"Duality"

[NathalieX66]

I'm cool with the term. Sometimes both sides fight with each other, but in the endgame, if pushed for one direction, the other will fight back. I would love to be a pretty girl, and I swear I'd take it to the next level and go full time or doing HRT , but giving up my guy self would kill me. Nor am I prepared for the external reaction (that being the outside world of famly/friends/employer). I'm not sure if anyone here wrestles with this kind of thing.

[juno]

I think it is quite interesting that CDers develop dual personalities. It is a bit like the experience of thinking in a different language. I have seen many people with their male side troubled with interests of their female side, especially when it comes to sex.

I have no interest in full time, but it would be nice to have a nose that could pass as female, and maybe increase my breast size a bit more. It seems pretty common to want feminine physical traits, but just to the limit you can still hide them in male mode. I wonder how common it is to do HRT just enough to look feminine, but not fully female.

Juno

[Christy_M]

I think conscience duality is probably OK. My biggest fear growing up was that I might turn into Sybil or something like that. Once I got old enough to understand that wasn't likely, I felt a little better about my little feminine quirk. :)

[Steph.TS]

I have the same inner fight, I would transition in a heartbeat, SRS,FFS, vocal training, elecrolysis or laser, if some millionaire offered to pay for it all, but right now I'm saving up, but I find myself at times shocked that I bought dresses and wore them, or applied nail polish and wore it in public, I'm terrified what my dad and sister, my friends, and my co-workers/employers would say. I'm even worried about total strangers, but it doesn't stop me from wear women's jeans in public and feeling good about myself, wearing a nightdress/shirt to bed, and even looking at shaving my legs and applying nail polish...

I must say a good part of the duality I believe is society's impact on us and our fears that result. if everyone could feel just fine about switching gender, or even just dressing up or where ever anyone stands on the spectrum, no one would feel uncomfortable about this area, judgmental people wouldn't wouldn't makes us feel about about this, as no one judgmental makes people that buy regular clothes for their own gender feel bad...

[Cherry Lynn]

Nathalie, in response to your last sentence I also wrestle with those feelings.

[Noemi]

Yes. You are describing it quite well, and sound like some one who has a good head on their shoulders.

When you can pass so well for a guy, I myself have everyone fooled and can effortlessly play my man self. BUT the older I get the more I am aware that it is a role I am playing, just as you are describing. I am really more woman than man, but have a career that I love and worked hard to create as a man, not to mention my family( I am single, I am referring to my siblings and parents), but we are so dissimilar than I could get over that, though they would not like it at all.
Thank you for your post I have similar ideas of going full time. What I am realizing is that I can talk my self back to being a man for a few days BUT it only takes a moment/a feeling to become Filomena and realize that she is here to stay.....perhaps just being a gay or bi man and not altering my hardware. That is what my pragmatic mind concludes, to dress and be a woman with some playmates....but to live as a man who dresses up and is out about it. I would never alter my mind or drive as I work in a creative field, and do not want to mask my instincts because they are where they should be, or risk my health. I strive to see the perfection in things, I believe that I chose this path long ago and intend to walk it.
Duality Indeed.

An Excellent thread you have started.(damn I sound like Yoda LOL)

[NathalieX66]

Thanks & hugs to those responded so far. The way I see it is like Duality is sometimes like a married couple that doesn't agree on anything.
Ten years ago, I was someone who wanted to go down the route of full time, or transition. Then after I lost a job, my male side kicked in and I purged/denied/and gave it all up, then finally came back with a successful job. I'm very proud of the career achievements I've made since then, and it has given me a sense of purpose, which has expanded my social life (I love my friends, each and every one of them) , and yet this doesn't stop the fact that I like to be the other gender once in a while.
Where's the line? Neither side I am willing to deny completely.
Does a crossdresser who goes out and socialize with other CD'ers say to one's self "OK, I want to take it to the next level" .............?
It's easy to say " I don't"......but I swear it's something that's sometimes in the back of the mind of some.
Is this denial, or just being reasonable & practical?

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

This always intrigued me about hermaphrodites, do they ever argue within themselves when the male wont take the rubbish out and it peeves the female part right off? CDing and the line, Hmmm I think the line rarely passes centrally. It will always be in the female or male part longer depending on the hormones. Some days I wish I was more female and others I am glad for being male, especially undoing the jam jar lid. To be balanced or in equilibrium with oneself is good that one can accommodate any change. To be a CD for me is I am whole, one body encapsulating female and male. I fear the day that I will never see the others point of view. So for me I am glad of my accepted duality. Better than being a monopole.

