Do you have to tell everything in a relationship [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

TV2010

10-19-2010, 12:25 PM

Ok, so here it goes: I have been with my girlfriend for 6,5 years, and just in the last couple of years started to accept myself as a transvestite.

The thing I wonder about, is if you can have secrets about your crossdressing in a relationship, or do I have to tell her about it all.

You see, she knows about it. I have told her a few times when I have dressed up, feeling guilty for doing something I shouldn't have done. When we first met 6 years ago, I told her that I used to dress up as a girl in my childhood, and early teens, but that I didn't that anymore. And it was a fact at the time, because i had surpressed my needs for so many years.

The problem is that when I met her, I have had big mental problems, and she helped me through a rather tough time in my life, escpecially helping me get rid of people with bad influence in my life, and helped me build up my self confidence. Because of her, I have gone from a guy that lived on welfare, and at my mothers house, to a university degree and soon to be father. I feel that I own her everything. You can say, that if I didn't had met her, I would never had accepted myself as a transvestite.

But, and here is the big issue: Since she don't like my crossdressing, she thinks it is a part of my earlier compulsive behavior. That I have to dress up because of that. Because she have showed so little acceptancy of this side of me, I don't want to involve her in my dressing up, even though she knows that I do it from time to time. I have promised many times to quit trannying, but I can't.

I really have no need to dress up in front of her either, so it is a topic we don't speak about other than when she discover things like make up on the pillow and things like that.

The big problem now, is that I have met other transvestites for friendship and dress up together. I told her once, about a year ago that i planned to meet another TV, and she got mad and told me she would have dumped me if I did something like that, because she considered that cheating, although I never would have cheated on her.

But in the last months I have met other TVs in my area, went out shopping and partying. I had the best time when we were out. People were so nice to us, treated us like girls, and I just can't wait for the next time it will happen. Because my girlfriend often work at the weekends, I have much time to be a girl:). I don't have many friends as a guy either, so I feel really good about that people wanting to know the girly me. I haven't been so happy since I first fell in love with my girlfriend.

But since she have been so negative about me meeting other transvestites, I didn't dare to tell her about it, and had to come up with excuses if she asked what i did last weekend when she worked. Told her about a party at work, but I hate lying to her. But since things are like they are now, i see no other solution.

If I told her the truth, I'm afraid one of these two things would happen:

1. She tell me not to meet those other transvestites again, and I lose a friendship with people who understands me. The only people who I can talk to about this side of me, and accepting it.

2. Or worse, she leaves me because I have gone behind her back and met other TVs when she told me she would hate it.

So, do I have to tell her about this? I'm risking either way to lose people in my life who really means much to me. I think that telling her about it all will make things worse.

Need some seriously advices:)

Sandra

10-19-2010, 12:29 PM

GGs response here

If you don't come clean and tell all and she finds out, can you imagine what would happen then?

Kelly DeWinter

10-19-2010, 12:35 PM

Read though some of the other threads here, see how others have told their spouses, and the reactins the recieved. Part of the healing of SOME mental issues are a resul of accepting who you are and learning to live within some reasonable boundries within your family life. It takes time to adjust and it sound like you and your SO have overcome some major hurdles in life. Be open and honest, keep communicating. Ask her to read some of the wives and spouses posts here. or join the FAB section. Living is about relationships and how you can overcome what life throws at you. You will do well.

Kelly

pernille d

10-19-2010, 12:36 PM

20+years in the closset. And just busted this year, 20 years of problems ,hiding, lieing and uptightness, I am not saying it's easy as it's not but save yourself the years and live those years so tell her now ,

I don't know your partner but if she has done to you what she says she sounds like someone that really cares about you so I think she will stick by you

Holly

10-19-2010, 12:42 PM

Sandra is right., Besides, can you imagine the resentment that will build up inside you if you feel your GF is keeping you from seeing friends and others with whom you relate. Your best shot is to be honest with her. Acknowlefge the help she has been to you and that her continied help is appreciated. Hopefully that same insight she had when she was helping you through other issues in your life will be present as the twio of you, togethet, work out this latest turn in your lives. Best wishes.

