Male and Female reactions

[Louise C]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone has experienced the same responses as i got when telling people about my transsexualism.
I found most females were full of empathy and asked about how i'd kept it hidden all these years and how did i cope, etc, whereas most males i told seemed to be more preoccupied with the fact that i must want to sleep with men otherwise why would i want to be a woman? This may sound crazy but it was a very common thing. It took a fair bit of explaining at times that it wasn't really about the sexual activity, but how you feel inside your head and body.....I do live in a fairly small community though, so trans-people are not very common.
It didn't really bother me, but did get me thinking....

[My Lady Marsea]

I've found like almost no problem with women, as long as they aren't related or "vested" in you directly IE: wife, SO, GF. Men who are minimally somewhat open minded and don't consider me a threat or wutever I have no problems with and some have even commented that I have more ba--s than they for coming out as I have. My biggest problem has like so totally been those men who have way too much testosterone or wutever I guess coursing thru them and don't even want to hear it or those who are, I guess, insecure in their masculinity/relationship and flat forbid their wife or wutever to be girlfriends with the likes of me. Hey for those I say their loss...not mine. I have found far more accepting than not in my little day to day life as the girl I am.

[CharleneT]

You're experiencing the normal average reactions alright ! Women in general are more receptive to gender changes. It does take all kinds to make a world, so you'll find examples of every stripe on both sides of the gender aisle ;) Men feel more "threat" from gender changes, especially in the MTF direction.

edit: this picture gets passed around a lot, now seems like one of those good moments to pull it out ! It isn't just that women are more accepting, they are many splendored !!

[SherylynJade]

None of my guy friends that I've told so far have asked me if I'm into guys, and so far, almost all the girls i've told have said there so happy for me and glad to know this part of me.

[Louise C]

Good point, i did find that my wife (understandably), wifes best friends, and some friends my side were really shitty with me about it.
However, as i'm sure alot of you have found, some really good friends and allies have appeared from the most unlikely corners. Those are the moments when i have felt really happy.

[SuzanneBender]

I think it has to do with the proportion of puppy dogs tails to sugar and spice and ever thing nice. :heehee:

I think it comes down to male privilege. Guys don't want to admit it, but they have it pretty darn good even in today's modern world of purported equality. For a woman I think it has to do with honest to goodness empathy and the fact that we are opting to step away from that privilege to be who we really are.

To men it a whole different story. I had a gentlemen strike up a conversation with me while waiting for a flight one day. During the conversation this seemingly well educated middle age professional expressed to me that "for the life of him he couldn't figure out why any guy would want to be woman." At that moment I realized in our modern world misogyny isn't dead and many of the attitudes on the show Mad Men are alive and well. Trans women strike at those key archetypes that still form the male Psyche.

I would be interested in the reaction to our Trans Men brethren from both male and female cisgender.

[ReineD]

At that moment I realized in our modern world misogyny isn't dead and many of the attitudes on the show Mad Men are alive and well.


Is it misogyny, or is this man simply happy with his gender and cannot imagine wanting to change it? I am not misandrist, I fully respect and support F2Ms for expressing who they are, but I also cannot imagine myself as a man since I'm not wired that way.

Lots of people use general terms when they describe themselves. It's a question of not being able to put themselves in other people's shoes.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Don't you know we are the new "lepers" of the world?

[Faith_G]

I think what it comes down to is empathy. It's easy for a cis-woman to empathize with an M2F TS, all she has to do is imagine how she would feel if she had a male body but still felt like a woman inside. It's harder for a cis-man, not because they can't empathize, but because when they empathize they put themselves in our place and they start thinking about Mr. Happy getting re-arranged and start feeling all queasy inside. I've found wih most guys that if I take the time to explain that there are also F2M TS people, and that instead trying to put himself in my place he should try to empathize with a trans-man instead. I ask him to imagine how he would feel if he woke up one morning with a female body. Now instead of thinking about Mr. Happy getting turned inside out, Mr. Happy has disappeared completely and the panicked feeling works in favor of empathy and understanding. :D

[Jorja]

Back in the days when I had to explain it, most women were full of empathy and understanding. Most men turned white and screamed and ran off never to be seen again. There were some guys that accepted it and life went on as normal. Yes, you will have new friends come from places you never imagined before. You will also have thoes that you thought you could count on the most stab you in the back.

