"Partially" came out to my family and friends...now I feel upset and depressed :(

[Haley]

Hi everyone, hope you're all good. Halloween's just passed, and I used it as an excuse to "partially" come out to my friends and family (here's my costume on another thread lol - http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?142738-My-Halloween-costume!-Yay!-lol-%29&p=2311167#post2311167 ) I showed these pics to my family and they didn't mind too much (my mom loved it) but my brother was a bit disapproving. But, besides that I decided to post some pics on Facebook...it was hard to tell how approving my friends were of it, they were mostly shocked that it was actually me in the pics. My cousins thought I looked great and laughed it off, but one of my friends back from uni said i looked gay and it kind of hurt a little (but I suppose that's expected right? :( ) At work, my colleagues didn't think too much of it (one of them said that he'd date me if i was a real girl, lol...another one said that I might have issues) Today my brother found out that I had posted those pics on Facebook and he's saying that I've disgraced my family and my masculinity but posting them and that I should be ashamed and it's really made me feel bad about the whole thing (on top of being called gay by my friend). I'm also now afraid that I'm going to be made fun of and laughed at behind my back. I'm really upset and I feel horrible, I was hoping someone here would offer some advice on how to deal with this or maybe share their own experience :( Thank you so much in advance

[Bethany38]

Haley,
The one thing I had to get over when I came out was the notion, that when I told people their reactions would be cut and dry. They would either hate it or they would deal with it. Reaction to things we tell people is based on their own feelings so it is hard sometimes to take their opinions or thoughts on the matter. The only thing you can do is try to buck up. Be yourself hun for only you can make yourself happy. Forget about the nay sayers, be you, you are perfect the way you are.:)

[tamarav]

Unfortunately, you are dealing with human beings, and they can be very unpredictable. Some will attack you, as they have, and use guilt to make you feel bad about your decision. Others, usually those that are attracted to you, will use the gay attack in an effort to avoid anyone looking at them and wondering. There are excuses all over the place, but the fact is that they now know.

So, take it the best you can and move on. Don't let others drive your life. Design it the way you want to live and keep moving forward, otherwise you are living to someones else's design and you will never be happy.

[Sophie86]

I have a nephew who is gay. When he first came out, he got a similar reaction from his sister. She got over it. Most likely your brother will too, but if he doesn't, that's his issue, not yours. You just have to be who you are. Your life belongs to you. Don't let your family and friends tell you how to live it.

You looked great, by the way. :)

[Steph.TS]

technically what we are doing is attacking our masculinity, I'm TS and plan to transition at some point. in general it seems to me that women are stronger emotionally when women started wearing pants, did they need support groups, or anything? the internet wasn't even around for them to see that it was ok, but they did it anyways. Men on the other hand are more fragile afraid, men generally don't wear dress or skirt because they are afraid it's feminine, I've got a picture in my head that men cowering in the corner afraid that the 1 thing they want to do is girly or gay so they try to 'man up'. I wish I was a woman so bad, and part of the reason is to drop a gender that pretends to be strong when in fact it's too worried about it's image that it has to compensate for it's fears.

[Sophie86]

a gender that pretends to be strong when in fact it's too worried about it's image that it has to compensate for it's fears.

My theory is that 90% of traditional masculinity is a defense mechanism to mask vulnerability.

[Cassandra Lynn]

Loved your outfit Haley, your very pretty. As said, stay true to yourself, and don't let the negativity get to you. It takes tremendous courage to come out, especially
by posting the pictures in very public formats. Those who can appreciate your courage will stand behind you. Those who are hung up on their own personal issues and
want to attack you for being less than masculine obviously can't see that courage and feel weak themselves.
Prolly the best you can do for now is to give everyone some time to absorb this, ultimately though, your truest friends and family members will rise above it all.
When some time has gone by, maybe you can talk with them all and try to show them you are still who you have always been.
Best wishes.
mj (Cassie)

[rocketscientist]

First of all, I would say your brother seems to be a narrow minded bigot. I don't think he cares about your feelings. Sounds more like he's more worried what others might think. Maybe you should talk with your mom more, it sounds like she would be supportive. I know it can't be easy, but give it time, it'll get better. Best wishes, Tonya

[Mary Morgan]

Give it some time, let it pass and it wil be fine. Just be honest with everyone and whether they agree of not, they will have to respect you for your courage and integrity. After all, those are the real important parts of our character.

[Tina B.]