[Noemi]

If we were to polarize Male and Female as (-) and (+), internalizing these charges, as we naturally do, is very powerful, as in a force, or field of energy. Who is to say that by diminishing one we will be better off. Plus I will never be a gateway to this world as a woman is, I am born a man. BUT, there but it is again, I feel so relaxed and complete when I am dressed, and I feel better about my sexual thoughts about men, I feel sexy which feels nice. I would love for my man to come home and for me to fix him dinner and relax all evening with him and go off to bed together. This, well anyway that is me, perhaps not what you are feeling, I just need to share somethings...the dressing certainly is enjoyable.

[Lucy_Bella]

I'm right there with you, I like that term as well maybe we should use that even tho lables are not so welcomed here..It's always a struggle when Lucy appears I hate to see her go but at the same time I am relieved when it happens...
Its always an internal struggle one fighting the other for appearance or real time..

I thought I was alone on this thinking and I swear I am the same person when lucy or my male self.. tHOUGHT i WAS NUTZ ..sTILL MAY BE but atleast there are two of us nuts now..

[TommyII]

I Almost always struggle. There are roots in your life. Yank them out? Want to keep them? I like living in both worlds for now. As people get to know both of you you may find it easier to decide, maybe not. Take your time and see what happens. You are the only one that knows what's best for you. This is a good place to explore.

[Inna]

Reality, what is reality? Who am I, a flesh brought forth to this realm, a mind with dreams and fluid perceptions, or spirit, internal, roaming in dream-scape? It seems all those keep pulling within its own to gain advantage, tearing me to pieces in the process. Masculine flesh wants all the attention and privilege within material world holding onto material reality, job, money, power, survival, skill. Mind wants to explain how all this fits into a comprehensive chain of events making sense of chaos and struggle. Yet my spirit shines with different light and plays to the independent ear a melody of innocence and purity and vulnerability. I often read a statement of being crossdresser but comfortable within own skin and never wishing for further change of venue. And yet I can not see it that way, as though melody must contain continuously flowing notes intertwined in ever delicate interaction and link one to another with meaningful embrace. It is a road we sometimes find ourselves suddenly thrown on, in the middle of nowhere, with no clear beginning and no end in sight, at this moment we don't know where we are but must walk the road with hope of getting to a destination. At times is almost unbearable and nothing in sight and yet sometimes I see something on the horizon as though mirage in the eye of barely holding to life being in the middle of scorching desert of life. We all walk this path and it tears us to pieces at times and decisions we make may slow us down but believe me, I don't see how once on it we can step out of it. Curse or blessing, I will leave it to our minds to dwell on that and let my spirit guide me with the light of truth I believe it to be.

[Leasa Wells]

I have struggled with "Duality" all my life as I get older I believe it time to blend both of them together by acceptance. Being on this forum has made me understand myself better I only wish society would too.

[erickka]

I have struggled with "Duality" all my life as I get older I believe it time to blend both of them together by acceptance. Being on this forum has made me understand myself better I only wish society would too.

Great point L L. I also look at it this way....We really do have the best of both worlds. A GG can't shed the boobs or hips if she wanted to be a guy in an instant, but we are able to fully transform into a beautiful GG (thanks to a lot of prosthetics) and back again very quickly and completely.

[msniki48]

Nathalie, you and i are very similar, and seem to be fighting the same fight. If i knew i could be able to deal with the outside world as you put it, i do think i would have taken it to the next level. Giving up my guy self though is a question i still battle with. my therapist said: all the things you do as a guy, girls do. fishing , golf, riding motorcycle, etc. i wish i could just get comfortable with that concept and stop puffing up [ guy thing] when im with the guys. i still compartmentalize vince and niki, and i can't say i'm happy about it though.

hugs hope to see you soon at a meeting hun ;)

[Karren H]

I used to but now they have merged.... Singularity... I'm me no mater what clothing I wear... But your right and you you can sense it in peoples posts.... "I went out as Karren".... "Or did this or that as"... I don't do anything AS him or her... Just plain old me... Sometimes prettier... Most of the time not...

[AKAMichelle]

Yes very much so. Some days I am ready to go to the other side while others I just can't go in either direction.

[Sarah Doepner]

I see two parts to this discussion of duality, internal and external. I have no desire to transition, but life would be so much simpler if I could fully integrate the feminine and masculine, the pretty and the not-so-pretty. I do try to bring the different aspects of life together in an effort to avoid being confused by my gender experssion. It's not working very well however. There is still a gap between not just how I look, but in how I feel and a little bit in how I relate to others depending on what part of the closet I'm dressing out of. The process of exploring the feminine from a male perspective requires me to avoid or change many of my deeply ingrained attitudes and behaviors. It's not just the adoption of feminine attributes and appearances, but the rejection of male ones and the discovery of those that are appropriate in either state. Ideally, when it's all done, I can have a mental wardrobe that is neutral, a set of physical behaviors and characteristics that are acceptable as either gender. I keep working at it, but haven't made the kind of progress needed to make this happen and the duality remains.

