If this were you?

[itry2]

I'm not sure where to post this, so forgive me if it has to be moved.

I recently have been told about my SO's CDing. While I know and we have set some 'boundries' I am afraid of his resentment later on. We have small children and while our marriage hasn't been based off of demands for the other. I am now feeling forced that I have to place demands on him for the sake of the children and how truly cruel this world can be for them. Would you/or could you resent you SO for setting these limits?

Any response is helpful!!

[5150 Girl]

I had a little resentment for my exSO for setting the rather strict limits she did,,, But I felt like there was good reasons for them. However, now that she's gone, and and my Polar Bear lets me be out and about as I please, I have a big pile of resentment for the ex beeing an opressive tyrant.
If kids had been involved in the equasion, I would harbor much less resentment on the limits.

[lingerieLiz]

I nor anyone can tell you what your SO will feel in the future. Boundaries are a part of life including and especially in marriage and parenting. Since you have children he should have consideration for them and for you. While I told my wife early in our relationship and before we married we still have boundaries which have changed over time . I assume he did not tell you before building the relationship since you recently found out. Many of the members here are/were in the same boat as your SO.

The key to making this work is to have rational discussions about what is best for all. What does he desire, you desire, and best for the children. We all have our faults and idiosyncrasies. Compromise can go a long ways toward making it work for the two of you.

You didn't state how accepting you are. Can you accept his CDing without resentment? You cannot change him! Or will you use it as a weapon in arguments? Marriage is not good if spouses can't stand each other. The children will suffer. Both my wife and I grew up with fighting spouses and see it all the time in couples who should separated long ago.

Raise your children to accept people with differences and hopefully someday if they do find out they will accept his CDing too.

[Brenda79135]

Having read your post in "LOVED ONES" some boundries are in order. He has caused you a huge amount of pain in the last few weeks without consideration of your or the kids feelings. For right now some boundries are a good thing for the family. Yes, he may feel some resentment about them, but they are there for a reason. I also assume he has agreed to them. The nice thing about boundries is that they can be reset when the trust and situations change. When I first started CDing I was only allowed to while wife and kid were out of the house. I agreed to this because I didn't want to lose the people that I love for a couple of hours of relaxation. Now that the kid is off to college the boundries have changed some. I am able to dress more often and my wife is starting to accept that this is who I am. Hang in there and do not give up hope.

[itry2]

I completely understand that no one is able to 'fortune tell' for him or myself. I am more thinking ahead, i guess. As for accepting he's made it difficult (as I've posted in the loved ones section). I know that the last week it seems that every second we get alone has been an endless conversation of the boundries. I just hate feeling, he may resent me for looking out for the young ones. He says that he completely understands why and has no problem with complying, it may just be his wording that is bothering me. I am having to learn who he is again and the 20+ years that he kept this hidden is causing, me to question " Do I really know him, after all?" To use it as a weapon, NEVER even after all the lieing and hiding and all the emotions that have been exsposed, I still love him.

[erickka]

I agree that setting boundaries and some basic rules is a necessity. If you already have good communication in your relationship, keep it going. If not,IMO, it is important that it be established post haste. I feel that the more open you are with each other, the less of a chance either one of you will have to start "filling in the blanks" with stuff that should never be placed there. In the end I think you both (and the kids too,) can come out being a very close family. Good luck!

[DonniDarkness]

We have some boundaries.
I do not resent her for these boundaries. They are in place to keep us both on the same page...where we stand....and what is expected from one another

As an SO to and accepting GG the best advice is to stand your ground yet be supportive.
Tho some of these boundaries will come up for "re-zoning" as time goes on. The easiest way to resentment is not finding compromise between the two of you.

We have children too. Boundaries are set for their sake as well as ours.

Be Patient with him, keep communcating, and try not to stress over situations that havnt arisen yet. In other words dont fear what COULD happen. Live and Love

-Donni-

[AKAMichelle]

Marriage is hard enough with small kids but cd'ing adds another level of complexity. the key to solving the issues is to depend upon each other more and work through the issues. Communication will either become your friend or enemy depending upon how often you use it. Hopefully both of you can find the right balance and have a long life.

[SusieB]

As you have acknowledged yourself no one can predict how your SO will react in the future. I am firmly in the closet and fully acknowledge that I have lived a lie for most of my married life. I would love to come out to my wife but greatly fear the damage and hurt it would cause. I envy those who can share their feeligs, needs and wants with their families. I would be prepared to accept any boundries imposed if only I could end the lies but at present I lack the courage to take this step. I have no doubt that I would attempt over time to push those boundries but I am certain that, I would never knowingly do anything in this regard, that would embarrass or hurt my family. I am sure that your SO would not do so either. My advice is to stick to your guns, put your children first and hope that he lerans to understand how truly lucky he is.

[TxKimberly]

. . . Would you/or could you resent you SO for setting these limits? . . .

Well, there are a few variables there. The attitude and way that these limits are presented and discussed would have a lot to do with it.

