RachelDee
11-02-2010, 08:49 PM
I hope its ok, but really feel like i have to do or say something. This is kind of a large vent of my feelings/thoughts at the moment.
This is probably going to end up quite long (sorry!)..
Approx 5 years ago (almost the the month really) I went through a bit of a 'crisis' in my life. Most of that time is a bit of a blur to me, probably because i willfully tried to forget about it as best i could until recently. Bare with me, i need to explain a bit of boring background story i think
-- Backstory --
I'd say id always been curious about crossdressing really, and seemingly from a young age. Even if in later years id forgotten about or not acted upon the urge - Not really sure what the attraction was, it just stirred something up inside me.
My parents used to embarrass me with stories between family, about what i did when i was younger, wearing my mothers clothes (talking when i was very little, 5? 6?)... and evidently I used to come home from school, get get undressed, and wear my mothers lingerie (her words, i was only young so dont remember much about it). My mother must have been ok with this then, well its ok when you are little i suppose? Yes though, such stories always made me blush and uncomfortable, and try to change the subject when they came up asap.
Most of my adult and school life ive never really 'fit in'. I was never 'one of the guys' if you know what i mean. Not into sports (hated them, especially football) and was not very masculine build wise. I didnt get into fights, infact i was the opposite. I'd say i was quite over sensative really (which made me a great big target...). I had sort of friends, but i always felt out of place (not gender wise btw, just in general. At this point i had no clue what a Gender Identity Disorder even was....).
After leaving school, I devloped an anxiety disorder. Which stopped me from doing the things that everyone else my age would do normally (college/socialize etc). For a while i didnt really know know what it was, and nor did my parents. So i lived with it, with no treatment for a number of years and it got worse and worse. I always thought i was just 'strange' or 'different' for finding things harder than everyone else and feeling anxiety etc but after looking things up on the internet i found out i was not alone... which was a big relief.
I did eventually get up the courage to see a doctor and was diagnosed. Unfortunatly my condition did not get better, infact before it got better it got very much worse. I was at a state where i was not even leaving the house for months on end (due to this condition). Waiting for therapy (waiting lists etc) which i did eventually get in the form of a therapist but i did not find the sessions really helped, and i meerly went to them because i didnt know what else to do (either go to some sort of therapy or not... was not much of a choice).
It was around this time that something 'clicked' on. Perhaps it was the isolated + anxiety that made me want an escape? or a solution? I dont know. But for the first time since i was young (well apart one single teen incident where i was in a situation to try this without much risk of being found out..) i actually experimented with crossdressing.
The problem was, i liked it. Too much. I felt like it opened a floodgate, and there were many powerful feelings and emotions (good and bad ones). All very very confusing. Since i was now older, had my own money etc, i was able to buy my own things -- However i was still living at home. This raised certain questions about the constant arrival of parcels for me :S and i manged to excuse the majority (or collect the mail before anyone else). I found myself not just wanting to dress (there was a sexual component to this btw which made me feel deeply guilty and shameful --hope its ok to say that) like a female but to change my appearance. I felt deeply envious of girls. I wanted to emulate them/be like them. I found a great deal of frustration and distress in how my body and face looked (male and not female).
This is probably what got me noticed the most. When you start trying to look more femine ppl closest too you kind of notice. Between time, i found this forum and conversed with some friendly and helpful people (and a big thankyou for that). It was nice to find that i was not totally alone... Still though i needed to talk to someone closer to me. I confided in my sister (even though i really didnt want any family to know until id sorted out what this all was).
Unfortunatly id still not quite worked out my thoughts and feelings when my family, being really concerned about what was going on, decided to ask me head on. Worst times ever. This happened just before Christmas..... My mother opened some of my mail by mistake, finding female clothing inside, and my name on the reciept. I tried to claim it as a mistake by the company but i dont think she really believe it. My mother actually thought i was gay.... and thats what the big secret was. I think she'd have liked that more than me telling her that i wanted to be female.
