Dating

[Jeremy]

i'm an FTM and consider myself a straight male, if that makes sense. if you're dating a woman and want to go the next step, what do you tell her? do you tell her from the very beginning or wait until you've been dating for a while? i have no problem dating other crossdressers either. i know they would also understand. any body have any input?

jeremy:confused:

[mistunderstood]

Nice to meet you Jeremy. Welcome. I go for total honesty. Just me thou. I was lucky and into a relationship when I figured out I was trans. I have learned in life to be as honest as I can with people. Again just me. Honesty will cause pain thou. So I do it and hope for the best. Just my :2c:

[WalT]

At this point in my life, if I was not with my partner, I'd tell them upfront. Yes, there is risk in that, but there is also risk (perhaps even more risk) in waiting to tell them later. They might flip out, or they might be incredibly hurt you waited so long to tell them. It's sort of a catch-22; some people are adamant you should wait, and some people will rip you a new asshole if you don't tell the person the first date.

Personally, if they don't want to date me 'cause I'm trans, I don't want to date them either.

[Areyan]

i have considered this... only briefly because i'm not ready to date anyone yet, but i think i'd be wanting to go for the up-front approach myself. i know being this way will freak some people out but it will also ensure only the ones interested would continue to see me after disclosure. at this point i see myself pursuing relationships with women as a straight male also... i think it depends on the situation that the two of you meet up but if it's out there for discussion about dating, then yes. i'd state clearly who i am and ask if still interested. hope that helps.

[AnonyMouse]

You're pre-treatment, right? Go full disclosure straight off. Unless you're really good at presenting, I'm guessing you're still being seen as a woman, which would make the relationship both awkward and started under false pretenses. (And yet, ironically, some people will make this claim if you don't full-disclose after you're presenting as your target sex - this is bullshit fueled by the idea that your birth sex is your "true" sex.)

[7sisters]

Disclosure depends on who you are dating. Her level of knowledge and comfort with transexualism. And what stage of transition you are in.

My advice is to wait till you know the person better and she knows you well and there clearly is chemisty. Then tell her. Not immediately. If she runs around spreading the news it wont be good. And don’t make a huge fuss about it like you have something ‘wrong with you’. Be matter of fact. Behave in the way you want her to react.

Everyone is an individual. And while honesty is the best policy, being calculating and smart is not a bad idea either.

[mistunderstood]

7sisters your story is similar to mine. I started out thinking I was a lesbian but then realized I was a CD'er. I thought only men where crossdressers. But I found out I was wrong. I found on-line stories about women who did it also. My girl friend really Had a hard time with this. So we both have a hard time with me being trans.

[7sisters]

You are right Mistunderstood. No relationship is without its challenges.

Jeremy, whatever time you pick to tell your lady love, sincerity and good intent speak volumes. Dont use an intermediary and tell her yourself. I wish you the best.

[Areyan]

What is worse is in my country in those days, transmen even in our local LGBT were referred to by female pronouns "she" "her".

yeah this one does really grate... the outer appearance does make it harder for the newly out or not-yet-passing transman to be able to disclose... probably a reason i don't want to be dating for awhile yet. discovering my own trans path was not easy to come to me, though i am starting to embrace it now. i want to be sure of how i present before i think about dating girls because i don't really want to come off as a butch lesbian or be referred to as "she" while still appearing quite female.... i also thought i was only a lesbian when i got close to resolving my identity crisis, so for some of us i guess this is one way of bringing it out.

[7sisters]

Jeremy, I hope our conversation is helping you decide what TIME is best suited for you. Sometimes I think the timing chooses itself. After all as someone said "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans".

[Felix]

For me is there ever a right time to disclose I think be honest most definitely but only you will know deep down when the time is right.

I have been married like many transsexuals I have also been in a long term Lesbian relationship when I was in my deepest denial of my true self. She knew I was more of a man that met the eye and occasionally would hint at this to me but I used to get shy and say 'yeah what ever behave yourself' because I was in denial. I couldn't deny it anymore to her or myself. Come november 2005 when due to another friend visiting us and outing himself to us as a trans man it became too apparent to her that I too wanted more than to be this Butch Lesbian and wanted to follow the path of transition.

She tried extremely hard to accommodate me and tried hard to understand and I don't just mean in none intimate situations *blushes* but at the end of the day come 2007 we both realized she could not carry on because she was lesbian and didn't want a man which I was. So we parted, we do talk still which is good and she does support me on line :).

So like I said I don't think there is a right time that is down to you really just be honest :) xx Felix

[Drake]

I was watching Oprah once and she had a MTF on. Her strategy for first dates was to only tell the person after she got to know them and wanted to kiss them. So saying outright that you're transgendered might attract the creeps, but saying it after you got to know eachother in the first date might be better timing, so the person doesn't jump to conclusions beforehand or feel betrayed after any intimacy.

Hope that made sense.

[Florence Tidji]

Hey Jeremy, don't wait too long before saying who you are: just be yourself and I'm sure you will enjoy dating with women or CDs!

[ecenur]

A lot of people actually do this, they hand over essays to say what they want to say or to present their thoughts in a way other then speaking out loud. I have never had anyone write me an essay to speak their mind however, I did receive a short story like i was a teacher and had a student handing in a term paper or a assignment. I would appreciate it more if people I cared about or anyone else for that matter, could speak their mind instead of hiding behind phones, computer screens, pieces of papers etc but, I'm learning to deal with that. I guess some people just aren't comfortable.