My Journey Begins

[Cassi3]

The last few days have been a real emotional roller coaster. I've tried the last few days to calm my nerves/anxiety, but my decision has been made and it is clearer now more than ever.

I've been in counseling/therapy for the last 18 months with two wonderful caring people and on Tuesday, the 12th of October 2010 in my early afternoon therapy session, my therapist, Susan, tells me, "Cassie, I think it is time that your life begin!" I will never forget this day.

We talked for 3hrs and so, I am on my way to being me once and for all. And because my decision has been made, she said, that it was time to speak to my father. I dreaded this part, but it needed to be done. Tuesday evening I could not eat or sit still and I was a sobbing mess. I was happy and sad and scared all at once. I finally got the courage to speak to my father and on Wednesday, I sat him down and told him.

I don't exactly remember how the conversation started, but I remember it being somewhat of a slow motion moment when the words, "Dad, I have always been your son and I've always tried to make you proud of me and to be happy, but much of my life I have been living as someone who really isn't me." I told him who I felt I was and how long I've had these feelings and how I've felt all my life. And after a little anger and some tears from him, he tells me, "Well, I somewhat knew all my life that something was wrong. You will have to give me time to adjust and we will stand by each other, we're all we have left!" The emotional roller coaster began all over again. I'm not sure how much he will adjust but as he said, it's my life he will deal with it. I will just give him his time.

Both my therapist have agreed that as soon as my stop smoking program is over and after I have my knee surgery which is scheduled for mid November, I should begin my HRT and that I should get my own apartment and begin living as me, Cassie 24/7.

I have so many questions and so many emotions running through me right now, most of all I am happy for the fact that someone other than me has confirmed what I felt and knew in my heart since I was a kid.

So can anyone tell me from what they know, what to expect and what I should probably ask next? Any advice?

Hugs,
Cassie

P.S. Sorry it's long winded!

[StaceyJane]

I'm really happy for you.

[Rianna Humble]

Congratulations, Cassie! I'm glad the first talk with your dad went well :hugs: You are doing the right thing leaving him some time to get used to the idea. If it goes anything like my experience, your dad will come back in a few days with some questions. That is when you can start the real dialogue.

I don't know what your personal circumstances are, but how necessary do you think it is to move into a separate apartment?

[Kathryn Martin]

The step that you have taken is one of the most difficult. If you have a meaningful relationship with your parents, telling them is can bring so much heartache. I agree with Rianna, that after saying that he knew something was wrong with you he will soon discover that there is nothing wrong just different.

Like you, I am working on smoking cessation (smoked for 40 years) before beginning hormones. I wish you the very best with that and am sure you will make it.

Kathryn

[bethw]

Hi Cassie;
I don't have any advice. I just wanted to say congratulations on being you. If I lived closer I would give you a big hug and wish you well on your journey.
Hugs
Beth

[Michelle I]

Congratulations Cassie, talking to the family has to be one of hardest things to do. I keep practicing so when the time is right I am able to do it as well as you did.

[Melody Moore]

Congratulations and its really good that your father is accepting your decision to live your life for yourself although he will need time to get use to the new you. I just wish I had one of my parents standing by me, so give your Dad a big hug for me an tell him that he is the best father in the world. Well done!

[Gerrijerry]

Yes you need to get lots of information from your doctor about taking HRT how it is done the amounts and effects. THen spend some time enjoying that you will finally one day be who you want and need to be. Remember along the way lots of questions will come up and you need to get then answered by a real doctor and your therapists. You will need to relax and learn to deal with life in a new way taking each step slowly and carefully. Once you are 24/7 you will need to adjust to being received as a woman. It is not the same as part time. After a while you will become to others as her or she which is nice and acceptance from others is actually easier when you are full time. The hard part was and will always be talking to family in the beginning.
This is just my thought but if you get support from family it may make it easier in the beginning living with them. Unless there is another reason your therapist is telling you to be on your own.

[Inna]

Small steps, so wonderful to hear of acceptance even if it takes time, you have your father by your side, you have us to cheer you on, happy birthday baby, a girl was just born!

[Cassi3]

Thank you everyone for sending hugs and well wishes. I'm extremely happy and a bunch of other things all at once.


I don't know what your personal circumstances are, but how necessary do you think it is to move into a separate apartment?


The hard part was and will always be talking to family in the beginning.
This is just my thought but if you get support from family it may make it easier in the beginning living with them. Unless there is another reason your therapist is telling you to be on your own.

My therapists were thinking that it would be better for adjustment on both of our parts, but mainly because my father made a comment once that you're either born male or born female and that your hard wiring has nothing to do it, they we're worried he wouldn't adjust or accept. But so far it's working out and since I have knee surgery coming up, I will need some help.

Thanks again for all the well wishes everyone, you have no idea how much it really means to me!

[Teri Jean]

Cassie, you do not have to worry about being"long winded", cripes girl you have never had a one on one with me. LOL I know the feeling of what if's and you did good by sitting down with dad. He will need time but you may be surprised how much he will accept. Once you have completed the quit smoking, kudos, and your knee surgery the rest is better living through chemistry. Choose your endrocrinologist and with the recommendation of your therapist you will be on your journey. There will be a full medical exam as a base line and then when the decission of what and how much there will be follow up blood work to make sure you are doing okay with the doses, etc. and as things progress there will be changes both physically as well as emotionally. We can discuss that later.

But for now I wish you the best and welcome sis. Hugs Teri

[AKAMichelle]

congratulations on your big step. One of the things that you should be prepared for is your father accepting and retreating. It may some time before he can be the same at all times. He has just found out and he not be able to accept it completely for sometime yet. Be patient with him because the 2 of you is all that is left. Things will work out.

[Elizabeth Martin]

Congratulations Cassie! You must be excited and thrilled. May your journey be joyful.