NicoleScott

10-19-2010, 01:08 PM

Forum history tells me that you're going to get a lot of posts telling you that you cannot have secrets from her. I'm all for honesty, when it serves the good of the relationship, and when the recipient of the disclosures handles it appropriately. You suggested 2 outcomes if you tell her. Neither sound very good, for you anyway. Do you think she has drawn a line in the sand, for you to not cross? Maybe there are more than 2 outcomes. Maybe there can be a negotiated middle ground. Here are some thoughts:
1) if you can't quit crossdressing, quit promising.
2) try to get her to understand that crossdressing is not related to past compulsive behavior.
3) dispel her fears about meeting other cd's. Most guys get together with other guys for common interests. Cars, sports, poker. You and your friends interest is crossdressing, and it's important to you to have a group of friends with mutual understanding that you cannot get from others. Re-assure her that these meetings are social events, and it's not cheating. Invite her to come along. Even if she delines, it shows her that you have nothing to hide.
So what if none of this helps? How important is meeting with other cd's? Can you come to some mutually accepted rules, like dressing alone? Can you live with that? Can she?
I am a believer that there are times when Don't Ask Don't Tell may be the best solution, when the SO is not being reasonable, unwilling to negotiate terms, and when it is a better solution than breaking up.
Finally, there are women who cannot tolerate her man's crossdressing. It's a pure deal-breaker. If she is one, you are doomed. If she isn't, there is hope for a solution. Find out by asking.

Tracy X Cruz

10-19-2010, 01:23 PM

Let me try to give slightly different advice from what has already been stated.

Keeping secrets intentionally from your SO leads to bad situations... Letting her know what is going on and agreeing to not talk about it unless she asks is completely different.

I say this because you may in fact have the opportunity for middle ground when you do talk to her. When/if you let her know that the crossdressing isn't part of your problems from before and you also want to have time with your friends you may have the oppertunity to split that part of your life apart. You should make sure she feels welcome to talk to you about it or to go out with your friends if she wants but you would like to keep being able to see them even if she does not and that it would be ok to keep that part of your life separate from your life with her if she wants.

I am lucky I have a SO who is really understanding about me being trans... but I am also a freelance artist... and I am commissioned to do very "Adult" things very often, she wants to have NOTHING to do with that and that part of my life is an agreed upon secret. She knows I am doing something, but she doesn't ask and I don't tell. Relationships are about understanding and openness but don't necessarily mean you have to share every single thing you do. The main thing about a relationship "I think" is TRUST my GF trusts me, and I trust her.

Vickie_CDTV

10-19-2010, 01:48 PM

One big question no one has asked... is this woman the mother of your unborn child? THAT would be a deal changer.

MiamiMarie

10-19-2010, 02:29 PM

Another GG here....

I am glad this woman has been so helpful in your development, but both you and she need to come with the terms that you are still developing. You are trying to become the best version of yourself, and you happen to be a CDer. This will not go away as a compulsive habit and she needs to be educated on that fact. Now if you are suggesting that for the rest of your long life you hide your activities and friendships from her because she helped you out for 6.5 years, then I think the price is too high - not to mention impossible as I can't imagine she won't find out somehow sooner or later.

Don't make promises you can't keep, don't try to stop your CDing, cherish your great CDing friendships (they are hard to come by), and gently try to let your girl know the truth about CDing. If she cannot handle your life, your plutonic friendships, or who you really are, then you may have to consider if you two are really right for each other.

Do you know the comedian George Lopez? That guy's wife gave him her kidney and literally saved his life, and they announced their divorce last month. While George expressed his eternal gratitude, and she is still happy she did it, they both recognize they are not right for each other and would be happier apart as friends. What I am trying to say is, don't suppress who you are because you feel obligated over past support. I know the possiblity of a break up is devastating, but so too is trying to lead a double life and lying every day to the one you love the most.

Trying to do that nearly destroyed my husband before he finally came clean. I knew there was something causing him great stress in his life, I just never new the cause. Now that he's open and can share his life with me, everything is MUCH better. Honesty can be damaging, but so is hiding, even if your secret is miraculously kept forever.

Briana90802

10-19-2010, 02:32 PM

I'm sure that in the course of your studies you've come across something called Maslow's theory. It would seem to apply here in your situation. Simply stated you needed to take care of those other problems in your life before taking care of self realization of the soul. Your basic needs must be met before personal needs can be met.

Look the theory up and I'm sure you'll understand what I'm taking about. In addition I believe that if you explain this to her she be(somewhat) rational about it.

tricia_uktv

10-19-2010, 02:34 PM

I think you need to tell her all - but not all at once. Tell her slowly, the easiest bits first and give that time to be considered. It will take a while but taking your time will help you both,

I'm sure

KlaireLarnia

10-19-2010, 03:17 PM

I belive you CAN have secrets in a relationship - it just depends on what and how well you handle it. I have things about my life my wife has NO IDEA about and to be blunt, she never will. They are things I need to take to my grave and only then will I hope to have peace from them. They are nothing serious or crime related, just things in my past (and I am going back 20 years here) I am not proud of or happy with but I know will serve no use to my wife other than to make her angry and upset at me.

