My Mother Outed Me Today

[Charla McBee]

So I started today as normal as could be expected, we were watching political news and discussing the local elections. Then from nowhere during a commercial break lull she says "You know I love you no matter what right?" I nod, having expected this moment for years. Then she asks if she can ask me a personal question, at this point I know exactly what she had in mind and though I have always known how she would likely react, I still resist initially.

A few moments later I knew it was over whether I wanted it to be or not. Alright, I like to crossdress. I assumed she had to have had an idea for years but it turns out I only first got caught a few weeks ago since I've been somewhat intentionally careless.

I guess I am very lucky because all she wanted was some clarification because whatever I might want, she'd fully support it. Somewhat unfortunately, even though I knew all that, I never wanted to involve her. The rest of the day proceeded as normal, she said it wont come up again unless I want it to, but I still feel a little awkward now. I got the rare chance to explain a lot of what Ive learned here to an open mind but I never wanted to burden her with that.

She says the last couple of weeks of wondering were the biggest burden of all but I wonder then why I still feel like I should pretend this never happened? I always thought being outed by someone I trust would lift a burden, why then do I almost feel worse than where I started?

I know so many of you would love nothing more than to be accepted by a loved one but I never wanted to burden anyone. I ask then, anyone who has been here before, anyone who knows anything about being outed, how do I proceed from here? How do I get over the awkwardness of my charade coming to an end?

[Phyliss]

I'm NOT a PHD or some sort of therapist, so anything I say is just my own thought. I'd guess it's because you "lost control" of the situation of "when" the Big Secret would come out. You note that you'd been a bit careless lately and I guess you wanted to be outed in some way, but the manner in which it happened wasn't how you'd thought it would be.

It might be difficult , but ask Mom if she'd like to meet her unknown daughter. Perhaps that might make it easier.

May very well I'm all wrong ... but this is just my thoughts.

[sterling12]

I really don't know what else you can do, except continue. You talked with Your Mother, and apparently it was a candid, and quality conversation. I don't think She "Outed" you. I think she did The Opposite. Around here "Outed" normally means exposing your secret to others, either self induced or from an outside source. Mom said she would respect your situation, and would support you, and I don't get The Impression that she's going to run down The Boulevard and blab it to friends and neighbors.

As uncomfortable as it is right now. I think I would keep talking to her about your feelings. A lot of us have lost Parents and never "had that talk." Try to think of this as an opportunity to be candid, and avoid The Regrets that will come if you two don't talk before your Mom is Gone.

If you continue to have these feelings, I would seek some kind of Counseling Help. Yes, it's a lot easier to just avoid talking about things and act like they never happened. But it's a Bad "End Game Strategy." If you don't take advantage of this, I am sure that one day you will have a lot of regrets. Your Mom loves you, and no doubt you love her. That's a very good Starting Point. You two have a lot of lost time and opportunities, I think I'd be trying to do a lot of Catching Up.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[ReineD]

You said in your post that you never wanted to burden her with this. You should ask her how she feels about you being who you are. Ask her if it is difficult for her, or if she is in anyway unhappy. I'm guessing these are the feelings you might have feared her to have, since you feel it would be a burden for her to know?

Once you know that she only wants your happiness (this is what makes moms happy :)), maybe you will no longer feel as if you've burdened her, and you will feel better about just being yourself? Just a thought.

[Kaz]

From what you have said there is only one course of action to my mind. Talk to her. You didn't want to burden her, but now she knows.

Many of us would see this as an opportunity... be honest and open.

Kaz xx

[Paula W]

For me it is a somewhat slow process. Earlier this year I was outed by my parents because I had left some makeup on the bathroom counter so I came clean with them and my little sister. My little sister was the easiest as we have always confided in one another and still do tell secrets that we don't want anyone else to know lol. She was the first to see me fully dressed and helped me out with some clothes and makeup tips. My mother I have only recently let me see dressed and even then not 100 percent, no wig or makeup. I was doing nail polish on my toes and it had a pretty strong smell and she asked me what I was doing and I said putting polish on my toes leave me alone and she just laughed. I am pretty sure my dad noticed because I am barefoot in the house all the time and it is a very shiny pink polish but he hasn't said anything.

