Making promises

[Being Paige]

Ok, a few years back my SO caught me dressed outside at night. I used to go to a local bar for a few drinks and chat with other cder's and tg's. I ended up making a promise to her that I would keep my dressing indoors. There was no way that I could ever keep that promise, i feel so trapped when I have to be indoors! So now I am back going out as much as I can, at least once a week during the day which there is a greater chance of being seen then when I went out at night. I am at the point where I'm not scared of being seen, only of my SO finding out:eek: Anyway I can't believe that I made that promise to begin with knowing there would be no way to keep it. any one else been down this road?

Paige

[AKAMichelle]

sounds like you need to have a talk. Without the talk you will have to continue sneaking around and eventually you will be caught and then what will happen

[Karren H]

Awwww... My wife never asked me to quit and I never volunteered. It was her that actually based on the research she did that told me I couldn't quit if I wanted too... She was correct but she is still not a big fan of my hobby. So I spend my time trying to keep it out of her face which is almost as bad as sneaking around.. Just as much work for sure!!

[juno]

I can't lie to my wife. I just assume that if I lie, she will read me like a book, which is usually true. I don't lie by omission, either. That is one key to being married for 26 years so far. In general, it is OK to have a few minor secrets, but it is always bad to keep major secrets. On day, she will find out, and you will have to face dishonesty and lost trust in addition to facing crossdressing.

[sissystephanie]

When you make promises like that, you should expect to have to keep them!! If you didn't expect to keep them, then you lied to your wife or SO!! That is certainly not a good way to have a relationship. I told my wife I was a CD before we married. She accepted me "as is" and we set a few rules that both of us could live with. Our marriage lasted almost 50 years before cancer took her!! I never had any secrets concerning my crossdressing during all that time. Marriage is a two way street, and both parties must participate equally. If they don't the relationship will not last!!!

[linda allen]

Ok, a few years back my SO caught me dressed outside at night. I used to go to a local bar for a few drinks and chat with other cder's and tg's. I ended up making a promise to her that I would keep my dressing indoors. There was no way that I could ever keep that promise, i feel so trapped when I have to be indoors! So now I am back going out as much as I can, at least once a week during the day which there is a greater chance of being seen then when I went out at night. I am at the point where I'm not scared of being seen, only of my SO finding out:eek: Anyway I can't believe that I made that promise to begin with knowing there would be no way to keep it. any one else been down this road?

Paige

You have gotten past me in that your SO knows that you dress and apparently accepts it. You made a promise but now you are finding it impossible to keep the promise.

I suggest that you sit down with her and renegotiate. Tell her you really need to go outside. I don't think I would tell her that you are already breaking the promise.

You don't say if your SO is a wife or if there are children involved, but if not, you may want to reconsider the relationship, depending on your need to be "free".

[kimdl93]

Paige, While I agree that promises are meant to be kept, people change, situations change and sometimes we make promises that we shouldn't. You've made a promise you no longer can keep. You need to have that conversation with your SO before she finds out another way. Be honest - tell her that you feel trapped, unhappy and can no longer live with this restriction.

[Daenna Paz]

I spend my time trying to keep it out of her face which is almost as bad as sneaking around.. Just as much work for sure!!


This is sooo true!! ;^)

[docrobbysherry]

After you're separated or divorced from your wife, u can do all the CDing u LIKE!:D

And, I believe if u stay on your present path, THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE HEADED!:sad:

[jenni_xx]

When you say that you promised your SO that you would keep it indoors, it's not clear whether she is accepting or not. Is she happy for you to dress indoors in her company? Or does she want you to dress only when you're indoors on your own?

I think the reason for her not wanting you to do out is because she feels (rightly or wrongly, but nevertheless understandably) that you are putting yourself in danger, or perhaps at risk of being seen by people who know you. Her concern stemming from the fact that she clearly cares for you. Let's consider for a moment that something did happen (that you were put in danger/hurt, or found out), she'd not only have to deal with that, but also deal with you lying to her and breaking your promise. If these are indeed her concerns, then you need to chat to her, explain your need to go out, and assure her that nothing bad will ever happen to you as a result of doing so.

