What to do

[kate dresser]

Hi all Im have an issuse that Im unsure of what to do. I love to dress and my wife knows alittle about me dressing. She dose not approve at all, but she's still wiyh me. We have been married for 15 years and she's known for about 12 years. I dresses at home while my wife worked and the kids were younger. Now that the kids stay up late I have no place to dress. There's a club in TO Ontario called the Wildside, its a club for cds. I explained how I'd like to go and dress. She dose not want me to go in case i know someone. She dose want the kids to find out or be embarassed in any way which I understand. Any suggestions on what to do, should I go and let her be mad or stay home and be depressed ? Any kind of feed back would be great.

[Tomara]

I would suggest a good couples therapist that has experience dealing with gender related issues , with their help maybe your wife will better understand your desires to cross-dress and you will have a better understanding of her feelings and concerns.
Hopefully you can come to a compromise that works for you both.
Best of luck to you both.

[MarinaKirax]

Well, I am in almost the exact same situation. My wife found out about a year ago, and she is still back and forth between wanting to know everything I do (trust issues) and not wanting to know that much about what I do (not that in to the dressing). I also brought up Wildside, but she shut that down right away. Same reasons, and also she fears a bit for my safety. I dont think she understands just how ho-hum it is to see a CD anywhere in downtown, but she thinks I'll be assaulted, recognized immediately. (I do think I would probably fool most people I know, from more than 10 feet away) So right now, I dress at home. I;m hoping to press the boundaries and allow me to go out if I'm away in other cities. Hang in there. MK

[Karren H]

My wife has known for +3 years maybe 4 now and she doesn't want to know. As long as I keep it out of her face she's happy. Ish... And she did not want the kids to know and that's fine.. Business trips have been my savior.. Crossdressing on an expense account is an awesome fringe benefit! :). And taking a day off work locally, doing a quick gender change in unisex restroom and then spend the day out enfemme, shopping and what ever... Getting her pissed off isn't going to help the situation unless your aiming to hit the eject button soon..

[Holly]

Time to sit down and talk to each other. Some things you may want to share with her... if you are at a CD club, who would recognize you? If it's someone you know, why are they there? If the club is too close to home, be willing to travel an hour or so away. Spend the weekend at a hotel and find some kindred spirits. To do this, try looking/posting in the Meeting Place section of this board. Explain to her that you understand her concerns and thank her for looking out for your safety, but you have certain needs as well. Ask her for suggestions that would satisfy her concerns and your needs. And ALWAYS let her know that you would prefer that she be by your side. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you go in defiance of her stated opposition. Work together to find a solution.

[JamieG]

Kate, I am sorry to hear that your wife is not supportive of your dressing. The good news is that since you've been together for 12 years since she found out, it sounds like she still loves you. I think it is completely reasonable for her to worry about what would happen if someone found out you were a CDer and how that information could affect the kids. My wife worries about the same things. You need to get information about the risks and share it with her. I do not know about the Wildside club. Is it a place where you can change on premises? How likely is a co-worker or neighbor to be in the part of town where it's located? If someone saw you enter, would they automatically suspect you were a CDer? Depending on the answers to these questions, it might be quite safe. Remember, if you ran into somebody you knew inside the club, it is unlikely they would go blabbing your secret, since they would have a secret of their own. You could use these points to engage in a discussion with your wife about the risks and how to mitigate them.

If the two of you decide that the risks are unacceptable, maybe you can arrange something where she occasionally takes the kids out of the house, so that you'll have time to dress? In the early years of coming out to my wife, she wanted to have no part of my CDing, but understood that it was something I needed to do. As a result, she would take the kids out of the house for 2-4 hours twice a month. That was a compromise that met both of our needs at the time: I could dress, she didn't have to see it, and the kids wouldn't know.

If your wife understands how difficult not dressing is for you, hopefully she'll be willing to find some sort of compromise. Work with her, and don't just go off and do it on your own, unless you don't care about her feelings and your marriage.

[DonnaT]

Time to sit down and talk to each other. Some things you may want to share with her... if you are at a CD club, who would recognize you? If it's someone you know, why are they there? If the club is too close to home, be willing to travel an hour or so away. Spend the weekend at a hotel and find some kindred spirits. To do this, try looking/posting in the Meeting Place section of this board. Explain to her that you understand her concerns and thank her for looking out for your safety, but you have certain needs as well. Ask her for suggestions that would satisfy her concerns and your needs. And ALWAYS let her know that you would prefer that she be by your side. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you go in defiance of her stated opposition. Work together to find a solution.
:iagree:completely.

I asked my wife to go with me so she could see for herself. Afterwards, even though she didn't care to go, she had little problem with me going alone.

Calmly discuss it with your wife. Let her know how frustrated you are getting.

[Chryl]

maybe you should check out the Xpressions group in Toronto, just google it, they have a SO section and some support as well.