 3 years ago!:eek:

I felt like I MUST TELL SOMEONE! So, I DID! I told an old girlfriend who lives far away now. She was ALWAYS SO ACCEPTING! :brolleyes:

And at first, she made positive comments about Sherry! :)
Then, after awhile, she said she didn't want to see or hear about my dressing. And, it has DEFINITELY cooled the relations we HAD BEFORE I TOLD HER!:sad:

Now, when I feel that urge to TELL SOMEONE, I bite my tongue until it passes!:doh:

[Leslie Langford]

Jeanna,

I highly recommend that you visit these two websites and check out the valuable information contained in them, which is very pertinent to your particular situation:

Dixie Darling's GRITS website:

http://dixie-darling.angelfire.com/menu.html

And the Partners section from the Yvonne's Place website:

http://www.yvonnesplace.net/index2.html

As the other gurlz in this thread have said, there is no guarantee which way things will go once you have made your revelation. The key, however, is to be proactive and not to have to respond to a situation in which you find yourself accidentally outed. This just escalates the anxiety and negativity factor exponentially and makes it that much harder to get the SO on board. For most women, the fact that the CDer has been less than honest about this deep, dark secret in the past is a far bigger issue than the crossdressing itself. You can't undo the past in this regard, but as they say, confession is good for the soul. If you take this approach, initiate "the" discussion when you feel that she might be in a receptive mood, and go into it well prepared with facts and information of the type that I have pointed you towards, you will definitely be raising the odds of a positive outcome by a large margin.

Good luck! :hugs:

[NicoleScott]

Proceed cautiously. Maybe start a general (not about you) conversation when there's a show on TV about crossdressing, sexual reassignment, or other transgender issues. Or a magazine article or movie clip (when Tony Curtis recenttly died, all the news articles featured a clip from his movie where he crossdressed). Read her reactions as the conversation progresses, proceed with caution, and stop when you sense she views cd-ing as a marriage-ender. Unless, that is, you're determined to tell her at all costs. Lots of posts here say that you must tell her. Maybe so, just know that it doesn't always turn out good, but not everyone will warn you of that.

[jayn]

I wonder how many cd wives have over reacted-not had someone (besides her so) to talk to and ended up in a corner (by herself). I wish that I could have found this site and the gg/fab sections to read and converse. It all seems so different than anything that we have ever faced before, so it's like finding a girl in the bed with your husband! I know that sounds stupid, but without any reference (Nicole-I loved Tony Curtis in that movie, but I thought of it as some stunt-not something that he (or my lover) would be secretly doing since childhood)-sorry, without any reference, a woman does not know how to react-it was irrational but I did feel like another woman was there, and my choice was to accept her in bed or she would be his secret (and favorite) girl. I am not saying this makes any sense, just feelings, and ignorance of crossdressing. Because, really, it remains one of the most hidden things, so when it comes up in a woman's relationship, she reacts like she would to any other panty wearing pretty woman........or this was my reaction. I just wonder how many women would feel the way I do now if their first reactions could be forgiven (by husbands AND by themselves. I guess I am saying the big big jump to feeling like I could accept and love this was having this community. Don't know if that helps-it must be scary as he** to start that conversation.

[JohnH]

Hi Jeanna,

I don't know what to say about you innocent cross dressing desires - it's too bad you started cross dressing in secret instead of doing it openly.

Maybe others will do things a bit differently and not start cross dressing in secret.

With me I keep my skirts, dresses, and heels in plain sight and wear them openly around my wife and around the neighborhood. I have such a reputation for wearing dresses that my wife's boss, who is a woman, invited us over for thanksgiving said she did not want me to wear a dress.

Here is my rant and rave - let's see 100 years ago when women did not wear pants - some wife sneaks off the to the back porch to put on a plaid flannel shirt and a pair of pants - or maybe it's a coat and tie. She's afraid to tell her husband that she cross dresses in men's clothing.

See how stupid and restrictive society is toward the clothing choices allowed for men?

Kind regards,

John

[il.dso]

Sounds like a very difficult and stressful situation.
Unfortunately, I cannot offer definitive advice because
my situation is somewhat similiar. I actually told my wife before we were
married and we had a mostly open situation for many years.
And then with the kids, the house, work and life stressors, it's not really a part of our
lives together and I'm really back in the closet with secrecy and no discussions.
In the meantime, I am consumed with crossdressing, dressing as frequently as possible,
accumulating an amazing number of outfits, underdressing, and writing on cd websites.
Well, that's my situation, and if misery loves company, I hope my words and best wishes to
you are of some comfort. Good luck.

[Marissa]

Lots of posts here say that you must tell her. Maybe so, just know that it doesn't always turn out good, but not everyone will warn you of that.

Jean, I'm glad that Nicole put it right on what the turn out can be..so remember..this is all just advice, personal experiences, etc. What you do or don't do is of your own free will..I"m sorry I have to state this but in the past, a few threads are started about how bad an outcome was experienced and the blame was put on members here because the words "you have to tell her" were used.

I do wish you all the luck..and agree that what you are doing in midst of the night sounds like a way to get caught and have to face it all.. not the best way, so consider all that is said. I can't offer much due to my divorce was base on other issues, but dressing only came at the end and not the major factor.

Hugs,
Marissa

[gretchen2]

The truth shall set you free.

[Tammy V]

Honey, I feel your pain. I have been ging through the same thing recently with my wife. After 10 years of marriage I finally got the nerver to tell her last weekend. I had planned on dressing her for Halloween and seeing how she reacted. She had actually agreed to let me do it, but after talking with others and getting advise here on this forum, I decided to tell her the whole truth about my female side beforehand. As a result I will not be dressing for her this Halloween. It is just too soon, but I have been pleasantly surprised and somewhat releived at her reaction. It will take time and there will be a lot of questions and so far my wife has been quite understanding, mostly accepting, but I cannot say she is supportive yet. I do hope she will get to that point but do not know. As far as how to tell her, just try to find the best way and it might be one of the hardest things you ever do. I began by talking about my childhood dressing and everything just sort of flowed after that. Good luck and I really beleive this may turn out better than you think.

[DonnaT]

The truth shall set you free.
One way or the other!

[MiamiMarie]

Good luck with whatever you decide to do or don't do. But if you decide to do this, please come correct, honestly, and gently. There are so many great "coming out" tips on this board - research them thoroughly. Don't expose her to a bunch of clothes or drop odd hints. And prepare for at least one full month of absolute hell and anger even if she turns out to be accepting. Maybe more - even us accepting GGs hate to be lied to for so long.

Do you have a sense as to whether or not she'll be accepting? Do you know her feelings about CDing in general?

[msginaadoll]

My opinion from someone who has not told my wife. If you do tell her be prepared for the worst. To me that is an ugly divorce. If you can accept that that may be the end result then I say like so many others tell her. If not then think carefully before u make any decision. I firmly suggest talking to a counselor/therapist before making any decision. They may suggest telling, ot they may even help u deal better so u dont explode. Remember this is not only about you- sure you may feel better telling her, but how will she feel? Just my two cents.