My father got depressed, my mother cried (often) and when the dust settled there were lots of awkwardness. My sister was supportive but i knew she was shocked (though she assumed i was gay when i first told her lol.... im kinda offended that there was such a concensus that i was going to reveal i was gay :eek:). I really didnt want this to come out like it had though, it was private. I wanted to get it sorted it out in my head what was going on 110%. I went to see my GP and explained to her my feelings and thoughts, and she told me to look up Gender Identity Disorder and come back to her.... I remember my parents had an appointment at the same time and she told me they had asked her questions about what i was going to talk to her about.
I never went back. I told my mother (who wanted/told me I could talk to her about) when she asked that i planned to go back to see my GP now that id looked it up (though really id done this long before.... at this point i was already looking at hormone threapy and everything else id been researching). It did not happen.
The remember the more i looked up what it meant to change sex the more i realised this was probably going to be the worst thing i could ever put myself through. I thought i felt underconfident and out of place now.... and basically it was like im going to be on display as a man in a dress, id no doubt be in bits (im not sure i have that much courage). I looked though the help and support that i could get over here (UK) and became more and more disheartend. I remember my parents quizing me on what i wanted to do, and my dad being very sure of how this was going to be a huge mistake. My mother well'd up with tears when i brought things like this up... She tried hard to hide it but i could see it. I did try to make things lighthearted sometimes -- e.g. she asked me what i wanted for xmas, and i remember trying to joke a little, saying that there was a nice dress i saw and smiling... but that didnt really work she went very quiet and looked very serious and almost angry. Never tried that again...
Then there was the anxiety disorder, it had became such a major issue, that i guess being abel to actually live my life at all was something that took prioirty (i keep saying anxiety disorder, it was actually OCD btw). As time went on, I guess i distanced myself from all this. Infact i forcefull tried to forget the entire thing totally, never mentioning it and when anyone hinted at it -- id just change the subject/brush it off. I kept telling myself it was a big mistake, some escapist anxiety induced situation. So 5 years.....
-- Back Story Over --
Wow.... so much text. I really did try to shorten it as best i could. Hate to think how much there would have been had i gone into detail. Now im back on here again, it seems kind of surreal.
Between now and then there was a time when someone i knew happend to google my email address. They found a post id made on this forum discussing my life and id actually used my real name on this forum (first name). I'm afraid i paniced and probably emailed the forum mods on here at least 4-5 times over the course of year asking them to edit my posts/remove pictures and stuff for fear of this all coming back out and thats not something i wanted to think about again.
But just recently, all this stuff, it all came back. Perhaps it was the fact my birthday was coming up? (but that had happened 3 more times before since then) .. im not really sure what triggered it. I had the box of clothes i bought (5 years ago) that id been meaning to throw away... I was going to dump it and i kidded myself i was just 'messing about' with them (using them) before i did so. Each time i told myself "What am i doing? This has to never happen again. I need to get rid of these ASAP." and the guilt sort of feeling kept it infrequent. But it started building up.... and before i knew it i was being flooded with lots of confusing thoughts again (and still guilt). Including remembering what happend 5 years ago, and how it should be all over and done with and why is this happening again...
I'm finding myself compelled to change my appearance again, dress when possible, and its really scaring me. I thought id been happy living my life as I am (I even kind of met someone. We've been good (best) friends for a year or so). Suffice to say, its been quite a cocktail of feelings and has felt quite hard to deal with. I felt quite depressed, i think id even say that the OCD progress id been making started to slip as i felt myself withdrawing more (I'm finally getting free of it, after switching therapists twice and finding a good one the final time). I really am struggling to find answers, and when i look things up online it just makes me more confused.
So, I guess im back then after such a long break. Probably be looking and not talking right now, but remembering somewhere that i found some comfort here & even if i tried to reject and push out this time in my life - I still recall how helpful and good it felt to not feel so alone with it.
If you read all this then, thankyou :) i hope it made some sort of sense to someone. Also, thankyou to the people who PM'd me and offered advise in 2005. I still have their PMs on here and reading through, it was really nice of them.
