I told her.

[Leanne2]

Three months ago my wife and I were arguing about why I insisted on wearing my hair in such a feminine style. She kept badgering me until I admitted that I was more than a cross dresser. She got quiet and asked me to explain what I meant by that. Then I told her that I was trans gendered. She didn't know what that meant so I explained it to her. Then I told her that I had planned on never telling her my secret but now the cat was out of the bag.
I felt really bad because this revelation shocked her to her core. She sobbed and said that this changes everything. She didn't think that she could make love with me any more.
Since then I have started gender counciling. I ordered the book True Selves and read it. Now my wife is reading it. She is trying to understand all of this but it is so hard for her. My therapist gave me a test. The average TS scores 12 and I scored a 13. I don't want a divorce. We have been married 36 years. She doesn't know if we can make it work. I would be devastated without her.
I know that this is the same story for many of you. How did you make your marriage work, if it did. I need your input and your prayers. Leanne

[Melody Moore]

You have to be prepared to let her go if you really love her, trying harder to hang on to her will only push her further away. She needs time to work things through and she needs time to herself without pressure to do that. You have to also respect & accept that fact if she ends the marriage now there is nothing you can really do - just try your best to stay good friends.

I ended my relationship with my girlfriend a couple of months before I started transitioning. After I started on hormones & was living full-time as a female that is when I got back in touch with my girlfriend and told her what was going on, she didn't believe it at first, so I arranged over the phone to go out to see her face to face and presented myself to her as my true self. She was shocked, so then I didn't contact her or go near her for over week. Then I dropped in one day on the spur of the moment while I was passing her place and noticed another friends car there. Our other friend had no idea about my transitioning. When I walked in our friend's jaw dropped on the floor. My girlfriend said 'Now you know how I felt'. Our friend told my girlfriend although he was shocked he thought what I was doing was a very good thing and very courageous to be living as my true self.

My girlfriend started getting over her shock from that point and started to accept me as a friend again. A couple of weeks later I took her out one night to a GLBT friendly event and this was the first time ever she got to socialise with other gay & lesbian people. A lot of people showed us support, but another lesbian girl started showing me attention and my girlfriend got jealous and told the other lesbian girl 'Hands off Melody, she's mine'. My girlfriend was straight before this and this was a good sign because it showed me she still had lots of feelings for me and was also willing to start exploring her sexual boundaries.

My girlfriend told me later that she loved me & respected me more for being so upfront and honest and having the courage to stand up for what I believe in and for giving her ample time & space to deal with her own feelings over my transitioning. Later that night we finished up back in each other's arms. We don't live together anymore but we are the best of friends and have a better relationship than ever now as lesbians... this far exceeds anything I ever expected. We see each other every day and have a good time being true friends. She is now at a stage where she loves me more as a woman than she did as a man & doesn't want me to ever go back to being a male. I wont anyway. We get intimate now on average of about once or twice a week & that suits both of us. If I expected anymore than that, I think that would be very selfish of me. I have to respect her and give her the space she needs when she wants it - if I don't & I pressured her then I feel I will lose her for good.

[Inna]

No triumphant story from me, and they didn't live happily forever after :-) My marriage fell apart even before I came to my own transition, however majority of conditions have driven us apart were instigated by my transsexuality within my subconscious. I never truly felt a MAN and it showed in my actions, I was too cuddly, soft, shy, quiet and definitely not a warrior type.
We all walk the path leading to place in time when we must release the demon onto the open and take first real breath of Truth. It is as exhilarating as it is frighting but nevertheless it is the truth. There are those whom we cherish and love beyond our selves but in reality unless we allow our selves to be true we can not love another with pure, wholesome love. So to love unconditionally is to be true to them and to let them go to realize whom we truly are. They may go and comeback or we may never see their love again but that is the essence of true love, sometimes we must feel the pain to feel alive.
My hopes are that she will see you as you truly are and decide to embrace your soul for the first time and begin shearing in your love, pure and real and wholesome.

[Sandra]

Maybe suggest that she join this forum and apply to join FAB we have a few SO's in there who are married/in relationships with TS's including myself.

I really hope the two of you can work this out.

[Eileen]

Melody thank you for sharing your story!

Eileen

[kym]

I would follow melody's advice and let her go, give her time and see what happens. If she truly loves you then she will come around, if not then you are better off in the long run. So sorry to hear that you are having difficulties though, I will keep you in my prayers sweetie.

