Important Question for Tanssexuals ONLY

[Traci Elizabeth]

As many of you know, I have transitioned 24/7 for awhile now.

To date, I (we) have NOT told our neighbors anything. We live in a rural area where our lots are a minimum of 4 acres each with enough trees and landscaping to give most of us total privacy and free space to live our lives as we see fit.

I have no doubt, however, that some of our neighbors have seen me (Traci) coming back and forth even though it is impossible to see our home from the road. But there are obvious rural mail boxes along the county road that we all have to stop at daily. Not to mention maintaining our property up to that road.

I feel we ought to send all of our surrounding neighbors some sort of letter explaining me in general terms. My wife on the other hand, thinks it is none of our neighbors business (keep in mind now that since we all live some distance between us, none of us have socialized together but just wave whenever we see each other up on the county road). She also feels that since we are now living in a very very conservative southern community, it is best to just let sleeping dogs lay.

There is no easy answer but in my mind, sooner than later, I will have a face-to-face with one of my neighbors and I have just been riding on "lucky timing" thus far.

For those of you have have faced this, what have you done? I really want to hear what you have to say (I am seeking your counsel).

Traci

[Stephenie S]

No. You owe your neighbors an explanation only if they ask. Act just like nothing has happened. The bigger a "deal" you make of this the harder it will be to assimilate. And while you may be flush with excitement over this still, there will come a time when you want nothing more than to be left alone to live your live quietly as the woman you are.

I did tell one of my neighbors, but I was especially close to her and we had known each other for quite some time.

Stephie

[Rianna Humble]

I tend to think like Stephenie that you don't owe your neighbours any explanations. My case was different, I live a lot closer to my neighbours and used to represent them on the local council. Even so I was unsure how/how much to tell them but in the end it was taken out of my hands. I definitely would not recommend that you come out to your neighbours the way I did!

I went into the council offices to change my name & gender on the voting register. Someone saw me coming out and commented to a reporter "I think that used to be Councillor Hull..." so the paper contacted me and asked for an interview. Although the article was quite sensitively written, I was somewhat taken aback to find my story filling the whole of pages 1 and 3 :eek: The shock was compounded when I went to work and discovered that my story had been given a hatchet job in a national sleazy rag :OMG: Later the story propagated to other national dailies although in some cases for a different reason.

The great thing has been the very positive reaction from my neighbours and other former constituents - one neighbour even going out of his way to ask me to let him know if anyone gave me a hard time :)

[kerrianna]

To me, the fact you are living 24-7 means at some point you need to feel comfortable just being yourself in your town. That you live in a conservative town probably means some people will have trouble with your transformation, but as much as possible, just let that be THEIR problem. It really isn't yours. But I know it's not easy in some places.

I live in a very liberal, accepting community, so I've been lucky that way. But still, I had no idea what people would think and was so scared when I did this.

What I did was, once I had officially changed to fulltime (and changed my name, but that doesn't have to be official), was sent a mass email out to everyone I knew who knew me as the old me. I wrote a very heartfelt, honest letter, and made sure that my own happiness, surety, and peace of mind shone through. I also made sure to let people know that my partner was with me all the way and WE were doing well. And then I appealed to their compassion and let people know how important their support was to me.

I was astonished by the replies. Out of about 60 emails sent everyone but two replied in a very positive fashion. Some were very heartwarming. The missing two just never replied (they were guys I had worked with for many years) but eventually we did talk and they were kind and supportive.

I think sending the message that you are sure of this, that you understand it may be difficult to understand but their support would mean so much to you, is important.

For your own, and your spouse's, peace of mind, I think letting everyone know sooner than later is positive. This way you are controlling the information. If you allow others to start gossiping about you they will surely get it wrong. I say take action... BUT... and THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT... let your spouse see what you are planning to say and make sure she understands why and is in agreement. United, you make it much harder for people to pick on you.

Good luck! :D

[Kerrylee61]

Not to hijack this thread but thanks for the KD Lang link. I've sort of lost track of her of late but have been privilaged to know her since her early early days. She's a beautiful soul and a talented guifted performer.

Kerry

[CharleneT]

While I agree that your business is yours alone ... eventually you'll meet up in a grocery store or the like. This is one of the harder issues about transitioning and there is not a single works for everyone answer. What I did was start by picking friends/neighbors that I was pretty sure would be supportive and telling them face to face. This helped to fairly quickly build up a group of people who knew, but also understood a lot ( the talks were fairly long ). Along with this of course, I was "out and about". So as others found out, I had a few people who knew and were there to help explain/support/whatever. There is another side, as everyone who has gone thru this knows, there is always someone who ends up being the one to tell everyone they know and then its like you took out a newspaper ad. Ya gotta hope that that someone is sympathetic ;) That is why I think it best to be able to control, at first, who knows and how they find out. In person worked for me because I could answer questions and dispel myths.

