Telling the young ones..

[KlaireLarnia]

Hello again, got a lot on my mind at the moment and hence all my recent posts.

This is a question for those of you that have children (like me). Put simply: Do you children know you cross dress and if so how old where they when they found out and HOW did they find out.

I know in the near future I will face this with my daughter and I would rather she found out in a good way than via her mum and then take on the views of her mum - rather than form her own which is what i would prefer her to do. Now my daughter 8 early next year, so still young. But I wondered if explaining what I do simply at this age would be enough to help her form positive views on it - rather than wait until she is 10/11 and walked in on me without warning and got an horrific shock.

I know there is not right or wrong way to do this, but I would like to hear the experiences of others and how they got on so I can try do this in as best a way I can.

Thanks
Klaire

[juno]

If it were up to me, I would just be myself in front of children, from the very beginning. It teaches the that it is OK to be yourself, even if it is different, whether it is CDing, or any other issue. Most people feel "different" at some point, and the stress of trying to fit in is usually a big part of depression in children and teens. The problem is that mothers usually think crossdressing is somehow wrong, and only tolerate crossdressing. They don't want their children to turn out "weird" because of your influence. It might be better tolerated if you have only girls.

It is probably better to keep it as something fairly private while the kids are at home. Teenagers might be afraid to have friends over, even if they are totally understanding.

[t-girlxsophie]

My Son found out by accident,I wasnt as careful as I should have been when he visited my home,so his mother and I agreed that we had to fill in the blanks,Was a Traumatic time and I nearly lost him,wouldnt want anyone else to go through that,I.m not sure the right time to tell but I agree the worse way is to be Outed by accident.

When I met my wife we agreed not to tell her children straight away,let them get to know the male me,before telling them of My female side,they were 12yo,I think 7/8 may be just a little too early but I may be way off ,If all the facts are laid in front of them I think it would turn out ok,In my opinion its the only way they will learn to embrace every person whether str8,gay,TS whatever they may be,If you tell them

:hugs:Sophie

[KlaireLarnia]

Thanks Sophie, I really would like my daughter to understand. This week she has twice asked why I do not have a t-shirt on and I have said I do (which is correct I did, just a female one not a normal male one) and that it was just low cut. When she asked to see it I undid my jumper a little and I had a simple white v-neck Asda/George white t-shirt on. Nothing special or fancy. She just looked, turned and carried on as if to say - well that is boring.

My main concern is that my daughter will either think me weird and not like me for it, or take on the views of her mum who is anti what I do - but knows she has to accept I will not stop. A fine line I have to walk there between tolerance and distaste on the part of my wife.

If anyone else wants to comment please do, I would love to know more of how others go on so I can try and broach this with my daughter in the best way and at the right time.

Klaire

[Sandra]

We told our daughter about Nigella when she was 14 she is now 21....her reaction was "yeah I knew there was sommat" the next was " Can I borrow your clothes"

Amy is very supportive of her Dad and just recently telling her that dad was TS came as know surprise to her.... and god help anyone who makes a snide comment etc about Nigella, Amy pulls no punches and will not stand it from anyone, she is one very protective daughter.

When we told her she asked if she could tell her closest friend and we told her she could tell who ever she wanted to.

One thing you have to remember is that if your are not out fully, then you cannot expect children to keep your secret, it is juts not fair to do that. Most children are more understanding then adults and accept these things easier.

[LitaKelley]

My four year old knows. I'm dressed nearly all the time now these days and to her it's normal for me to be like this. I get a kick out her when she calls me "missy" lol. I also have 11yr old and a 9yr old daughters, but they do not know, because one, they do not live with me, and two, I don't think they need to know until it's time for them to come home.

[KlaireLarnia]

It is interesting to hear these views. My concerns are these:

1) If I do not bring this to my daughters attention she will either go with the "society veiw" that all cross dressers are weridos or in someway perverts/admornal.

2) She will inherit the same opinions that my wife has as she will be influenced by them. My wife is a strict Catholic from Asia and to her what I do is very wrong. But she knows the man she loves is there, so tolerates it to keep that person with her and in love with her - which he always would be regardless.

3) That if my daughter discovers what I do by accident her will in effect implode and not be able to deal with it, thus cutting of my ability to explain and help her see there is nothing wrong with what I do.

I know that at the moment the time is not right, but I need to be aware so that when the time ism right I am in a position to act and help her.

Klaire

[Danni Bear]

Klaire,

there is no right or wrong age to let your child know. Be yourself at all times, your kids will let you know when it is right for them. As another poster on here went through lately(TXKimberly) our kids see more than we realize. As for me personally,there was never a point in my kids life that they didn't know.


