Duality Dilemma

[WendyH]

A while back I shared my experience coming out to some members of my church congregation, and also attending the church women's group as Wendy. This Saturday I'm attending a Halloween party (actually, two parties) as a female vampire. Everyone has been great so far, but as I emerge more and more from the closet, I find that having two identities and names is awkward. It was fine as long as I could keep my masculine and feminine identities compartmentalized, but now those two worlds have begun to merge. I don't see any good solution for the awkwardness for the moment except to live with it. I'm not planning on going full-time as either gender and am not all that comfortable with the androgynous look. Has anyone else run into this?

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm still well compartmentalized and haven't faced this problem, but I've thought about it on more than one occasion. It baffles me every time I run into it and feel that your current solution for the situation is "to live with it" may just be the best. We tend to do our best thinking on our feet sometimes and solutions can grow organically over time. See where your ideal balance may be, half time, 60-40, whatever and hang in there being honest and expecting respect. You are a pioneer, treading ground that is unknown for many of us. Goog luck Wendy and keep us informed.

[renee k]

Hi Wendy,
I've been living the same situation for many years. And it's really tough to walk both sides of street at same time if you will. As I get older it gets harder. And my female side is starting to win out. I've made an appointment with a therapist that specializes in TG issues. To explore all of this, and find some answers.

Renee

[Persephone]

Has anyone else run into this?

Hi Wendy,

A great post, and a huge problem! Have I run into it? Only like a freight train into a Volkswagen micro-bus! And I'm damned sure I don't have collision insurance!

What to do about it? I have no clue! Personally I figure that the only hope is in the Rodney Atkins' song "If You're Going Through Hell":

"If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there"

Hugs,
Persephone.

[ReneeT]

Wendy,

I am living the duality dilemma as well. However, the duality is really only in apearance, as I know darn well who I am on the inside. I will be glad the day i can present fully and consistently as who i really am. It's a tough process

[Inna]

Duality is a fundamental character built into our psyche from day one. As I have conducted a research into transgenderism and the latter stages of transsexualism even the most advanced and passable transsexuals carry the emotional weight of duality identification way past their full immersion into the world of femininity. I find it cumbersome but not significant enough yet in day to day activity because I my self am still presenting as male :-( however, I am getting closer to that in between stage where the world will see me as IT rather than male or female, the stage cynically depicted as PAT on SNL episodes in the 80s. "Who am I" question I have asked infinite times in the past and to tell you the truth I don't know, but one thing I do, I am not a man nor am I a genetic woman.

[SuzanneBender]

Wendy great thread. I agree with Renee. For the longest time I wrestled with duality because I saw myself as almost two separate people. Now I realize that this is just me. I am like a Peanut M&M. It takes a mix of all the ingredients on the inside to make the wonderful confectionery treat known as lil ole me:D.

The duality enters concerning the outward expression of me. For over 40 years, actually I stopped counting at 39, I have overtly hid or denied being female in order to conform. Now as I embrace the goodness on the inside I wrestle with the outward expression of the real me. I built a life around maleness and many times a female expression would be totally inappropriate for those situations. I have a choice forsake all of those male situations in order to fully embrace my femininity or deal with duality.

We are the sum of our experiences. Therefore, we are doomed to a life of duality no matter what our outward gender expression.

[Holly]

