OMG what am I going to do now

[Jamie Parks]

I know this isnt the right place to post this but I am looking for a bit of advise here, I just went and threw a huge monkey wrench into the fragile gears of my life. For the past 10 years I have been with a great woman she loves me and I love her back but...before i was with her I was with the true love of my life, but in our youth we just wernt honest with eachother about our feelings I dont know if it was pride or fear or what but after years of dating we split up and became very close friends but when I got together with, I will call her "D" I cut all ties with, I will call her "A".
There are several reasons me and A never got back together but one of the biggest was she really didnt approve of my dressing and I knew that D was going to be ok with it and i do love D but not nearly as much as I love A. Now the plot thickens... a couple of years ago I found out that A had gotten married so i figured, that was that, I had made the right choice but in the years that followed I figured out that D said she didnt mind me dressing but I think she just was sayin that to get with me, she has never stopped me from dressing and she helped me buy things but was not happy about me wanting to be or acting female. I can see everytime I am dressed around her she is very distant and sometimes I can see the disappointment on her face. Back in Feb A found me on F/B and wrote me a letter saying that she hopes I am doing well and that she would like to hear from me. Now for the real problem A is the only person in the world that D doesnt want me talking to it might have something to do with the fact that in my 20's I would brake up with one then hook up with the other and back and forth. I never cheated on either of them but I did go back and forth like 20 times. Well the other nite I finally decided I was going to send A a email asking how she was (inocent intentions) but very quickly the conversations turned into us talking about the old times and the truth finally came out, neither of us (me and A) are happy in our current relationships and that neither of us ever stopped loving each other so what the hell am I going to do now I do love D enough that I dont want to hurt her but I am sure I will be much happier with A and she finally admitted that her not liking my dressing was not really the case, she just didnt like the fact that i was more girly than her and she felt threatend by that but nearly 2 decades later she is more mature and can admit she really liked me dressing and the problem she had when we were younger was hers, not a problem with me. So that leaves me in quite a position I can stay where I am and be unhappy and not break D's heart or I can throw everything away and go for real love like I had when I was with A and destroy D in the process. I dont want to hurt anyone and I know I am the only person who can make this decision but I really dont know what to do, if you could just give me your opinions I would really appreciate it.

Confused
Jamie Parks

[Jeanna]

Ask yourself "what is my first instinct?" It's always right. It would be unfair to stay with D, you are unhappy with D and she knows it because she can feel it. If you have true love for A, you will never be able to forget her and be happy with D.
You should follow your heart any other way will lead to sorrow.

Jeanna

[Gerrijerry]

It sounds to me like you never grew up. So now a woman who didn't want you. says basicly she is not happy and wants you back. Of course forget that your wife who loves you has supported your crossdressing is going to be flung to the side because you want to play house with someone else. After 20 years hey what is in your head? Come to think of it if your wife ever finds out about this you will be out in the street lose everything you both worked for for twenty years and what ever family you now have. All for a fling with a woman who is now saying it is ok you can dress as a woman with me now also. Since I no longer want the husband I have. Sorry to get angry about this but there are so few wives who would ever accept a CD and love them for twenty years.

[Hope]

So that leaves me in quite a position I can stay where I am and be unhappy and not break D's heart or I can throw everything away and go for real love like I had when I was with A and destroy D in the process. I dont want to hurt anyone and I know I am the only person who can make this decision but I really dont know what to do, if you could just give me your opinions I would really appreciate it.

Why is this question always raised like this? "I can be unhappy in my primary relationship, or I can destroy my primary relationship and be happy?" Bah. There are always more options than that.

Look, the grass is not actually greener on the other side of this 3 way relationship you have built. You know that because you keep flipping back and forth, never happy with the side you were on. If "A" was really the wonderful life fulfilling person you think she is, you wouldn't have broken up with her like 20 times. If "D" was what was making you unhappy ,you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

I am going to suggest you not do either of the things you are thinking of. My suggestion is that you do one of the following: 1) Put some energy into your relationship with "D," make that the life-affirming loving relationship that it once was. Obviously that relationship has been neglected, but I would bet that it is not completely dead yet. OR 2) break up with BOTH of these women, and let them get on with their own lives without your interference. I would bet that these girls deserve to not be jerked around like this. Because what you are really doing is leading them both on. In either case, you need to break off your communication with "A," for your benefit, and for hers. In any case, I hope that you can get in to see a therapist and see if you can resolve the issues in your marriage, and the issues surrounding your inability to be happy with a primary partner, regardless of who that partner happens to be.

[CharleneT]

Why is this question always raised like this? "I can be unhappy in my primary relationship, or I can destroy my primary relationship and be happy?" Bah. There are always more options than that.

Look, the grass is not actually greener on the other side of this 3 way relationship you have built. You know that because you keep flipping back and forth, never happy with the side you were on. If "A" was really the wonderful life fulfilling person you think she is, you wouldn't have broken up with her like 20 times. If "D" was what was making you unhappy ,you wouldn't have married her in the first place.

