losing family and friends

[Victoria Anne]

I have until now been the lucky one to have lost no family or friends , that has all changed . My mother will still not accept me and is unwilling to learn about me , as a medical professional she should but refuses and states if it were up to her she would put me in an institution . My Niece has announced that she never wants to see me again as I am not her aunt but her uncle which means that since my niece and sister are so close I will not be seeing her either and to top all of that my best friend of nearly 10 years now rarely calls and refuses to see me ., and he had to walk past me today after not seeing me in nearly 6 months (we both drive truck) and not a single word.

My thoughts , if my family cannot accept me then so be it , I lived for years without them and I can again but my door will always be open . My friend , well a friend of convenience is not a friend at all but it is disappointing as I have been there fro him through all his troubles so yes I am hurt but I will move on with my life.

I feel for the first time that I am finally living , I just can'tgive that up as I am truly happy , my wife has seen such a change in how I feel and love , in the quality of life . It is just sad that family and friends cannot see beyond there own needs to those of those they are supposed to love and care about .

Thanks for listening , I just needed to get that out .

[Michelle I]

I am sorry about the family and friends attitude but your attitude is great. I am so happy to see that you are truely happy, I am getting there, not yet but very close.

[Teri Jean]

I am so sorry this happened Vicci. I will PM. Hugs Teri

[CharleneT]

Transition is unfortunately a quick way to find who really is your friend and who is not. I have found that many people go thru one reaction immediately - often fairly supportive. Then after it sinks in, if they have issues you find out about it. Patience is a virtue, sometimes they come back around. Hopefully the third time is a charm in that regard. Sorry to hear what you are going thru :hugs:

[Faith_G]

None of the people I have lost were worth being miserable for.

[Hope]

None of the people I have lost were worth being miserable for.

This is absolutely the conclusion I have come to. Those who love me are going to join me, those who don't, aren't worth my time or my tears.

[Jorja]

When I transitioned I lost everyone that even might have known me. It sucks, I know. But you know what happened? After a little while, I started meeting people and replacing those I had lost. People that I truely knew cared about me and I them. It took some time but my family finally came around too. Keep your head held high and go in the direction you need to go. If people can't accept you for who you are now, then you don't need them in your life anyhow.

[morgan51]

Sad to hear, and it seems all too common a thread for those of us with family and friends going into transition. I do feel support from the ladies here though and a few new friends I've made outside of my family of origin.I still hold out the belief that a true friend wouldn't drop me for being T. I will hope/pray for a change of heart for you and all of us. Morgan

[gretchen2]

That does suck about family and friends but at least you are being Positive. Keep holding your head high.

[Traci Elizabeth]

All too often this is our lot. However, I think living our lives the best way that makes us happy outweighs the losses we must endure. We can not live our lives for "others."

We only go around the Merry-go-Round ONCE, unfortunately a lot of us come to that realization late in our life so relationship speed bumps should at best just slow us down momentarily. Straight open roads lay just past the bumps!

[Eileen]

Victoria it is sad we have to loose family and friends. The unanswerable question,at least, for me is why they will only accept you on their terms and totally ignore what makes you the person you truly are. At least you are now happy, who you have always been and all the years of pretending are behind you.

Eileen

[kym]

You have the perfect attitude to deal with the losses. When I first came out to my ex-wife as a transgendered individual I ended up losing her family, my mother and father and several friends. Mom eventually came to her sense, dad never has, but of all those I have lost I treasure who I have found: the real me and my true family and friends. I eventually lost my ex-wife as well because she caved into her families thoughts and wishes, but I have gained a true soul mate in my current wife and best friend. There is hope we just have to keep plugging at it until we find it.

[Inna]

I am sorry you have to endure the inevitable. Losses we must face of transition causalities are deeply scaring and painful. We survive, and love we encounter along the way paves the new road we take in truth. The friendships we cherished in the past were valid and we have enjoyed them as well, but now our realities have turned and some of the good people who were there before can not accept our new reality within their own. They are not necessarily bad nor meaning disrespect but are still and fixed within their own reality. We must learn how to say goodbye and go on to fulfill our destiny and grow in love every step of our new way.

[Kathryn Martin]

I feel for the first time that I am finally living , I just can'tgive that up as I am truly happy , my wife has seen such a change in how I feel and love , in the quality of life . It is just sad that family and friends cannot see beyond there own needs to those of those they are supposed to love and care about .

They always say that blood runs thicker than water. They always say that everything is about family. They always claim that family is the strongest bond. Who are they? They are the ones that you didn't choose, the ones that you have to love just because they are family. They are the ones that feel stronger their own embarrassment then the pain of their neighbor. They will turn their backs on you if you don't conform to their world view. They know nothing of love!

In my life I have found that those that claim to be responsible by claiming they cannot help because they have to think of their families and themselves first are those that cannot love but by the conventions of our society. Those that love freely, as a gift from them to you, to those in need without agenda are the ones who will make the bond that holds through thick and thin. Your wife is with you and friends like her will come and stand by you and comfort you.