[dilane]

One reaction I got from a woman was "Why would you want to give up your power?"

Who knows, that theme may be behind some of the acceptance -- we're willing to give something up to join their team ...

[AnonyMouse]

From everyone who wasn't a close relative, the reaction has pretty much been "meh, whatever." I think guys are less likely to take my claims of trans-dom seriously (the "I know what a real man is and you're not it" effect?) but other than that I haven't seen much difference. I haven't had a lot of experience, though, and I'm sure it's different for a FTM than for a MTF.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Louise, I would say that I have had part of what you found but not all. Talking toa GG 2 nights ago, the conversation got round to my transition, and she was deeply concerned by what I had been through. I spoke to an bloke about the same topic that sameevening adn his response was "It must have taken guts to take the step to transition, I hope you feel better for it".

Around where I live, a neighbour asked me to promise him to let him know if I was having a rough time or anyone was hassling me. Some former colleagues who I really di dnot expect to understand have contacted me privately to offer any help they can.

At the very beginning of my coming out, a few people (men and women) asked about the sexuality but almost as an afterthought. Only one bloke got into the business of what happens after the operation and I just let him get on with it.

[Karen564]

I'm excluding family here, because that's dealing more with emotional factors than anything...
I have to say that most all of the women that I have discussed this with have been beyond understanding......most are curious about the bottom surgery & cost & their reactions have all been cool (wonderful) really. But I don't go around telling everybody about my past gender. & as time has gone on, it's hardly ever discussed....And that has felt great for me to reach that point. Life goes on & moves forward & that's the way I like it.
As far as the men go that knew me before I transitioned, they are pretty put off about the whole idea/thing, which I can fully understand why they feel that way..And as far as guy's that didn't know me before transition, like when I was dealing with my whole name change thing everywhere, were rather bewildered / confused at the idea too, but that only happened after I handed over documents showing my old name/sex..(but those were only a few men), the other men I've dealt with when I had to disclose my past status prior to before things get intimate has been mixed 50/50 after the shock wears off....then of course there are the tranny chasers I need to deal with sometimes that see & contact me on the internet..but they know what their getting into..so there's not much to discuss there.

[Stephenie S]

For goodness sake, why would you want to be telling ANY one about this. You are what you are. You are a woman? Well then ACT like one.

OK, this is a bit snotty. Sorry. But really now. Women don't go around telling others about their gender. They just ARE. Are you transitioning into a trannie? Or are you transitioning into a woman? Take your pick.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

no women don't, but they also don't spend their first xx years making everyone think of them as guys..

every guy i knew as a guy asked me about my sexuality..every one..

women i've talked to barely bring it up..

as I get out in the world and meet new people, what i've found is that men take almost any friendly gesture as a very welcome thing, and that nearly every woman that i've known for more than 30 minutes mentioned her boyfriend or her husband.

[Faith_G]

For goodness sake, why would you want to be telling ANY one about this. You are what you are. You are a woman? Well then ACT like one.

OK, this is a bit snotty. Sorry. But really now. Women don't go around telling others about their gender. They just ARE. Are you transitioning into a trannie? Or are you transitioning into a woman? Take your pick.WTF? I kinda had to explain transitioning to the people who knew me before. I don't know what planet you are from, but a lot of people I knew had a lot of questions for me when I transitioned.

[PortiaHoney]

Well. Here we are. 6 months full time. Generally accepted as a woman so I find I don't have to explain a lot. I also know a lot of people from my days as a guy who now accept me as a woman.

I used to explain to people I knew I would be spending a lot of time with that I was transitioning from male to female as many would pick up on the fact that something wasn't quite right with the picture, be it the voice or just a bad day. So, Stephenie, I did let people know but it wasn't because I was transtioning into a "trannie". It was because I was considerate of how they may have felt. A lot of people do have questions and many more just go "oh, OK then" and leave it at that.

I have found that I get/got mixed reactions from both genders but women are generally more accepting. Maybe it's because I was joining their team. A few were jealous because I got to be a woman but not have to deal with periods or pregnancy or even needing sex from men. Men, on the other hand, generally would just go quiet on me after telling them. Most avoid the subject and are happiest just to relate to me with the same regard they have for any woman, but without the sexual overtones. But some would think I was some kind of novelty to be pursued, but for all the wrong reasons.

