To the MtF's: Any tips over here?

[Cynthia GG]

Over in the Transmasculine forum, they have a sticky thread of “Tips on dating transmen.” It made me wonder if y’all have any “Tips for dating MtF CDers.”

What would be the “do’s” and “don’t’s”? (I’m thinking particularly of cases where your date knows about the CDing.)

What faux pas have your past dates made? What good moves have they made? (I'm interested in answers from any MtF CDers, straight, gay or bisexual.)

(If such a thread already exists somewhere at the site, please direct me to it.)

[sherri]

I haven't had the good fortune to date a GG (yet), so my laundry list might not be all that useful for you cuz most of it applies to men behaving badly. :-)

To a GG, I think I would offer these suggestions:

Believe me, I understand that it takes courage to date a TG person in public. There's no point in pretending otherwise. But you just have to put your game face on, be frank and confident about your interest, and let the world think what it will.
Don't over-analyze or worry about protocol too much. Just let us be ourselves together and see where the chemistry takes us.
Hopefully, my gender expression would be a source of interest and attraction for both of us, but I would hope it wouldn't be the only focus when we're together.
I guess some CDers are just role-playing, which is fine, but I am genuinely a feminine-oriented person, inside and out. So please, no masculine pronouns!
Don't be afraid to play an assertive role. I for one would like that. As an example, it's really nice when a GG at the club asks me to dance and then leads on the dance floor. That assertion can extend to lots of things, including the bedroom. But if and when you need me to take the reins, just say so.
Your help and guidance in feminine expression is more than welcome if offered in a loving way. But don't be offended or defensive if I reciprocate.
Understand that I am a very sensual creature, and that sensuality is heightened by feminine expression (mine and yours).

Does this help?

[Cynthia GG]

Does this help?

Yes, thank you. I like the part about not worrying too much about protocol. Ever since I've been at this site, I've been worried about protocol, but all my worry hasn't stopped me from saying insensitive or foolish things and not realizing it 'til after the fact. I guess in romance and in friendship, forgiveness may sometimes be required.

It helps for me to learn more from a CDers point of view. Thanks for all the insights.

[Jennifer Girl]

Pretty much everything that Sherri said was right on the money.

I would like to add - don't assume that I'm gay just because I wear a skirt. That is the only "don't" that I have to offer you (based upon extensive personal experience). I only date GGs, and thus far I've had to hide my CD'ing from all of them because they assume that crossdressing equals being gay and/or wanting to become a woman (i.e. sex reassignment surgery). I'm currently dating a really nice, cute GG that I would LOVE to come out to and tell her about my crossdressing, but I know her well enough to know that she wouldn't be accepting. So I know that the relationship is destined to end, like all of my relationships before. And on and on it goes. I'm caught in a vicious cycle of getting close to a GG, then distancing myself from them once I learn that they have less than positive views about CD'ing. Then I move on to the next GG and the cycle starts all over again. Someday I hope I'll find the right GG. I haven't given up. :)

Also, like Sherri mentioned, don't make CD'ing the only focus of interest when you're together. I climb mountains, run races, make my own wine, have an interesting job, and am a HUGE roller derby fan. I have many more dimensions to my personality than just being a crossdresser.

So I guess that my only pieces of advice are to be accepting, and to understand that we have other aspects to our personalities besides just wanting to look pretty…but since you're on this site, I assume that you probably already know that! :)

[Rhonda Jean]

Hi Cynthia,
If you're talking about just a date or two, I have no idea. If you're talking about a sustainable relationship, I have a little better idea, but it's still a juggling act to find balance. Just so I don't step on any toes, and for simplicity sake, I'll speak only for myself.

I've done this for virtually my whole life. I'm 52. Over the course of all that time I've become pretty comfortable, within a fluid range, with what I need, what I want, where I can go, and the people who I'm comfortable with seeing me enfemme. All of those things get challenged when I'm with an accepting GG, yet I find those things to be pretty well established at this point, and they're likely to remain fairly static. I may push the envelope, but I still want to remain inside the envelope. I'm not full time, and I'm not TS, and neither of those are my ultimate goal. I seem to default to, "I just can't" when questioned as to why I can't flat iron my hair for work, or wear big flashy earrings to the local WalMart, or wear nailpolish to my parent's house, etc.. I have a very definite comfort zone, and I've lived within a particular structure for a long time. From the outside it probably looks pretty undefined, but I've been working on it for 52 years, and to me it's structured.

I had a recent lengthy thread that dealt with some of the "real life" stuff. I won't rehash that on here. If you read it, I know it made me sound schitzophrenic. I'm not. Just trying to describe two SIDES of my personality, not a split personality like it sounds.