The rest of them, may they have good circulation and simple thoughts. They will be forgotten soon.

[Sharon]

Losing family is not an inevitability. The possibility, however, is something each transitioning person needs to consider and do what they can to either ward off or prepare themselves for. My sisters were my family and my mother a bit less so, at least emotionally. I had been honest about myself with my sisters for a few years before I transitioned and they were mentally prepared when I told them I was going forward. My mother, because of our more emotionally distant relationship, was only informed sometime after I transitioned and one sister was at my side when I finally told her. Unfortunately, because my mother had limited cognitive retention due to dementia, it was necessary for me to tell her about myself many times before she passed a year or two later. Boy, that was fun I write very sarcastically.

All my blood relatives, including dozens of cousins and their families, nieces and nephews, and my one remaining aunt and uncle accept me, though I haven't spent time explaining myself to each and every one and I haven't seen most of them excepting at my mother's funeral two years ago. Non-blood relatives, my ex-in-laws and step-children quickly distanced themselves from me (my wife passed away fifteen years ago) and there is no communication at all in the past couple years, though I wish it wasn't so. I consider myself very fortunate to have the family I do and I truly know how special they are.

[TiffanyTgirl]

I am sorry for your situation. I hope that they will get past whatever they are experiencing and come back to you. Make sure that you tell them that you understand and you are there if they want to see you.

[Melody Moore]

I understand how hard it is to lose those you really care about Viccy and this is something we must all be prepared to deal with. For me the situation was different, because both parents lost me before I started to transition - My father lost me many years ago through his drunken domestic violence & abuse. My mother lost me last year by blatantly lying to me about there whereabouts of my children for the past 6 years & now my kids think I never really cared about them and resent me for it. My ex-wife told my mother not to tell me where her & the kids were - so my mother took my ex-wife's side. I could understand my mother not accepting me transitioning and bear no malice towards her about that, however the damage my she has done to my relationship with my kids is way beyond reproach & completely unforgivable - how dare she come between me and my kids?

[CharleneT]

Patience is a virtue with Frnds/Fam.

Many of my friends here have been accepting of my change. Some happy, some just tolerant etc... There is one couple where the husband has been very supportive and his wife just flat out refused to accept my transition. She will not ever call me by my name, which has hurt. Especially because after a while she even got her husband to stop calling me Charlene and go back to my male name.

Speed up to the present, a year after I told them, unfortunately the husband died suddenly a couple of weeks ago. Although not accepting of my change, Laura and I have remained friends. I was at her side the day after Tom's death, and have helped since. From that day forward, she has started calling me Charlene, and now seems quite accepting of the new "me". Her use of pronouns etc... magically flipped over.

Why would her husband's death cause this change in attitude ?? I've no clue, nor has she said a thing. Probably I'll never know the "why". But, I'm happy about that part of an unpleasant circumstance. I guess where I am going with this is that you never know, even years later people may/can change their attitudes toward transitioning TS folks. It can go in both directions, but don't give up completely on those who struggle with accepting transition.

[Traci Elizabeth]

I understand how hard it is to lose those you really care about Viccy and this is something we must all be prepared to deal with. For me the situation was different, because both parents lost me before I started to transition - My father lost me many years ago through his drunken domestic violence & abuse. My mother lost me last year by blatantly lying to me about there whereabouts of my children for the past 6 years & now my kids think I never really cared about them and resent me for it. My ex-wife told my mother not to tell me where her & the kids were - so my mother took my ex-wife's side. I could understand my mother not accepting me transitioning and bear no malice towards her about that, however the damage my she has done to my relationship with my kids is way beyond reproach & completely unforgivable - how dare she come between me and my kids?


And the sad part Melody is that although you hurt at the loss of your children, your absence will have a profound effect on them for the rest of their lives unless you can somehow get back into their lives.

Have you gone to court to force visitation rights or seek joint custody?

[Traci Elizabeth]

Patience is a virtue with Frnds/Fam.

Many of my friends here have been accepting of my change. Some happy, some just tolerant etc... There is one couple where the husband has been very supportive and his wife just flat out refused to accept my transition. She will not ever call me by my name, which has hurt. Especially because after a while she even got her husband to stop calling me Charlene and go back to my male name.

Speed up to the present, a year after I told them, unfortunately the husband died suddenly a couple of weeks ago. Although not accepting of my change, Laura and I have remained friends. I was at her side the day after Tom's death, and have helped since. From that day forward, she has started calling me Charlene, and now seems quite accepting of the new "me". Her use of pronouns etc... magically flipped over.

Why would her husband's death cause this change in attitude ?? I've no clue, nor has she said a thing. Probably I'll never know the "why". But, I'm happy about that part of an unpleasant circumstance. I guess where I am going with this is that you never know, even years later people may/can change their attitudes toward transitioning TS folks. It can go in both directions, but don't give up completely on those who struggle with accepting transition.

