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Lisa Scott
09-08-2005, 12:40 PM
I have been thinking alot over the last few days, and wondered if anyone might be thinking along similar lines to me on one particular subject...

Is it possible to confuse really being transsexual and genuinely believing you are female inside, with the fantasy of loving women so much you want to be female..if that makes any sense...

I was talking last nite with my electrolgist, and she said there are very clear lines...you are either transsexual or you arent,... and if you are then nothing in your life will stop you becoming a female because it is the single most important thing in your life...

I always thought I was transsexual because I have that softer side, am envious of women in general and their open unrepressed lifestyle, and liked the thought of being female, but with no apparent sexual drive or fantasy involved...but could I be wrong..

There is someone in my life that is more important than being female full time, which in my electrologists view means I cant be transsexual....or at least not in the trueist definition....does that mean Im actually a crossdresser that has a fantasy to be female, or that Im a transsexual that has found a way to be happy enough in a male role, that I only need to be externally female occasionally to feel like a complete person...In much the same way that many females only get dressed up and wear makeup for a nite out or special occasion....

If you are happy the way you are, and the way your life is, then do you have to outwardly express your feminine side by wearing female clothes and makeup to make you happier... Is it possible to believe that inside you are female, and be happy at that, without doing something (dressing in female role full time) that might cause the loss of friends, family, job, home etc...afterall most of the women I know only wear makeup because society says they should, and they are more comfortable in jeans, t-shirt and trainers than anything the local gender clinic would have us wear to prove we are female....

Am I missing the point, or just going slightly mad....

Lisa x

Tristen Cox
09-08-2005, 12:52 PM
I tend to not believe doctors interpretations of things, especially when they say some thing like there's only one certain way you can be this or that. Bull. We're all individuals. Each of us is a little different. They should encompass a wider spectrum in diagnosing us, or maybe it's just him. I'd get another opinion, and then a third to compare and be sure before you let one person tell you what you are or are not. ;)

ChristineRenee
09-08-2005, 01:03 PM
I think along those lines often Lisa. I 'm on HRT but I have never had any desire to fully transition. I don't believe that I am TS because I don't feel that I am totally a female trapped in a man's body...but a true composite of both. My female side internally tends to dominate, but my outward male side serves a very important function for me...largely...as a protector for the female side of me...Chrissie. While I enjoy dressing tremendously as it fully brings Chrissie out...I am always Chrissie in my mind and eyes. I do not HAVE to dress to bring out or experience my feminine side. I would say that I have feminine feelings and emotions coupled with male brain wiring...yet another reason why I would never transition. There is still far too much man here and "killing" that part of me off would cause far more problems than it could ever hope to solve. I have had to come to grips in my life with these realities...1. I was not born a GG and will never...ever...be one...2. While I am a genetic male...particularly on the outside to the general public...I am predominately female internally though I have male brain wiring, female emotions, feelings, and sexuality...and sexual interests only in genetic females. I have learned...over a great deal of time in my life...to understand, accept, and finally...to embrace the person that I truly am. As an end result...my self-esteem has probably never been any higher than it is now, and I feel much more at peace with who and what I am, and with my life in general, right now.:)

Stephenie
09-08-2005, 02:11 PM
I feel much as Christine does. I have a male and a female part. Inside I feel female and like to dress pretty and I feel emotoins strong but, on the out side I am male and like to do male things. I will never transistion but I will always dress up. I will always feel strong emotions but will not always be able to show them. I will care for and nurture my childern as would a father and a mother would.

I am not happy with the way everything is in my life but, I am trying to change those things that can be while living up to the comitmints and promises I have made. I am becoming more content with things and there is hope.

So, yes you can feel as you have discribed. There is a wide range of TS people.

MarinaTwelve200
09-08-2005, 07:06 PM
Of course its possible to confuse the feelings. Those of us who CD often do so for the great feelings or the RUSH we get as a result. We may think that if only we could be a REAL girl, that would really take it to the max.---so at one level we may desire to be women--As that route (via CD) is the ONLY way we know how to get the rush.

All and all, though the only reason most of us would WANT to be a girl is for the feelings----But its not really a girl we want to be--we want the results.---A REAL TS simply wants to be the woman she feels is--and is not looking for a sexual (or whatever) thrill that the hetro seeks.