[Teri Jean]

While I believe your privacy is yours there are going to be those run-ins while out and about or if they stop by un-announced. I told the neighbors to the east f me but not the rest of the neighbors as I felt closer to J & B. Tonight I ran into a sister-in-law's sister and husband at the grocery store and even though it is not a secret and she has seen me before her husband just about fell over. So if you are good friends it may be better to let them know as they may take it wrong when they do. JMO

[Veronica_Jean]

Traci,

I live in a rather small town at the edge of rural in Ohio. It is a small housing area and I am at the end of a dead end street. These lots are rather small and so its clear you see your next door and across the street neighbor often.

I come out to my next door neighbor directly just before I started presenting female on the weekends, and then told them once I went full time. He was raised in the hills of West Virginia literally in a holler. However, he was very supportive and threatened to intervene on my behalf if anyone gave me crap in his presence.

Given your circumstances I would not tell the neighbors. Should the occasion occur where they see you or ask or something like that, just be honest and tell them you needed to change your life. I suspect that by now if they felt it was an issue they would have said something. So, once they do find out, it will likely be no enough for them to want to change anything. Especially if they feel you have been a good neighbor up to now.

Thats how I feel about it anyway.

Veronica

[Faith_G]

I told my next door neighbor because we are friendly. I don't know anybody further down the road so I didn't say anything. I wouldn't bother to tell the neighbors were I in your position.

If you're not on a first-name basis with your neighbors I bet they think your wife threw her husband out and turned lesbian. As long as she's OK with them thinking that, then why bother?

[Traci Elizabeth]

Obviously, from most of your responses, my wife is "right-on" in her opinion. Since I have been on HTR, I don't mind being wrong anymore!

I am sure it will be interesting day-to-day, month-to-month as our neighbors realize I am a female now.

I did, however, think that Kerrianna's response to "controlling the information" by letting them know vs them coming to their own conclusions (which most likely will be wrong) had a lot of merit.

I still need to mull this over more and look for more opinions or actual actions you have taken. Regardless, this decision effects both my wife and myself equally so her input will be critical in any decision.

[AKAMichelle]

I live on 2.5 acres and I am sure that a few of my neighbors have seen me but nothing has been said. The answer to telling I think should be whether or not you socialize with them. If it is just waving of the hand, then don't tell them. They probably think a relative has moved in with you. This is one of the reasons I want more acreage.

[Jenn2716]

I have to agree with those who have said that you shouldn't bother coming out to your neighbours unless you are on a first name basis or very friendly with them. I live in a suburban area and my wife and I are friendly with the neighbours on both sides of our property. We usually just chat over the fence but do exchange Christmas cards as well. We decided that it would be a good idea to give them the heads up before I transitioned, and both neighbours (one male, one female) were very accepting and supportive.
We've never explained my transition to the people across the street or the people who's backyard is adjacent to ours. We still give them a friendly wave if we happen to see them, but now they get waves from a female couple, instead of a male/female couple. It's been 10 months and nothing has been said to us and we haven't noticed any strange looks.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Traci,

It's a very good question and your own cirmcumstances seem to be the best guide.

In my case, I'm in a very large developed areas..our lots are in the 15,000 square foot range and i could easily open my window right now and have a conversation with my next door neighbor in her home...

anyway.. ...i told a woman across the street and i carefully explained everything to her..she was very supportive and "honored" that i thought enough of her to share this!!! LOL...i never told her another person until neccessarry...a snowstorm, cleaning the yard, a door to door sales call ....these events gave me a natural chance to talk to other neighbors...

i relied on the first person to tell me if there was gossip or problems...there are some real macho guys living a couple doors down and i've never talked to them... i kinda didnt worry about it and here i am a year later...so far so good..

truthfully i have a bit of a worry that someday i will be surprised by one of the teenagers on the block (they have done 2 really aggressively obnoxious things --not violent or scary..just mean)

i don't think you owe anybody anything except being a good neighbor.

[Kathryn Martin]

Miqqui Alicia talks about this in one of her articles in Transgender Tapestry. She says that ultimately we need to socialize our environment. Until it becomes commonplace that we see ourselves among the general population we will always be "outside".

I know how difficult it is. I tend to be more spontaneous than prudent in regards to this. Our house is visible from the road and is graced by three huge picture windows. People look into our house all the time. I drive dressed when going out and quite a few of my neighbours when giving me the Nova Scotia wave have done a little double take when seeing my jjujjed hair and dangly earrings. No one has become less friendly. I live in an extremely conservative county, across the street from a Mounty (Royal Canadian Mounted Police)and if you look at the houses on our street they are nice and very conventional and so are people in them. I try to socialize my neighbours quietly....