Charlene, you may never know "why" and that really is not important. What matters is that you are their now and in a strange twist of faith, perhaps you will remain her life-time guardian angel.

[Melody Moore]

your absence will have a profound effect on them for the rest of their lives unless you can somehow get back into their lives.

Have you gone to court to force visitation rights or seek joint custody?
Traci, unfortunately what my mother's lying & what my ex-wife did has already had a profound effect
and has done too much damage to my kids because my son is now aged 20 & my daughter is nearly 17.

Believe me, I tried to do everything legally possible over the past 6 years but none of that was possible if I didn't know where they were. I even searched the internet & pages like Facebook, Tagged.com, Myspace to no avail. I eventually found them after my daughter got in contact with me last year at the age of 16 because she needed the permission of one parent to marry a much older guy she fell pregnant to when she was still only 15 years old. Her mother refused to give her permission to marry this guy because he was a player & didn't really love her & obviously wouldn't support her, so then my daughter started looking for me believing she could make things right. But my daughter only contacted me because she wanted something from me that she couldn't get from her mother and when I refused to give her permission - she went back to hating me for it.

I also found out that my mother knew where they were the whole time - my kids also told me they asked my mother many times for my contact information, but they told me that the phone number was wrong. So my mother was obviously giving them misleading information so they couldn't ever find me.

Initially when my daughter contacted me I also wanted to know where her brother, my son was - she told me he wasn't living at home, but was still living in a hotel in the same town. I eventually located him with some help of a friend who was from that town, so we started to rekindle our relationship. However I also found out my son had been in lots of trouble with the law and was under serious case management with the Probation Office. He was also being hunted by many others around the town where he lived who he also ripped off. So he wanted to get out of town really bad, so I let him move up to Cairns to live with me early last year. The only conditions I put on him was that he was to get a job & pay his way and that he was always 100% honest to me - none of which he is really capable of. I eventually learned that he was a habitual liar, a player, an opportunist & a thief who constantly lied & took advantage of others - eventually he also started stealing from me. So I had no choice in the end but to kick him out on his own because I couldn't deal with the stress of having him live with me any longer.

It is vital that kids have both parents in their lives when they are growing up and what you see here is the result of not having that. Throughout their teenage years especially when they are so vulnerable & prone to peer pressure - getting into drugs & crime etc. I was always better at disciplining & motivating my kids than their mother was who tended to let our kids walk all over her. My mother blames me for what the kids are like now, but the way I see it, she has done more damage than I could have ever done. I constantly asked her where my kids were and she said that she didn't know anything - so now you can imagine how I feel about my mother who I always looked up to, trusted and really respected. When I found out she was lying to me about the whereabouts, she told me that she "had to make a deal with the devil" so she could get to see the kids. She has proved herself to be nothing but a selfish two faced lying bitch. As I said... what she has done now is way beyond reproach & completely unforgivable.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Melody, my heart goes out to you.

[Rianna Humble]

I have until now been the lucky one to have lost no family or friends , that has all changed . My mother will still not accept me and is unwilling to learn about me , as a medical professional she should but refuses and states if it were up to her she would put me in an institution . My Niece has announced that she never wants to see me again as I am not her aunt but her uncle which means that since my niece and sister are so close I will not be seeing her either and to top all of that my best friend of nearly 10 years now rarely calls and refuses to see me ., and he had to walk past me today after not seeing me in nearly 6 months (we both drive truck) and not a single word.

Hi Victoria, I am really sorry for the difficulties you are going through :bighug: It makes me feel guilty not to have lost anyone to my knowledge and even to have gained back some I had not believed would understand.

I admire your courageous outlook on this setback and am sure that in the longer term your patience should be rewarded.

[Louise C]

Hey Victoria,

Hurts doesn't it? I lost a really really close friend when the news broke about me, but after 18 months he has not really had much effect on my new life. I'm sorry for you that it has been a difficult time.

What Sharon said about warding off negative responses struck a chord with me - i tried to cover my network of friends with telling 4 or 5 who were well placed to hear any gossip about me. They had agreed to do me the favour of setting the record straight about me and filling in the more "boring" bits and in doing so, neutralising the "juicy" bits which people seem so keen to concentrate on when perpetuating the rumours. So far i have had more positive than negative reactions so consider myself fortunate, but i think that it was less of the luck factor and more to do with a bit of forward planning............

I wish you well on your own personal journey.

[ReineD]

I'm sorry, Victoria. :sad: I just hope that in time, your family's attitude will change.

There was an older man years ago (during the 80's) who walked his dog past my house every day. We became friends and would chat once in awhile when the weather was nice.

Eventually, this man told me that 10 years before, he had banned his son from his life when the son came out to him about being gay. The son moved to NYC, and the father (a widower) never heard from him again. The son had died of AIDS a year or so before, and his father chocked up about it when he told me. He bitterly regretted having ostracized his son, and he told me he would give his life in order to go back and change things. This tall, strong man, who had spent his life in the military, had tears streaming down his face when he told me the story. I still choke up when I remember it.