Coming out to my SO at Halloween: good idea or???/updated

[Tammy V]

I am a married part time cd and have never confessed this to my SO (wife). I sure have done my share of hinting and my general feeling up to this point is that she would not be accepting. Our marriage is not close physically anymore, and she has never mentioned things like me shaving my chest and legs (almost 2 years now) although everyone tells me she must have noticed. I am sure she has strong suspisions but I have never told her about my crossdressing beyond telling her I used to wear my Mom's lipstick when I was a kid etc. Whenever I have really gotten close to telling her she would say something like, "You havent gone queer on me have you?"
Anyway, Halloween is coming up and I have been telling her I was going to "dress up" for Halloween, something I have never done (not even costumes). We are not going out so it will be just us here. Her initial reaction was she thought it would be something kinky. Last night I told her I was going to be one of the Kardashians for Halloween. She actually was cool about it and said a lot of people do that. Then she mentioned I do not have the hair for it, and I suggested I can get a wig and she replied I could do that.
I wonder if this is the break I have been looking for. I went through the same thing emotionally last Halloween, but was not able to tell her or go through with it. Lately I have really been wanting to confess my female side to her but just cannot get it out. Maybe this is my chance. I have gotten input from some online friends both for and against this idea of dressing on Halloween and I wanted to pose the question here...Is this a good idea. Of course, my goal is to use this as an opportunity to fully come out to her. One friend says that she will be able to tell this is not my first time in drag and I am sure she will. I will not look like Khloe kardashian, but I have been working on my look for almost 6 years and I do intend to look my best whenever I get dolled up. I would just love some direction from my sisters here.
Thanks and hugs,
Tammy

[Amanda22]

It's impossible to predict what would happen either way. My opinion is that the best way to come out to your wife is to have a calm discussion without the distraction of Halloween. Pick some other time. Her comment starting with "You haven't gone..." bothers me and I think she may not be very accepting to the reality of your CDing. I hate to tell you that, and I hope I'm dead wrong.

[Gerrijerry]

getting dressed for halloween and telling her about you being a CD are not the same thing. My thinking would be to talk to her about the CDing part before you dress. have lots of information ready for her. and don't get upset with all her questions. She will also need lots of time to deside how she wants to handle it. It may or may not effect your relationsip with her overtime.
Personally I think talking while you are not dressed would make it eaiser for both of you.

[Shelly Preston]

I would have to say NO NO & No

Coming out to your wife could be one of the best things you ever do but halloween is not the time

You need some calm time where you can sit together and discuss this because she will have questions
She will also need time to absorb what you tell her

It is possible she may put all the clues together when you tell her but dont assume she has already

Good luck when the time comes

Read the link in my signature on "how to tell your partner"

[juno]

Many people associate crossdressing with homosexuality. It is important to help them understand that clothing preference and sexual preference are very distinct issues. The biggest problem is dealing with the lying/deception. The sooner you come out, the sooner you can start undoing all of the damage already done. I think the biggest obstacle is realizing that you have not been dishonest when it comes to her. If she thinks you lied about your sexual preference, that makes all of your intimate time together fake, which is unforgivable. Even if you never outright lied, deception by secrecy has a huge impact on trust.

I think that it may be better to come out a bit at a time, like maybe just lipstick and nail polish, before coming out as a full CDer. I think coming out in a full female Halloween outfit may be a bit dramatic. But, if you start telling the truth now, Halloween might be a good opportunity to show her your CD talents in a way that is less threatening, because it is "just for fun".

Good luck, Juno

[Roberta Young]

Tammy im going against poplar opinion, but this is how i came out to my SO years ago. it will open up or give you the chance to talk. my SO thought something was up when we practiced my MAKEUP on JAN 1st getting ready for halloween. take it slow and be honest in all your answers. GOOD LUCK! luv Roberta

[Tamara Croft]

Definitely NO! If this goes bad for you, Halloween will never be the same again for you or her and even worse if you have children. Holidays are for fun, not for starting something serious like this, especially with the 'you haven't gone' statement... don't do it, if my partner had told me on a holiday date, one that I enjoyed, I think I'd be real pissed about it!

[JohnH]

It's too bad that you had to start your cross dressing secretly. I keep my feminine things in plain site and wear them all the time around my wife. In fact, my wife teases me for wanting to go through boxes left by my previous wife, where I found four dresses and two skirts that fit me. I wear two of the dresses all the time openly in front of my wife. It's interesting that my wife has found some skirts and dresses that sort of fit her, but she does not wear them since she wears only pants for street clothes.