She also does not know I have ventured out in female clothes, though she does know I take some away on business trips she thinks it is purely for wearing in my hotel room. Does she need to know this? No. Am I going to tell her? No. Why? Because it will serve to do nothing but agrovate her and lower her opinions of me which are not great at times already for other unrealated reasons.

My thought to you would be this:

If there is a CHANCE you could be caught out, do not hide or lie. IF you are staying relatively local, do not mislead her. All you need is someone she knows to reconise you or think they saw you and you are in deep do do.

If there is like a million to one chance of being seen by someone she knows - i.e you are doing this a far way from home. I would keep it quite for now, but if it becomes regular then reconsider. The occasional trip you can bluff. Each weekend you cannot.

Remember the risks for choosing the wrong option are to loose her. If you think the risks are worth gambling on, do so. If not, play safe and tell her what you WANT to do (and not that you have done it already) and ask if she would have a problem. If she says yes then do not do it or see if a compromise can be reached. This may lead to an amicable solution.

minalost

10-19-2010, 04:24 PM

Fact: when (not if) you get caught you will be in more trouble for lying than the actual crossdressing.

Fact: SOME (for emphasis: but not all) SOs simply can not deal with CDing and if this is the case she WILL leave you. Is your SO one of these people? Find out before she finds out…

In a perfect world total honesty would be the best policy. BUT, this isn’t a perfect world and I believe that we all need to make decisions regarding the disclosure of CD activity based on our own individual situations. You just have to be ready to deal with the fallout if you decide wrong.
:hugs:

KarenCDFL

10-19-2010, 04:32 PM

I would say yes, you need to tell her and be honest.

As we all know, the end result of doing this can be anything from "Great honey! Lets share all of our stuff" to "get the hell out of my life".

The big issue here is:

1) Can you live with a secret like this till the day you die and not go insane?
2) Can you deal if you lose what may be your wife and possibly kids.

There just does not seem to be any middle ground. If you try to compromise with your SO, you still feel that you are giving part of yourself up just to stay in the relationship and the end result is even more resentment.

There does not seem to be any answer to this other than the need to tell your SO all about it before you get married and have kids. After the fact usually ends up in loss.

I told my wife before we married and it all worked out over time. I personally knew that I could not hide the fact that when I would tell her that I loved her dress, I really loved her dress!

Boy that was a babble.

vikki smith

10-19-2010, 07:55 PM

As a gg i have to say u have to be honest with her. Being open and honest with her is the main thing. She sounds like she loves you. If u keep lying to her then u risk losing her. To me if my SO hadnt been open with me then i would always wonder if she was being honest with and telling me everything. Me knowing has brought us closer together than I could ever imagine.

Tara1967

10-19-2010, 09:40 PM

well I guess your GF is really just an aquantance that you like somewhat. We all know what people like and what they don't like and I was with you for a moment, but then you imply that you are confused..................becasue of her objection to you dating other people somewhat like you, similar to you, etc. And now you imply that you are somewhat confused to her behavior. My next thought is I really do wish that there was just 2 or 3 lines under all members avatars,, #1 age, #2 either GG, Tg, TS, CD, Gm, etc. So I'd have an idea of who and what I'm dealing with. I mean if I were to write a parable here, I would ask all my sisters here to tell me what's wrong with my wife? She's only caught me with another person in a motel having sex just 24 times, what's wrong with her, I could ask.?? But this op implies that we should think something is wrong with her GF of 5 or 6 years, all for the very minute simple reason that the op has only had sex with just so many other TV's like him and his GF just doesn't understand. Now I will probaly get attacked for my response here, but I can't side with the op on this one, I mean Damn , and oh yeah, I'm wrong again, .....................Tara

docrobbysherry

10-19-2010, 10:16 PM

Here's something for u to think about, TV:

If CDing is IMPORTANT to u and u give it up for her, u may begin to dislike yourself and resent her! And, if YOU'RE unhappy she will be, TOO!

If u find that CDing is PART of who u r, u will want to do it with or without her permission or knowledge!

Here's my question for u:

If CDing IS part of who u r, does this woman LOVE the real, complete u? If so, u two may be able to come up with a workable compromise! If not, your relationship will probably not last anyway!

