alpha12
11-06-2010, 03:36 AM
I haven't been here in quite a while, but wow, has my life gotten interesting.
I'm getting a divorce. Obviously, ambivalence abounds, but where my own identity and happiness are concerned, I'm overjoyed.
Long story short, I married a man on the rebound from a difficult relationship with a woman, he seemed less bound to gender-roles and welcoming of my own tendency to be somewhat dominant, but it turned out he was so much about flexible gender roles as about being lazy and feckless.
We had a child before things got bad, and the gender dysphoria of pregnancy was almost unbearably bad. Just when I was ready to walk a couple years ago, we had an oops, and another unbearable pregnancy and another baby.
My spouse has done some really, really stupid things, bordering on abusive, including criminal acts, that make it impossible for any reasonable person to continue to relationship that I've really been ready to leave for a long time. So, I get to leave. This is good. :D
His actions and the recession have put me into a terrible financial situation, but I'm so excited about the prospect of exploring my own identity more. Of course, I'm quickly realizing that it ain't so easy. I'm not remotely ready to date--haven't even finished preparing the divorce filing yet! But even just beginning to poke around it seems that any kind of personals or match-up sites or anything either wants one to pick right off the bat if one is a man or a woman and if one wants to date a man or a woman. Alternatively, they are very sex-focused--and I have no libido whatsoever and two small children, so that sort of this not even relevant.
In any case I have plenty of time to cross those bridges as I get to them. I am relieved that I didn't have to be the one to take the big step. It seems though, that even in our breakup, there are underlying gender issues. I've got so many ingrained feminine tendencies that have been socialized into me as a child--like putting up with too much for too long and undervaluing myself, but also a more masculine tendency to just put up with it throughout my spouses constantly escalating drama. Other things, too, that are more personal. Enough to make me think twice before jumping into a relationship because I have the plumbing to match so it will all just work out.
I really want a wife, but I don't want a soft and squishy wife, and women just intimidate the heck out of me. I don't feel at all like I fit in with lesbians; I just feel out of place, and I can't identify why or what, but those settings have just never been comfortable for me. I suspect I just didn't explore deeply enough.
Anyway, no idea at all what I'll do yet, but hello again, nice to be back, and wow, it's good to be almost-single and to be able to think about exploring my own identity in ways I just couldn't before.
I'm getting a divorce. Obviously, ambivalence abounds, but where my own identity and happiness are concerned, I'm overjoyed.
Long story short, I married a man on the rebound from a difficult relationship with a woman, he seemed less bound to gender-roles and welcoming of my own tendency to be somewhat dominant, but it turned out he was so much about flexible gender roles as about being lazy and feckless.
We had a child before things got bad, and the gender dysphoria of pregnancy was almost unbearably bad. Just when I was ready to walk a couple years ago, we had an oops, and another unbearable pregnancy and another baby.
My spouse has done some really, really stupid things, bordering on abusive, including criminal acts, that make it impossible for any reasonable person to continue to relationship that I've really been ready to leave for a long time. So, I get to leave. This is good. :D
His actions and the recession have put me into a terrible financial situation, but I'm so excited about the prospect of exploring my own identity more. Of course, I'm quickly realizing that it ain't so easy. I'm not remotely ready to date--haven't even finished preparing the divorce filing yet! But even just beginning to poke around it seems that any kind of personals or match-up sites or anything either wants one to pick right off the bat if one is a man or a woman and if one wants to date a man or a woman. Alternatively, they are very sex-focused--and I have no libido whatsoever and two small children, so that sort of this not even relevant.
In any case I have plenty of time to cross those bridges as I get to them. I am relieved that I didn't have to be the one to take the big step. It seems though, that even in our breakup, there are underlying gender issues. I've got so many ingrained feminine tendencies that have been socialized into me as a child--like putting up with too much for too long and undervaluing myself, but also a more masculine tendency to just put up with it throughout my spouses constantly escalating drama. Other things, too, that are more personal. Enough to make me think twice before jumping into a relationship because I have the plumbing to match so it will all just work out.
I really want a wife, but I don't want a soft and squishy wife, and women just intimidate the heck out of me. I don't feel at all like I fit in with lesbians; I just feel out of place, and I can't identify why or what, but those settings have just never been comfortable for me. I suspect I just didn't explore deeply enough.
Anyway, no idea at all what I'll do yet, but hello again, nice to be back, and wow, it's good to be almost-single and to be able to think about exploring my own identity in ways I just couldn't before.