When you come out you take the chance that not everyone is going to see life your way, especially brothers, they are still tied to there own image, and your going girl reflexes on him as he See's it.
But girl you have the satisfaction of knowing you look good in a dress. Don't let friends or family get you down, you are just being you, and there is nothing wrong with that.
Tina B.

[mklinden2010]

no gain.

[Ria]

Hi Haley,

IMO I think you have to expect what has happened, some will find it funny and be supportive, some will be jerks about it and others will withold their thoughts... The reactions will vary but don't let it get to you, you'll need to develop a thick skin if you're showing family and friends your pics. Don't concern yourself with attempting to garner their acceptance, it's your life, enjoy it. They are entitled to their opinion and you keep doing your thing.

This advice is coming from a girl that is firmly and happily in the closet. Good luck girl, you'll get through it.

[tommi]

I really admire your choice to come out but it definitly involves some risk not all family and friends are going to support your decessions, in my own life my father didn't support my career choice but after a while he realised it worked for me.
The same can be said for coming out to family that we crossdress / transgendered and so forth and being asked if your gay goes with the teritory as well. That is the way many think about the community. Over time your brother will hopefully realise
that your still common blood and he'll hopefully be more supportive.

[Jorja]

I think it has all pretty much been said and said well. Haley, keep your head up and be proud. Coming out isn't always met with with a party. It took more for you to come out than most will ever have. Sometimes it takes thick skin to be different. Many have already said it, be your own person. If being a girl is what you like, then be a girl. You are behind the wheel take yourself where you want to go.

Always know that we are here supporting you. :)

[Marissa]

Hi Haley, I did see your pics and commented on how cute you look. I have to ask since you say 'partially' came out to family and friends.. I don't see that having been done, unless missed stating that you are a crossdresser or whatever..meaning that you do it more then just this once past Halloween.

Many men have lost bets or been persuaded (yeah, right..whatever) to dress up as fems during Halloween..and that is it..until the next time or it becomes a part of their lives. So I'm asking, did you share more or is everyone reacting to this 'one time when I dressed as Minnie for Halloween'?

You are getting the normal responses for those seeing you dressed in a fem costume for the first time.. but be ready as to what it can be if they find out its more..

You have some good responses here so take them as you see fit.. and remember how you felt while wearing the costume and the positive reactions :)

Hugs,
Marissa

[Loni]

not to worry about "there" problems. it is your life, not theirs.
as for posting any photo of you (no mater how dressed) just remember it is online for life and 1000 years. just think do you want your great, great,great,great grand kids to see it? how about a future boss?
not saying to or not to post just think first.

[Chickhe]

Here is the thing... you did not discrace anyone, most of the people thought it was cool. The only one with a problem is your brother...that's his problem. What you need to remember, only you know what you are and how you feel inside. If you know you are not gay, then that is all that matters. You should feel good that you finally did something you wanted to do, it takes a lot of courage to do it, something your brother will never have. You can best deal with his hate by not responding to it beyond just saying he can think what he wants, but you know what your sexual identity is.

[KarenCDFL]

Life is so very very short. As I get older (now in my 50's) I am watching my friends and family pass away bit by bit. I am at that age when my own mortaluty is being questioned and I wish I had the guts to come out when I was yournger.

Your brother is a putz. Tell him that this is your life and you cannot live it being miserable.

Best of luck.

[lynnrichards]

Haley,
You are so pretty and so brave. Don't regret what you've done. You're just being true to yourself and you are about to discover who your real friends are. Just give it some time.
Good luck,Lynn

[mklinden2010]

Slick.

[JulieC]

he's saying that I've disgraced my family and my masculinitye

No, you disgraced his idea of masculinity. Poor him. Ok, it's your brother, but if my brother responded in that way, I'd gently tell him that I have no issues with who *I* am, and don't particularly care about definitions of femininity and masculinity. If he has issues with my masculinity, then it would be his problem to work out, and I'd be happy to discuss it with him. But, I wouldn't allow my sense of self worth to be vested in his opinion of my masculinity (or lack thereof).

In general, what you did will cause people to talk behind your back. You can't take that back now, so stop sweating having done it. C'est la vie, live on. Five years from now, this will be a distant memory. Don't get to worked up about it. If some of your friends think you in that beautiful dress makes you 'gay', then like with your brother that's their issue to work out. Two opposite sex friends of mine were kissing each other in front of a gay bar once. They were accused of being gay. They gave each other a high five and told the people who attempted to insult them "THANK YOU!". If your 'friends' look at you condescendingly because you look fabulous in a dress, maybe it's time for new friends.