GirlyGirl66

10-19-2010, 10:30 PM

The best thing you can do is be honest. Need honesty to have a strong relationship. I held my dressing from my wife for over 5 years. When I finally came out to her she was very upset I did not tell her upfront. She took time to start accepting but always wondered what else I had held back from her. So best to let her know

eluuzion

10-20-2010, 12:43 AM

..."Ground Control to TV2010...can ya' hear me Major Tom...?"

“I told her once, about a year ago that i planned to meet another TV, and she got mad and told me she would have dumped me if I did something like that, because she considered that cheating, although I never would have cheated on her.” (additional text was posted)

“But in the last months I have met other TVs in my area, went out shopping and partying.” (additional text was posted)

“But since she have been so negative about me meeting other transvestites, I didn't dare to tell her about it, and had to come up with excuses if she asked what i did last weekend when she worked. Told her about a party at work, but I hate lying to her. But since things are like they are now, i see no other solution.” (additional text was posted).

I have re-posted selective lines of your statements. Here is my brief personal interpretation of the sequence of recent events…

1) She specifically advised you that planning to meet with another TV is something she considers to cheating in your relationship, and the action is serious enough for her to end the relationship.

2) You made the decision to deceive your wife, proceeded with meeting other Tvs and then concealed it.

3) Then you lied to your wife about your activities outside of the relationship. You implied that this is the “solution” (lying to your wife) that you plan to use to resolve this “problem”.

4) It appears that you are planning to repeat the behavior, at the first opportunity that surfaces.

Just comments, no advice. One option might be to look in the mirror and realize that you have defined the character of the person looking back at you. You have the option of continuing to confirm it or change it, based on what you do next. The immediate decision is very simple. Do nothing or do something.

I can only judge myself, not others. I’ll still sleep in late tomorrow, put on my little black dress and 5” pumps, and have blueberry waffles before I hit the sundeck, as usual.

Good luck,
:love:

Patty B.

10-20-2010, 02:45 AM

MiamiMarie has a good post for this issue and you also need to be honest in your relationship with yourself and your gf. I thought I could take this to my grave and never tell, but didnt turn out that way. Good luck and best wishes whichever road you choose. Set her free, if she returns it was meant to be and if not, it wasnt meant to be.

RobynP

10-20-2010, 02:57 AM

...but I hate lying to her. But since things are like they are now, i see no other solution.

Can't see any other solution or don't want to see any other soulution??? You hate lying to her but it sounds like you hate being honest even worse...

If I told her the truth, I'm afraid one of these two things would happen:

1. She tell me not to meet those other transvestites again, and I lose a friendship with people who understands me. The only people who I can talk to about this side of me, and accepting it.

2. Or worse, she leaves me because I have gone behind her back and met other TVs when she told me she would hate it.

So, do I have to tell her about this? I'm risking either way to lose people in my life who really means much to me. I think that telling her about it all will make things worse.

Need some seriously advices:)

Okay, so what exactly is the TRUTH? Honestly, is she your #1 prioirity in your life? Or is she your #4 priority in your life? (up from #9 last week...) Or is meeting others who "accept you for who you are" your #1 priority? You may be lying to your GF but whatever you do, do NOT lie to yourself. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you will never be honest with anyone else.

So you think telling her will make things worse? Worse for who? You? Her? Your "relationship? Your TV friends? If she and your relationship with her are your #1 priority, this means that you may have to sacrifice #2 to #99 priorities. This means that you WANT to sacrifice #2 to #99 priorities for your #1. If you both are #1 in each other's life, then you two will find a mutually acceptable way to deal with this. It may take some time to get there and it may be quite difficult at times... but both of you have to be VERY clear where you are and where you want to be in each other's life now and in the future.

(I found out that as I continued to lie to my wife, I found lying to her becoming easier and easier over time. I slowly realized that my lying somehow started to spread to other areas of my life as I was deceiving other people in my life over both big and little things... Often, I wasn't lying because I had to but because it became a part of my nature... Truth and honesty in relationships became meaningless to me. Has it been worth it???)