The other part of the equation is how my desires would impact those around me. Family and friends generally have a reasonable expectation that some things remain the same in a relationship. It allows us to work on life without having to redefine all the parameters every day. One that is buried very deeply is the expectation that my gender will be constant, not fluctuate or change on a regular basis. Once that happens the rest of the relationship will be questioned and needs redefining and most people don't have the time, energy or desire to remain in a relationship where that is happening. Gender has so much inertia in our world that when it changes, it really rattles the walls. I did that to my wife and she responded wonderfully, but it was more work than she should have faced. I can't ask my grandchildren to deal with that for the time being, they have enough to learn just to be successful as they grow up toward their teens and eventually adult years. If I can be successful with my internal attempt to integrate the attitudes, behaviors and a little bit more of the look, the external impact should be a little less. But unless I were to totally transition, which I won't do, I think I will always be facing some aspects of the duality conundrum.

[JamieG]

Excellent question. I don't see myself ever transitioning, because there are certain things I like about being a guy. Still, there are times where I fantasize what it would be like to present as femme 24x7. If I did, I think I would still do the guys things I like: watch football, drink microbrews, watch horror movies and sci-fi, etc. In part I think the appeal is that these days, its okay for women to do more traditionally male activities, while it's still considered "queer" for guys to do anything remotely feminine. I think I'd just like to be myself and not worry about what anybody thinks. I've been trying to better integrate my two sides: one example is taking ballet classes as a guy. I can't say if its working or not. The more comfortable I get in my femme self, the more time I seem to want to spend as her. Of course, I'm still male me 98% of the time, so maybe I just need more balance, not full-time femme. Am I making any sense?

[Sarah Michelle]

Duality accurately describes my current state of being. There are clear differences between who I was and who I am. I compartmentalize the differences, for the moment, by attributing them to a male side or a female side. The truth is closer to Karen's singularity, I am disposing of old roles, behaviours and expectations and allowing a truer version of "self" to emerge. That self is definitely more female than male. Allowed to flourish [which is why it isn't] that self would probably dispense with the male behaviours completely.

[cindychan]

I hear what your saying. With me it's like each side has needs that really wouldn't work out with each other. Sometimes the angst from it brings out yet another ( Darker) side in me. Occasionally I wonder If being a CD is heaven or hell....

[suchacutie]

Welcome to my world, as the saying goes. I feel very fortunate that I started understanding about the "Tina" within me late in life, and did it completely with my wife as co-conspiritor! Since we knew nothing except that she saw a feminine side emotionally and physically, we became intrigued with "who is she, this feminine person within".

That started us down the road of separation. We wanted to know about the "she" without "contamination" from the "he". For us it mostly works. We've come to the conclusion that we share a body and a mind, but we use them very differently. We've read about the phisiological issues of brain development and the more than X vs. Y chromosomes, the fact that mixing the two is different proportions does happen. So:

Is it as simple as: some have matching internal and external genders....some have opposite internal and external genders...and some (like those filling this thread) have one external gender but a mix of chromosomes that generated a link to both genders in the brain. From my perspective I fall into the latter category. Now that I've met Tina, I can't imagine putting her "back into the bottle!"

Tina!!!

[MandyLee]

I like many others struggle with this the tug of war mandy has been wining a lot lately and that sends my male side in to panic mode LOL Its hard when there both kind of nuts LOL

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

Based on another recent thread I have to preface this by saying I'm not pushing my choices on others but simply sharing my own experience.

For me, the "Duality" was always the worst part of being closeted and also what drove me to stop trying to pass. I didn't like feeling like I was compartmentalizing part of myself off in this other persona. I wanted to be a whole person and so my guy and "Girl" sides merged to make a guy who is somewhat girly.

[Noemi]

After reading all these excellent responses. I am realizing that duality exists in the closet, obvious to some but not so much to me where I am at.

[VanessaVW]

I'm cool with the term. Sometimes both sides fight with each other, but in the endgame, if pushed for one direction, the other will fight back. I would love to be a pretty girl, and I swear I'd take it to the next level and go full time or doing HRT , but giving up my guy self would kill me. Nor am I prepared for the external reaction (that being the outside world of famly/friends/employer). I'm not sure if anyone here wrestles with this kind of thing.

I feel the same way you do. (Sounds as if many of us do.....)