how do i tell about attending surport group meeting

[pernille d]

its a long story but i surpose i have one foot out of the closset as my wife knows i wear lingeri and nylons but does not know about pernille

after many years in the closset i feel i need to get out and be a bit free but this is not easy as my wife is not keen on what she already knows .I want to join the local CD meeting group but this causes a few problems. what do i tell the wife

1. say i am going out and secretly go to the meeting in drab
2. say i am going out and secretly change in the car and go to the meeting as pernille (hopeing i can remove all signs of makeup after )
3. tell my wife i need an evening alone and hope she trusts me and lets me go out .
4. take the chance an tell her everything and maybe see if we can not agree that that once a month that is pernilles evening .

i really dont know what to do but i do know the group is a way forward for me. but how do i go about explaining it , I would love to hear any views/surgestions or experience that might help

[Aimee20]

Pernille, I am all about option number 4. Being that this is such a large part of who we are, trying to hide it or lying is just going to add insult to injury when she does find out.

How long have you and your wife been together and at what point in the relationship did she find out about the dressing that you do on a normal basis?

[TammyPA]

What if your wife did something like that to you?
As someone who is over 60 with two xwifes...........please be honest.

[juno]

The best thing in the long run is to be open, but you should have a strategy to talking with your wife. I would go to the first meeting in drab and discuss it with them. It will also help give you confidence talking about it. But, try not to lie about the meeting, just don't give details. The lies are often the hardest to work out.

[AllieSF]

I would say make a good excuse to be out shopping, or whatever, and go to the meeting as you, no Pernile. It is better if you can actually do what you tell your wife you will be doing, shopping or whatever and still go to the meeting. If you do not like the meeting or the atmosphere or whatever, then you do not have to go back. That way you have tested the waters and you can make the next decision, which is if you like it and want to go more often as a guy or as Pernile, how do you proceed. I agree that, if you can (and that is a very big if that only you can answer because no one, I repeat, no one on this site knows all of your details, )etc. telling your wife is the best way to go. However, that is your decision and please do not let anyone pressure you into what you do not want or are not ready to do. Period. Telling your wife now may backfire on you if you decide that that specific group and meeting is not for you. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.

[AKAMichelle]

lets remind you of the alternatives. She finds out about Pernille and your lying about your whereabouts at the same time. Not good at all. Or you can tell her the truth from the beginning. The more lies and hiding you do determines your punishment when she finds out. My wife took almost 3 years to accept me and Saturday she went to a halloween party with me dressed. It takes time and sometimes they never accept but it is always better to be honest. A marriage built on lies and deceit is a marriage with inadequate foundation.

[LitaKelley]

Be straight up with her. Honesty earns you more trust and possibly gains you more acceptance and support.

[JulieC]

As others, I have to go with honesty. Lying will create problems. It might seem like it solves problems at first, but lying (even in the form of hiding what you're really doing without actually directly lying) just leads to problems. TammyPA is right; what would you do if your wife did this to you? Be honest, be open. Your wife might not like what she hears, and it may cause problems. It's still the right thing to do.

[Tomara]

My opinion would be #4

[sterling12]

Ideally Option Number Four makes the most sense. AND THEN, you would invite her to come along to The Meeting with you. I know Tri-Ess Groups encourage Partners to attend meetings, and I would imagine other support groups would also be so inclined.

If you can't go for 100% honesty, if she doesn't know, then you need to reevaluate your situation. Sometimes, being pragmatic is our best option. It's not The Ideal...but it's The Best Option! Be aware, she will eventually figure out your pattern, so if your not being forthright she's going to figure it out, with The Inevitable Confrontation. If you don't tell her now, be prepared with A Plan when you have to tell her later.

Joining A Support Group is a big step. It can break a lot of The Mental Shackles that you are now feeling. It can really help you to overcome The Fears, Self-Loathing, and Guilt. Many Cd's take The First Step, they make contact. But, they don't follow through and never get to A Meeting. You have "Obstacles" to overcome. Hope you Make It, and Good Luck!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[RADER]

I wish I could find a support group close to home. There all in Chicago, about a 1 1/2 hour drive for me.
Sure wish one was closer. Rader

[pernille d]

I wish I could find a support group close to home. There all in Chicago, about a 1 1/2 hour drive for me.
Sure wish one was closer. Rader

There is one group in the country I come from but luckily they meet in two places and one meeting place is only an hours drive away. 1.5 hours is a distance but it can be quite cozy driving long distances as it gives you time to think

[SuzanneBender]

In my humble opinion you have only one right choice. You have to tell her. She sounds like she is accepting of your dressing thus far. If you tell her you risk the chance that she wont like you going to the support group. If you don't tell her you risk the chance of loosing her currently level of support for your dressing.

Men look at omission as not lying. Women don't see it that way. In most womens eyes failing to tell them about something that you are doing is betrayal and a lie.

I like Sterlings idea about including her in your support group participation.

