oh yay, my therapist is a trans-phobe

[Areyan]

i know this was a dumb idea anyway and i have mentioned before that my therapist is not a gender specialist but in my blue fog i haven't been able to hide myself as well as i hoped and she saw it in me straight away and kept picking away at me until i told her just what the heck was making me look/feel so darn good. this is much easier to hide around family and friends who wouldn't really clue on that anything is up with me. knowing her previous info i wasn't holding out for a miracle or anything but i felt that i wasn't going to get anywhere at all with therapy if i had to continue lying about myself so...

i tried very carefully to talk about this subject with my therapist but it backfired on me intensely. my semi-disclosure was met with transphobia and the reaction that this was something that i was confused about because of my ex at best and at worst that this somehow impacts on my role as a parent to my two children. the last statement made me fear for the safety of my family unit and any further disclosure was cut off abruptly at that point. my therapist must have felt/seen my reaction because she's now asking me what role i see her playing in my life as a therapist.

i'm gutted... i realise i need to see an actual gender therapist for this issue but i'm convinced more than ever now of who i am and what i need to do. the f**ked thing was, she saw how happy i am and how together i seemed. i don't get how i can tell people that being male inside makes me happy yet they cannot accept that this is real or even a valid reason to be happy. i'm just disappointed to have met with this reaction and worried now for my future. naturally, even though she has made another appt with me next week to discuss this i think i'm going to cancel it.

i'm mad as all hell and feeling stupid too. :Angry3:

[Kelly DeWinter]

you need to run not walk from this therapist. I saw a traditional therapist the first time, One who let his opinions get in the way of helping me the client sort things out. Bottom line i did not know any better , I acted on his advice and it cost me my marriage. A true therapist should ask you what goals you want to accomplish in therapy. Then should map out a way of accomplising those goals. If its figuring out yourself or reconciling your gender conflicts. he/she should then help you work towards those goals. In the end it's about you and what you want to accomplish. It would be a great idea to find a therapist who specializes in gender identity.

Kelly

[Cassi3]

I second what Kelly just said, RUN! And don't feel stupid. A therapist is supposed to help, not impose their opinions or beliefs on their clients. FIRE your therapist and find another so you can be yourself! What's the use in going to a therapist if you have to continue lying. Again, try not to feel stupid.

[Areyan]

thank you both for your kind replies, ladies. i am feeling much the same, that i should be running from this... this was the most horrible session i've ever had with her and i don't think i'll be going back... seeking out the right therapist for this now.

[7sisters]

It's amazing how some shrinks are disgusted by LGBT people. If you are a real student of psychology, it is my personal belief that you will rarely feel anger or animosity to anyone.

[tanyalynn51]

I am so happy to have a tg friendly therapist, who could see that I couldnt stay where I was at anymore- I had to come further on this journey. I did find her on a local TG webpage as being recommended, but then checked her out on the web as well, where she had a good reputation. Maybe those are two potential sources for you for someone else. Good luck, and I hope you find the right one.

[Gerrijerry]

do not see this therapist again and find one that understands gender for your own future.

[mistunderstood]

I know when I say what I'm going to say is unpopular but may be she was seeing if this was important to you. Sometimes therapist is trying to see if you are serious about what you are saying to her. My counselor did this with me at first. Yes I was mad but she made me think my answers out loud she picked and pulled the answers out loud for me to hear. She hammered at me for three weeks and some of the answers I gave helped me realized I was serious. So serious I was ready do what I had to do to be Aaron.
I guess all I'm saying is try one more time with her. See if she is really trans-phobic. Throw questions back at her if you need to. Before you go think of what you need to know about her. If she does not answer your questions then walk away and find a better counselor. But if she does answer your questions you might find she can help you along on your journey.

[Babeba]

Ouch, crappy! I thought that therapists were supposed to be non-judgemental/non-oppressive? Or is that just social workers?