I am going to suggest you not do either of the things you are thinking of. My suggestion is that you do one of the following: 1) Put some energy into your relationship with "D," make that the life-affirming loving relationship that it once was. Obviously that relationship has been neglected, but I would bet that it is not completely dead yet. OR 2) break up with BOTH of these women, and let them get on with their own lives without your interference. I would bet that these girls deserve to not be jerked around like this. Because what you are really doing is leading them both on. In either case, you need to break off your communication with "A," for your benefit, and for hers. In any case, I hope that you can get in to see a therapist and see if you can resolve the issues in your marriage, and the issues surrounding your inability to be happy with a primary partner, regardless of who that partner happens to be.

:iagree: !!

[Traci Elizabeth]

Every time I read something like this I just want to puke.

Grow up already!

So out of the blue "A" (a girlfriend you bounced back & forth with 20 TIMES) after a divorce wants you back 20 plus years later....

All your rebounding seems like a basketball game I once watched.

Hell, I am not going to continue this.... it's not worth the effort!

You know what... you and "A" deserve each other!

One day when it is too late in your life you will realize the insanity of your "it's all about me" mentality!

[trappedNhere]

Since you asked for input I'm gonna give you mine. Please don't take offense but this is from one who is the third wheel currently. And yes, I'm working on my situation too. I'm not gonna suggest anything that I'm not already doing or saking to be done I'm my relationship too

1). Stop all communication with A. Its not approprate, especially since you know how your wife feels about this person.
2) Communicate with yourself. Find out what it is that's important to you. What do you want out of life, not WHO.
3) Determine what were the flaws in both of these relationships. Way too often we are quick to blame the other person. However, I feel that most of problems we have are of our own doing
4) Fix those personal issues. Without this you are doomed to repeate all of the patterns.
5) Thank ypur wife for everything she has done for you and is doing for you. And I mean every detail, not a blanket, L thank you for our life".
6). Come clean with your wife about what's wrong with you first. Then what's wrong with the relationship. And finally that you have begun communicating with A. After all its her life too and she deserves to have the right to choose if she wishes to even try to repair the damage. Understan that she does not owe you forgivness, and quite possibly may NEVER give that to you
7). Committ to not resume any communication with A until and only until you have ended the relationship with your wife AND have "fixed" you!!

Best of luck. You have my prayers

[Andy66]

Ever hear the expression "you can never go home again"? Yeah, things will never be the way you remember them from twenty years ago. You could be setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. I hate to see stuff like this happen.

[Hephaestus]

Option C! the girl who accepts you totally. I was caught in this trap before, with two ladies that didn't really accept me, going back and forth trying to see if one would be marginally better... finally walked away from both and found better.

Good luck no matter what you do! :]

[donnalee]

It's pretty obvious to me that you're being told what you want to hear, or,at least, believe you are, by both women. Wishful thinking can be nice for a daydream, but is not a good reason for making this kind of choice,

[Stephenie S]

I gotta say I agree with Hope on this one. I think she nailed it 100%.

You need to put some effort into finding out who YOU really are and neither of these women is helping at all.

BTW, very few women like their guys to crossdress. Period. So don't be surprised when your gal seems withdrawn and moody when you "dress". Be thankful when you find one who is tolerant but try to avoid shoving her face in it. Even when she accepts it, you can be fairly certain she doesn't like it.

S

[BRANDYJ]

I just feel real bad for D. No, you don't love her in my opinion. You held on until something better came along. And it sure as hell ain't A. So go ahead, leave D for A but don't expect to come crying back when bounce #21 hits you square in the face. D deserves so much better.

[LeannL]

Please think of the words you recited when you were married, that is, your marriage vows. Is your word not worth anything? You made a promise to D. This is not just about you. If D were to want to end your marriage then you can discuss it but it should not be driven by the fact that A MAY be interested in you again. You need to straighten out that backbone and live with the decisions you have made.

[MarinaKirax]

I can't imagine that 'D' is the last woman you will leave. You will leave 'A', or she will leave you. Look back at your own life; heck, your life with THIS SAME woman. Partners are not something to chase and throw away like shiny pennies, girl. Give a little. Rediscover what's exciting about "D".

[cara]

You didn't mention whether you have any kids. If not, what have you got to loose? I reconnected with my childhood sweetheart and I'm happier than ever, but we were both single and healed from our last relationships first. Sounds like d could be happier with someone else who's more mentally focused on her. Relationships don't have to last for ever,
sometimes we grow in and out of them.
Cara

[Melody Moore]

I personally feel that he doesn't deserve either of them because as someone else said he cant really love his wife to be feeling this way about someone else, and also because he hasnt been honest with either of them, but most of all he hasnt been completely honest with himself. The way I see this is that he put himself in this situation and only has himself to blame. I did something similar in my mid-twenties, but in my case there was not 2 but 3 women involved. In the end I lost all 3 of them and felt very hurt & rejected, but I grew up really fast and realised that I was being very selfish & self-centred & only had myself to blame. I have never done anything like that ever again.