Whatever her concerns may or may not be, I would suggest that you talk with her nonetheless. Hear her out and address and reassure her in reply. Your honesty need not extent to telling her that you actually have been out, but rather that you want to go out. To reassure her, on the premise that she is accepting of course, you could perhaps suggest that you both go to the places together to show her that she need not worry. I do feel that a level of compromise is needed though - that is, for example you could perhaps agree to only go out every once in a while (and not every time you simply desire to do so) - that way, she is more likely to be senstive to your needs as she clearly wants you to be sensitive to hers.

All the best
Jenni x

[Alice B]

I'm pretty much in the same boat as Karren, but I am able to go out to a local TG bar once or twice a month. With my wife's blessing. The key is to have an open discussion with your SO to let her know your needs and listen to hers.

[Sandra]

There was no way that I could ever keep that promise, Anyway I can't believe that I made that promise to begin with knowing there would be no way to keep it.
Paige

So WTF didn't you tell her that you couldn't keep that promise. As an SO I would rather know right from the star instead of being lied to which is basically what you have done...and to go out behind her back IMHO is down right disgusting.

Balls it up and talk to her again tell her how you are feeling and stop the bloody lying to her :Angry3:

[Presh GG]

If you were my husband , I would be broken hearted.

Could you at least look into joining a tg social club [ and invite her with you ] where you're not in the neighborhood bar a couple days a week. [ I'm assumeing she's at work ?]
You are sure to be found out and garanteed your wife will be the saddest women alive.. because you are dishonest with her. Do you want to do this with your wife?

Presh GG

[linda allen]

Being Paige,

I thought about your post last night and I have to add this:

Your wife may not be comfortable with you going to bars and clubs without her. Bars and clubs (and alcohol) tend to revolve around sex. I would not feel comfortable with my wife going to bars alone on a regular basis. Or even with girlfriends.

Another concern for her - Someone she knows might recognize you. "I saw your husband out in drag the other night" is not something most women want to hear from their friends or co-workers.

Somehow, you need to resolve this with her. Sneaking out can only cause problems..

[Being Paige]

Well I can really understand where you all are coming form. I know that 99% of my guilt evolves around this!
My SO is my wife and we have been married for over twenty years! I have two daughters who both know that I dress. When it comes to Paige my wife has NO comprimise.
I would love to go to a Tg support group with her, I would almost be sure the answer would be no, I cannot see that we would evrer have our marriage end because of this, I know that I cannot keep sneaking around and lying about it. Yes I could get caught but the guilt of hiding my cding will probably kill me first. She has told me that "I can talk to her about anything, I should after all these years be able to trust her as she does me! I just wish she was more accepting of Paige to give me the sense of peace to talk to her.

[kimdl93]

If she's said you can talk to her about anything, then I'd talk with her again about your CDing...not necessarily with a goal in mind. Just to talk about what it means to you, what you've learned about yourself and others, what styles you like...anything to make the conversation more routine. If you can have those conversations it may help lower the levels of resistance a little.

[Aimee20]

Man up. Put the skirt on and talk to her lol. Grab a bottle or two of red wine and really hash things out because its obvious you do not want to hurt her by sneaking around but you are also an adult capable of making decisions. Now the tricky thing is to be able to get in to that conversation and make it out without it turning in to a fight, red wine usually helps. It is really just helper her to understand that Paige is just as much a part of who you are as your male self it (for a lot of us our femme personality carrying over to everyday life is what makes us great husbands/fathers/boyfriends because we are much softer and more compassionate than your average guy).

Hiding something most generally never ends well and a heart to heart conversation will relieve a ton of pressure from both you and your wife.

GL Paige.