P.S -- This is my new username, thought this time it was best to change it before posting anything!! (I think in 2005 my common sense took a backseat to the rollercoaster it seemed like i was on with everything).
This is probably going to end up quite long (sorry!)..
Approx 5 years ago (almost the the month really) I went through a bit of a 'crisis' in my life. Most of that time is a bit of a blur to me, probably because i willfully tried to forget about it as best i could until recently. Bare with me, i need to explain a bit of boring background story i think
-- Backstory --
I'd say id always been curious about crossdressing really, and seemingly from a young age. Even if in later years id forgotten about or not acted upon the urge - Not really sure what the attraction was, it just stirred something up inside me.
My parents used to embarrass me with stories between family, about what i did when i was younger, wearing my mothers clothes (talking when i was very little, 5? 6?)... and evidently I used to come home from school, get get undressed, and wear my mothers lingerie (her words, i was only young so dont remember much about it). My mother must have been ok with this then, well its ok when you are little i suppose? Yes though, such stories always made me blush and uncomfortable, and try to change the subject when they came up asap.
Most of my adult and school life ive never really 'fit in'. I was never 'one of the guys' if you know what i mean. Not into sports (hated them, especially football) and was not very masculine build wise. I didnt get into fights, infact i was the opposite. I'd say i was quite over sensative really (which made me a great big target...). I had sort of friends, but i always felt out of place (not gender wise btw, just in general. At this point i had no clue what a Gender Identity Disorder even was....).
After leaving school, I devloped an anxiety disorder. Which stopped me from doing the things that everyone else my age would do normally (college/socialize etc). For a while i didnt really know know what it was, and nor did my parents. So i lived with it, with no treatment for a number of years and it got worse and worse. I always thought i was just 'strange' or 'different' for finding things harder than everyone else and feeling anxiety etc but after looking things up on the internet i found out i was not alone... which was a big relief.
I did eventually get up the courage to see a doctor and was diagnosed. Unfortunatly my condition did not get better, infact before it got better it got very much worse. I was at a state where i was not even leaving the house for months on end (due to this condition). Waiting for therapy (waiting lists etc) which i did eventually get in the form of a therapist but i did not find the sessions really helped, and i meerly went to them because i didnt know what else to do (either go to some sort of therapy or not... was not much of a choice).
It was around this time that something 'clicked' on. Perhaps it was the isolated + anxiety that made me want an escape? or a solution? I dont know. But for the first time since i was young (well apart one single teen incident where i was in a situation to try this without much risk of being found out..) i actually experimented with crossdressing.
The problem was, i liked it. Too much. I felt like it opened a floodgate, and there were many powerful feelings and emotions (good and bad ones). All very very confusing. Since i was now older, had my own money etc, i was able to buy my own things -- However i was still living at home. This raised certain questions about the constant arrival of parcels for me :S and i manged to excuse the majority (or collect the mail before anyone else). I found myself not just wanting to dress (there was a sexual component to this btw which made me feel deeply guilty and shameful --hope its ok to say that) like a female but to change my appearance. I felt deeply envious of girls. I wanted to emulate them/be like them. I found a great deal of frustration and distress in how my body and face looked (male and not female).
This is probably what got me noticed the most. When you start trying to look more femine ppl closest too you kind of notice. Between time, i found this forum and conversed with some friendly and helpful people (and a big thankyou for that). It was nice to find that i was not totally alone... Still though i needed to talk to someone closer to me. I confided in my sister (even though i really didnt want any family to know until id sorted out what this all was).
Unfortunatly id still not quite worked out my thoughts and feelings when my family, being really concerned about what was going on, decided to ask me head on. Worst times ever. This happened just before Christmas..... My mother opened some of my mail by mistake, finding female clothing inside, and my name on the reciept. I tried to claim it as a mistake by the company but i dont think she really believe it. My mother actually thought i was gay.... and thats what the big secret was. I think she'd have liked that more than me telling her that i wanted to be female.