:<3: Elizabeth

[7sisters]

I dont have advice. But I have a lot of good wishes for you. And I send you my best intensions.

[Starling]

Good luck, Cassi. I think you've made a really good start.

:) Lallie

[Faith_G]

Cassie, for me at least the happiness and euphoria I felt once I started to take action on transitioning still has not faded almost a year later. I feel like a prisoner who has been pardoned from a life sentence, it's so wonderful just to be who I am. I guess my advice is to keep that feeling in mind when you hit bumps along the road and don't let momentary setbacks steal your joy in living. Congratulations on starting your life. But why are you delaying getting your own place and living your own life until you start hormones? I don't see any reason not to start today. :hugs:

[Cassi3]

Cassie, for me at least the happiness and euphoria I felt once I started to take action on transitioning still has not faded almost a year later. I feel like a prisoner who has been pardoned from a life sentence, it's so wonderful just to be who I am. I guess my advice is to keep that feeling in mind when you hit bumps along the road and don't let momentary setbacks steal your joy in living. Congratulations on starting your life. But why are you delaying getting your own place and living your own life until you start hormones? I don't see any reason not to start today. :hugs:

WOW! You just described what I've been feeling since Tuesday. I always felt like a prisoner and since Tuesday I haven't. I will certainly keep that feeling in mind. :hugs:

I'm not delaying the HRT until I get a place, what I'm delaying the HRT for is the Chantix I'm taking to stop smoking, which the doctors told me can mess around with the hormones, I have knee surgery coming up and I'm on medication for anxiety attack which I have to stop taking too and flush out of my system.

[Cassi3]

Update:

Rather than start another thread, I thought I would just update this one, it's the same topic anyway. :D

My ex-step-daughter, (I still call her my daughter and treat her that way), came to visit me for this week. She's know how I've felt and all this came out 5yrs back when she told our family she is gay and I stood by her and that has set a bond between us. Well Saturday I told her that I soon will begin my HRT and she couldn't be happier. So far everyone I've told hasn't blown up.

Now my father hasn't really said a whole lot since Wednesday, no tension or ugly looks, just quiet. I gave him his space, without ignoring him. Today was a nice day so I decided to wash my truck, just because I'm a girl ;) doesn't mean I can't like or take joy and pride in my truck.

While cleaning the windows my father comes out and he asks:
"Does this mean you will still like cars and go to car shows with me?"
"Dad, liking cars isn't going to change, I've been a girl all my life and I've always liked cars"

He looked at me a second then came up to me and gave me a tight hug and said "I love you, I just need time to mourn a little"

He made me cry! I will certainly take that as a sign that he will come to terms with it.

Thank you everyone for your support, I am still walking on clouds! :D

[Michelle I]

Update:
While cleaning the windows my father comes out and he asks:
"Does this mean you will still like cars and go to car shows with me?"
"Dad, liking cars isn't going to change, I've been a girl all my life and I've always liked cars"

He looked at me a second then came up to me and gave me a tight hug and said "I love you, I just need time to mourn a little"

He made me cry! I will certainly take that as a sign that he will come to terms with it.

Thank you everyone for your support, I am still walking on clouds! :D

That is so sweet, it made me cry. Hope he keeps coming around

[Faith_G]

:hugs: You have a great dad, and your daughter is a wonderful girl.

My dad is a little skeptical that I'm still going to work on his car and help him fix stuff around the house when I visit him next month. I'm not sure he's going to believe it until he sees it. But I think that when they see that we maintain our interest in the activities that bond us, it makes the grieving less severe.

[Cassi3]

:hugs: But I think that when they see that we maintain our interest in the activities that bond us, it makes the grieving less severe.

I happen to tell my therapist of this today and she agreed with you!

My dad seems to be dealing with it. I invited him to see my therapists and he accepted. I will take it as a good sign.

[Cassi3]

Had my Endo appt today and he said there is no reason to wait until after my knee surgery to begin my HRT. Just have to do some baseline blood tests and I can begin.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYY! Finally:D

[Nicki S]

Congratulations! Enjoy your journey.

[jessicaheartt09]

Congratulations with everything and that coming out to your father went well. I'm in therapy currently and planning on starting hrt this summer after I finish school. I have learned alot from researching online and talking to friends I have made in the community. A great source to find people is urnotalone.com. Most people are more than happy to answer any question you might have. I also suggest if you aren't afraid of going out into to public to start now and have some fun either shopping or bars! If you have any questions on hrt, laser hair removal, or anything else I would be happy to try and answer them.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Good for you!! You have the right idea to just be yourself and be natural. Let it all happen and the people around you will just know that you are Ok.. Try to remember that some of the resistance you feel from family is from the worrying that you are ok...

My mom was one of the first i told, and she desperately tried to dissuade me...but in the end, she told me that she was worried for my safety and mental health...so she thought i was trying to get myself beat up and that i was nuts!!! LOL...i kinda can't blame her!!! so by just being yoursself, you provide comfort to others that will hopefully get paid back to you in support and love

[Tomara]

Hi Cassie,

Congratulations on begining your new life.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey and I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Tomara

[Cassi3]

Been gone for a few days. I flew to Puerto Rico to speak with my mother, it didn't go well. I wasn't expecting it too, but I went anyway and spoke the truth.

While I was gone my father had a session with my therapist and she says it went well and this coming weekend I move into my new place, YAYYYYYYY :D


Thanks every one for the well wishes and encouragement, it means a lot :hugs:

[Victoria Anne]

Cassie I am so happy for you , you are embarking on a wonderful journey of self discovery and to have the support of your father is just awesome , for me it is the support of my wife but anyway you cut it the support of family is just fantastic . I wish you all the best and welcome to your new life.