Robyn

Michelle1056

10-20-2010, 06:56 AM

I'm a very firm believer in coming clean. That said, though, I'm not in a serious relationship (or any relationship at the moment) and when I do get in one, I usually will bring it up when we play 20 questions. 20 questions alawys starts off being nice and calm. "What kinds of movies do you like?" "What kind of music do you listen to?" "Do you put the ketchup in your bun before the hotdog or after?" "Have you ever gotten to the top of the escalator and then fallen down the stairs for like...a half hour straight?" (HATE when that happens!) Then as time goes on (often in the same conversation) things start heating up and I find a way to weave the crossdressing in there. I feel that it's better that they know what they're getting into before they get too deep. Often then same old questions arise (Are you gay?, Do you want to become a woman? Do you prefer McDoubles or McChickens?), but if she isn't going to accept me as a crossdresser, then there's little chance we'll havea relationship that really works. After all, I'm a crossdresser. I enjoy it. It's not a light switch I can just turn on or off at will or permanently. I go months sometimes between crossdressing, but I still come back to it. It's just what I do. I'm also an artist and I enjoy the artfom known as crossdressing where I'm a canvas and the makeup, lipstick, nail polish, shaving, wig, clothes, etc. is my medium. So, if they're going to ever be able to fully accept me, they need to also be able to accept my crossdressing. If I hide that, I possibly deny them the privledge of really getting to truly know the real me. So, I try really hard to be very real when I get into a new relationship. it's awkward, but you never know...she might like it! One of my exes was turned on by it and we used to go clothes shopping toether! This is a joy I would have never experienced if Id just waited until she wasn't around or until we'd broken up to dress again. I hope this helps!

Michelle

BRANDYJ

10-20-2010, 07:26 AM

I could not and would not live in a relationship with a woman I could not be 100% open and honest with. I just don't like secrets between myself and the lady I love. I honestly don't know how some of us can do it...and for years of hiding and deception. I understand many of the reasons and am not judging anyone. I just know I could not do it.

AKAMichelle

10-20-2010, 09:36 AM

No if you like having a cloud over your relationship. But if you want a great relationship then secrets are a no-no.

TV2010

10-20-2010, 12:25 PM

Ok, I guess I have to be open with her, but right now she is pregnant, and I don't want to upset her to much. I am afraid she is going to lose the child in a spontanious abortion or somthing if I tell her now. I'm going to tell her, but maybe after the birth of the child...

As I said, she knows about the crossdressing. But can't I tell her that I'm going out partying with some buddies? Do I have to tell that we are doing it as girls?

And someone asked if she was my biggest priority. Yes she is, but my crossdressing friends is also important to me. And I don't want to lose either. As I am afraid that i will do if I tell her about them...

I have tried to talk about my crossdressing earlier, but I can't explain why I have this need. And because of that, the topic is being dropped...

2B Natasha

10-20-2010, 12:34 PM

Huh?! If your cd friends can't understand that you have a pregnant SO and you need to spend as much time as possible with her. THEN YOU NEED NEW FRIEMDS!

She and that child are priority number 1. No question.

TV2010

10-20-2010, 12:49 PM

Of course they understand. That is not the issue here. I am meeting my CD friends only when my girlfriend are at work or something like that. But as I said. I'm afraid that my girlfriend will forbid me from seeing my TV friends if I tell her about them

ReineD

10-20-2010, 01:00 PM

You can't help who you are, and by not telling her you are only delaying the inevitable. She will find out eventually and the longer you wait, the harder it will be for everyone. But until this is resolved, until your gf knows the truth about your desires, you need to stop going out and partying behind her back.

Shelly67

10-20-2010, 01:31 PM

I agree. Whats so important about having to delude the lady just because of a party...?
I gotta ask , in view of this is there MORE than just a party atmosphere going on here ??
I mean - sorry to be blunt , but to risk it all over just going out doesn't weigh up to me .
If it is innocent , then perhaps she toowould have the same questions in mind - " just what is he getting up to with his friends ?"
Lifes gonna change for you right now , you are now in a position of responsibility and that surely must come first . However if you wish to continue , then the only advice I think is correct is to sit down and calmly inform her of the crossdressing . Remember , in time to come she'll need you to be her tower of strength and I think only in a relasionship ( even if there has been a conflict of interests and arguments ) where an infant is concerned then that surely must be paramount . Partnership . It did after all take two to tango didn't it ??