I had actually finally let them both see me completely dressed makeup wig and heels to boot on Halloween because that is a free pass for cder's lol. This has all happened since February. It really depends on your comfort level, I am getting more and more comfortable dressing how I want around the house but am still a little shy about doing it around my dad even though I know he is accepting.

[anna kate]

You have no idea, how much I envy you, being able to talk to your mom. My mom is gone 30+ years, I'm sure she knew, but we never talked. What an opportunity you have... I'm out to my wife of 46 years for 25 years now. While she is tollerant, that is as far as she goes, wants nothing to do with that side of me. Have two nieces that have "discovered" my fem side,and are okay with it, so I do have someone to talk to about "things". Don't miss this opportunity to talk to your mom, you'll never regret it. By all means, ask her if she would like to meet your fem side face to face. The possibilities from there are endless.
I'm far from being an expert, but am speaking from experience and my heart.

[Stephanie Miller]

And you don't think that if indeed it is a burden to your mom ( which, like others I highly doubt) by not talking about it or giving her correct information is not adding to that burden. Nice game plan. ;)
Stop sulking and get your butt in there to talk. She does and still will love you for who you are.

[CatAttack]

You know, when my mom found out I felt the same way! I absolutely did not want to talk to her about it even though she was accepting [or eventually accepting]. I don't know what it was, but it made me feel totally awkward talking to her about it. Now we just don't ever bring it up lol

[Jannette H]

WOW!!
My mother outed me and she didn't realize what was done. I have some sisters that were awakened at that moment. She said she had an idea I was a cross dresser along time ago. Was that a shock that was. Wish I could have been there.

[Cassandra Lynn]

I have always found it a little odd that when the subject of coming out/being out has been brought up here that the question of burden never gets mentioned.
The usual discussion has been more like: member asks about "whether to come out", and the floodgates open.."yes you should", "life will be so much better", "we should all come out", " the truth shall set you free". Never any talk about how the family dynamic can change, being treated as a different person from then on, wondering what that family member thinks but is afraid to ask/talk about.

Burden can be somewhat subjective and quantitative, if the family member is 110% accepting than life returns to normal rather quickly, but in the interim things have changed quite alot. It is only natural for there to be that feeling of a burden having been placed on them.

I have that feeling of not feeling free, and know that living totally open and honest would be very nice, but i weigh that with the burden my dad and brothers would have to carry (and i for placing it on them), and for now it doesn't make sense. Mom died 5 yrs ago, and yes, i did feel a twinge deep down when i read the OP, and i still wonder what she might have thought (she alone caught me several times when i was 6 to 8 yrs old). My family loves me and would ultimately accept me, but it still would be a burden, so i that's what i get from the OP.

But yeah, ask questions, talk it through, and give it time. Things have changed, can't expect life to settle right back into place that quickly.

mj (Cassie)

[donnalee]

The thing is, most family relationships are extremely complicated already and it's understandable that some are reluctant to add to the mix. I really believe it's up to your own best judgement; you can't rely on other's opinions for the right thing for you to do.

[Charla McBee]

Well, we still haven't said a word about it since Tuesday and it's just been us all week. It's like nothing happened but now I'm the one up at night wondering. I really don't know where to go from here, she isn't going to spread the word without my permission but it's still as some have said, I've lost control now after ten years. There it is right there, I've been doing this alone for ten years and I never really felt like I was hiding myself. I've always been me around family but then again, why did I feel the need to come here a year ago? I guess I don't even know what I think at this point.

I'll start my own even more awkward conversation soon I guess but I'm going to need a shot or two to get through it. I'm not a big fan of feelings.