Close to going out for the first time in years

[ClaireT]

I'm not sure what the purpose of this thread is besides reminding myself in days to come that this was the point where I resolved to start being myself to the outside world again for the first time in years.

I've spent most of the last year dressed fulltime but I've chickened out when it came to going outside (easy when you're not working, but it's not exactly real life). Today I dug out my wigs and make-up and decided that it's high time I inflicted myself upon the world.

Initial impressions in the mirror suggest that I've not got a clue about make-up but a visit to Boots ought to resolve that (I intend to do this en-femme). It's going to take a while to get used to wearing a wig again but out of my four wigs I've settled on one that's a rough apporoximation of passable. Why on earth did I let myself be persuaded that the other three suited me (wig saleswomen can be very persuasive and flattering, if not wholly honest)?

Soooo, maybe not today, but in the next couple of days it'll happen, Claire will go outside for the first time in over ten years and probably for the first time in daylight. If I don't do this a) I'll be a wuss and b) I'll probably burst a vital organ. If I'm honest, I've had enough of worrying about other people's views and it's time to be me.

I know I'll never be passable, I'm too big and too masculine, but all I really want is not to be laughed at whilst being myself. I'm sure that some of you will understand that.

Claire.

Edit -

Well my resolve to inflict myself on the outside world was stronger than I thought. I've just had a 20 minute walk around the block, the first time outide en-femme in a long time. Yes, it's the middle of the night, but small steps first. I must get better fitting boots but it felt, well, it felt natural, it felt ME, but my feet hurt.

[AllieSF]

Yep, that first step is the hardest, and now that you have done it, look out world. Congratulations on the re-baptism. May you enjoy your new found freedom. Re: makeup - just remember that less is best. Good luck and keep on truckin!

[ClaireT]

Thanks Allie, re eye make-up, I've never over-done it, but I'm far from being confident that I've done my best. I've had another walk and I'm now confident that the outside world's not going to stop me tomorrow (must get another pair of boots that don't crucify me though). Why on earth have I waited so long?

Claire

[tricia_uktv]

Yay, well done Claire. Next stop the Mall in daylight!

Try Evans for shoes,

Hugs,

Trish

[AKAMichelle]

Thanks for the warning that you are going to inflict yourself on the world. Now we can prepare for the end of the world. :D

I don't pass and probably never will but I still go out. So have fun

[linda allen]

............. Soooo, maybe not today, but in the next couple of days it'll happen, Claire will go outside for the first time in over ten years and probably for the first time in daylight. ............

So what made you stop ten years ago?

[ClaireT]

Linda, I stopped dressing for a while during a relationship. I had little opportunity to dress and I thought (wrongly) that I could kick the habit. When the relationship ended I found that I no longer had the confidence to go outside dressed. I'd also reached a high point in my career and felt that I had too much to lose from being recognised.

[Karren H]

- just remember that less is best.

Nooooo. Done properly... More is mo better!! :)

[t-girlxsophie]

it's time to be me.

I know I'll never be passable, I'm too big and too masculine, but all I really want is not to be laughed at whilst being myself. I'm sure that some of you will understand that.


I for one can understand that Claire,I dont pass but if I go out I make sure I do my best to look as good as I can,most ppl dont even give you a seconds thought as they get on with their busy lifes and that certainly gives you a big lift.Congratulations on getting back out again,hope you have a lot more trips out,in your new boots :)

:hugs:Sophie

[ClaireT]

I'm almost glad that's over. I've read many accounts of people feeling liberated by the experience of going out in public but ti wasn't that way for me. I opted to take an early morning trip to the supermarket, it wasn't busy at 6am and I had few encounters and used the self-checkout to avoid the close scrutiny of standing at the checkout and having to talk. I know this was a bit of a wimp-out but it's early days and I need to take this in manageable steps.

It was dark when I left home and even though there was hardly anyone around those first few steps from the car to the supermarket were a real test of my resolve. It would have been so easy to turn around and retreat back home, the closer I came to the bright lights of the entrance the more scared I was. But I did it, I went inside. I had to calm myself from rushing around and getting out quickly because that wouldn't have achieved anything. I hadn't planned on buying much, I wanted to walk around the store to guage how well I could cope when people saw me. In this respect I wasn't at all happy or comfortable, the few people who saw me made it quite obvious that they'd clocked me straight away and one man "innocently" popped up at the end of each aisle I entered and passed me too many times for it to be a coincidence. The smirk on his face said it all and dented my confidence a great deal. I stuck it out, got what I needed and then left.

I wish I felt better about this but it was a mix of sheer discomfort and feeling terrified. This took the shine off carrying out out a simple task dressed as myself.

I doubt I'm the first to have her initial enthusiasm dampened, how did the rest of you cope with similar experiences?

[jessica renee]

Good for you for getting out and being yourself. I will say that it gets easier the more times you do it, and your confidence level will also increase.

Amazingly, the first time I went out I really didn't have very many problems. There have been a couple of times when at restaurants I have gotten some odd looks and reactions, but I just didn't let them bother me. Otherwise, I have found that as long as you behave yourself, most people don't care what you are wearing.

[thechic]

First step is the hardest,It took me ages before i went out in public,but i started going out at first at night,then to deserted places at the day time but found it was better going to crowed places you dont stick out so much and its safier.i thought people would stair,and make fun of me but nothing happined after doing about 10 time it became easer.now go out most weekends enfemm .the key is not to stand out just bleand with the crowd
its so much better shopping and trying on close from stores than online.its such a relief to be yourself.

[linda allen]

Linda, I stopped dressing for a while during a relationship. I had little opportunity to dress and I thought (wrongly) that I could kick the habit. When the relationship ended I found that I no longer had the confidence to go outside dressed. I'd also reached a high point in my career and felt that I had too much to lose from being recognised.

I understand, especially about the career. That might have gotten me fired. Also, my "other" career puts me in the public eye. Can't risk that either.

The best plan might be to drive to another town an hour or more away.

[ClaireT]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Linda, my career's over for the time being so that's no longer a risk. I don't think I'm going to let this morning's discomfort put me off but it's taught me that I feel a great deal more vulnerable about this than I thought I'd be. I'd love to be able to have the bravado to say that other people's opinions and ignorance don't worry me but that's just not the case. I've spent most of my life being in control of everything around me and not worrying about winning other's respect but this is an entirely different situation. I'm not really in control and as I realised this morning, the mere sight of me causes unwanted fascination and derision. I don't think that's going to change over time, I think that all I can hope for is that I start to care less about it.

Claire