Now, I'm just another woman amoungst all the other women of the world. I don't tell and I don't get asked. I think it is all just part of the transitioning process and how we see ourselves. And, if we are lucky and have done most things correctly, the world will see us for who we are and not what we are.

[gretchen2]

I always wanted to be a Leper.

[morgan51]

So far all my "true" friends have been very accepting many ask the sex questions I think that is only to be expected. Many see me as a leper but those aren't my true friends.

[Stephenie S]

I always wanted to be a Leper.

There you go. Wasn't that easy?

Speaking though of "trannies". It is a common mistake that MANY, MANY, make. In the beginning you are SO excited about it all and you are SO full of positive feelings, and SO willing to talk the ear off of anyone who will listen to you about your transition.

Then as time goes on, you find yourself wanting more and more to be just left alone to live the life you have always wanted, that of "just a woman". You don't WANT to be a trannie any more. You just want to be a woman. At that point you may discover that all those who you included in your transition excitement in the beginning are now a liability. THEY all knew you when you "came out". It's awfully hard for THEM to switch AGAIN, and now view you as the woman you are instead of the trannie you once were.

This, of course, is hindsight. But please try to open your minds to some advice from afar. PLEASE. The fewer people you tell, the fewer people will haunt you later. Many people find they have to change jobs at that point. Move on to where they don't know your past. Otherwise your circle of friends will always include at least one who will remark, "Oh yeah, Ginnie. She's a good girl. Did you know she used to be a man?" Oops! And then it starts all over again.

My advice? Tell NO ONE. Of course this is impossible. Your doctors will know. Your therapist will know. Your family will know. And so on. But keep it to an absolute minimum. The fewer the better is a good rule that will serve you well in the future. I know it's hard to think about while you are in the throes of transition, but one day you too will have a future. And the less that future is cluttered up with ghosts of your past, the better.

Stephie

[Karen564]

WTF? I kinda had to explain transitioning to the people who knew me before. I don't know what planet you are from, but a lot of people I knew had a lot of questions for me when I transitioned.

I was thinking the same thing Faith....guess some don't have to deal with people they knew before transition...
I didn't have a choice either, it's pretty hard to avoid when you live in a small town & everyone knows you...
Many people I knew came to me, so what else could I say...I'm only a figment of your imagination? ..lol

[Stephenie S]

Geez girls, don't argue with me. I'm not just blowing steam here. I'm trying to help. Please just consider my advice. Just think about it. I have heard all your arguments many times. And I do know what I'm talking about.

S

[Hope]

My advice? Tell NO ONE. Of course this is impossible. Your doctors will know. Your therapist will know. Your family will know. And so on. But keep it to an absolute minimum. The fewer the better is a good rule that will serve you well in the future. I know it's hard to think about while you are in the throes of transition, but one day you too will have a future. And the less that future is cluttered up with ghosts of your past, the better.

Hmmm... "One day" I will have a future? I have a future today.

And I tend to think that running away from, or denying, or hiding your past is a rather sure-fire way to make that future a miserable place to live in.

I certainly don't have your experience, but I would make a pretty big bet that the solution to the problem you describe isn't to run and hide from who you are, but rather to love yourself for who you are.

[Stephenie S]

Just what I am talking about Hope.

I listen to so many who strongly maintain exactly what you are saying. There is nothing WRONG with this point of view. Many keep and hold it strongly. I am not trying to change you. If this is what you want, go for it.

What I AM trying to say (hmmm, I've already said). Well, let's see, Of COURSE you have a future now. I meant some day you will be IN that future. I listen to many transwomen who say the same thing. "How can I deny my past?" You can't of course, it's there.

BUT, some day, next month? Next year? I dunno. You will begin to want to move on. My OP said "Women don't go around talking about their gender". But trannies do. When you are deep in the throes of transition you are PROUD and HAPPY about finally being able to be who you always knew you were inside. It's wonderful. You tell everyone who will listen all about it. You seek out other transwomen. You spend hours on support forums. You are EXCITED about it all.

But eventually you will want to begin to LIVE that life you always wanted. A woman at last. But women don't DO all those things. Women don't talk about their gender at all. They just ARE. They just are women. When you are carrying a long list of friends and acquaintances who know all about you, it's a bit more difficult to move beyond the transitional stage and into the post transitional stage.