The drive is so strong its really hard to tell WHAT we really want, however---thats the big reason for the year or more of psychotherapy before a TS transitions----you gotta be dam* sure what your feelings really are before going under the knife.

Lyn Ryan
09-08-2005, 07:53 PM
You are what you are, you are who you are.....and no one can tell you any different cos no one else is inside your head except you........(and maybe the voices)

........Hugs Lyn......

Lisa Golightly
09-09-2005, 01:45 AM
Strip away the clothes, the makeup, the shoes, the perfume... stand naked in front of the mirror... look into your eyes and ask yourself the question. Your gut response is the great truth you seek.

Deborah
09-09-2005, 02:08 AM
Strip away the clothes, the makeup, the shoes, the perfume... stand naked in front of the mirror... look into your eyes and ask yourself the question. Your gut response is the great truth you seek.

Search your feelings Lisa....i feel the good in you.:D

Vaerise
09-09-2005, 07:00 AM
Wow, this is one post that really hit home.
I really do not know why I crossdress; wearing woman's clothes lets the woman in me out or is it really just that I wear it to want to feel like a woman? Sounds similar but I feel theres a difference.

I do not really know what constitutes as a female brain, female emotional aspect or female hobbies. I felt that certain activities have always been stereotyped by the society as MASCULINE or FEMININE.
Like watching sports could be perceived as something Masculine, while getting your pedicure done could be perceived as Feminine.

As far as I know I don't act like a woman when I'm outside, neither do I indulge in "Masculine" or "Feminine" activities. My interests involve painting miniatures which really seems to scream "MALE".

Like Lisa, I have a softer side which I prefer to express more often, I am envious of woman in general, despite all of the things they have to put up with. Pain of child birth, PMS and being treated as somewhat inferior in the workplace. Unlike Lisa I do have sexual fantasys about man.

As you can see I am really really confused. I do not think I was a girl born in a man's body so to speak. I do not partake very "girlish" activities. I just have a very strong inclination about being female and having strange thoughts about certain man.

Perhaps I am really bisexual and have taken Crossdressing to the extreme so much so that I believe that I am indeed transexual and want a sex change.
Trying to visualize myself as a hot stud dating ladies or being a father bring his daughter out for lessons just does not seem to work for me.



Strip away the clothes, the makeup, the shoes, the perfume... stand naked in front of the mirror... look into your eyes and ask yourself the question. Your gut response is the great truth you seek.

The great truth is really scary, I see a man. Yet somehow I dislike that organ between the legs, the face and body that comes with it.


Anyway Lisa, its a great post and it makes us really look deep down at what we really are or might have become.
I recently been reading a book by Andrew Mattews, in one of the pages he mentions the power of positive and negative thoughts.
In summary it says, I think therefore I become.
I suspect some of us ask ourselves this question all the time. Have I gone too far or am I really transexual?


2 cents from the Newbie

Lisa Scott
09-10-2005, 09:55 AM
Thank you all for the support ... I should probably have said that my electrologist is or was TS and is now living in a full time female role having had SRS in Thailand...and apart from being one of the best electrologists around is also highly qualified in psychology, especially the area of gender identity etc...she has been very helpful in making me think about things before I make a mistake I may later regret.

Lisa x

Julie
09-10-2005, 07:22 PM
Lisa,

I've heard it said there are as many forms of transsexualism as there are TSs. There simply isn't only one way to determine if you are. Of course, if transitioning is the most important thing in your life, that's a pretty surefire indication you're TS, but it's not the only one.

I've wanted to be a girl all my life. When I was younger I never asked myself why, I just knew it. It came from so deep inside me I never thought to question why.

In my first therapy session with a highly respected gender specialist, she brought up transitioning. I told her it wasn't happening. She brought it up again in the second and third sessions. I ignored it the second time but in the third I told her again I wasn't going to go that route. I went to the fourth dressed for the first time. I did it because I wanted to see if she saw a different person. About half way through she asked if I was Jim or Julie. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought about how my answer could turn my safe world upside down.