You're a special and unique person for even coming here and asking this question. There are a lot of people on here who'll give very thoughtful answers. You'll find that despite our jobvious similarities, we are a quite a varied group. As varied as any other group. If you take the time to get to know us, you will probably be able to answer your own question better than any of us can in a single post. Good luck!

[Tima]

It made me wonder if y’all have any “Tips for dating MtF CDers.”
What would be the “do’s” and “don’t’s”? (I’m thinking particularly of cases where your date knows about the CDing.)
What faux pas have your past dates made? What good moves have they made? (I'm interested in answers from any MtF CDers, straight, gay or bisexual.)

I would just say don’t bring it up. Of course, I may dress a certain way to hint at it, or be more obvious about it, but it all depends on the circumstances. In my case, my overt effeminacy is the attraction, not the presentation, and I seek those who like this type of male. I feel most at ease with shy boys who can “come out” themselves by simply being with me. If I can make them feel special, I’m pleased. Often, the crossdressing isn’t an issue, since any boyfriend I get is in the same position as I am, meaning we are on the periphery of society. In this case, any date I have is pre-approved. I can’t think of any faux pas that have been committed in my presence. I’m tuned-in to anyone I’m with, aware of their feelings, and compassionate to a fault.

[Pythos]

Here some others.

1) Do not limit us, in ways you would not like to be limited. I read so many accounts of MtoF partners limiting the CDing to the bedroom, or out of site of the kids, and so on. What if the male part of the equation said you can't look a certain way outside the house (I am not talking about lingerie and such :)

2) I cannot over state this. STOP thinking we are gay or wanting to transition. I know there are those that are gay, and or want to transition, but I can safetly say, I don't. The only thing that would change my mind on this is if a law was made forbidding men from having any femininity as part of themselves.

3) Compliment, and accept compliments. I love to give compliments to women on their choice of clothing or style. But it seems lately too many women think I am just hitting on them. This is not the case, I just like how they look (and depending on the outfit, trying to figure a way it can be worn in an androgynous manner :). I love to have a female tell me how sexi, or attractive I am, especially when dressed how I like.

4) DON'T be afraid of asking questions. I have encountered too many instances of "politeness" where the person wants to ask a question but doesn't and therefore come up with most likely the wrong conclusion.

5) communicate. Like there is anything to this, yet too many relationships get fatally damaged by a failure of communications.

6) Please, please, drop the want of chivalry. I know this is hard, but I think most CDers realize the fallacy of these outdated notions. No I do not want you walking behind me at all times, No I will not walk on the outer part of the curb at all times, I would like the door held open for me sometimes by the one that I love. In short at least in my eyes women are fully capable of taking care of themselves and should be with a man (or MtoF) only because they want to, not because in order to survive they have to.

7) Share the attention: I hear all too often about how the woman is supposed to be the center of attention. The man should never out shine the woman. This to me is backwards thinking. Why not strive to shine equally (of course near impossible, but why not try?)

8) If there is a wedding day, please drop the idea it is the "brides" day. The first time I heard this notion I was saddened. Why is it only the "bride's" day. I thought it was the union of two people that loved one another. Not one over the other.


LOL, looking at this laundry list, and looking at what the world mostly wants, it is no wonder I am single ;)

[Kate Simmons]

I can only answer with regard to myself and I would say just to be yourself Hon.:)

[Babette]

OK, here is a reply from someone who hasn't started a new relationship in decades (i.e. married for a long time). I would give this advice to anyone to anyone regardless of dating/gender situation.
- First and foremost, be yourself. The best relationships are developed under the full transparency of each other's personalities. Don't be afraid to show who you really are and in time, strive to learn about your partner.
- Never enter a relationship believing you can change the other person. Change will always happen on its own.
- Never assume that neither you or your partner will ever change any of their ways. We all change over time.
- Respect your partner and expect the same in return from them.
- Learn as much about the ways of trans-gendered people as possible. Our lifestyles are generally not understood by the majority of people due to so much misinformation and prejudice. Don't rely on one source for information because much of it is simply opinions and not proven fact.
- Never assume trans-gendered people are creepy or weirdos. We have feeling just like everyone else and generally lead productive lives.

I'm sure there is more that others can add.

Hope this helps you Cynthia.

Babette

[Fab Karen]

short-cut answer, you know how women like to be treated on a date, with that in mind you probably won't go wrong. :)

[MJ]

do have fun relax be yourself
be respectful
Talk, talk, talk get to know each other
let him know upfront who and what you are
make sure he knows your terms for any type of sex no misunderstanding
if you get lucky always ware protection no glove no love

Dry panties is a sure sign of a wasted date

[juno]

A common problem for all men is not wanting to talk about feelings, or not fully understanding their own feelings. This seems to apply to most MtF women as well. In particular, many have spent much of their life hiding their feelings. Communication is valuable, but try to let them set the pace.