You don't HAVE to do it this way. Many are out and proud for ever. Good for them, really. But every time you "come out" to another person, you are investing that person with the knowledge of your transition. Someday that might come back to haunt you. The fewer that know, the easier your life will be in the future.

It's a simple concept really. I never meant you HAD to do it my way. I was just trying to open a few minds to a different (and I think better) way of doing it. Yes, TELL NO ONE is my advice. Is this possible? No, it's not. But it's a good goal to shoot for. If no one knew, think how easy your life would be. The fewer who know, the better! Always!

And really, Hope, my life and my future isn't a miserable place at all. Honest. It's chock full of joy and love! There isn't a single negative aspect of it at all.

JMHO,
S

[Louise C]

Stephenie, i hear you. I think you're probably right. I understand what you're telling us and maybe if i could turn the clock back, i would have been a bit less willing to talk to people about it.
It is difficult for me not to though, as i'm really well known where i am, and my transition is (by my choice) taking a fair amount of time so people still see me as a man or possibly just more androgenous. One guy told his wife that he thought i was in "no mans land, at the moment". And i sort of see his point. These people that have known me for years are seeing me change and there's nothing i can do about it. The best i can hope for if i choose not to move away, is that they finally get fed up with discussing me and just accept me. It would be great to lock myself away and not let anyone see me until it's done but i have to go to work everyday and also face all the customers and friends who call in.
What i've noticed with my work colleagues is a definite loss in interest about what is happening and they don't ask anymore, they just accept me as transitioning, and that's that. Which is a good feeling. I do however have to admit that sometimes it feels strange that they don't speak about it and i think to myself "well, this is it - just get on with your life, and stop trying to be the tranny."
My lovely lady who does my electrolysis has told me that she and the girls stopped thinking of me as male many months ago and that i was actually a lot more feminine than some of the GG clients. It's little things like that that keep my confidence levels up.

I don't know how the future will go for me, i'm fairly open to new things and i accept that i am not able to change my past mistakes and so will just have to deal with the consequences as they happen.

[Melody Moore]

I certainly don't run away & hide anymore and certainly don't think that Transsexuals are lepers in society at all.

Thanks to the internet and the fact that some very courageous people have been prepared to stand up & be counted before me that attitudes are changing.

I find most women to be very accepting and supportive of me, I often get told by women
'Good on you for being so courageous to stand up for yourself & live your life as your true self'.

Some men are homo/transphobic but they are the ignorant few.... but I'm finding that a lot of en can
be just as equally curious and also very supportive, but there less of this with males than females.

I love nothing better than to challenge the few ignorant people still left in society and believe me, after a confrontation with me, their attitudes are most certainly changed for the better. I believe this ignorance only exists because theyve never known anyone who was a transsexual who had the courage to look them straight in the face & give them a few straight answers. Far too many transsexuals hide or go in stealth mode far too often and this does absolutely nothing to change those few ignorant attitudes. I dont advertise the fact or make it obvious that I am a transsexual but sometimes I might get a curious look or comment when I'm talking to someone because my voice sometimes gives me away. But rather than run away from it, I might say 'Yeah, Im a transsexual female, so is there a problem I can help you with?' Either they will want to know more or pull their tails between their legs and run away.

I've even thinking of doing a media release with the local newspaper to help educate my local community even similar to what my house-mate Robyn Stott (http://www.cairns.com.au/article/2009/10/31/73405_lifestyle.html) done a year ago. This is the type of thing that will change attitudes improve gender services & anti-discrimination laws and also pave the way for others who follow in our footsteps.

[Stephenie S]

Sweetie, The leper thing was just Gretchen making a joke.

Someday you may find that being a trannie is not the most important thing in the world. Some of us just want to be women.

S

[Traci Elizabeth]

The Leper comment was a lighthearted joke. Some gals really need to relax and not take things so seriously all the time! :2c:

[Karen564]

Someday you may find that being a trannie is not the most important thing in the world. Some of us just want to be women.

S

I agree...

Think it's just part of the transition process that many have to go through, eventually most realize that sooner or later....

[Hope]

But eventually you will want to begin to LIVE that life you always wanted. A woman at last. But women don't DO all those things. Women don't talk about their gender at all. They just ARE. They just are women. When you are carrying a long list of friends and acquaintances who know all about you, it's a bit more difficult to move beyond the transitional stage and into the post transitional stage.