[juno]

Living in Germany as US military, many people felt that most Germans hated us. In reality, that was the minority, but it is the bad interactions that people tend to remember.

Try to focus on the positive, and take pride that you are a crossdresser, and not one of those intolerant mean people. My attitude is that I don't care if people think I'm gay. If that make them not want to be my friend, then I don't want them as a friend. It is a good way to find out who is "real" and worth being your friend.

[JohnH]

Today my brother found out that I had posted those pics on Facebook and he's saying that I've disgraced my family and my masculinity but posting them and that I should be ashamed

Haley,

Ah yes - the typical "masculinity anxiety" that is pandemic in our society! Aren't you glad you are free of that straitjacket? I know I'm glad that I'm free of it as well. So we have the guts and fortitude to do our own thing, instead of letting bigoted people rule our lives.

My brothers disapprove of my wearing skirts and dresses but at least they don't say that I've disgraced my family and my masculinity.

Your brother is really a jerk. You were simply wearing a Halloween costume. If I was in the same room with him and he expressed those opinions about you my response would not be very pleasant to say the least - maybe the whole block would get to hear me as I raised my voice (assuming the windows were open).

As far as my Halloween costume I was handing out candy to kids while I was wearing a floral dress and wedge sandals with nail polish on my fingernails and toenails.

Kind regards,

John

[Aprilrain]

my question is why are you coming out? Do you plan on living this way full or part time? do you just want validation? do you know why you want to tell people? I think it is great that you want to be out but you may want to examine your motivations also not that it matters now but it probably would have been better to tell people first then show them after they had some time to digest and get use to the idea. I suspect that since you are feeling a little sensitive about some of the reactions that you are seeking at least a little validation. there is nothing wrong with that but you still want to be carful where you go seeking it. this site is a great place and here is my 2 cents worth you are gorgeous young woman don't let anyone tell you differently but also don't tell every body either! even if you plan on a transition.

[Olivia2]

Haley,

A couple of thoughts. First, you are much braver than I as I have often thought of dressing as a woman for Halloween and attending a party with friends who know nothing of my feminine side but haven't had the courage. Also anytime you challenge others rigidly socialized notions of what is masculine and feminine, they are going to show discomfort with it or show their ignorance about it by questioning your sexual orientation. And so what if they do? Is being thought of as gay a negative perception-it may be an incorrect perception-but is it any more of a concern than their knowing you have a like of woman's clothing or a strong feminine personality inside of you?

As others have said, you haven't exactly come out but simply showed a willingness to wear a very feminine outfit on Halloween? You have gotten some feedback from others that will help you recognize who might and who might not be safe people to open up to in the future, should you decide to do so. Your generation is much more comfortable posting pics on places like facebook than is mine, so I can't address your decision to do that. Just learn who is safe to open up when you choose to.

Finally, your culture may place more emphasis on your behavior being a reflection of the family or the culture than the cultures of others here, including mine. You know your culture better than I, so just do the best you can to reconcile those comments and beliefs and perhaps find others who share your culture with whom you can talk about this (maybe safe people you can recognize by their reactions to your costume). Hang in there. From all I've read here, showing yourself to others at any level, is not without some stress.

[bridgetta]

thinking about how hard it is for me personaly to come to terms with it.. have to allow others the space to feel their own way.. ultimalty. crossdressing is freaking awesome. WILD!! free.... we live in a trapped system... cd rebels against it.. its scary that way... its rebellion... they have issues with it.. then. they need to deal... they secretly probably jealous anyway... .. that being said. i am terrified to tell anyone also... so.. cheers to you.. you look great...

[Haley]

Thanks for making me feel less ashamed of myself, you're all really great. Yes it was all a reaction to my costume (I didn't say to anyone that I was a cross-dresser, hence using the word "partially" lol...but my pics make it rather obvious and it has made some people ask questions). Yes, it has also made me realise that there's a lot of people out there and in my family who really really hate the idea of me being a cross dresser, and I'll have to tread more carefully. But I've left all my pictures on Facebook and won't take them down xD I'm really proud of what I did and I want people to know that! I know that most of my friends won't have the courage to do such a thing. I think my brother is upset because it taints his perception of me (he's always seen me as really masculine and he looks up to me) and it upsets me too that he feels that way...he called me selfish for doing what I did. But I still am who I was and I'll try to remain true to it! Hopefully as time goes by people will get over it :(

[Kaitlyn Michele]

its interesting that you say your brothers says his perception of you is tainted...how about your perception of him being tainted?