TV2010

10-20-2010, 03:08 PM

OK, I understand what you are saying, but it has nothing to do with the partying. It is about the possibillity to express this side of me along with others who is like me

Shelly67

10-20-2010, 03:21 PM

OK, I understand what you are saying, but it has nothing to do with the partying. It is about the possibillity to express this side of me along with others who is like me

OK , then surely you have answeared yourself ?
The gravity of the issue is that once the infant is born I'll bet the last thing you'll wanna do is party or expressing in any manner . The change in reality becoming a parent is like a tidal wave - it sweeps all aside .
BUT - it seems after some thought perhaps youre partner is fearful of the situation that could develope , scared of losing you ?? Its totally understandable . Maybe greater more gentle constructive heart to heart is needed to strengthen commitment ??
There is no easy answear .......
Good luck

ReineD

10-20-2010, 05:27 PM

OK, I understand what you are saying, but it has nothing to do with the partying. It is about the possibillity to express this side of me along with others who is like me

I understand how difficult this is for you and I do empathize. But if not expressing yourself is hard now, how will it be after the baby is born? What about in 5 or 10 years from now? I really do think it's best to be honest now and deal with the outcome, before your lives together become even more enmeshed with parenting and finantial matters. It can only get worse if you do delay it.

Besides .. you said your gf thinks this part of you is a throwback to your older, wilder days. What if she educated herself about gender issues, and realized that it is as much a part of you as the color of your eyes? Might she not be able to realize that you can't deny yourself the expression of who you are?

If it's just the parties or nightlife she objects to, you can join TG support groups where wives & gfs are welcome. I mean, you can CD by doing regular everyday things and meeting people this way, rather than limit it to nightclubs and such.

CalamityJane

10-20-2010, 06:09 PM

Considering that your SO is about to have a child it does raise the question as to how you expect to carry on your furtive activity of attending parties and nightclubs when she will soon be stuck at home giving 24 hour care and support to the child because for the first few months the baby will be very demanding and your SO will need all the support that you can give her and even though you may find it a tough call your family should come first.

I also am pondering the question as to what sort of advice it is that you are seeking from asking this question? and after reading the various replies will any of them have an influence upon what you choose to do or have you already made that choice?

Undoubtedly you feel that you have a difficult and trying time ahead of you, and you most probably do, but life is seldom easy. Given time and effort on your part by talking to your SO you might be able to quell the fears that she has regarding your crossdressing but don't expect it to happen over night, just find out what her comfort level is and build from there

sallyjones

10-20-2010, 06:28 PM

i would simply tell her that you dont want to hang out wwith other people and that you would rather spend all your time with her. tell her that you still dress and take baby steps. she will probably be pissed at first and this is normal. if she really loves you there might be a time when you can go out dressed with her. it is so much better when your SO is ok with it. just remember baby steps. halloween is right around the corner good icebreaker.

Michelle1056

10-20-2010, 07:01 PM

I have to say that Reine is right on this one. She makes a good argument about the open and honest portion of crossdressing and at the same time, if her only real objection is to the parties and night clubs...I'm going to be blunt, but she's pregnant and you have a kid on the way. It's not really going to be a reality to go to these functions in the future without leaving her alone with the baby so you can go party dressed as a chick. This will only make her angry and resentful towards any of your crossdressing. Just like if you drank 3 beers a night while playing video games, she would probably relate the beer and the video games to the moment in which she lost her husband for all intents and purposes even though three beers wouldn't faze you and there was probably a big enough a problem in the first place between you and her. It's avoidance behavior except that this is avoiding someone while in the same room. The beer and video games (in that case) is just what's going to get the blame...same here. If you're leaving her all the time alone with the baby or you're too tired to watch the baby when you are home because you've been out all day partying, she's going to relate it to the cross dressing and you're going to drive a major wedge between you two. Definitely come clean and make sure she's cool with you going to party with your friends. BUT...once in a while, tell them no and take her out to dinner or do something with her so she doesn't grow tired of always being left alone. I hope this doesn't sound rude or obnoxious, but think of how it would feel from her stand point. Hope this helps!

Michelle

sometimes_miss

10-21-2010, 07:40 AM

TV2010

10-22-2010, 05:54 AM

Ok, I have to go to work, but here's a quick reply.

It seems that people don't understand that me meeting other TVs just as friends, has nothing to do with the partying and stuff like thet. We have done other things too, like watching a movie or going out shopping. It's NOT about the clubbing. I just want friends who share my intertest for crossdressing. Is it so hard to understand?

And of course, I totally understand that when the child is born, I get less time going out with CD friends. But me being a CD, doesen't delude me from being a good father and spouse. As I told before. I ONLY dress up when she my girlfriend is at work. When she's having the baby, the child and her will have all my attention, and I am kind of hurt that people here think otherwise:(

Tina B.