I see that others have expressed that you should not use Halloween to come out. I see their point. Maybe you could find a comfortable house dress - or a sun dress that you could use to lounge around the house and say that you are really comfortable without the wedge of cloth against your "boys" below, and a dress has no binding in the waist. In fact, my wife and I have similar sun dresses that we like to wear as "his and her" outfits.

Another way of coming out is simply to get above the knee denim skirts and wear a man's shirt and men's shoes with it. Also claim that it is more comfortable than shorts.

I would really shy away from lipstick is the initial coming out - since men very seldomly wear lipstick. You could paint your toenails however.

[Sandra]

If my SO had come out to me like you are suggesting then I would be on pissed off person.

Why oh why use Halloween as an excuse to tell your SO....she's your Significant Other for godsake....give her some credit.

[Philipa Jane]

Hi Tammy
I gotta go with the general consensus of opinion here.
What you are about to do will seriously impact on your relationship. I for one would suggest that if it goes badly with you dressed up to the nines with the apparent attitude of your SO you may end up feeling humiliated and ridiculed.
I believe it would be much better to have a proper conversation with her. ( You may need Dutch courage to start the ball rolling)
Be well prepared with as many explanations as you can to why you need to do this.
Good luck
PJ

[Tammy V]

I just feel this is the time to break the ice. Halloween is almost just another day to us, so if it goes bad it won't be spoiling a good holiday. Based on some advice I am getting here though, I do want to talk as much prior to the day as possible. The real problem is me, but I have wanted to have this talk for over two years and just have not been able to do it.

[Sandra]

Tammy hun sit down with her say that you have something that you want to tell her, and ask her to listen and not say anything until you have finished. Then let her have her say and go from there.

[MiamiMarie]

Tammy, if you are going to come out to your wife (and you certainly should) please come correct. Don't just blurt it out because the Halloween fog is calling even worse than a pink fog.

I would suggest taking time to read the "how to come out to your SO" stickys. Collect your thoughts. Gather some informative materials to give to her, and dress as a man when you tell her. Many wives have a much harder time with their husband's CDing when they are introduced to it in full dress.

[Alice B]

There is so much that we do not know about your relationship with your wife, but based upon what you have said I think it is a great time to be open and honest with her. Open and honest being the key words. And listen to what she has to say and what her concerns are. It may lead to a much closer relationship. Let us know how it goes and good luck.

[Kylie666]

I say do it Before or After Halloween "Not on Halloween"

It could be to little to late "Not saying it is" just that it's a lot harder to tell someone your a Crossdresser when you have been going out for many years and/or married, But then again it's all about the person and how they handle the Information you just told them.

But really i say do whats in your hart, If you feel the need to tell her at that time then go for it. :)

[Melinda G]

I am a married part time cd and have never confessed this to my SO (wife). I sure have done my share of hinting and my general feeling up to this point is that she would not be accepting. Our marriage is not close physically anymore, and she has never mentioned things like me shaving my chest and legs (almost 2 years now) although everyone tells me she must have noticed. I am sure she has strong suspisions but I have never told her about my crossdressing beyond telling her I used to wear my Mom's lipstick when I was a kid etc. Whenever I have really gotten close to telling her she would say something like, "You havent gone queer on me have you?"

You've pretty much answered your own question. I think you know what the result will be. You are looking for one of us to tell you " go ahead dear and tell her everything, and it will all work out". It's not gonna be me. It sounds like your marriage is on shakey ground already, and telling her you are a crossdresser isn't going to help matters. If she equates crossdressing with being queer, this is not going to have a good outcome no matter how much "splainin" you do.

[Chickhe]

Yes, do it. Dress up with her help on halloween, but don't tell all. Save the telling for later because you want her to remember halloween for the fun and crazyness... the advantage is she will have seen you dressed up so that part will not shock her later... What you can do, is just tell her is was fun, but sometime you want to try an experiment to see how realistic you can look. See if she is up for that, she might just laugh it off, or take you up on the offer. I really believe it is better to just play and experiment together than to dump the whole 'I am transgendered junk on her'...just do it.

[giuseppina]

From the information you've posted, I think discretion is the better part of valor. It sounds as though your marriage is not in the best shape, and a revelation like this is guaranteed to send shock waves through it. From what I've read here and elsewhere, this happens in the majority of marriages that have game-changing revelations like this.

A better idea is to leave the frillies at home on Hallowe'en and open up afterwards. As someone else said, heeding the advice in Marla GG's thread on how to disclose your issue may make things a bit easier for her.

You're asking for trouble if you open up in the way you propose.