I'm not transitioning but I think it's safe to say I'm TS. My ex, who's known me half my life, believes I am and an experienced professional believes that too. But the realities of doing it are too much to bear. So I remain the way I am.

Elizabeth
09-10-2005, 11:21 PM
Lisa,

I too have struggled with these issues. I have been dressing full time for over a year now. I have divorced my non-accepting wife and remarried a wonderful woman who accepts me how I am. If only I could do the same. Even though I am a full time dresser, I don't wear breastforms, only recently started wearing a wig(mostly just because if a huge bald spot on the back of my head), I have not had any hair removed permanently and do not take hormones.

You see, I too have wondered if it is just a admiration of women I suffer from. My perception that I am really a woman on the inside, is just that. It is my perception. Since I was nine years old, before I was a sexual person, I felt I was a girl in a boys body. It took a lot of time to come to terms with that.

But you see, my blood pressure is in the borderline high area. Meaning HRT is pretty much out of the question, unless something happens in the medical community that might change that. I am also disabled with fibromyalgia and live on disability, both of which add the the difficulty transitioning would pose both physically and financially.

I do not pass for a female in any sense of the imagination. I make no attempt to disguise my voice. Yet, in my community I have been accepted. I get treated great everywhere. While I will not transition for these reasons, it does not keep me from living my life as the person I beleive I was meant to be.

In the end, I beleive that is the goal.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Natasha Anne
09-11-2005, 03:25 AM
Too relate my experiences, and I hope they contribute something of value here. I always knew I was a girl. I always wished, since junior school, that I could be playing with them.

I went through a phase of loathing girls, but that was frustration. I've been crossdressing ever since I can remember, even resorting to making rather rudimentary clothing from my Mom's weekend magazines, when I was too young and too poor to find clothes. Of course the clothes I made were not brilliant, but they were what I wanted.

After 34 odd years of struggling with myself, and being in a 16 year relationship, 9 of which were married, and two children, I reached a point this year I knew I had to see someone. I just accepted what I knew, and felt my only other alternative was suicide. It was a day in which I realised I had to become what I was despite any consequences, no matter how bad. It was a turning point and I knew I was beyond going back.

I found a clinical psychiatrist well versed in the subject matter. I was nervous as heck the first time I went to see him and totally unsure what result I wanted. I knew there were only two results I would accept. I was hoping he'd say, oh you're a crossdresser, it's OK, take two of these, get over your depression and call me sometime OR you're a TS in need of transition. I was hoping for the former, because the consequences seemed dire if I were to go the latter route, but as I say the consequences didn't seem as bad as not doing this. My hopes for the former, were really a vain attempt to hold onto something I knew couldn't be. I am a successful man. Unfortunately (or fortunately) I went in there totally honest, didn't try hide anything and broke down. It was in the meeting I realised for myself that avoiding the problem I was facing was destroying me and also turning me into a not very nice person.

The psychiatrist did tell me what I was, but his pointed questions and just providing me a safe space to speak really helped me for once and for all get past this. When I concluded what I always knew he was there to affirm things.

That was 5 months ago. So I'm transitioning and am in my 8th week of hormones, wearing androgynous clothing to work (which can be tough, trust me) and have had 4 hours of electrolysis.

The demons that haunt me have gone, I've finally accepted myself and my live is no longer ambiguous. I feel more like me daily. My wife knows I love her, but our relationship has changed irrecoverably. She is all women and not a lesbian, so as much as she's still here with me and the children, she's my sister. After I told her (3 weeks after my initial visit to the psychiatrist), it didn't take long for the relationship to change, especially after the hormones started.

I'm trying to be realistic about this. I'm nervous, excited, anxcious and depressed about transitioning, I know there might be some tough consequences to face, such as losing friends, family and my job, but I have to do this. Predicting the future is something I'm trying to avoid, because all I see is negatives, and in reality my experiences so far have been overwhelmingly positive.

Hugs
Tasha

Deborah757
09-19-2005, 06:08 PM
A simple example would be (and there are lots more) when I'd explain my childhood and the anger or depression I'd feel after dreaming I was a girl and waking up to find I wasn't and how I really want to transition, but I'd like to still keep my marriage, my family, my job. She'd ask things like, "Well if you can't have both, which would you choose?"