10-22-2010, 09:20 AM

TV, it sounds like you have made up your mind already, and are looking for people to agree with you. It doesn't work that way, most of us have been there in one way or another, and the stories about what happens when she learns of the deception goes to divorce, and battles over visitation of the kids, to wifes that are Angy for years, and the marriage becomes a real ordeal for all involved. Some get away with it for years and don't get caught. But the risk is always there. It sounds like you don't feel you have a good way out of all of this, so it really boils down to just what you can live with. Guilt about lying, fear of being caught in a lie, or suppress who you are for as long as you can, none of those sound all that good to me, but in the end it is your choice, not ours. Me I knew I could not live with out dressing, and I chose to tell all, and except the risk of what it would cause, I got luck and found I had a very understanding spouse, but I know not everyone is so lucky, but it is so much easier when you don't have to lie, and sneak, and hid who you are from someone you live with.
Tina B.

maggiecdva

10-22-2010, 09:30 AM

I know how difficult it is to share everything. But you have been with your GF for this long and I think you owe here the truth. It's better for you to bring it up and discuss it rather than her discovering something you have been hiding.

If this was just a casual friendship you know the sort of thing where you maybe go to a movie now and then or grab a bite to eat than I wouldn't see a need to share unless you wanted to. However, this sounds like it's a more serious relationship where honesty is needed and expected from both you and her.

Good luck - maggie

Emily Ann Brown

10-22-2010, 12:02 PM

I am not the one to ask about tell or not to tell...I lost a 37 year partner by being honest with caught. But I can say I am very happy I told my current squeeze on the first date. No lies, no worry! And no guilt.

Em

TxKimberly

10-22-2010, 12:51 PM

Honestly, I'm on the fence as to what you are obligated to tell a girlfriend, even a long term one. There is no question in my mind though that a woman deserves to be told before she agrees to marry you though.

Helen 2

10-22-2010, 01:34 PM

Well, my $.02 is that at the very least, you do need to share your cross-dressing desires with her. She may not be accepting enough to want to spend time with you while you are en femme, but at the very least, you can reach an understanding of her boundaries.

My wife knows about Helen since before we married....almost 30 years now. She saw me dressed once (well, twice if you include a Halloween party) and made it clear she does not want to see me en femme again. But, she's okay with me dressing while she is away in a 'dont ask, dont tell' arrangement. She knows I dress and go out, but I never mention it and she never asks. It's an arrangement that has worked for us for long, long time and while maybe not the perfect one for either of us, it's a mutually acceptable one.

Babeba

10-22-2010, 02:57 PM

TV,

Whew! That's a bit of a situation. I happen to think that she needs to know that you are dressing, and that she needs to know it's healthy. You don't have to tell every little detail, but at the very least you should not be lying to her.

I think it's important to look at it from what may be your girlfriend's point of view. She helped you through some tough times, and she loves you. You're the father of her baby and it sounds like you're living together - so she depends on you emotionally, physically and probably to some extent financially as well (and will even more so once the baby is born). If I were in that situation I would be pretty worried about signs that my partner were slipping back into that old lifestyle and becoming undependable. You told her in the past that you have felt guilty about it, and you promise to stop. She finds out by looking at your pillow and seeing makeup on it that you've broken that promise.

First off, get a better makeup remover as there's no need to wreck pillows.

Second off, she will find out about all of it eventually. She doesn't sound stupid or blind and eventually she'll figure it out. Would you rather it was now, or twenty years from now with that much more of your life spent sneaking around, lying, and feeling resentful about having to hide who and what you are?

Third, if this isn't sliding back to the behaviour you had before and which she is so afraid of, you need to show that to her. You know her better than any of us do, so you should know what sort of thing she might listen to and understand. Probably the most important thing is your own behaviour, and how you act about this. If you continue to lie to her and sneak out behind her back to do things she's asked you not to do, it's THAT which will cause trouble in your relationship - not your clothing choices. On the other hand, if you prepare yourself I think you should be able to convince her that this isn't that same sort of behaviour which she is afraid of.

To do that, she needs to know that it's normal for you, and that you can cross dress without slipping into nasty habits like lying. I know it's important to have people to support you, but it's also important to not deceive someone who loves you so much. Is there any way that you and your TV friends can be there for each other without you dressing up to meet them? If the answer is yes, then I think you can build support for yourself that will really help with talking to your girlfriend and working out with her something that you both can live with in regards to the dressing. If the answer is no, are they truly your friends or simply people who happen to share a same favourite pastime? Is it worth wrecking the most important relationship in your life for that?