My father got depressed, my mother cried (often) and when the dust settled there were lots of awkwardness. My sister was supportive but i knew she was shocked (though she assumed i was gay when i first told her lol.... im kinda offended that there was such a concensus that i was going to reveal i was gay :eek:). I really didnt want this to come out like it had though, it was private. I wanted to get it sorted it out in my head what was going on 110%. I went to see my GP and explained to her my feelings and thoughts, and she told me to look up Gender Identity Disorder and come back to her.... I remember my parents had an appointment at the same time and she told me they had asked her questions about what i was going to talk to her about.
I never went back. I told my mother (who wanted/told me I could talk to her about) when she asked that i planned to go back to see my GP now that id looked it up (though really id done this long before.... at this point i was already looking at hormone threapy and everything else id been researching). It did not happen.
The remember the more i looked up what it meant to change sex the more i realised this was probably going to be the worst thing i could ever put myself through. I thought i felt underconfident and out of place now.... and basically it was like im going to be on display as a man in a dress, id no doubt be in bits (im not sure i have that much courage). I looked though the help and support that i could get over here (UK) and became more and more disheartend. I remember my parents quizing me on what i wanted to do, and my dad being very sure of how this was going to be a huge mistake. My mother well'd up with tears when i brought things like this up... She tried hard to hide it but i could see it. I did try to make things lighthearted sometimes -- e.g. she asked me what i wanted for xmas, and i remember trying to joke a little, saying that there was a nice dress i saw and smiling... but that didnt really work she went very quiet and looked very serious and almost angry. Never tried that again...
Then there was the anxiety disorder, it had became such a major issue, that i guess being abel to actually live my life at all was something that took prioirty (i keep saying anxiety disorder, it was actually OCD btw). As time went on, I guess i distanced myself from all this. Infact i forcefull tried to forget the entire thing totally, never mentioning it and when anyone hinted at it -- id just change the subject/brush it off. I kept telling myself it was a big mistake, some escapist anxiety induced situation. So 5 years.....
-- Back Story Over --
Wow.... so much text. I really did try to shorten it as best i could. Hate to think how much there would have been had i gone into detail. Now im back on here again, it seems kind of surreal.
Between now and then there was a time when someone i knew happend to google my email address. They found a post id made on this forum discussing my life and id actually used my real name on this forum (first name). I'm afraid i paniced and probably emailed the forum mods on here at least 4-5 times over the course of year asking them to edit my posts/remove pictures and stuff for fear of this all coming back out and thats not something i wanted to think about again.
But just recently, all this stuff, it all came back. Perhaps it was the fact my birthday was coming up? (but that had happened 3 more times before since then) .. im not really sure what triggered it. I had the box of clothes i bought (5 years ago) that id been meaning to throw away... I was going to dump it and i kidded myself i was just 'messing about' with them (using them) before i did so. Each time i told myself "What am i doing? This has to never happen again. I need to get rid of these ASAP." and the guilt sort of feeling kept it infrequent. But it started building up.... and before i knew it i was being flooded with lots of confusing thoughts again (and still guilt). Including remembering what happend 5 years ago, and how it should be all over and done with and why is this happening again...
I'm finding myself compelled to change my appearance again, dress when possible, and its really scaring me. I thought id been happy living my life as I am (I even kind of met someone. We've been good (best) friends for a year or so). Suffice to say, its been quite a cocktail of feelings and has felt quite hard to deal with. I felt quite depressed, i think id even say that the OCD progress id been making started to slip as i felt myself withdrawing more (I'm finally getting free of it, after switching therapists twice and finding a good one the final time). I really am struggling to find answers, and when i look things up online it just makes me more confused.
So, I guess im back then after such a long break. Probably be looking and not talking right now, but remembering somewhere that i found some comfort here & even if i tried to reject and push out this time in my life - I still recall how helpful and good it felt to not feel so alone with it.
If you read all this then, thankyou :) i hope it made some sort of sense to someone. Also, thankyou to the people who PM'd me and offered advise in 2005. I still have their PMs on here and reading through, it was really nice of them.
P.S -- This is my new username, thought this time it was best to change it before posting anything!! (I think in 2005 my common sense took a backseat to the rollercoaster it seemed like i was on with everything).