[JamieG]

Tammy, my 2 cents, feel free to take it or leave it: I think Halloween could be a good time to gauge her reaction to your CDing, but probably isn't the best time to come out. However, I think going to a party where both of you are dressing gives you a better excuse than simply dressing up at home. Tread very carefully with this dressing up idea and make sure she's totally cool with it. Make it fun for her. Perhaps suggest that the two of you have your own little costume party. Perhaps get some of her favorite wine, her favorite desert, pick out some music that both of you like, or get a scary movie (assuming both of you like such things). But most of all, keep it light and fun!

If all goes well, then maybe a week later you can consider referring back to the night and using it as an opening to talk about your crossdressing. However, from the sound of your first post, it seems that the two of you need to reconnect as a couple, and perhaps that should be your priority.

[Taylor186]

My experience was that my SO though that a guy dressed as a woman for Halloween was gender bending fun, but a CD dressed as a woman wasn't. Those early Halloweens where I dressed (before she knew I was a CD) took on a whole new and somewhat unpleasant meaning for her once I told her I was a CD. For one, she felt completely tricked and deceived. We're still together but Halloween is no longer a special day for us. I'm in the camp of tell her before you do it.

[alice clair]

Hi Tammyv
I made it real easy i told my present wife, on our first date and she has been my best supporter ever since. She buys me things all the time and loves for me to look good as her favorite girl. But my second wife was not so nice about it and is one of many reasons we are not together anymore. My wife has been looking for a party somewhere for us to go but has had no luck. So we will go shopping while i am enfem and she will enjoy it as much as i do. We dont hold any secrets about anything. We have been together for almost 20 yrs now and are just as in love as when we first got together.

Michelle

[BRANDYJ]

I am with the majority here. NO, Halloween is not a good time to tell her. And telling her and dressing in front of her are not the same thing. It's like you are pushing this into her face and not letting her decide whether or not she can accept this and maybe then and only then she might want to see you dressed.
I'd scratch this plan. So you shave your chest and legs and she has not said anything. I suspect she already knows and is as afraid to bring it up as you are. She is perhaps waiting for you to finally be open and honest with her about why your legs and chest are shaved. You say that you are not close physically anymore. Is this because she choose not to be... or is it you? You did not mention how you get along. Do you still love her, does she love you? Any children?
If you want to come out to her, man up and tell her you need to talk to her and sit her down and tell her. Do this without the dressing up...especially at Halloween.
I never felt like letting a wife see you dressed is the best way to come out to her. Skip the Halloween thing and if you want to dress on Halloween, at least have a place to go. It's a lame excuse to dress and stay at home. Frankly, it's a dead giveaway that you are a CD. She said OK to buying the wig to confirm her suspicions or maybe in hopes you will finally confess what she already knows or suspects.

Go read this thread. It may give you an inspiration to finally come clean. It went well for Jenny and just might be the same for you.
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?141530-Comming-out-to-my-wife-as-Jennysue
If you can't face her and tell her, then I suggest writing a letter to her with exactly how you feel and why you chose to hide this from her. Let her read it when you are not around and give her time to think about it. One or two things will happen. She will either freak out and let it be known this is not acceptable to her, or she may feel relief that you finally opened up to her and may now feel the love and trust in her that she is missing. Leave the dressing up out of it until she knows the whole story. I wish you luck and hope all goes well.

[NicoleScott]

Halloween and coming out to your wife have one and only one thing in common: dressing up like a female.

Halloween is temporary dressup fun, and costumes often exaggerate female characteristics (for example: boobs, makeup, short skirts, high heels, wigs) for comic effect, and your wife's view of it in this light is one of acceptability.

Coming out as a crossdresser is a serious matter. It should be done when the time and place is right, and you may have to do some preparation to set up the conversation. It should not be done en femme, in my opinion.

Whether you look like you're in a costume or look authenticlly female, you're screwed.
If you're in a costume and tell her you're a cd, this is look she will think you desire to have.
If you look authentically female, it could be very threatening to her, and she'll know it's not your first dressup.

And as others have said, it will ruin Halloween forever.

If you want to dress up for Halloween, do it, and have fun with it.
If you want to come out to her, do it, and be serious about it.
Just don't do them togther (in my opinion). Good luck.

[AKAMichelle]

I think you should tell her in a private sit down session. Cd'ing is way too complictated a topic to do as wow here I am. You do that way and you could very well end up with a bad situation. But if you lay the groundwork and then use halloween as a way for her to see you dressed then that's fine

[Tima]

I wonder if this is the break I have been looking for. I went through the same thing emotionally last Halloween, but was not able to tell her or go through with it. Lately I have really been wanting to confess my female side to her but just cannot get it out. Maybe this is my chance.