[JulieC]

Men look at omission as not lying. Women don't see it that way. In most womens eyes failing to tell them about something that you are doing is betrayal and a lie.

BINGO

And on this sword, so many in-the-closet CDers impale themselves, thinking they're ok in not telling their wives, because they're not lying! WRONG.

[ReineD]

Does your local CD group welcome loved ones, or is it a meet-up, social outings group for CDs/TSs only?

If it is the former, check to see if they have a changing room on the premises. The group that my SO attends has one. And then proceed to step # 4. You could tell your wife all about the group and show her the website if they have one. Many of the groups' websites have a section that explains the crossdressing to the wives. And then you could tell your wife that your desire to get in touch with your softer side goes beyond expressing it just sexually and you would like to express yourself with others like you, in a safe place. Tell your wife that would love it if she would join you since you could develop this together. But, if she needs the time to learn more first, the group does have a room to change on the premises and you will be happy to use it, if your wife isn't quite ready to see you dressed.

Good luck!

[Stephanie Miller]

I'm all in with #4. But maybe there is an option #5? Why do you need to just into the meeting scenario with both heels? Can't you approach the wife first, then AFTER proper discussion, proceed to inviting her along to this meeting WITHOUT going en-femme in order to make it easier on her? There's always time for the girl in you to make a proper entrance. Kind of the - you only get one chance at a first impression. I think the more accepting she is of the CD concept, the more accepting she will be when she sees Pernille for the first time. Just my rambling thoughts.

[pernille d]

Thanks all for the comments and I know the best and the only right thing to do is come clean and tell all.(nr4). Everyone is welcome at the group But I need to go on my own the first time as i feel i need to talk and get a bit of face to face talk and advice about how to tackle the next stage .

I am almost at the point of telling my wife i need to go out ,but i really do not want to say where *i am going as that would create too many questions . Therefore i thought i would say . I was going out to talk and get help with my problems.(is that. A silly thing to do or not) . I feel that way I am not lieing but also keeping things a bit closed until I have talked it through with others.

Any surgestions as to this is right or wrong*

[ReineD]

First, I would definitely not refer to the CDing as a problem. You don't want to put a negative spin on it.

You can say you are going for support. If your wife thinks you are going there to get "cured", it will be even harder for her later when she finds out the group is there to help people explore this side of themselves.

I also have a question for you. Are you reluctant to have your wife come because you are not sure what to expect? Do you think it might be a meet-up type place for CDs to hit on each other? Organized groups that have websites are not like this. :)

[JulieC]

I am almost at the point of telling my wife i need to go out ,but i really do not want to say where *i am going as that would create too many questions . Therefore i thought i would say . I was going out to talk and get help with my problems.(is that. A silly thing to do or not) . I feel that way I am not lieing but also keeping things a bit closed until I have talked it through with others.

Any surgestions as to this is right or wrong*

"Honey, I'm going out, and I'm going to a crossdressers support group meeting. I love you dearly, and I don't want to exclude you from who I am. But first, I need to seek out some answers on my own, to be able to put this all together in my own head."

If she wants to go, which I doubt, you can say "Wow! That's awesome! I'd LOVE for you to go! Just let me go this first time alone, to get my feet under me, ok?"

[Joanne f]

The ideal situation would be for you to tell your wife that you would like to go to this meeting place and explain that it is for people like you who need support in the knowledge that you are not along and it would be helpful to you if you are aloud to go and if they allow it it maybe helpful for your wife to go if only once to see what it is all about , i do not think it is wise or fair for you to go behind your wife's back , you not going there may cause you less pain in the long run than if you went there and told lies to your wife and she found out at a latter date

[suchacutie]

I'm with Reine on this! The only time Tina would do something without my wife is if my wife decided not to join Tina in whatever activity it was. The concern I'm seeing in this thread is that there is not an emphasis on togetherness. Unless you plan to start down the road to a separation, togetherness must come first IMHO. There are demonstrable advantages for the marriage by sharing this very intimate part of you. It makes you vulnerable but that in itself shows your trust for her. Tell her you trust her and that you need to open up a part of you that has been buried...and that it is scary. Be honest and open. Can there be any other way to success in the long run? How you do it can only be up to you. You are there and will know best. All my best hopes.

tina

[pernille d]

A lot of you say, that maybe the wife should come along. It's more of a meeting group to get together, everyone is welcome and they do have events for everyone, The thing most are forgetting is. That I know my wife better than anyone else so i know it is not the place for her just now. When I come out 100% to her it should not be that way. She will need time to take things in and I also need to know the people there first before we both go.

[Tammy V]

I say go with number 4, you might be surprised. At least she already knows you like lingerie etc. so it won't be a total surprise to her.

[sterling12]

OK Pernille, perhaps you can get away with it a time or two. You implied that she already knew about yourself? But I'll just bet that eventually she asks: "Hey, how come you didn't tell me about The First Time you went?" Can you imagine when she goes to her first meeting and someone says: "Oh, when I met Pernille for The First Time a month ago, she was so sweet, and behaved just like a Lady." Then.....what are you going to do?