I haven't been to see a therapist but I realized the truth of the question several years ago. This is such an impossible choice. Sometimes it makes me wish I had never been born to start with. In several ways it makes me identify with the myth below, Sword of Damocles. I feel like that if I was to make the choice to go ahead that horsehair might break and the sword plunge into my head. Unfortunately, unlike Damocles, I can't go back to that poor little cottege of contentment because I never was there to start with.

Does this make sense to anybody?


There once was a king whose name was Dionysius. He was so unjust and cruel that he won himself the name of tyrant. He knew that almost everybody hated him, and so he was always in dread lest some one should take his life.

But he was very rich, and he lived in a fine palace where there were many beautiful and costly things, and he was waited upon by a host of servants who were always ready to do his bidding. One day a friend of his, whose name was Damocles, said to him -
"How happy you must be! You have here everything that any man could wish."
"Perhaps you would like to trade places with me," said the tyrant.
"No, not that, O king!" said Damocles; "but I think that, if I could only have your riches and your pleasures for one day, I should not want any greater happiness."
"Very well," said the tyrant. "You shall have them."

And so, the next day, Damocles was led into the palace, and all the servants were bidden to treat him as their master. He sat down at a table in the banquet hall, and rich foods were placed before him. Nothing was wanting that could give him pleasure. There were costly wines, and beautiful flowers, and rare perfumes, and delightful music. He rested among soft cushions, and felt that he was the happiest man in all the world.

Then he chanced to raise his eyes toward the ceiling. What was it that was dangling above him, with it's point almost touching his head? It was a sharp sword, and it was hung by only a single horsehair. What if the hair should break? There was danger every moment that it would do so.

The smile faded from the lips of Damocles. His face became very pale. His hands trembled. He wanted no more food; he could drink no more wine; he took no more delight in the music. He longed to be out of the palace, and away, he cared not where.

"What is the matter?" said the tyrant.
"That sword! That sword!" cried Damocles. He was so badly frightened that he dared not move.
"Yes," said Dionysius, "I know there is a sword above your head, and that it may fall at any moment. But why should that trouble you? I have a sword over my head all the time. I am every moment in dread lest something may cause me to lose my life."
"Let me go," said Damocles. "I now see that I was mistaken, and that the rich and powerful are not so happy as they seem. Let me go back to my old home in the poor little cottage among the mountains."

And so long as he lived, he never again wanted to be rich, or to change places with the king.

CammyT
09-20-2005, 02:35 PM
Aloha Lisa,
I really don't think there is a hardline between being a crossdresser and being transsexual. Took the online COGIATI at transsexual.org. Got a score of 110, making me androgyne, or the "third sex" in some cultures. This does sort of explain my being attracted sexually to males, females and anyone in-between (or is I'm just ****ty).

Anyway, the test results show that for me, any attempt to become totally polarized in either sex could be very dangerous to my mental health! It states that psychologically I'm probably more a transgenderist than transsexual (symantics). So I guess I'll just heve to continue taking care of my fem side to keep from going nuts-o. Really great to know I need to keep buying lace lingerie to keep sane. :D

Star
10-05-2005, 11:17 AM
Hi Lisa,

I've been a fairly closeted cder for years. Like you I do fantasize about being a woman and wonder if I am TS also. My cogiati score of 185 seems to suggest this. While I am attacted to women and not men I have fantasized being with a man as a woman. While the thought of losing my male equipment is fine with me and I would most likely prefer it, I have no plans to transisiton. I wonder where all this is taking me and I am as perplexed as you are sis. What you said ... "Is it possible to confuse really being transsexual and genuinely believing you are female inside, with the fantasy of loving women so much you want to be female.. " is something I have pondered for years.
We are not alone in our feelings....

love

Kate
10-05-2005, 05:36 PM
Yes there are some gals, who after they got their operations disappear to live a life of depression because they fantasized about being a woman, tricked the system, got all of the paperwork approved, and got the operation and are absolutely miserable.. :(

That is what really scares me at the moment. I so badly want to be fully female, but am I just fooling myself and taking some sort of fantasy too far?