As an exaggerated example, if my wife were to sincerely say "Matthew, you need to get off your lazy ass and mow the lawn", that would bring out the very worst in me and I would probably make it a point to let it go another week. After all, can't have my wife thinking that she can belittle and shove me around you know! :)
On the other hand, if she were to say "You know, the grass is getting embarrassing, would you mind taking care of it?" then I'd probably drop what ever I was doing to take care of it. After all, we both know that the grass needs to be cut, she was nice about it, and I get the perk of making her happy.
I'm not saying she should kiss my backside or anything like that, but the attitude definitely does make a difference to my feelings and my response.

Bad = "Do this and don't do that, or else!"
Good = "Here is where we are at and what we have to deal with. Here are the ways that this can harm us, and more importantly, how it can harm our children - what can and should we do that will let us all be as happy as possible while minimizing the risk of hurting the children?"

It's all in the attitude and presentation, and, one would hope, in mutual respect and the mutual goal of doing what is best for your family.

Did that make any sense or am I just rambling?

[itry2]

No TxKimberly it makes perfect sense, that's where my hang up is I guess. Neither one of us has been demanding of the other, we've always been respectful of the other, I mean that's how a marriage should work. ( I think anyway ). I'm not one that will 'lay the law down' nor is he. In just telling him that he's got to be mind full of the little ones and others he can't let too many people know, he used the word 'comply' as of were an order and that is my problem, there was no mention of his feelings on the matter, it was so matter a fact. I'm not a warden. So why do I feel like one. Must be a 'me' thing. :) I vowed for better or worse and well, I don't think it can get much worse. :) I've told him more then once that, I don't want this to eat at him to hate or resent me. He agreed and has left it at that. Which may go back to not really trusting him much anymore, in order to believe him when he says ' No worries' . Well, I know that time will tell and the proof is in the pudding! I'll cut the grass, before I ask him to do it anyway. :D

[kitchenette]

No, Kimberly, your post is crystal clear. And very helpful. Sometimes when you are afraid, you act fearful. Sometimes it helps me to sit with my feelings for a few days (sometimes a few weeks) to evaluate them on my own and get some space from my immediate reaction. Then, I approach my SO to discuss when I feeling clear-headed, rather than in the heat of the moment. Although, sometimes, I don't have that luxury... I 'll need immediate reassurance....

[Jane P]

The key to making this work is to have rational discussions about what is best for all. What does he desire, you desire, and best for the children. We all have our faults and idiosyncrasies. Compromise can go a long ways toward making it work for the two of you.



I agree with this statement , although I realize that it is sometimes difficult. For some , having a rational discussion about anything is a challenge. I think that setting boundaries is fine and does not "need" to cause resentment. As long as the boundary isn't ,

" okay you've told me , now I never want to deal with this again , we won't talk about it , you will never do it and we can all pretend it doesn't exist"

Seeing how you are here asking questions I doubt this is the case , and I commend you for trying to be understanding. For some of us , accepting that we are crossdressers is more important than the dressing itself. I know that probably sounds like B.S. but it isn't necessarily. Many of us are trying to understand why we would have these feelings ourselves , and simple acknowledgment that these feelings exist would be helpful in our own acceptance of these feelings.

I would encourage you both to use this forum to try to understand it. For me it is becoming a useful tool in my own understanding of what I really want. There are those here who would suggest to a guy who admits he is a cder should embrace it completely, get dressed , be proud, go out and show the world. BUT not all of us feel that way Some of us are just trying to accept it ourselves and not make a huge deal of it , just find a way to balance it rather than let it eat away at our souls and become something bigger than it needs to be.

If you love each other you will find a way to sift through the noise and find something that works for you. Good Luck

Jonnie

[JamieG]

My wife and I have two little girls, ages 2 and 5. I came out to her after we had married, but before we had the kids. I think clear boundaries are important. They can help us avoid the "I can't believe you just did that!"/ "I thought you'd have no problem with it" arguments. The boundaries should be mutually agreed upon, and not laid down as a law to be obeyed without question. There should also be an understanding that boundaries can change, as circumstances and attitudes change, but only if both spouses agree.

With respect to the kids, we currently agree that the kids should not know that I CD. I also avoid risks that could lead to me being publicly outed, since that could have a negative impact on the lives of my family. This means I don't cruise the shops en femme, I don't leave the house en femme, etc. However, I'm able to be social and mix at various T-gatherings. I do not resent these boundaries, and welcome my wife's opinion. I know she has my and our family's best interests in mind, and on more than one occasion she correctly suggested that I put on the brakes when I was considering something that might be beyond our acceptable level of risk.

It is possible that your husband is feeling that since he made the big step of telling you, and the world didn't come to an end, that he no longer has to hide. He may rationally agree with the boundaries, but emotionally want to indulge his CD/TG side more, especially if it has been seriously neglected over the years. It may help to discuss with him the worst-case scenario. If he understands what you fear could happen, I think he may be more open to reasonable boundaries.

I wish both you success in working through these difficult issues.