Danni

[Chickhe]

One advantage to dressing up on halloween is you can dress up in front of your kids and make it out as something fun. If they tell anyone, it should be accepted as just a halloween gag. Later on, they won't be shocked...

[KlaireLarnia]

One advantage to dressing up on halloween is you can dress up in front of your kids and make it out as something fun. If they tell anyone, it should be accepted as just a halloween gag. Later on, they won't be shocked...

Providing you enjoy Halloween and think it is not some overhyped money making "event" which is now totaly out of proportion and should not be celebrated in any respect - and yes that really is how I feel about it. I 100% HATE Halloween and everything to do with it. I prefer to celebrate All Saints Day and then enjoy the fireworks on Nov 5th for bonfire night in the UK.

Klaire

[JamieG]

My wife and I have two girls: ages 2 and 5. Neither has seen me dressed and neither has been told I CD. Our plan is to raise them with an open mind about gender roles and GBLT issues in general. Although we haven't directly discussed GBLT issues with them, they have met gay friends of ours. When our older daughter starts saying "boys can't do this" or "girls can't do that" we discuss it with her. We hope that if/when they find out that I CD, they'll be open-minded enough that it won't be too much of a shock. Of course, if you have the wife presenting a dissenting opinion, it would be harder to do this.

[KlaireLarnia]

My wife and I have two girls: ages 2 and 5. Neither has seen me dressed and neither has been told I CD. Our plan is to raise them with an open mind about gender roles and GBLT issues in general. Although we haven't directly discussed GBLT issues with them, they have met gay friends of ours. When our older daughter starts saying "boys can't do this" or "girls can't do that" we discuss it with her. We hope that if/when they find out that I CD, they'll be open-minded enough that it won't be too much of a shock. Of course, if you have the wife presenting a dissenting opinion, it would be harder to do this.

You pose an intersting idea there Jamie. I have heard my daughter say that boy cannot wear xxx before, but never done anything to actively challenge or question this. Perhaps this is a good track to take as it could be seen as making her consider other ideas and be open minded towards some things. One day she will find out or be told about what I do and if she is open minded to what people can and cannot do then so may be more accepting.

With my wife not being English we have taught her to be respectful of other races and religions - to be open minded and accept that they look and do things differently to us. The idea of challenging dressing sterotypes could be tagged onto this quite easily.

Now there is food for thought.

[Kiera79]

Ok in my situation I have 3 babies at home full time. They are 4,6,10 (10 being the daughter) the other two my wonderful sons. I dress around them and its just a part of me and I want them to know its ok to be different. I mean yeah they may get criticized if they make these or similar choices in life but at least they will see what I go through to be me.

[AKAMichelle]

My youngest was 14 at the time when he learned. My other 2 sons were grown at the time. I didn't have to figure that at when they were younger.

[KlaireLarnia]

MY big fear is not so much how she will handle it - as I think personally she would deal with it quite well - but more of who she will tell. She is unable to keep even the most basic of secret and I really do not want her shouting around school "Daddy wears skirts at home" or something like that. It would not be pleasant for her, me or my wife. Heck I suspect she would tell me brother and sister-in-law, who also currently do not know what I do as far as I am aware. That may also not be nice for us. But I suppose once the cat is out of the bag we have to hope it will not go and tear our home to pieces...

[thechic]

there is no easy way to tell your kids

I have 3 kids the oldest is 17years then theirs the six year old and the baby,they all know about me. It was just to hard to keep the secret so one night about 7 months ago i told them,found out the 17 year old already new.
its so much easier now i can go up town as my self with the kids,less stress, use to have to hide everything

[Ashleythenewgirl]

This is a good thread and exactly what I have asked myself lately. Mine are 5 and 8, both boys. My plan is to raise them to be aware of LGBT issues and that is part of life, nothing wrong with it. But first my wife and I have lots to work out before I can consider discussing this with the kids. Thanks, this is most helpful.

[PretzelGirl]

She is unable to keep even the most basic of secret

I can relate to this. I am the classic latebloomer and I have three kids. I told my 25 yr old daughter earlier this year. My son is on the east coast, so he doesn't know. But I have a 19 yr old daughter at home and finally told her. I did it knowing she grew up telling everyone what their Christmas present was. There hasn't been many secrets with her. But my wife and I felt that would be restricted to chat with her friends and not with family. This was a reasonable risk as her friends are not mine. So far it has worked out. She has told a few friends that I know of and I suspect it is actually many more. The older daughter? I immediately told her it was okay to call her best friend and talk with her about it. Between that and her husband (who I told), she seemed content. Whether I tell my son will only be known in time and it is at least a geographical issue as I only want to tell anyone face to face (at least for now).