FYI, I know you have never been to a Meeting; but let me explain to you what is NOT going to happen! Unless your joining A Group named" "Sex-Mad Crossdressers looking to Hookup," your not going to witness an Orgy! You won't see Gurl's swapping spit, nor lifting their skirts. You probably won't see anybody in a micro-mini and trying to play "teeny-bopper," unless their brand-new like yourself, and don't know any better!

You WILL probably see LADIES who are enjoying Sisterhood, learning about themselves and others, and getting involved with their Community's. You will experience having fun, and probably will actually feel "buoyantly free" for one of The First Times in your life. You will make new friends who will not be "nutt jobs", and you will begin to realize that your not alone. If I had a Spouse, I would want her to be The First Person to share that kind of an experience....but, of course that's up to you!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Raven586]

I kept myself in the closet for so many years, and when my wife and I finally split up after 18 years, I told her everything.
She said yes I already new that. : ))
The local meetings can be quite healthy, I say option 4, as just can't hide forever.

[ReineD]

Pernille, to echo Sterling, the gals who attend my SO's gender support group are a mixture of TSs and CDs, and many I gather are somewhere in between. All are dressed conservatively. They are ALL very, very nice. The only one that was over the top with the clothing was me during the last meeting, which was a Halloween party. I went as a sexy pirate with off-shoulder peasant blouse underneath a black corset, short pirate skirt, fishnets and thigh high boots. :D Everyone else was dressed in great costumes, but much more conservatively. My SO was a sorceress with a gorgeous, long velvet and taffeta dress, renaissance style, with flowing sleeves and beautiful shoes to match. I'd say about 30-40 people attend.

The average age I would say is 45+, although there are a few in their 20s. There are many that are retired. There is one lady who is older, but doesn't shave at all. Her beard is quite long. One of the regular members is the boyfriend of one of the TSs. He always brings wines and liquors for the raffles and he is very nice too. One or two long-standing members don't come dressed anymore, but they still come because of the friendships they've formed with the members, and their wish to support the community.

A few of the GG partners go, but not many. Two of the people who set it up every month are a transitioned TS and her GG wife. Last time, their 20's something son came as well.

The meeting always begins with snacks and people standing around chatting, while the few members who need to use the available changing room get ready. Then there is always a buffet style dinner, followed by a short meeting (treasurer's report, anything new going on, etc), and they do try to get speakers of interest, for example beauticians. They've had fashion shows in the past. Next comes the raffle and there are usually about 30 prizes awarded: makeup, accessories, cute things for the home, bottles of wine, etc. There is always a 50/50 drawing, and I even won it once. :) The meetings begin at around 6:30 PM and are over with by around 10 PM. Members usually continue to chat as a few people help to clean up. A handful of members usually go out to one of the local bars/clubs afterwards. My SO & I went the month before last to a lesbian night club. There were about 6-8 of us. It was fun.

[SuzanneBender]

There are a couple of great bits of advice here:


The concern I'm seeing in this thread is that there is not an emphasis on togetherness. Unless you plan to start down the road to a separation, togetherness must come first IMHO. There are demonstrable advantages for the marriage by sharing this very intimate part of you. Tina is right. No one is saying you have to grab her by the arm and drag her to the meeting. What you need to do it open this up as an opportunity for both of you to further your marriage. Being transgender impacts both you and your wife and you owe her the opportunity to have input and participate if she desires. My wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor and fighting on a daily basis for our marriage because I failed to do what I am advocating here. The best bit of advice our counselor has provided is to remember that this takes nothing away from the relationship it only adds to it.


That I know my wife better than anyone else so i know it is not the place for her just now. When I come out 100% to her it should not be that way. She will need time to take things in and I also need to know the people there first before we both go. You are right. Its all about timing and her willingness to participate. She may never want to attend with you, but you owe her the opportunity to attend and then let her choose. Asking her to attend allows transparency to what you are doing and will provide her with some comfort concerning something she will likely find uncomfortable.


OK Pernille, perhaps you can get away with it a time or two. You implied that she already knew about yourself? But I'll just bet that eventually she asks: "Hey, how come you didn't tell me about The First Time you went?" Can you imagine when she goes to her first meeting and someone says: "Oh, when I met Pernille for The First Time a month ago, she was so sweet, and behaved just like a Lady." Then.....what are you going to do?Peace and Love, Joanie Joanie touches on the source of the issue for my wife and I. The man she married and thought she was living beside for 15 years had an entire secret life. When she learned of the real me she was overwhelmed. She was happily walking along in our marriage and I happened by in a transgendered roadster at 60 MPH grabbed her hand and said you are coming along for the ride. I was out and operating in the world as a woman and that is a lot for anyone who is not familiar with being transgender to wrap their mind around. I know other couples that have included their spouse from the beginning and although is not a wonderful relaxing stroll down relationship road it is much easier when you take this journey strolling hand in hand.