[Gerrijerry]

I do think and wonder why so many SO's think it is correct to tell others what rules there partner have to follow. Oh yes I know for the sake of the family, friends, job, etc. I understand all that if this was a choice issue. I can't think of any person who would want to be a Crossdresser just for the fun of it. Unless it was for the stage etc. It is hard enought to wake up each day knowing you are different. Then having someone who you love start telling you how to live each day because of how you were born. The part that always gets to me is " that threat of lossing a family or friends on top of all the other problems of being born different. Yes the world is cruel and some will make remarks but what is needed is support not another layer of guilt. The kids will be fine and so will the world. In fact they will be able to accept those that are different even better when they see it at home and are shown that it is not bad to be different. Is what being felt by you really for the kids or for your own embaressment of being married to a person who is born different. Ask yourself how would I feel? if he or she in some cases would tell you how you have to live each day even when inside you cry silently by being forced to live in a way that is totally different then the way you were born to be.

[itry2]

Gerrijerry, I feel that it is not correct either, for person to tell another how to live, hence there is my issue, my husband never made an effort to try and tell me any different. As far as children in a perfect word yes, I would agree the children would be fine, but we don't live in a perfect world and it would be a very rare 5 year old that could handle to taunts and cruel ways of the world because a parent that is to protect them made a choice that they (the children ) will have to reap. 5 year olds lack the emotional stability to deal with how society would treat them and their parent. Having a child to grow-up before their time is something that each family must choose on their own. I for one would have NEVER started another family with my husband if he would have told me before now. The older ones would have been old enough to choose support or not, I may have made more acceptable for him, (if he'd say one way or the other). WE are ALL born different that is what can make this world a wonderful place. Children need protection, from their parents no matter what choice of clothing they may choose to wear.

[Lucy_Bella]

Itry,
I would reccomend that you follow through on what you feel in both your heart and stomach, you know what is best in your marriage and for your children.. Setting boundries isn't fully or partaily accepting anything ,i'ts compromiseing... If you have to give a little so does your S.O. and what should or needs to be done would be what is best for the children and then the relationship..

[Tricia Lee]

I could be completely wrong about this, but I would guess right now he is feeling the greatest freedom he's ever felt in his life. You actually know his deep dark secret! And even better, you are trying to put up with it.

According to your posts he hasn't indicated any resistance to boundaries, and, there *should* be boundaries. It sounds like he travels frequently, and you are OK with him dressing up while away. Honestly, that must feel like heaven compared to the darkness he was living in before.

I think you should worry less about making demands at this point. He needs to regain your trust, and you need to require him to work for it. Down the road, when things start to seem normal again, maybe fewer boundaries will be necessary.

[t-girlxsophie]

I see setting bounderies as a sort of understanding between you,as a way of helping you to understand,A compromise that every marriage has to go through whether regarding CDing or any other problem that may arise,You could have reacted in a negative way so am sure your Husband is on cloud nine at the way his "secret" has been recieved,i hope you learn more to help you understand things better.The very best of luck to you both

:hugs:Sophie

[charlie]

Hello Itry2!
Boundries are a must and a given for you and your SO. If you are going to try and hide the CD from your family, then there must be rules. There also must be rules for you. Keep in mind that the "pink fog" is a real thing. Your SO will try to get more feminine at certain times wether he knows it or not. In those times your boundry limits will rein him in. Boundries are a good thing. They show your limits of acceptance and his limit of exuberance.

[Aprilrain]

"I vowed for better or worse and well, I don't think it can get much worse"

Well I don't know you or what cards life has dealt you but there are far worse behaviors in this world than CDing. The sick part is that I think we are so used to violence and so afraid of human sexuality that CDing some how seems worse than murder or rape or child molestation or... You get my drift. If you were referring to other unmentioned problems in your marriage than my apologies. I know this is hard but it sounds like there is love and mutual respect what more can you ask for in life?

[eluuzion]

(I began my shared parenting odyssey when my daughter was 2 yrs old)

My Rules on "Kids"

1) There is nothing more important than your children. They come first, no exceptions. I do not believe in the saying "I deserve to have a life too" You only get one life in this game, not "too". Your life just changed when you had a child. That is your life now. You do not get to "create another one" to pull out whenever you feel "you deserve a "break". Your responsibility is to do whatever is in the child's best interest.

2) See rule #1

"Doing the right thing is the right thing to do, even if you are the only one doing it."

Your kid(s) will "thank you" by not having to be told her playmates parents will not allow her little friend(s) to come to her "sleepover".

Thanks for renewing my faith that just maybe...some common sense is still alive out there, (although scarce).

As I always say..."Somebody has to be the MOM"... :straightface:
that has been my job for the past 15 years...it is worth every second I've spent.

:hugs:

[Schatten Lupus]

I didn't resent my SO for setting them up. I actually expected her to. She only asked me to take it slow so she could have time to adjust. Fair enough. After all I too need adjustment time. However, when working on my voice two years after I came out to her was "too fast" that is when we had a discussion about what is too fast. We also do not have any kids, and I can only imagine that can make the situation much more difficult.
But remember to communicate, and be prepared to make compromises. But don't expect him to not be willing to make any. There are two "I"'s in 'relationship", and unlike "team" there is no "me." And the most obvious point is to keep your kids in mind first.

[JustAlex]

I wouldn't mind. In fact I set those limits for myself. I understand and I agree with your concern.