For me though it has been a strange experience. I started out being a very closet CD'er, but progressivly got more and more dissatisfied with it until the point I am at now where it just dismays me when I see that masculine face looking back from the nice clothes. I do sometimes dress a bit, but nothing fancy (maybe a long gypsy-skirt or something) just because it feels nice. But only ever alone. More recently I have experienced a powerful acceleration of my feelings about transitioning - suddenly it seems possible, and I want it so very badly... yet is it all an illusion?

One document I found helpful was this:

A Letter To Would-Be Transsexuals (http://www.cauldronfarm.com/writing/wouldbeletter.html)

I encourage anyone questioning if they may be a TS to read it. It is perhaps a little extreme in some respects, but a good acid-test I thought. Seriously. Read it. And then see how you answer the question at the end.

*hugs everyone*

Kate.

PS. Take those COGATI tests with a large pinch of salt. They base the outcome primarily on the stereotypes of brain-gender (like "women can't park"). As most people will testify, that is a gross over-simplification.

TGMarla
10-06-2005, 07:38 AM
Hmmm. You look really pretty in your picture. I just thought I'd throw that in. I suspect your electolysist has some kind of "expert" syndrome. Although she is transexual, she is not necessarily an expert on transexuals, or a phychologist, for that matter. I have fantasized about being anatomically female all my adult life. I imagine having sex like a female. I imagine just BEING female on a daily basis. My COGIATI score is firmly in the "third sex" category. But am I transexual? The answer for me is both yes and no. But I am not going to transition. I just can't bring myself to do it, even though I greatly wish I were female.

Perhaps the only way for you to know is to answer the question for yourself, "can I live my life the way I am, or must I transition to survive?" I wish you well in your journey. May you find happiness and contentment.

Natasha Anne
10-07-2005, 02:33 PM
Thanks for the kind words Gracie,

I use this forum to relate my personal experiences because I hope that will be useful to each others. Writing them in this way is also quite cathartic and helps me organise my own thinking. So it serves me and hopefully others.

Right now my gender airport will be somewhere in Thailand and the most likely candidates are Chettawut or Suporn, leaning towards the latter.

We have some decent surgeons in South Africa, but none with the levels of experience of the overseas ones.


Hi Tasha,


Wow. I didn't know how close we were together. My plane has been cleared for take off and as the plane rounded the turn on the runway I saw your plane take off. We're that close.

I went to my psychologist for the same reasons and with the same expectations. "Tell me that I'm a CDr or tell me that I'm a TS" :: buzzer sound :: Oh well, it was a nice thought. :) After talking and being open and honest I knew what I always wanted to be and what I always knew I was deep down inside. She, my therapist, let me come to that conclusion on my own. She let me say it. She just listened, she never suggested I was anything, but she asked questions that were good questions when I was dodging things by making statements that were "the best of both world statements" or unrealistic. A simple example would be (and there are lots more) when I'd explain my childhood and the anger or depression I'd feel after dreaming I was a girl and waking up to find I wasn't and how I really want to transition, but I'd like to still keep my marriage, my family, my job. She'd ask things like, "Well if you can't have both, which would you choose?" I knew the answer for years now, but this was the first time I admitted it. For me it's a no brainer that I'd choose to transition and that was weird to finally say out loud. When talking to myself I didn't think that I had to make a choice. It's nice to have someone to bounce reality off of and hear yourself talk things out.

Like you Tasha it wasn't a party. It kind of stinks actually or at least it did in the first in the beginning. I was in such chaos the first few weeks after admitting I was a TS. It stank because I couldn't think straight. I didn't know which way was up. Now I'm just starting to slowly accept I am what I am and the good news is I'm ok. :)

When I start HRT I may decide what Julie decided, "Yes I'm a TS, but I'm not transitioning." what I'm beginning to realize is that I'm still a TS even if I don't transition. That is a new level of acceptance and it fits like a nice pair of shoes. It feels really good. :) I do feel more fulfilled than I ever have in my entire life. There are questions I do have to answer about work and solutions I'll have to come up with, but I'm not rushing things. From those who've transitioned before me that's the advice they keep telling me is the best they could ever give. "Take your time."

Thanks Tasha for your post. Who knows, maybe we'll have a layover in the same gender airport one of these days? :)

Gracie (the name I'll be using when I change my name legally)