Coping once your 'bell' has gone off

[Kokoro]

Sorry for the cliche title, I couldn't think of a better way to word it.

This past couple of weeks the urge to transition, the urge to start living and presenting as female has been so incredibly powerful I'm almost at the point I could cry. I'm doing my best to keep my thoughts under control but I must admit that some of the darker variety are beginning to creep into my head. I'd never act on them, I don't have the guts to, but that's the level of despair I'm reaching.

I'm seeing my therapist again in 2 weeks and I'll be going for my preliminary psychological assessment before being referred to the gender clinic which would then take up to 18 weeks until my initial appointment with them. So I've got a bit of a wait. I'd like to ask those who have been in the same position, waiting to be seen by doctors and professors but with an unquenchable urge to be female/male, how they coped in the in-between time.

I have taken some steps to feminize myself such as growing my hair long and keeping tabs on my weight but there is little past that that I can do. I'm not out to my parents (who I presently live with) nor anyone at my college so I cannot do anything too drastic to myself. Shaving is a no-go as well since I have so much hair in so many places people would notice instantly though at this point I'm about ready to say 'f*ck it' and just do it anyway and not really care what my parents think or say about it.

Any advice would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

[Katesback]

Well you have two choices to make. One is to actually transition and the other is to maintain the current presentation to the world. I can only suggest you ACTUALLY make a decision and find happiness in it.

[Rhonda Jean]

If they'd notice now, it'll be just as noticable after you go to the doctor. If this mole hill is scary, wait 'till you see the mountain. And no, I haven't been in this particular situation, that is unless I've been in the in-between time for 40 years. I've seen that mountain, though. It's a humdinger!

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Kokoro,

I can fully sympathise about the wait. I've seen my GP 3 times and have been positively assessed by the psychiatrist but seem to be no nearer getting that elusive appointment at the GIC. Still, at least you have the visit to your therapist to look forward to.

If your bell has gone off, then would it not be a good idea to sit down with your parents and explain to them what is happening to you? I definitely would not recommend you take the path of not caring about what your parents think or say. They will find out sooner or later and you will have a better prospect of acceptance if they know before it happens.

You will also need to talk to someone at college to prepare them for the fact that you will be becoming your true self. It is best to work with people to manage the situation in advance, then they can support you when the time comes.

It seems to me that you already know some things you could be doing. Since you intend to transition, what is the problem if someone notices you have shaved your legs or your arms? If you are worried that it will be a "give-away", you need to ask yourself what are you worried about giving away? Besides, some cisgendered men also shave arms and legs for aesthetic or sporting reasons (David Beckham anyone?).

Another thing you can do in advance is to begin voice training. Who is going to flip at you doing vocal exercises in the privacy of your bedroom?

[Frances]

You can start permanent hair removal. You do not need an approval for that. I started laser and electrolysis way before HRT and SRS approval. Canada and the UK have similar medical care public systems. The wait for anything is crazy long. I felt more in control of my transition once I started laser. It took almost 5 years to loose the hair anyway (laser and electrolysis), so starting early was a good idea. No one at work ever noticed my hair removal while I was doing it.

[abigailf]

Rianna gives some good advice.

If transitioning is your goal, then you will eventually have to let people know. You're parents are a good starting point. Ask your therapist if they know a good approach or if it is a good time.

I have been presenting more feminine in my male mode and nobody has said anything yet. I had laser done on my face, shave everything, grew my hair long, I wear headbands and colorful bows when its in a ponytail. My nails are long and always polished clear. Even my mannerisms have become more fem. People tend to see what they want and probably wont say "Hey, you shaved your arms, you must be a crossdresser." It is more likely they will ask why you did it. I always answer that I think it looks cleaner. I made these changes over time and not all at once. People got used to seeing me one way before I introduced another change. I think that helped a bit too.

I am not ready to tell people, only my wife and therapist know both of me. However, if anyone asks me outright, I probably won't deny it.

Good luck

[Faith_G]

I "coped" by beginning my transition and living as a woman outside of work.

[Kokoro]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I'm not at the stage, emotionally or psychologically where I can 'come out' to my parents. I'm also fearful of what will happen if I were to. I'm a very reclusive person and around 80% of my social interaction is with them and if they were to cut me off that would have pretty serious consequences. The whole thing is pretty complicated, but since I had a breakdown when I was 16 I've become extremely reliant on my parents for most things. Though I doubt it would ever come down to it, there is always the possibility they would throw me out house. I can financially support myself but I don't think I could cope having to transition by myself. Basically I need their support for me to transition - but transitioning may lose me their love and support.

I intended to come out around May of next year since I will be starting University in September and it's from that point I want to start with a 'clean slate' so to speak, living as a female with everyone I meet only knowing me as a girl and I certainly don't intend to begin transitioning at college. I'd be living away from my parents so it would be less strain on them if they were to take things badly, and I wouldn't be alone all the time as I would have roommates and friends at University to look to for support.

I will talk to my therapist the next time I see her and see what she thinks about coming out, but I think she would agree that it is just a bit too soon, especially since I'm being treated for other conditions at present as well i.e. social phobia and depression. If things did turn out well, it would help me immensely but if they turned out bad... I don't like to think about what might happen then.

I'm toying with the idea of shaving. With my level of body hair it would have to be a full body wax though, shaving my arms and legs would just be the tip of the iceberg and finding a willing salon in my area that will do men will be a problem. I also don't want to do anything permanent to myself such as electrolysis/laser hair removal just yet as I want to be 100% sure before I commit, though I guess that is never really possible.

Sorry, I know I'm making excuses for what people have suggested, but I'm the kind of person who needs to be told by someone else that it's ok to do something. It's a habit my therapist is trying to help me kick and I understand that to transition it will be me having the final say on whether this is right for me or not.

[Aprilrain]

If you really have a strong need or desire to be fem shaving can go a long way toward bringing your body more inline with your self image. There is nothing permanent about shaving and it is a way bigger deal to you than any one else. I have only had one person ask me about my legs and when I told him I shaved them he said he thought about doing it to! I doubt any one would notice at all. My wife did not notice for two weeks that I had trimmed the hair on my arms. You probably don't want to shave your arms anyway as very few GGs do. Just trim them short. Laser takes many sessions so the ultimate effect would be gradual in theory however you need to shave before you go to the appointment also it is not 100% permanent hair removal it's supposedly 80-90%. I start mine next month. Good luck

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hiya! You are thinking very logically...that is so important...you do have time but i do have a couple of thoughts for you..

you said..
"Basically I need their support for me to transition - but transitioning may lose me their love and support."
do you see the incredible irony in this statement??? it sums up our catch22.....what good is their support if it is conditional...well the answer to that is that financially its a good thing to have support regardless of other things, but emotionally its hurting you and will likely hurt you more over time....

so your analysis to wait until you get out is a good one...one thing you need to consider is that you are not just gonna put on a wig and head to school as a woman...transition is physical and mental...it takes time...you were kind of conflicted when you said you wanted folks to only know you as a woman in college but that you werent going to transition....what did you mean by that??

finally, getting rid of hair is so important, and i think every one of us will tell you that it helps ALOT in making us feel more outwardly female..