When to tell adult children (question from a GG)

[Leigh58]

We are at the point with all of this that we are wondering when and if it might be appropriate to tell our adult children. Certainly if my husband decides to transition they would have to be told.

How do adult children handle this? I'm thinking his daughter might do OK with it, but I'm not sure about our boys. I believe they would be supportive of a friend who was going through these things ("things" meaning the escalating CDing, and realizing he/she would like to transition) How does it affect children in their 20s who have had a dad to rely on and then find out that dad is going to live as a woman from now on?

I AM glad my husband is so carefully weighing the impact transitioning or living as a woman would have on his children.

Anyone have experience with this? Thanks in advance for your responses!:)

[Holly]

Leigh, I have a son and a daughter, both in their 20's. My daughter has been terrific, to the point of going out with me for lunches and once to a party with my wife and I in Los Angeles. My son is tolerant but would just as soon not know any more. His biggest issue was that his little sister knew about it before he did.

There is no set answer to the question of how children will react. A lot of it will depend on how good of a job you and your husband did when they were growing up and the values you instilled in them. I hope it goes as well for your family as it has for mine. :hugs:

[Stephanie Miller]

Well Leigh I think you find uncoutable answers to this. There are so many variables. Like Holly said, it all depends not only how they were raised but also the amount of impact society has had on them AFTER they left the nest. I have two daughters and they both know me. Both were living away from home when they found out. One was living at college not to far away and stopped by the house unannounced to find a letter that I had just given my wife explaining "Stephanie". With-in one micro secend she was on the phone telling my other daughter what she had found.:heehee:
Months later my wife and the two of them went out to a drag show with me (dressed), and that was the only time the girls have seen Stephanie. They don't have a problem with it per say, they just would rather know me as thier dad. Their husbands don't know. Now if I ever was going to transition (not) I don't know how they would handle it.
But I would tell them together by themselves and let them decide if and how to tell any S.O.'s. Make sure you have plenty of information to bring them up to speed with on the subject of CD/TS/GLBT etc. because you will need to clear up a lot of misinformation they no doubt have - PRIOR to dropping the bomb.
The best to you and yours.

[juno]

I think honesty is best. IMHO, crossdressing should not be hidden from children. Most mothers and even CDs seem to disagree. To me, finding out that my parents were dishonest is traumatic, even for common lies like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. If you were open from the beginning, you would never get to this situation of having to come out with a major revelation. And, if they ever have issues with their own gender identity, or any other form of being different, they won't feel like freaks.

One approach is to come out gradually, like letting them know that dad likes to wear nail polish, and let them adjust to that idea first. That avoids the shock of revealing everything all at once.

[Leigh58]

I really do appreciate the three of you taking time to address this question. Of course, I know that it really does depend on each situation and each child. I've just heard some horror stories about how the children rejected their father when he/she came out to them. We don't want that to happen. I believe that when the time is right we will probably know. And we want to educate them on the issue of TG, etc. They are all really good kids, but it's still kind of scary.

Again, thanks!