I can see what mistunderstood is saying, though - and though I'm not sure I agree with the practice, maybe it does have a valid reason?

[Veronica_Jean]

Areyan,

I think what Misunderstood says can be very valid. I for one was quite adept at fooling myself and others for many years. It took a skilled therapist that on some level made me question her tactics to help me past myself. It wasn't until nearly a year later that I understood it was a tactic and nothing else. She has been a gender therapist for a long time though and that allowed me to not questions her qualifications.

Perhaps it is worth going back at least once more, if for no other reason than to decide if she is interested in helping you or interested in trying to put you into a defined box that she is comfortable with. You always have the option of leaving and never going back. Don't let her or anyone else destroy your family unit. Being trans has nothing to do with being a good parent so don't let her try and mix the two. There are those that will try to make that argument but that is more their fear talking not the reality of trans parents. (I have 3 children and 3 Grandchildren).

Good luck

Veronica

[Areyan]

i hear what you're all saying about therapists and i have taken this into consideration also. i think my therapist actually needs a little education about transgendered folk. her behaviour towards me was much like an uneducated social worker. although i have been going to therapy for my own issues, bringing this up put her on the defensive about my children as though i mean to do them harm by being who i am. i don't believe this lady is testing me, i believe she genuinely is out of her depth with me as i stated in the OP - she has no experience with trans issues.

i have some tough decisions to make and considering the stance of my therapist i'm not sure i want to continue now that the trust between us has been severed to some degree. i had not even finished discussing this when i saw her whole demeanor toward me change. this was most definitely prejudice and it was very thinly covered by her obvious fear and a very lame attempt to change the topic. i have not dressed fully yet and not in front of my children... i'm not in a rush to transition while i work this all out as i have a long way to go on my journey.

thank you all for your input and support. :hugs:

[7sisters]

Welcome. I am sure things will get better. You have the courage to discover yourself. And that itself is a major achievement!

By the way, how do you go about finding a therapist. I look up the phone directory and I got references from a psychiatrist. Are there any other ways? Are Gender therapists more costly?

[Veronica_Jean]

Areyan,

You seem well in tune with what you experienced with your therapist and simply from your statement "the trust between us has been severed to some degree" it is clear continuing with her is not wise. I do not know the potential power she could wield, but it would not be worth it to me risking the potential of getting other agencies involved in family issues that don't exist(i.e. trans parent unfit to be a parent).

Check with your insurance company, look for a local trans support group or PFLAG group for qualified gender therapists in your area. They are general therapists too and often help trans people peal away each of the issues including the gender ones. I think sometimes there is a relationship there so its not like the only thing they deal with is gender issues.

Veronica

[Seamus_Jameson]

Yikes! Yeah, I *never* had a good therapist until I started seeing someone at my university's counseling center. The difference is unbelievable -- instead of feeling tense and cornered at every session, I can just go in there, discuss what's on my mind, and she helps me with it. This is after about five therapists told me that we weren't multiple and several indicated that transgenderism was "not a topic for discussion". She's also the first therapist who hasn't treated me like a freak for the kind of relationship I have with my SO (I bet Trey could speak to that one!).

So, keep looking until you find someone who isn't passive, isn't rude, doesn't interrupt or monopolize the conversation, and shows respect for who you are and what you believe in.

[KarenCDFL]

I am so sorry that your therapist is an opinionated ahole.

As the others have said, get away form this ignorant loser as fast as you can. You may also want to report this so called therapist to whatever organization they get licensed from.

[Stephanie Anne]

Oh how I know this story. One therapist I had even recommended that I "go out to clubs dressed as a woman to see how it feels". Needless to say I stopped going to her immediately.

Never be afraid to fire your therapist. I know it can feel low when they amplify you self doubt like that but there are many wonderful people who actually help and don't do the other spectrum of just pandering to your psyche.

Trust is the biggest bond you need and if that is lost, there is no point seeing them anymore.