[Areyan]

i think it was foolish of you to come out during an argument, unless i read wrong. Melody is right about being prepared to lose your partner... if you were not prepared for this outcome then telling her this way was a big mistake. i don't have any advice for you apart from gather around all the friends you think may help you through this... sorry, but telling someone you're trans during an argument is the cruelest way to do it and it won't help your wife at all with accepting you.

after this many decades of marriage she deserved a much better way of finding out than this. i hope she forgives you as it sounds like you love her very much and realise the gravity of your situation. if you are TS then this could be the end of your marriage anyway... my relationship ended over it because my TS partner lost interest in the relationship - she was so into herself and her dreams that anything we shared together was dead to her and she lost me in the process. now that i find myself on the other side of the fence i no longer care about those old dreams either. life has a funny way of working out....

good luck :thumbsup:

[Traci Elizabeth]

Your wife reading True Selves is a good start. I am very lucky to have a very supportive loving wife who stands by me. In fact, our relationship is even better since I came out to her. But there are always some difficulties in Paradise. My wife still feels awkward when we are in public together. We use to walk hand-in-hand or our arms around each others' waist while walking in public. She is not ready for that as she sees it as two lesbians embracing in public and she is not ready to be viewed that way. She is improving in being together in public and "momentary" touching. But my point of telling you this is that as others have said, give your wife time and space and don't force anything on her or it will most definitely backfire on you.

I wish both of you continued love for each other. Sustaining love that will bridge this test of courage for each of you.

[CharleneT]

I would not write off the marriage just yet. Your wife is in shock and there will be a more than one "phase" to it. I agree that trying to get her to join here could help. I also agree - completely - the keeping a marriage together thru a gender transition is very difficult. BUT it is not impossible and there can be great rewards if you do. There are wonderful examples of that here in fact. As well as your thread, I would seek out some of the couples here and talk to them privately about how things went for them.

A lot of what is "transition" can be quite lonely, if you've a chance to have someone to love and support you I would seriously consider putting a lot of effort into trying to make that a reality.

[ReineD]

I'll echo Sandra. Your wife may be able to get beyond the new developments in your self-identification and expression, and there are GGs in FAB who can help. :)

Do you plan to take hormones, eventually live FT, and perhaps have SRS? Are you TS?

Your wife may or may not be able to follow you along your path, but one thing to keep in mind is that your needs may also change once you begin to realign your physical body. You may also eventually wish to change the nature of your relationship with your wife.

There was a one hour special on ABC about a family who did stay together after the TS transitioned, out of the love they share and also for the kids, although the couple became platonic. At first this was because the wife was not sexually attracted to her husband as a woman, but in the end, Chloe also began to think about being with men.

When Dad Becomes Mom - The Chloe Prince Story Part 1 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfPdP9J6X2A)

You can click above the video to access parts 2 - 6.

[Karen564]

There was a one hour special on ABC about a family who did stay together after the TS transitioned, out of the love they share and also for the kids, although the couple became platonic. At first this was because the wife was not sexually attracted to her husband as a woman, but in the end, Chloe also began to think about being with men.

When Dad Becomes Mom - The Chloe Prince Story Part 1 of 6 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfPdP9J6X2A)

You can click above the video to access parts 2 - 6.

Reine,
Unfortunately all that has since changed.....Chole is no longer with her spouse & has found another TS woman to be with......
Even Chloe being Post Op for a while has recently discovered/admitted that she never really completely Transitioned (meaning in the mind) until recently... (this happens when one moves so quickly though the process to change their body, hrt, etc, that it takes a while for the mind to catch up.)
As I've said on this site many times, once you start down this path & start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, things change far more than you ever dreamed they could.

[ReineD]

once you start down this path & start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, things change far more than you ever dreamed they could.

It's my observation as well, not only reading posts here from TSs, but also on other support sites.

[Leanne2]

Thank you everyone. So far we are just taking one day at a time. I can't change the past but I'm trying as hard as I can to keep the stress level as low as possible. And thank you all for your good advice. It's nice to know that someone cares. Leanne

[Melody Moore]

I would not write off the marriage just yet. Your wife is in shock and there will be a more than one "phase" to it.

Thats is exactly right Charlene, I think it goes something like this SHOCK - UNDERSTANDING - ACCEPTANCE - REFLECTION.

After getting over the initial shock the wife will need to understand why her partner is transitioning before she can do that she need time to get over the shock and they can only do that themselves. Forcing a partner to try and understand transitioning can have some very dire consequences. I most certainly would not be giving her a copy of 'True Selves' at this point of time because it sounds of things she isn't ready to try and understand anything and there is a huge risk that she might run away & never understand.