[Jason+]

My wife and I went back on forth on this for a few years before we decided to tell our kids from her first marriage. I researched it a lot and found two schools of thought. The first was tell them younger before some of the societal programming has had a chance to become really ingrained and the second was to wait till they were over eighteen. The one spot that both sides seemed to agree on was that the early teen to early adult period they had enough on their plates to deal with figuring out who they are without adding any extra for them to figure out.

We decided that they would eventually figure it out on their own and that our home at least was a place I shouldn't have to hide and told them when they were around 6 and 9. When we did we knew there was a better than average chance they might say something about it outside the home although we asked that it remain family business, not so much a secret but like some important things not for everyone to know either. They are now 17 and 14 and one point or another both have asked if they could say something to other people about it or not and we have left that up to them after explaining that some will not like it and the effect it might have on their friendships especially when other parents are involved.

Both of them have said they think I should be as free as any one else to wear what I want but I have been particular to try and not test their mettle on that by putting them in the situation of being seen with me dressed out of the house in any more than nail polish. One of my daughter's friends asked her about it to which she replied "makes him happy," and that was the end of it. The two children from my first marriage 17 and 16 live with their mother and have no idea and while I don't like it if my ex-wife were to learn it would just add fuel to her fire about how terrible I am and cause trouble with already limited visitation.

Looking back I am glad we told the kids that know while they were younger although I have wondered if we made the right choice as other than helping us raise kids who are more tolerant and open minded about differences in people it benefited me more than them.

[KlaireLarnia]

I think it is right to explain to my daughter part of what I do but maybe not the full extent at this time. But I know if I do, I will have to also let two other people know as well as explain to my wife that I have done this.

At the moment, I have no bathroom due to stripping it out and redecorating while my wife is away. All being well it will be back in use Thursday/Friday. At the moment my daughter and me have to take a 5-10 min walk to my brothers house and shower/bath there and then walk home. This is perfectly fine and he and his wife have no problem with us doing this as we have little choice.

While I was tiling today and then in the even after having a bath round my brothers I wore a female top and bra. This is because it is what I prefer to wear when not in public if I am able to. Now the nice thing was my daughter did not say a thing about seeing me in first a black scooped necked top and then a white low-cut v-neck top. I think all she saw was daddy in a low cut top.

So this reaction was good. She also seemed supprised yesterday while walking to my brothers that I knew a lot about how your walk alters in heels and the different sizes/styles. As we where in public this was not a good time to explain how I knew, just that I do.

Anyhow I am most likely going to continue with the tops this week and let her see me in them and if she asks then be honest and tell her. She can then decide what she feels at that point. I also know that if I do tell her, I need to tell my brother and sister-in-law (the latter of who is actually my wife's sister as two brothers married two sisters which is Joyful at times.... NOT!). I actually suspect they are both aware for various reasons but have not said anything to me. The reason I will tell them is because my daughter is close to them and as we lack grandparents for various reasons - they are the next best thing. I need to be able to prep them for questions she may ask or thoughts she may share.

So this is my idea. BUT only if the right oppotunity comes up. I will not force this upon her, but if she asks a question or makes a comment that "boys cannot wear xxx" I will challenge it and ask why - and then try and use me as an example if i can.

Thank you all for your thoughts, I know have my plan of action and it just a matter of time before I put it into play.

Klaire

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

Before my son was born, my wife and I discussed it and made a conscious decision that he would know from birth. He's now 7 and he simply accepts it as part of who I am.

He has been aware that it's not what every male does, and seems to have understood that while learning the concepts of gender roles. He hasn't outed me that I'm aware of, and I haven't outed myself to his peers because I don't want him to be a victim of abuse because of me, but one of my neighbours who knows about me (and is one of my friends on facebook) is the grandmother of one of the other boys at his school. She's also openly living with another woman, and as far as I'm aware her grandson doesn't get harassed about that, so maybe I'm just being overly cautious.

[RachelOKC]

My son just turned two. We have no intention of hiding anything from him since I'm not doing anything wrong by being TG. I've already taken him to several GLBT events including the Trans March and Pride Parade. When a clip of us marching wound up on the news, I realized that just pushing a baby stroller can be making a powerful statement.

I want to raise my child to believe that all people should be treated with dignity and to fight for GLBT rights as strongly as he would fight for his own. I also want others to see that we GLBT's - especially us transpeople - do have loving families, we do have children, and we will teach them rightly. I know it will be difficult and at times embarassing, but as TG's this is the life we choose to live. Beats hiding all our lives.