Yes, it is hard. The important people in my life know and accept both sides of me. I concur with both ReneeT and SuzanneBender. I would forsake my male life and be overtly the person I am inside were it not for my wife. We have lived it the same community over 35 years and in the same house over 25 years. In that time, I have held some rather high profile positions socially and politically. My wife is just not comfortable confronting neighbors and others we know with the knowledge that I am TG and have to explain it to them (even though it is not her responsibility to do so). So, in deference to her, I compartmentalize my life. I don't mind so much and it is really a pretty small price to pay. Like today, I am going to my hairdresser for color, cut, and style. I go there dressed and have for awhile. Today my wife and I are supposed to get our nails done and we usually get them done together (with me in drab). Today, though, I am going dressed because I will be dressed already for my hair appointment and the girls in the nail salon have been wanting to see me dressed for some time now. My wife is hesitant, however because she is afraid there will be some kind of "explanation" from her required so I am going to go earlier, by myself. It's not as if she is ashamed to be seen with me as we have been out to dinner, to amusement parks, all over Las Vegas and many other places with me dressed with never a problem. For whatever reason, she is afraid of what people who know us will think. As long as we are around people who don't know my male past, she is fine. But like I said, duality is a small price to pay for an otherwise accepting and supporting spouse. And I have a hope that at some point, she will overcome her fear. In the meantime, I just have to be careful of which bathroom walk I into :eek:.

[Bethany38]

Yes, it is hard. The important people in my life know and accept both sides of me. I concur with both ReneeT and SuzanneBender. I would forsake my male life and be overtly the person I am inside were it not for my wife. We have lived it the same community over 35 years and in the same house over 25 years. In that time, I have held some rather high profile positions socially and politically. My wife is just not comfortable confronting neighbors and others we know with the knowledge that I am TG and have to explain it to them (even though it is not her responsibility to do so). So, in deference to her, I compartmentalize my life. I don't mind so much and it is really a pretty small price to pay. Like today, I am going to my hairdresser for color, cut, and style. I go there dressed and have for awhile. Today my wife and I are supposed to get our nails done and we usually get them done together (with me in drab). Today, though, I am going dressed because I will be dressed already for my hair appointment and the girls in the nail salon have been wanting to see me dressed for some time now. My wife is hesitant, however because she is afraid there will be some kind of "explanation" from her required so I am going to go earlier, by myself. It's not as if she is ashamed to be seen with me as we have been out to dinner, to amusement parks, all over Las Vegas and many other places with me dressed with never a problem. For whatever reason, she is afraid of what people who know us will think. As long as we are around people who don't know my male past, she is fine. But like I said, duality is a small price to pay for an otherwise accepting and supporting spouse. And I have a hope that at some point, she will overcome her fear. In the meantime, I just have to be careful of which bathroom walk I into :eek:.


Could not have said it better.

[WendyH]

Wow, I appreciate all the thoughtful posts! Like several of you, I don't feel any internal duality, just social duality. One of the situations that stumps me the most is having people who already know me in my male identity introduce themselves to Wendy (now I'm referring to myself as two people again!). I have learned that few people recognize me en femme. But I'm never sure what to do in that situation--I normally just say, "I'm Wendy", flash them a big smile, and trust that they'll eventually figure it out. But maybe I should make it clear who I am straight away. I certainly don't want people to think that I'm trying to fool them.

[NathalieX66]

Hi Wendy,
You hit the nail on the head.
Yes, my avatar on the left says full time duality as if it's some kind of gift....as if I'm saying "yay, look at me!" But sometimes it feels like being in a marriage where the two spouses don't always agree. I am both the husband and wife who occasionally bicker at each other. The reality for me is this kind of conflict will never change, so I accept it, and make the best of life.

One can say that the grass always appears greener on the other side. But truthfully, no matter how many dandelions and weeds I have, the grass where I'm at is sill pretty damn green. Maybe that's not so bad.

[Misti]

Hi Wendy,
Where do I start? I just now added an avatar to express what I feel is inside me, but will most likely never ever see nor manifest. Truthfully, I am surprised at the Join Dates of your "duality" respondees. I don't know why, I just am. I'm in a very precarious situation with my SO (silver anniversary a few months back). Since she does the wash, I can't even openly get into those beloved panties or bras, except very carefully ;-} Duality, I guess. That's why I'm here working on the answers to the problem. Good luck, you seem to be on such a neat path for having joined only in Jan. I should be so lucky. Luck and Love, Misti

[AKAMichelle]

The biggest issue is that the more open you become with yourself, the hardest it is to keep them separate. They become one, but it isn't a smotth blending process.