Kathryn

[Leasa Wells]

Hi Traci

I live in a rual area too, when I moved in and met some neighbors one said to me "there are two kind of people here ones who you will make friends with other who like to be left alone". I know if an emergency I could know on any door for help, none of them know my feminine side so thats not a problem.

If they wanted to know you better they would have came knocking along time ago maybe someday you will have a social and will invite them over. What you tell them is your business, and your wifes.

Lisa

[Traci Elizabeth]

Hi Traci,

i don't think you owe anybody anything except being a good neighbor.


I really like this response. Seems like this would work for most things in life.

[Gerrijerry]

This is just my 2 cents.
But does your wife need to go to the neighbors and say she is a woman and did you before have to go around and say to everyone that you were a male?

I may be wrong on this but transition does also imply that you will be a woman totally. Unless for some reason the topic came up where and when it was needed to explain. why explain at all. You are simple a woman as your wife is. I beleave that your wife is correct. I beleave that the less others know of your private life the better it is.

[Melissa A.]

You don't owe anyone an explanation for living, regardless of how you present yourself. I live in a small apartment building, and l am simply Melissa to those who see me in the hallways, or coming and going. The same holds true at work. When I came out, I was careful to go around to the people I knew best and explain everything. But I did that once. Anyone else can now figure it out, ask others, or me. Some have. Some have not. It's all ok, to me. But you don't need to worry about spending your life explaining you to everyone who comes into your life on even a semi-regular basis. That's exhausting to even think about, to me!

Hugs,

Melissa:)

[Angel.Marie76]

In my particular situation, I've been doing the quiet blend-in and just letting the cards fall where they will. I am not out full time, but I am out and about now in my local town, and have proven myself to be more and more brave about going to local events and gatherings as my true self. It's just a matter of time, really, until everyone either just flat out knows, or is certainly on the 'umm WTF?' stage. As I cross paths with people at the local stores and events, I do my very best to hold myself high and true, smiling and carrying on as if there were no change. If I start to get the curious concerned look in their eyes, I have and probably will continue to go into the, 'okay, so, this is what's going on with me' speech form time to time as necessary.

Just be true to yourself.

~A

[Traci Elizabeth]

You don't owe anyone an explanation for living, regardless of how you present yourself. I live in a small apartment building, and l am simply Melissa to those who see me in the hallways, or coming and going. The same holds true at work. When I came out, I was careful to go around to the people I knew best and explain everything. But I did that once. Anyone else can now figure it out, ask others, or me. Some have. Some have not. It's all ok, to me. But you don't need to worry about spending your life explaining you to everyone who comes into your life on even a semi-regular basis. That's exhausting to even think about, to me!

Hugs,

Melissa:)


Why is that those gals from Brooklyn speak so fast? Maybe it is to expound their wisdom quicker. I really liked and welcomed your response especially your first and last two sentences - AND do you know what... I know you are RIGHT!!!!

Hugs,
Traci

[Cassi3]

you don't need to worry about spending your life explaining you to everyone who comes into your life on even a semi-regular basis. That's exhausting to even think about, to me!

I pondered the same question to my therapist. I live in a neighborhood where the houses are only 30 to 40 feet apart, close enough to chat with your next door neighbor through the windows. Her response to me was the same as Melissa's. Explaining to everyone would be physically and emotionally exhausting, precious energy you will soon need, not to mention the time. She did advice me to speak with the neighbor's that know me personally, those who visit in my home frequently, the others, I can explain if and when the time comes. If the time comes or the question arises I can then explain if I choose, otherwise, I owe them nothing. My therapists advices haven't failed me yet!

[Frances]

I transitioned in a rough-ish part of town with hundreds of people on my street living all in close proximity. The only person I told was the owner of the house, who was living under me. My neighbours may have thought that I was already a girl; it does not really matter. Most people around us are too caught up in their own lives and problems to care enough about our transition. There is no reason to tell anyone, and not passing does not mean that they hate us. Do your thing, they are already doing their's.

[Faith_G]

Most people around us are too caught up in their own lives and problems to care enough about our transition. There is no reason to tell anyone, and not passing does not mean that they hate us. Do your thing, they are already doing their's.That's an important point we too often forget. Transitioning is a time when we are very focused on ourselves and we can start to assume that everyone else is focused on us too. But they're not, they are busy with things that are important to them.

[kerrianna]

Actually, Traci, when I think about it, there are a number of neighbours I don't know very well, just in passing, who I never told, and I don't want to. I'd rather they see me as a 'new' woman in the neighbourhood.
Mind you, they see me walking the same dog that guy used to walk, and they see me driving up to that house where that guy used to live with that woman, and I can only smile at what they may be thinking.

The sad truth is, they probably aren't thinking anything!

From Eleanor Roosevelt:
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."


This really comes down to what is important in you and your partner's lives. You don't owe anyone else anything, so do what FEELS right for both of you. :)