If you did that, wouldn’t your SO forever equate your crossdressing with costume, or imposture, something you do only for a laugh now and then? I would choose a more serious time and place for such an important announcement. Halloween is not an “emotional” time, IMHO.
:straightface:

[Tammy V]

I do appreciate all of your responses and I will keep reading them. I think the biggest issue with me now is whether to tell her or not. I do not have much hope for a good reaction, but with her giving me a green light to dress on Halloween, I think somehow I will not miss this opportunity. If I can sit down and have a good talk with her before or after the occassion I can finally be out to my wife after hiding this for so many years.

[Tammy V]

I took the advice of the majority of those that responded and decided to fully come out to my wife before Halloween. I am not sure she wants to see me dressed on Halloween now and we had quite a few long chats yesterday after I finally mustered the courage to tell her yesterday afternoon. Too soon to tell how its going to go, but right now I would say she is being understanding but not accepting. I will keep y'all updated and thanks for all your advice so far.
Hugs,
Tammy

[AKAMichelle]

Be patient because it takes time for them to deal with it. Saturday night my wife saw me for the first time fully dressed and it is roughly 3 years after telling her about me. Another friend of mine just told his wife 3 months ago and she was supporting up to a point. She didn't want to see any pictures or anything like that, but she did allow him to go off and have fun with a bunch of CD'ers twice now. I heard yesterday via email that the wife was looking at pictures but I don't know if that meant pics of the husband yet or not.

[BRANDYJ]

Tammy, I read your original post and commented. So this new news is good. I'm glad you took this big scary step. Believe me, if the love is there in her heart and in yours, things will work out. Sure there may be some boundaries and rules she wishes you to follow, but as time goes by, she will most likely come to terms with it and still see you as the man she married. For many, it brings them closer then they have ever been. Just go slow, don't push it and let her lead in any future talks or as to when and if she wants to see you dressed. I wish you both the very best.

[MiamiMarie]

Congrats!!! Take your time with the dressing for now, easy does it through this tricky period. Best wishes!

[Tammy V]

Be patient because it takes time for them to deal with it. Saturday night my wife saw me for the first time fully dressed and it is roughly 3 years after telling her about me. Another friend of mine just told his wife 3 months ago and she was supporting up to a point. She didn't want to see any pictures or anything like that, but she did allow him to go off and have fun with a bunch of CD'ers twice now. I heard yesterday via email that the wife was looking at pictures but I don't know if that meant pics of the husband yet or not.

Michelle, I am just wondering how it went Saturday night?

[JAMIE20]

I have told my wife that I want to wear panties, I have a drawer full of them, 24/7. She can't even come to terms with that, so there's no way she would accept me fully crossdressing. I would love to wear frilly lingerie to bed at night. I do wear cotton panties, but she doesn't like that either. I do not plan on going back to male underwear, so I think we will be going our separate ways fairly soon. It would make it so much easier if she was accepting, even if just for the panty wearing part...she knows that it could lead to more, and she's doubly scared of that. Afraid of what people will say in our small town.

[corynn]

I tell all the girls this
-Helen boyd- author of my husband betty
go and buy that book for your wife you'll be glad you did and ask her to please read it that she will build a better understanding from it and respect you as Tammy

[anonymousinmaryland]

Tammy V, if you come out as you look in your profile, what could be the problem? That you are more attractive than her?
You look terrific. Take your time and go slow with her. She's supposed to be your best friend.

[Shelly Preston]

Tammy
Please remember not to rush things and go at a pace that suits your wife

It takes time patience and a lot of questions for you to answer before making progress

She may want to join this forum, and then the FAB section to talk with others who have gone through the same process

[JamieG]

That was very brave of you Tammy; we're all proud of you. I hope it works out for you and your wife. Just remember, as many of the others have said, take it slow from here. You need to give your wife some breathing room on the topic. Be prepared to answer all questions thoughtfully and honestly and be open to working with her on the issue. I recommend that you take the initiative and say, "I know this is a lot for you to handle right now, so I won't dress in drag on Halloween as we originally planned." Give her the option to cancel your private party altogether, but if she decides to go through with it, get a costume that you think she'd like to see you in. I know it'll be hard to resist the temptation to dress now that things are out in the open, but if you push too much to soon, it could really hurt your relationship.

[Alice B]

Very good and you should feel some relief. It is a long process with ups and downs, but since she did not go out screaming and shouting at you I would say the results will be good. Just keep the communication open, honest and listen to what her concerns and demands are.

[Tammy V]

Thanks everybody for the support. Coming out to my wife was one of if not the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I am glad I did it. Yesterday (day 2) I took her to dinner and we went shopping a bit. We were looking at handbags for her and I kept my mouth shut when I saw one I wanted to also, but at least that door is open and we seem to be getting along fine.
Hugs,
Tammy

[TiffanyTgirl]

Good for you. Hope it all continues for the best!