Well, I am hardly going to wait until some time in the future to start living life. I have already given up enough years of my life to the trans-shame boogyman. I'm going to live now thanks.

But my real issue is this: I am supposed to go through all the trouble of transition, and then go back to hiding and hoping that no one finds out that I am trans? No thank you. So what if one of my friends tells another one of my friends that I am trans? I'm not ashamed of myself, and I am not going back into the closet. If someone else is ashamed of me, that is their issue, not mine, and I am more than happy to let the bigots self select themselves for the "no-longer-friends-with-me" category. I don't know go around talking to everyone I meet about gender issues NOW, because you are right - most folks have the luxury of not caring. Why should I expect that to change?

Who cares if someone knows I am trans? I don't hate myself enough (anymore) to think that it is something that needs to be hidden. Why do you?

[Stephenie S]

Dear Hope,

I think I did already say you didn't have to do things MY way. Of course you can do whatever you want. And I'm sure you don't hate yourself. Why do you assume that I hate myself? Come on girl, lighten up.

I know many who consider that stealth is just another closet. Have you watched the film, "Beautiful Daughters"? That's what that whole movie is all about. Transwomen "coming out" of the closet of stealth. I have already said that as far as I am concerned, you can do and act just as you wish.

LISTEN hon, I am JUST trying to open a few minds to a DIFFERENT point of view. THAT'S ALL. PLEASE give me the respect I am giving you. I don't hate myself. We don't ALL have to be "out and proud". As a matter of fact, many, many, transwomen eventually find that they just want to be left alone to blend in and BE who they have always known they were, just WOMEN. That's a perfectly acceptable goal, just as acceptable as being "out and proud". This may happen to you, or it may not. Whatever you decide, now or in the future, it's OK by me.

There is no issue of self hate inherent in this. I'm a woman. Period. End of story. I DON'T hate myself at all. Just the opposite. I have never been happier. I've been through all of this already. And NOW, I think I'm done.

Stephie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Steph..
..everybody here basically had the same kneejerk negative reaction to your first post...including me..hehe

i think your point is totally valid, but it didnt come out at all in your original reply...

[Faith_G]

Oh Stephie, we love it when you talk down to us!

I am with you on not telling the whole world I'm TS. But I transitioned in place and more than a few people noticed, and I feel obligated to educate those who already know my past and are interested in my story. Perhaps they will view the next trans person they meet with a little more understanding and compassion. Outside that arena, I am just another woman. The people at the laundromat and the grocery store and the gas station don't need to know anything more.

It's not your message that irks me, it's your tone.

[pamela_a]

Perhaps it's my outlook and attitude coloring it but I didn't read Stephenie's initial comments as anything but frustrated, I know I am. I keep wondering if there is something I'm missing in my transition.

I've been full time just over a year. I transitioned at the job I've had for 11 years now. I transitioned with my family, including a now 18 year old son and all of his friends. Stealth? Hiding? not a chance. The professional networking sites on which I'm a member saw my picture and first name change when I transitioned but that's all.

Yet I feel like I'm being accused of being one of the "evil stealth" and not supporting "the community" because I'm not out wearing a huge sign that says I'm trans. The people who were around me and needed to know all know. To the rest of the world I'm happy being just another woman in the crowd. If for some reason I'm asked about it I don't deny it but I certainly see nothing positive to advertising it.

What I fail to understand is the mindset of some people. They let being transsexual define who they are. Everything they do or say is trans related. They refuse to go anywhere that isn't confirmed "trans friendly". All of their activities seem to revolve around being trans. I'm a woman who also happens to be transsexual. I live my life as any other woman would. I work, shop, take care of my home and family. I live my life as the woman I am and I expect to be treated as such. I'm not above setting some idiot straight and find a good discussion enjoyable (I fortunately also have the ability to become a 1st class bitch too if necessary).

If you feel the need or desire to live your life with a "I'm Trans" sign around your neck feel free. I just refuse to let being trans define who I am.

[Stephenie S]

OK, guys.

Here's a blanket apology. I know I can sound cranky at times. I don't mean it at all. Sorry. I've just been around this stuff for a LONG time (30+ years) and sometimes I get more impatient than I should be. I'm only trying to help.

Stephie