[kimmy p]

Hi Haley. First of all you look great! I'm jealous. Secondly, don't worry about your brother. Even if he truley feels that way he'll either get over it, or you'll stop giving a darn. Either way problem solved. As for pictures on Facebook. I have almost all of my Halloween pictures there. They are safe there if I lose my computer and I get to show them off some. Heck I was thinking about things the other day and normally I hate my picture being taken. The exceptionis when I dressed. Therefore 95% of the photos of me in existence are me dressed fem. You're cute, you pull off girl well, and you should be proud of succeding at your goals.

[rocktheplank]

Like almost everyone here said, first off you look great! You've got a good body for it and you look totally femme. Now I'm not "out" per se like some people here are, yeah my wife knows and she told her friend, but that is it, so I can't really make a call about how to help, but just be proud of who you are, Im the oldest of my brothers and I know they look up to me in that way too, so I know how delicate it can be. Just give it some time, if he loves you he will come around. I hope it works out well for you and you are right, it takes more bravery to do that and post it on facebook than it does to sit back and make snyde comments.

-Lexxi

[Genivieve]

You are so stunningly beautiful that I would think it was a crime to to feel bad about your dressing.
I have never been open about my situation so I'm really glad that you have the strength to share it with those around you.
That being said, you seem to have some grasp of your desires and who you are so do not let a few negative reactions hold you back.
You're young and have every opportunity ahead of you. I do understand the weight of family love and approval though.

[MaidJamie]

Haley, I think you looked lovely... and I applaud you! You should be proud of yourself.

You're very brave to come out to your family and friends. Most us spend our lives in the closet. You have to accept that it wasn't realistic to expect to be fully embraced and accepted first up. I think you've actually done pretty well considering. It seems to me the worse fallout you've experienced is being called gay and your brother is in shock, upset and angry with you. Your brother is your brother and he will come around. Your friend isn't your friend unless he accepts you "warts and all".

You've let the cat out of the bag now and you can't put it back. Be authentic... Remember, what people say behind your back is none of your business. Hold your head up with pride. You are what you are.

Much love and admiration
Jamie

[Ineta]

I know the feeling - you tell other people, but do not feel any better yourself. Your life remains divided. A secret has been divulged and is not yours anymore. Coming out does not give much comfort.

But now you can take your crossdressing in your hands and start seeing it the way other people see it. You may even want to limit it to special occasions. Stay a good person. Don't purge!

Tell your brother you adore girls and want to imitate them and understand better, if you discuss things like that, or if he raises this Halloween issue again.

[abbyleigh]

Hi Haley, I must commend you for your courage. You opened the door to whom you really feel most comfortable. Shocking at the moment by your brother, yes, Time will in most cases heal that initial reaction. More importantly you opened the door a crack, now blow it off it's hinges. And perhaps the most important message is "Be honest to yourself and everything else will ultimately fall into place". Hugs, abby

[TiffanyTgirl]

Hale, I am sorry this happened to you. People can be cruel and that includes family. People tend to bash what they don't understand. My SO called me a sick disgusting freak once. It hurts, but you have to be yourself. You are young enough to enjoy this part of you at this time of your life. I wasted my teens and twenties and most of my thirties living in denial. I pray you don't make that mistake. I look back now and realize for what. This hind sight thing is very accurate. Good luck and i hope it all works out.

[CharlotteW]

Haley, this is an intersting thread, thanks for starting it.

I'm wondering..... how many of the disapprovers have ever done or thought of anything 'different' before. It is my belief that nearly all men have shown an interest in a females clothing at some point in their lives. Whether it be as an eight year old when they found their moms pantyhose and wondered what it would feel like to wear them, or perhaps as a hormonal teenager teenager who 'nicked' his sisters panties from the hamper etc etc. Either way, the chances are that they felt guilty about their minor transgression (no pun intended) and refrained from committing the act again, for a week or two at least:) So to recite an old proverb, those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

And my advice.....take a break from dressing for a week or two and let the dust settle around the situation, don't even mention it. If anyone else mentions it just act surprised that they even bothered to bring it up. Brush it off as a bit of harmless fun, as that's what it is really.

If it was I being questionned by my brother about my CD'ing I would reply "and here I am being dissed by someone who [insert their wrongdoings] tut tut" and shake my head in disapproval.

You've done nothing wrong and hurt nobody.