JulieK1980

10-22-2010, 03:01 PM

Nobody on this forum can give you an honest 100% answer. The person you need to ask is your girlfriend IMO. (I'm aware that may be counterintuitive because it involves telling her) But if you hope to have a successful future with her, you should be up front and honest with her. Talk, and communicate! At the very least the two of you can come up with a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.

TV2010

10-22-2010, 04:02 PM

First of all. The people who are juding me because I am afraid of the consecuenses of telling my GF about it all, don't have to write anything. I came here for advice, not to be told what a bad person I am.

As I wrote in the first post. I HAVE told her, and she don't seems willing to accept the fact that I'm dressing. We can talk about it for a couple of hours, she gets mad at me, and I am telling her I am sorry for doing this, but that I can't control it. She knows about it, but don't want to discuss it. So, there is a mutual understanding between us. She probably knows I am dressing, but we don't talk about it. The only thing she don't know about is me meeting other CDs for friends. I am going to tell her this, but I don't know when, how or what I should tell her...

KellyCD

10-22-2010, 08:30 PM

It is my belief that if you are in a relationship then nothing is kept secret. How can you truley say you know and love someone if you really don't?

But sadly it seems like people my age(and ESPECIALLY people younger than me) don't think the same way. Apparently it's normal to not tell the other about important things like sleeping with other people, etc. But I guess I'm just old fashioned.

ReineD

10-22-2010, 11:05 PM

Kelly, the OP made it clear he's not sleeping around. He finds himself in the difficult position of wanting to CD with a non-accepting gf.

TV2010, the people in this forum are only trying to point out to you that not telling your gf the truth will result in having issues down the road. You just can't keep something like this under wraps. Even if you are great at leaving no evidence, she will feel the disconnect just in reading your body language. And the more you hide, the more she will become convinced that there IS something to hide. This will be much worse than if you are strong from the onset, and simply tell her that you are a crossdresser and it is not going away.

At first I thought her issue might have been more with the partying or meeting other CDs, since this is what you indicated in your first posts. But, if you've already tried to talk to her and she's still not willing to listen, you might consider joint counseling. Many CDs in the forum have gone to therapists with their SOs, and even if the SOs don't walk away fully embracing the concept, at least they can be brought to understand that it is a real need and not a perversion, or whatever they might think it might be.

Read the OP's journey in this thread:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?138958-Considering-Counseling

Also, you might like to read these resources. The first is about how to talk to partners, and the second describes why a partner might be hot & cold about the CDing.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t

The impression I get from your posts is that you gf feels threatened by your interactions with other CDs/TSs. Is this correct? Would she be more OK with the CDing if she new that you CD at home only?

If she doesn't like the idea of you meeting others, maybe she feels insecure about certain aspects of your intimacy together. Sorry to be so blunt, but is everything OK in the bedroom between you two? Or does your gf have past cause to be jealous about anything? I'm not judging you here, just trying to figure out why she feels insecure. Or is she naturally a jealous person?

I want to say that it's not uncommon for GGs at first to feel there is a sexual component with the CDing ... google it, and you'll see many hook-up CD sites. Also, look at the pics that are posted. A GG will look at pics of CDs posing in lingerie or sexy clothing, for example, and think they do this to attract other men.

Back to the topic of meeting others: I think your first step would be to try to get your gf to believe that you simply need to express yourself, alone or with her. Then if she at least begins to acknowledge your needs, you can join a TG support group where wives & gfs are also welcomed and ask your gf to join you. She'll be able to see that it's not all about hooking up with other CDs.

But all of this will take time. I hope you have the patience for it. All the other CDs here will tell you that rushing things doesn't produce good results.

Patty B.

10-23-2010, 02:40 AM

Follow Reine's advice, its the best as always.

KellyCD

10-23-2010, 07:11 AM

Kelly, the OP made it clear he's not sleeping around. He finds himself in the difficult position of wanting to CD with a non-accepting gf.
.

I know, I did not mean to make it seem like he was. My point is so many people nowadays don't feel like it's important to tell really anything in a "relationship"(which some people my age and younger have NO CLUE what that word means). After talking with many of my "friends", things like making out with someone else, giving oral sex and to most sleeping with someone else is "no big deal" and they dont have to tell their SO about it. And these were all GG's that were telling me this....

My so to be Ex-wife explained it(when she told me about some of the guys she slept with during our marriage) as "it didn't involve you, so I didn't have to tell you"......words can not express how pissed off I am at everyone I see around me nowadays. To put it simply, I HATE everyone and EVERYTHING now.