Time & Space are vital in these processes, especially when it comes to the shock phase when the whole issue with a transitioning partner is all new to the other partner. While the recommendation to join this forum has some merit it could also have the same effect as trying to force a partner to read a copy of 'True Selves' before the wife is ready to do start to understand anything. Understanding is also hard, but the acceptance phase is even much more difficult to cope with than the initial shock & understanding phases. Just because your partner understands, there are no guarantees that they will accept it.

Acceptance comes in a variety of shades - everything from total acceptance, to partial acceptance to no acceptance it at all. If there isn't total acceptance then it is highly unlikely the wife will ever accept her partner in a serious relationship. If there is only a partial acceptance, then the best you can hope for is to remain good friends. If they totally accept or partially accept their partner's transitioning then the wife more than likely start reflecting on her own emotions, considering her marriage, her own sexuality and their intimacy with their partner one they become a female and again this all takes time & space to examine. This is the point where the wife will decide on the future of their relationship and the transitioning partner has to be prepared to step back and give their wife the time & space in order to do that as with the other phases the wife will go through.

There are never any guarantees that anything will work out and a transitioning partner will be only kidding themselves to believe otherwise.
Remember this if you really love your partner... If you love someone or something, set it free, if it comes back to you, its yours if it doesn't, it never was."

[Sejd]

Hi Leanne
I am writing this response before reading any of the other responses you might have gotten. I have been in the same situation as you since I am a TG also. At first my SO was 100% behind me, then after a couple of years when I started to talk about hormones, it became clear to her that it would be the end of our marriage. I, like you can look back at 30 years of partnership, and there was no way in the world that I wanted to loose my partner and split up with kids and family. As time went by, my wife and I worked out the situation. I respect that she does not want to be public with me (after all, how can I ask of her to become lesbian???) but she accepts my femaleness when I need it at home and with close friends. whenever she sees that I get stressed she will say: Comeon, go and put on a skirt and relax it that's what you need :0) She accepts that i walk out in public as a women when she's out of town, and overall gives me a lot of free space around it without loosing "her man". I decided not to go the hormone way because I believe, after all, a good marriage deserves some sacrifices from both sides. If there is any way you can work it out with her do it! Would a new life really make up for 35 years of a good marriage? I really doubt that, or I should say, I was not able to put myself totally first and tell my family "you are on your own". Every one are different, we all struggle with this especially if we are in good and honnest relationships. But i think it is important to look at the whole picture and not just on your own desires. Then again, I might be very old fasioned, so what!!! Good luck, hope my 25 cent of advice is helpful to you. :0)

[ChristiesGurl]

Hi Melody,


My girlfriend told me later that she loved me & respected me more for being so upfront and honest and having the courage to stand up for what I believe in and for giving her ample time & space to deal with her own feelings over my transitioning. Later that night we finished up back in each other's arms. We don't live together anymore but we are the best of friends and have a better relationship than ever now as lesbians... this far exceeds anything I ever expected. We see each other every day and have a good time being true friends. She is now at a stage where she loves me more as a woman than she did as a man & doesn't want me to ever go back to being a male. I wont anyway. We get intimate now on average of about once or twice a week & that suits both of us. If I expected anymore than that, I think that would be very selfish of me. I have to respect her and give her the space she needs when she wants it - if I don't & I pressured her then I feel I will lose her for good.

Wow. That's fantastic.

I am trying to come to terms with so many aspects of my relationship. Like your girlfriend, I am more in love with Christie than I am with her male self. I have struggled with this, asking myself if I am gay, not that that would be a "bad" thing, but I have realized I'm not interested in GG's, just male CD/TS/TG/DQ. I am fine with being an "in public" lesbian, but so far, I have not been able to be brave enough to ask her to go out on a date with me, which is something I want very much. As a boy, I identify him as my bf/bff and honor our relationship as my primary relationship. As a boy he is affectionate, but we are not physically intimate and have not discussed the possibilities. Things are new for both of us and I am trying to give him space to find how he feels about my acceptance (something he hasn't had outside of the DQ community) and love of his female side. We have talked about how she gives him a chance to have feelings he might not be able to express as a boy and that she rounds out our relationship.

I am so glad that your relationship seems to be working out for you when you thought it might not. It seems from your post you are very happy. :-) It must be great to be yourself and find that acceptance! It's something I'm striving to give my guy, but I must admit I'm a little selfish, I need and want to see his female self more!